True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  Images of Lisa nagged at him. Lisa, Cody, and the precious moments he’d let slip away while he built and maintained his law career.

  When the drill ended and the sirens stopped wailing, there was no blessed silence for Joe. Instead, unwelcome memories raced through his mind as he headed back to his room feeling even lonelier than he had before.

  ****

  Long after the drill ended, Lisa left the plush chair in the comfortable lounge of the ladies’ room and headed toward Joe’s room. Heart pounding, she twisted the door handle and prepared to greet her husband and their future.

  As she opened the door, her breath escaped in a whoosh. This definitely couldn’t be right.

  Standing on the threshold of the ship’s room where she fully intended to spend the next two weeks saving her marriage, Lisa stared in disbelief. Bunk beds. Two twin beds bolted to the wall, one directly on top of the other. Yet this was obviously the right room because directly in front of her, his back to her, Joe sprawled out on the bottom bunk wearing a pale yellow polo shirt and faded blue jeans.

  Just the sight of him warmed her heart, and she forgot her distress over the room. Hot tears stung the back of her eyes. It had been far too long since she’d seen her husband. She wanted to run to him, gather him in her arms, but he wouldn’t welcome it.

  Lisa plopped down in the olive green chair at the foot of Joe’s bed and looked around the room with a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. This was so not the luxurious stateroom they’d booked all those months ago.

  This tiny, cramped room with a dime-sized porthole so high Lisa would have to stand on her tiptoes just to see her expensive ocean view…this couldn’t be what they’d paid for.

  A second olive chair sat under a tiny round table near the little porthole. A vanity stood bolted to the wall near the bottom bunk, next to a closet that looked like it might hold most of the clothes she’d brought. She was tempted to open it to see how the porter managed to squeeze her suitcase into it, but she didn’t want to wake Joe.

  Behind her, a door led to the bathroom. At least, she hoped it was the bathroom.

  Where were the huge picture window and private balcony with cushy patio furniture she’d seen in the brochure at the travel agency? The kitchenette, the sitting room with the day bed, and the queen-sized bed were also missing.

  Clearly, they’d been scammed by the travel agency. Especially considering this room should have originally been occupied by three people.

  Her surroundings were nothing even remotely romantic. Not that romance was her main goal, of course. It wasn’t even a secondary goal. Saving Joe was the main goal. Joe and his heart and soul. Romance, if it ever returned, would be an added bonus.

  Feeling suddenly sad and claustrophobic, Lisa bit back tears of disappointment. She’d just have to make the best of it.

  Her marriage depended on it.

  As quietly as possible, she tiptoed to the bathroom. The longer Joe slept, the more time she had to repair the damage to her hair. And the more time she had to come up with the right words to say when he did wake up. Words to explain exactly why she’d come and why she intended to stay.

  It wouldn’t go over well, that much she knew. Joe had been running from her, his feelings, and their marriage since Cody’s death. But the time for running was past.

  Inside the small bathroom, Lisa made herself look as presentable as possible then slipped back into the room. She sat in the chair near Joe’s bed and waited. He tossed and turned in his sleep and each time he moved, her heart pounded in anticipation of his reaction when he woke and found her there.

  Not quite ready for the confrontation she knew would occur, Lisa could no longer quell the butterflies in her stomach.

  In all his tossing and turning, Joe moved so his back faced the wall. The unsettled look on his face ripped at her heart. His dark brown hair fell across his forehead in unruly waves. Fine lines that weren’t there a few short months ago now fanned the corners of his eyes. His lips pressed tightly together. She remembered a time when his soft, generous mouth always smiled, and his dark brown eyes were warm and inviting. Even during the years when she hadn’t yet realized her marriage wasn’t what it should be, Joe never failed to light up a room with his presence.

  He may be able to run from his pain during his waking hours but, obviously, he couldn’t escape it while he slept. Her husband was a tortured soul, and she ached to give him comfort.

  “Joe,” she whispered before reaching out to smooth his forehead. She stopped just before she actually touched him, let her hand hover for an indecisive moment, then settled for simply watching him toss and turn. Touching him would do nothing to ease his pain. It would only wake him, and she still needed a few more minutes to refocus her thoughts and gather the resolve that brought her here in the first place.

  Afraid that if he stirred again she would grab on to him and never let go, Lisa rose and walked to the little window. Standing on her tiptoes, she stared out at the gray-green chop. White froth churned the angry saltwater, yet a strong sense of peace slowly settled deep in her being.

  Yes, she needed to be here.

  Here, with Joe.

  Here to repair her husband’s heart and, hopefully, with help from the Lord, their marriage.

  4

  Joe awoke feeling hollow and thinking about Lisa. So much so, he could imagine the light citrusy fragrance he’d come to associate as a part of her.

  Wishful thinking. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting anything to detract from the image of her in his mind. Even though he didn’t want to admit it to himself, Lisa’s presence would be something of a comfort. But she wasn’t here, and he needed to accept it. Not her choice, of course, but his. He chose to be alone. She didn’t deserve this painful limbo he inflicted on her, and he didn’t deserve comfort.

  Trying to find a position that would let him fall back asleep so he could avoid thinking about things he couldn’t fix, Joe tossed and turned again. The movement of air carried the unmistakable scent of citrus. He inhaled deeply. That scent was real and so very familiar it hurt to even breathe. It had to be an air freshener of some kind, something they used here on the cruise ship. Otherwise, he missed Lisa far more than he could even admit to himself.

  Before he’d come fully awake, he’d been dreaming of her…and Cody…and all he’d lost, all he’d run from. He lay there for a minute trying to content himself with the gentle movement of the ship, hoping it would somehow give him a sense of peace and lull away his thoughts of them.

  “It’s my fault,” he whispered through a throat tight with emotion. He groaned as a fresh wave of pain cut his heart. “I did this to us. My fault.”

  “No, Joe. Stop blaming yourself.”

  Startled, Joe opened his eyes and stared into Lisa’s wide blue ones.

  Lisa? He blinked. Surely, he imagined she knelt next to him, worry lining her small face.

  He even reached out to touch her, certain she’d fade away the instant his hand came near.

  Flesh contacted flesh at the same moment her pupils widened, and she sucked in a breath.

  He sat up with a jerk.

  She stood and stepped back.

  This was no dream. Lisa. Here, for real, right where he needed her not to be.

  Now that he’d reached a decision about the divorce, the last thing he needed was to deal with her emotions. Not until he could deal with his own.

  “Lisa?” He kept his tone steady, even, careful to keep any hint of disconcertedness from his voice. He didn’t want her to know how her presence shook him.

  Brushing her blonde bangs away from her eyes, she knelt down beside him again. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears, and the gentle curve of Lisa’s lips held an almost undetectable tremor as she searched his eyes with her own. There was something in her expression he couldn’t quite pinpoint, but he knew her well enough to know she was trying to be strong for him instead of herself.

  He’d let her down. That wounded look in her
eyes could be attributed to no one but him. Not Lisa herself for being angry with him right before the accident. And not Rob Gentry, even though he’d run the red light at the intersection.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

  “Because then you would have refused to come. You forget I know you, Joe. I know you thought you could shut yourself up in this room thinking it would all go away.”

  He looked down and away from her gaze. “If I didn’t know you so well, I’d think you planned it this way.” Embarrassed, uncomfortable that she knew him so well, Joe’s voice came out sharper than intended.

  He turned away from her so he wouldn’t accidentally look up and see the hurt in her eyes. Unbelievable. His sweet, quiet wife had flat out blindsided him.

  “I guess I should say I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to come, but I—I did change my mind.”

  Lisa’s soft apology tore at his gut. How should he respond? To tell her not to worry about it would be like saying he didn’t mind her being here. Which he did. But to say so would only shovel more hurt onto her already broken heart.

  “I guess I just don’t understand why you changed your mind.” He tried to gentle his tone so as not to hurt her any further.

  “I need to say good-bye, too. I—” She bit down on her lip and looked away. Joe could see tears welling in her eyes as she fought for control. A lump the size of his fist rose in his throat, and he couldn’t seem to swallow past it.

  “I think I hoped if I went on the cruise, saw the things Cody had looked forward to seeing, maybe—I don’t know.” She shook her head, and Joe could see her struggle to maintain her composure. He wanted to take her in his arms. Somehow, he resisted.

  “I guess I just wanted it to help.”

  “And now?”

  “I don’t know. Just like you need to be here, Joe, so do I. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise.”

  Impossible. Just being in the same room with her—He’d never survive this trip without losing his resolve. And yet, she was here. They’d left the dock. He couldn’t very well throw her overboard.

  “Joe, I promise I won’t bug you. You go your way, and I’ll go mine. I just need to get away, too. I didn’t realize it until the other day. Rose and I were talking and—”

  “Rose? Rose Gentry?”

  Lisa looked away from him and walked toward one of the chairs. To distance herself from him because talking to Rose might hurt him? Or because she’d merely mentioned the woman’s name?

  As she sat in the chair, Joe noticed how much weight she’d lost. The last time he saw her, Lisa couldn’t afford to lose even a mere five pounds. Clearly, she’d lost a good deal more because her clothes were way too baggy. He started to say something but held back.

  Finally, she looked at him, her blue eyes shaded with nervousness and something else he didn’t recognize.

  “She’s my friend, Joe. I don’t mean to hurt you with that, but she needs someone.” Her voice wavered for only a brief moment before it strengthened with challenge. “She’s all alone, just like me. Just like you. Like it or not, I can’t turn my back on her.”

  Lisa clenched and unclenched her hands then looked down at her lap. Clearly, she thought her friendship with Rose upset him. It didn’t. Quite the opposite. It reminded him of his own shame; shame at forgetting that Rose also lost a major portion of her life—her husband and son. At least Lisa had the decency to approach the woman and give her the comfort she needed, while he was just a coward who ran from everything. Lisa’s taking the time to befriend Rose warmed a tiny piece of his heart.

  Something else gave him pause. Something Joe barely wanted to admit to himself. A part of him couldn’t help but wonder…if Lisa could forgive Rose, could she find it in her heart to forgive him? Lisa’s nature would never let her show she blamed him. She might never even admit it to herself, but deep down she had to blame him as much as he blamed himself. He couldn’t, nor should he ever, expect Lisa to forgive him. They were finished. Totally. The sooner he accepted it the better, because he had a daunting task ahead of him—getting her to accept it as well.

  “It’s all right, Lisa. Despite the way I’ve treated you, I’m not a monster. You can say Rose’s name without worrying about my reaction. I don’t blame her.”

  When she looked up at him, her eyes were wide. Because he said he wasn’t a monster? Or maybe because he didn’t blame Rose.

  Or maybe, and possibly worse, she recognized his acknowledgment of his treatment toward her. He cringed. “I only blame myself.”

  “No, Joe.” She stood and walked toward him, and he held up his hand. Much as he wanted to reach out and hold her, he couldn’t. If he did, he’d be lost, never able to let her go. And she’d end up hurting a lot worse than this. “Don’t try to comfort me, Lisa.”

  “But—”

  “I said don’t. In fact, it would be better if you just leave.”

  “No.”

  “Lisa—”

  “I’m not leaving,” she interrupted in a surprisingly obstinate tone.

  Was that what he’d seen in her eyes earlier and hadn’t recognized? Stubborn determination? One to avoid confrontation, Lisa was always the first to back down. But not this time, apparently. “Lisa, I really can’t deal with this right now. I don’t want you here.” He tried his best to sound intimidating, certain she’d turn around and slip through the door. But he knew he simply sounded weary.

  Lisa didn’t back away. She just stood there, hands on slender hips, fire blazing in her blue eyes. “I’m not leaving,” she repeated.

  “I really need to be alone. Given what we’ve both been through, I’d think you’d understand.” If appealing to her emotions meant playing dirty, so be it. He had to get her out of here. Two weeks sharing a room with the woman he loved but intended to divorce—torture. Emotional torture. And how could he even begin to get a handle on his life so he could return to work?

  “And exactly where do you expect me to go?” Her response held no indication of being intimidated or of changing her mind—though she did sound sad. He looked closely. Were those tears hovering below the surface of her blue eyes? He couldn’t let it matter.

  “You could get off in Vancouver.”

  Her eyes widened for a split second. Clearly, she didn’t realize the ship would dock in British Columbia early in the evening to pick up the Canadian crew. He knew only because he’d overheard someone talking about it in the elevator.

  “Absolutely not, Joe.” She steeled her expression into one of fierce determination. It matched her tone of voice. “I’m taking this cruise, too. It was meant as a family vacation, and we’re taking it together even if we aren’t a family anymore.”

  Those words got to him. Whether she meant them to or not, they hurt. They weren’t a family anymore; they’d never be a family again, and she had no business here.

  “The only way I’m getting off in Vancouver is if you physically throw me off.”

  It was a dare, but one he wouldn’t take. Joe had never lifted a finger against her, and he never would.

  “Then we’ll find you another room, because you’re not staying with me.”

  “It’s not like we have money to throw around. This trip cost enough as it is, and what did we get for our money?” She waved her arms dramatically, pointing out the shortcomings of the room. “There are two beds. It’s not like you’ll have to share more than the room with me.”

  How could he make her understand? He needed to be alone. Desperation had him raising his voice louder. “This is my room, Lisa, where I came to be alone. So I could say good-bye to my son. Something I didn’t want to do, but something I was forced into.”

  Her mouth dropped open, and she stepped closer. “Listen here, Joseph Kendall. I had nothing to do with Mike’s decision.”

  No, but she obviously knew about it. He hadn’t told her. He merely said he decided to take the cruise. So who had? Mike? It couldn’t have been anyone else. His respect for his boss just dropped anot
her notch. Add lack of confidentiality to the list of reasons to begin the search for another job when he returned home.

  “I’m not going anywhere. It’s ridiculous to waste money on another room when this one’s perfectly fine. If you’re uncomfortable with me being here, find a way to deal with it.” A splash of pink brightened both cheeks, and Lisa stood firm, authoritative. He almost expected her to reach out and poke him in the chest. When had she turned so assertive?

  “You aren’t the only one in pain here.” Lisa plunked back down on the chair, folded her arms, and glared at him. “Cody was my son, too. Like it or not, you’re stuck with me for the next two weeks.”

  Stunned, Joe could only stare at his wife. Shy, and often unsure of herself when faced with even the mildest of confrontations, Lisa always spoke softly and seemed timid. Her timidity attracted him in the beginning but drove him away in the end.

  Not that Joe was being confrontational now, but he did his best to convey he wanted to be alone. Yet Lisa showed no sign of giving in. Sometime in the last few months she’d found the ability to speak up in defense of herself. Clearly, Rose’s friendship was good for Lisa.

  “You need to grieve for Cody, Joe. But locking yourself away from the world isn’t the way. This cruise isn’t for you to hide yourself away like this, like you’ve done for the past several months.”

  Her words gave him pause. Hide away. That’s exactly what he planned to do, exactly what he needed. Perhaps if he’d done something like this sooner, they wouldn’t be in this situation now. Of course, there wasn’t room for second-guessing. As sad as it made him feel, it was too late to go back now.

  She glared at him, determined.

  Again, the painful awareness that the breakdown of their marriage was his fault struck him. “I can’t do this, Lisa. I can’t—”

  “What? Deal with me? With your emotions? It’s the reason I’m here. To help you. I’m your wife.”