True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  Joe tensed. Were they talking about Lisa?

  “She kept saying a little boy’s name, over and over.”

  “Cody,” Joe murmured. Some of his panic ebbed. Lisa was safe. Upset but safe.

  The little boy, Brandon, turned and looked up at Joe.

  “Do you know Cody, too?”

  Joe swallowed hard and gave a curt nod. “Where is she?”

  “The lady?”

  “Yes.” Joe knew he sounded impatient.

  “Her name’s Miss Lisa.” Brandon sounded almost defiant.

  “Brandon, be polite,” his dad corrected.

  “Sorry, mister.” Brandon looked down at the ground.

  “It’s OK, Brandon. Lisa’s my wife, and I’ve been looking for her for a couple of hours.”

  “I know right where she is.” Brandon straightened and puffed his chest out. “Me and my dad, we’re on our way to rescue her.”

  “Rescue her?”

  “Like I told my dad, she’s ’consolable. She needs someone to rescue her.”

  “Show me where she is, and I’ll be forever grateful.” Joe meant it. “I’ll rescue her.”

  ****

  They took a couple of wrong turns as Brandon forgot which direction he needed to go, and Joe struggled to stay patient with the little guy. When Brandon finally, proudly, led them to her, Lisa was sitting at the bottom of a cement staircase looking like a lost child. Her bleak, stark expression tore at his heart. He knelt at her side, hoping to offer her some kind of comfort.

  “Lisa.”

  “Joe?” She lifted her head. Her wide blue eyes looked so lost, so shattered. His heart nearly broke.

  “Come here.” Reaching for her, he spoke as softly as possible. She needed a gentle comfort he didn’t think he could offer, but she was his wife, and he intended to try.

  The thought came from out of nowhere, startling him, almost stealing his breath. His wife. He’d also uttered those words to Brandon just a few minutes ago. Lisa was his wife, and she needed him.

  She’d needed him before…when Cody died. She’d needed him more back then than she ever had, and probably ever would. But he couldn’t deal with her grief and guilt coupled with his grief and his guilt. The weight of all those negative feelings had overwhelmed him. He’d abandoned her when she needed him most, and he hated himself for it.

  Now was his chance to make up for it. But if he did, she could mistake his intentions and think he was coming home. He couldn’t do that to her. Not while he was still broken. He would end up hurting her more. For a moment, his insides twisted. But then something bigger overruled that fear and almost brought him to his knees.

  He couldn’t—wouldn’t—fail her a second time.

  “Come here, Lisa,” he said again.

  She looked at him with those sorrow-filled eyes and went into his arms with no resistance at all. He gathered her close, tightening his arms around her. He could feel her ribs, and he loosened his touch, afraid she might break.

  Too many months had passed since he last held his wife in his arms. As she snuggled closer to him, Joe squeezed his eyes shut.

  “Hey.” He spoke softly, all the while hardening his mind against thoughts of warmth and comfort. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She began to sob. Heart-wrenching sobs. Sobs that made his gut ache and left him feeling helpless.

  Her sorrow wasn’t just because she didn’t see the whales. He understood the whales were a link between her and Cody. She loved them; Cody loved them. They were something the two of them enjoyed learning about together. For Lisa to see them in the ocean, when Cody always wanted to and never did, was a reminder of their little boy and the joy they would have shared together.

  He didn’t understand the connection between mothers and sons. Mothers were far more emotional than fathers. But he did understand what he’d missed by always being so busy with work that he sacrificed the father-son connection. He’d have to find a way to tell Lisa he finally understood. But he had to do it in such a way she wouldn’t get her hopes up and think he was coming home to her.

  Oh Lord, I wish I could. I wish there was a way. But he’d messed her life up so terribly, there was just no way. “Please,” he whispered through the pain that clogged his throat.

  Did he mean it? Or was this merely lip service? Some emotion tugged at his heart, and only then did he realize he’d been praying.

  Is it You, Lord? Are You here with me?

  He’d been reaching out to God. But he hadn’t done that in a long time. Even long before Cody’s death.

  Lord, You’re really working on me, aren’t You? The tug came again and this time he recognized the emotion that came with it. Was it possible? Could there be hope after all?

  9

  Joe sat next to Lisa in the Skygazer’s Café, the closest place to get out of the cold. Despair filled his wife’s eyes. He’d brought her here when she finally cried out all of her tears. A pot of tea that smelled like cinnamon steeped in front of her, and Joe poured some into a cup. Then he placed her shaking hands on either side in an attempt to warm her up.

  The stark white of her face alarmed him, as did the tinge of blue touching her lips.

  “What kind of soup would you like?”

  She didn’t look at him, let alone respond. It tore him up to see her like this.

  “Lisa, please say something.” He needed to get through to her. She was much too quiet, much too cold. “Drink your tea so you can warm up. Otherwise I’ll have to take you to see the ship’s doctor.”

  “Why, Joe?” she asked in a small voice that sounded nothing like her. She let go of the teacup and finally looked at him. “Why doesn’t God hear my prayers anymore?”

  This was something he couldn’t bear. Lisa questioning her faith. She’d always been so strong, so unshakable in her beliefs. He’d been the weak one, the one whose faith crumbled under trials.

  “I missed the whales,” she whispered between chattering teeth.

  “I know.” Joe rubbed her cold hands. He needed to get her warm, comfort her, and take care of her.

  “The fog rolled in just as I made it back to the deck. I totally missed them.” Her voice broke, and she swallowed hard. “I wanted to see them. For Cody.”

  “You’ll get another chance, sweetheart. There’s bound to be more whales.”

  She shook her head and looked up at him, her heart’s brokenness reflected in her gaze. “I don’t think so. Did you ever want something so bad, you just knew it wasn’t going to happen?”

  Yeah. You. Cody. Our family back together again. The one thing he knew would never happen again. Unable to give voice to his thoughts, Joe shook his head. Now wasn’t the time to linger on what he couldn’t have. Lisa was here now, and she needed him. Silent grief lingered between them until Lisa looked away and finally began to sip her tea.

  When she finished, she set down the cup and stood. “Let’s go back to the room. I think I need a hot shower.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want some soup first?”

  She was much too thin, and the soup would be good for her.

  She shook her head. “Joe, thank you for being there for me tonight. I really do appreciate it.”

  Something inside him warmed at her words. Taking the focus off himself, reaching out, was good. Giving someone else, Lisa, comfort—what would things be like for them today, if he’d done that months ago?

  ****

  “So how did you find me?” Lisa stood on her tiptoes, staring out the small cabin window into the twilight. When Joe didn’t immediately answer, she looked over to where he sat on the edge of his bed. Lips pressed together, he seemed pensive.

  Did he already have regrets about taking her in his arms and comforting her? It had been the last thing Lisa expected to happen. So much time had passed since they held each other. It was warm, safe, right. She wanted to stay in his arms forever.

  “I thought about what you said about the whales, and I wanted to talk to you about i
t. When I couldn’t find you, I overheard this young boy talking to his father. His name is Brandon. He’s six or seven, I think. Younger than Cody.”

  “I know Brandon.”

  “You do? Really?”

  “I met him earlier in the day.” Lisa told Joe how Brandon helped her when she dropped the flowers at the door and then about seeing him again on the deck.

  Joe nodded. “He saw you crying and told his dad about it. He was worried about you, Lisa.” He paused. “So was I.”

  It took a moment for her to absorb this. Joe had actually thought about their argument and wanted to talk about it? He’d been worried about her? Dare she get her hopes up?

  No. She couldn’t take another letdown. She struggled to keep her expression neutral. “I’m glad you found me.”

  As soon as she spoke, he nodded and turned away.

  She couldn’t tell if he was regretful, embarrassed, or happy. Not wanting to push him away when they’d made this small step forward, Lisa went to the closet and gathered some things for her shower.

  When she walked past the bunk beds toward the bathroom, she spotted her and Cody’s orca sweatshirts lying behind Joe on his bed.

  “Joe?”

  He ducked his head as if embarrassed then glanced at the shirts before looking at her. He took a deep breath. “I found them in the closet. It’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “You searched my bags? Why?” It was so unlike Joe, she wasn’t sure what to say.

  “I saw them when you were looking at them in the closet. When you left the room after our argument, I— I needed to see them again.”

  His voice grew husky.

  An ache settled deep in her heart.

  “I—I thought about him. About Cody.” Joe squeezed his eyes shut, and the sting of tears gathered in Lisa’s own eyes. “I tried to picture him happy, smiling. I couldn’t. But when I took the shirt out of the closet, looked at his artwork again, I could picture him drawing and could finally imagine him smiling.”

  He opened his pain-filled eyes and swallowed hard. “I knew you’d want his shirt with you when you saw the whales, so I was bringing it to you,” he said, his voice a raw whisper.

  “Oh, Joe. Thank you.” She turned away and ran into the bathroom so he wouldn’t see the tears she could no longer hold at bay.

  The hot water washed over her, but that wasn’t what eventually seeped through the chill to warm her flesh and bones. It was Him. God. He’d been listening after all. He really was here with her…and with Joe.

  “Lord, I’m so confused,” she prayed as she stood under the hot spray. “I thought you didn’t hear me any longer. But you did. You sent Joe to find me when I needed him the most.”

  As she prayed a prayer of thanksgiving and asked forgiveness for her doubts, Lisa began to hope again.

  ****

  While Lisa showered, Joe sat in one of the uncomfortable green chairs holding Cody’s whale sweatshirt and tried to figure out exactly what he was feeling.

  In some ways, things felt right—not as in ‘all is well with the world,’ because without their son, the world would never be the same again. But he knew he needed to be here, on this ship, with Lisa, helping her through her heartache.

  Then there were these warm feelings still lingering inside him. They both confused and amazed him. Much as he wanted to deny it, he wasn’t ready for the feelings to dissipate. What could he do to hang on to them?

  “Joe? I think there’s someone at the door.”

  Joe looked up to see Lisa peeking out the bathroom door, face flushed and a towel wrapped around her damp body. He stared a minute too long. Embarrassed, he looked away. Then he almost looked again. Why should he be embarrassed? She was his wife, after all.

  Because, you idiot, you abandoned her when she needed you most.

  “Joe?” Eyebrows raised along with her voice, Lisa tilted her head toward the cabin door. “The door?”

  Only then did he become aware of the knocking sound.

  “Sorry.” Disconcerted by his thoughts, Joe tossed Cody’s shirt in the other chair before he headed toward the door. Who could possibly be knocking on the door at this time of night, especially on a cruise ship where they didn’t know a soul?

  An elderly woman stood at the door.

  “You must have the wrong room,” Joe said.

  “Not if you’re Lisa’s husband, I don’t.” The woman spoke in a cheerful tone. Too cheerful for what he and Lisa had been through this evening.

  “Oh.” Joe blinked. He looked back toward Lisa, but she’d disappeared back into the bathroom. When had she made friends? First little Brandon and now this white-haired lady.

  “So, are you?” She stared at him, her eyes magnified behind thick glasses.

  “Am I what?”

  She just smiled and stared some more.

  “Oh. Lisa’s husband. Yes. I am. Forgive my manners.” He held out his hand. “Joe Kendall. And you are?”

  “I’m Jessica Lane.” She took his hand firmly in hers then covered it with her other one in a comforting manner. She had an unusually strong grip. Though lined with age, her hands were deeply tanned and muscular. She’d obviously worked hard her entire life. “I just heard what happened. Poor Lisa. I wanted to check in on her before I retire for the night. Is she all right? She could have caught pneumonia.”

  People were talking about Lisa? Just exactly what were they saying? And who would be saying anything at all? Lisa didn’t know anyone on the cruise. Except, apparently, Brandon and this woman standing here.

  “Are you all right?”

  With a start, Joe realized he was staring at the poor woman as if she had two heads.

  “I’m sorry. I just didn’t know Lisa knew anyone on the ship.”

  “We met on one of the upper decks after I saw her in the gift shop. We sat and had a nice long talk. She’s a real sweetheart.”

  Jessica sounded so genuine that Joe couldn’t help but smile. “Yes,” he agreed. “She is, and she’s doing fine. She’s taking a shower. When she’s finished, I’m going to try to get her to eat some soup.”

  “She could do with more than soup. She’s much too thin.”

  Joe’s sentiments exactly. He nodded. “But I’ll be happy just to get some soup in her.”

  Jessica raised one white eyebrow and looked past his shoulder as though she expected to be invited in. He couldn’t very well shut the door in her face, but he didn’t want her to see the bunk beds and get too inquisitive.

  “I’d invite you in, but Lisa’s showering.”

  “Then why don’t I accompany you to the café on the Skygazer Deck while you buy Lisa that soup you mentioned? We can talk along the way.”

  How could he say no to that? Besides, he was curious to find out exactly what Jessica knew about his and Lisa’s relationship. “Let me just get my wallet.”

  Joe ducked back inside the cabin, inhaling a waft of citrus-scented air that had escaped under the bathroom door. He grabbed his wallet off the nightstand and headed back toward the door, stopping at the sight of Cody’s shirt where he’d carelessly tossed it. He scooped it up and spread it across Lisa’s bed. After running his hand over it to smooth out the wrinkles, he knocked on the bathroom door. “Lisa, I’ll be back in just a bit.”

  “Oh…OK, Joe.”

  If he told her he intended to bring her back something to eat, she’d probably ask him not to leave. So, he left it at that.

  ****

  Joe stepped into the corridor and was met by Jessica, who wore a none-too-friendly scowl. He probably shouldn’t have shut the door in her face. “Sorry.” He muttered an apology and started down the hall with Lisa’s newfound friend.

  “I’m worried about Lisa.” Jessica tossed the words over her shoulder as she power-walked toward the elevator.

  Did she know Lisa well enough to be worried about her? Now Joe was even more curious about this woman.

  “I’m worried, too.” Joe increased his stride so he could c
atch up with her. This was no frail little lady fading into the twilight years. He had a feeling she was full of surprises.

  “Brandon’s father told me she was inconsolable.”

  So Jessica knew Brandon and his father. This ship was beginning to seem like a small community. The thought made him a little more than uncomfortable.

  “Yes,” Joe admitted. “Lisa was heartbroken. It kind of scared me. I haven’t seen her cry like that in a long time.”

  Or heard her cry, he amended to himself. This cruise was the first time he’d physically seen her in weeks. But her voice on the messages she left every day didn’t sound like someone who’d been crying. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember when he’d last heard her voice on the phone and even thought she’d been crying. When had she stopped?

  “Why do you think she’s so upset?”

  Why did it even matter to this woman? Still, she’d sought them out to check on Lisa. “She missed seeing the whales. It has something to do with our son. He loved whales so much.”

  “So seeing them was important to her. But important enough to cause this kind of response?”

  Maybe Jessica was a retired psychiatrist. She was beginning to ask him way too many questions. “No. This is more like she’s given up, and I can’t stand the thought.” Joe scrubbed his hands over his face. “Even when we lost Cody, her faith kept her from giving in to the overwhelming grief. I’m not saying she didn’t grieve. She did. She cried a lot. But she didn’t let it take her to some dark place she could never come back from.”

  “What about you?”

  Joe shook his head. What was this woman driving at? “Me?”

  “Your faith. How did it help you get through?”

  That dark place he spoke of…Joe knew it well, and he couldn’t believe he was about to share his next statement with a stranger. “It didn’t.”

  She smiled at him, nodded, and didn’t say anything.

  And her silence somehow built a bridge between him and Jessica. “To tell you the truth, I was kind of relieved when Lisa finally stopped crying over our son.”