True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  Warm sensations flooded her heart. At the same time, hot tears filled her eyes and a painful lump tightened her throat.

  “Please? Lisa?” His touch was gentle as he turned her chin to face him.

  “OK.” Lisa tried to smile and swallowed hard as she looked up at him. “OK,” she said again. Her face felt so right cradled in his hand, she found herself searching his eyes with her own…and she had the strangest feeling he was going to kiss her.

  ****

  When Joe saw the moisture in Lisa’s eyes, he leaned closer and cupped her face in both hands. He wanted to comfort her, wipe her tears away, kiss her, hold her close and never let her go.

  “Lisa,” he murmured.

  “Don’t look now, but we’ve got company.”

  Joe dropped his hand from Lisa’s cheek, relieved to be snapped back to reality. He’d almost kissed her. It would have been a disaster.

  “Hi, Miss Lisa. Are you still ’consolable?” Brandon, as enthusiastic as always, stopped directly in front of Lisa, his expression a mixture of joy and concern. His dad followed close behind.

  “Brandon. Don’t bother them.” Brandon’s dad’s face was flushed as he came to a stop next to Brandon.

  “It’s OK.” Lisa said cheerfully. “He’s not bothering us, really.” She paused then took Brandon’s hand. “Brandon, I’m feeling much better today. Mostly because you helped Joe find me last night. Thank you.” She spoke so gently and soothing, her words tugged directly at Joe’s heart.

  Brandon beamed as he stared up at Lisa. Apparently, she knew just what to say to tug on the little boy’s heart, too.

  Her smile was just as bright, though Joe could detect a glimmer of moisture in her eyes. The smile was for Brandon and Brandon alone, even though it took everything within her to smile. The tug at his heart grew stronger, and he wanted to pull her close. Instead, he turned to Brandon’s dad.

  “I’m Joe Kendall and this is my wife, Lisa. We never did catch your name.”

  “It’s Chad. Chad Cole.” The man’s scowl lightened somewhat. “And as you already know, this is Brandon. It’s nice to meet you both.”

  Joe extended his hand to Chad, who shook his hand then turned to Lisa. “How are you feeling this morning?” Chad’s scowl had totally disappeared, replaced by a vague smile.

  Lisa let go of Brandon’s hand in order to shake Chad’s.

  “I’m doing much better, Chad. Thank you.” Lisa pulled her hand from his and turned back to the little boy.

  “And Brandon, I’m glad to see you again today so I can thank you properly for helping Joe find me last night. You’re a real hero.”

  A rosy blush tinged Brandon’s cheeks, and he looked down at his shoes for just a second before he looked at her again, his smile bright.

  “Me and my dad are going to Catch-can. Are you going there, too?”

  “Ketchikan,” Chad corrected him.

  “Thanks, Brandon. But I don’t think so.” Joe smiled at the boy. “Lisa’s still feeling a little tired, so we’re just going to stay here and relax today.”

  “OK.” A slight frown formed between Brandon’s sandy-colored eyebrows but disappeared as he quickly went on to his next thought. “Did you know this ship’s so huge it can’t get close to the dock? That’s why we’re going so slow. Then, when we stop, we get to ride on this really cool-looking boat all the way to shore. I can’t wait!” As if to prove his point, he jumped up and down.

  “Brandon,” his father warned.

  In true little-boy style, Brandon ignored his dad. “Did you know they have seaplanes in Catch-can?” His blue eyes grew wide as he said it. “I heard some of the other people talking about it.”

  “Oh?” Surprisingly, a spark of interest lit Joe. He hadn’t looked forward to very much in the last several months, hadn’t been interested in anything. But a seaplane flying over the forests and glaciers? He could almost catch some of Brandon’s little-boy enthusiasm. “Are you and your dad going to ride on one?”

  Too bad Lisa didn’t want to go to shore. Not that it mattered. There was no way she’d ever step on to a seaplane. She hated to fly. Period.

  “Nah. We’re going exploring. Nuthin’ special. Maybe see some totem poles, and I think we’re going to a salmon bake.” Brandon wrinkled his freckled, sunburned nose.

  “Well, I hope you and your dad have fun.”

  “Thanks.” Brandon kicked his toe at the carpeted floor of the solarium. “The totem poles might be cool, but I don’t think I’ll like the salmon. It’s fish.” He made a face that reminded Joe of Cody when he didn’t want to eat something he thought would be gross.

  “Don’t you like fish?”

  “No way!”

  “I don’t like it either.” Lisa’s response was quick, and Joe couldn’t help but smile because he knew that like Brandon, a salmon bake was the last thing Lisa would want to attend.

  “I really wanted to ride on the seaplane, but my dad says it’s too ’spensive.”

  “Let’s go, Brandon. We’ve taken enough of the Kendalls’ time.” Joe flinched at Chad’s sharp tone, which was most likely due to embarrassment at having his son announce to the world they couldn’t afford something. Joe might have acted the same way if his son had mentioned their finances—before he’d come face-to-face with the reality that in the big scheme, a child’s honesty was something to cherish.

  “He’s not bothering us, Chad,” Lisa said.

  “No,” Joe agreed. “He can talk with us anytime.”

  Chad nodded. “We’d better get going, or we’ll miss the shuttle boat.”

  “Have fun with your dad, Brandon.” The cheer in Lisa’s voice sounded forced, but her face gave no indication of her feelings.

  “Bye, Miss Lisa. See you later.” The little boy waved before he charged off down the hall, his dad following behind.

  Smile firmly in place, Lisa waved back as Brandon and Chad disappeared around the corner. Then her smile was gone now. “He really wants to ride on a seaplane.”

  “They have some tours scheduled in Juneau tomorrow. Maybe we can sign up for one.” Joe couldn’t help but hope she’d be willing. “It can be our way to thank Brandon for finding you yesterday.”

  Lisa’s blue eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open. “No, thank you, Joseph Kendall. You can go, and take Brandon and his father, but I sure won’t. You know better than to even suggest such a thing.”

  “Fine.” He sighed. Even though he expected it, her response left him feeling disappointed. “I was just trying to think of something we could do to make his day a little brighter. He’s a sweet kid.”

  “He is,” Lisa agreed. Her tone grew quiet. “Little boys need to have fun.”

  Was she thinking about Cody? Joe found himself wanting to pull her into his arms and comfort her, but didn’t. He wasn’t sure how far to take this thing. Making her day brighter was one thing, touching her, holding her was quite another.

  “I think maybe we should pray for Chad and Brandon to have a good day.”

  Lisa’s declaration caught him off guard, and Joe swallowed hard, thinking of Cody.

  Yesterday he would have said God didn’t listen to him anymore. He would have said he didn’t pray anymore. He couldn’t say either of those things because something happened to him yesterday and suddenly prayer once again was an option.

  Whether for Brandon and his dad, or for Lisa or himself, rekindling his prayer life was definitely something he needed to think more about.

  It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have with Lisa right now, if ever, so Joe simply began gathering up their dishes. “I’ll take these back to the Kodiak Grill. Do you want me to bring you anything else?”

  “No, thank you. I think I’ll just sit here a while and watch the water.”

  Was she hoping to see the whales again? His sudden overwhelming need to pull her into his arms was unexpected. Ironic he would feel this way, given his past record of offering her comfort. Would it be hypocritical for him to take her
into his arms after having neglected her for so long? He took one last look at his wife and then headed toward the elevator.

  12

  Every instinct within her said Joe wanted to hold her just now. But he’d run.

  Lisa paced the solarium floor along the wall of windows that allowed her to view the water. Earlier, before Brandon arrived, Joe had been about to kiss her.

  Had he finally realized he still loved her, and that she loved him? Perhaps his offer to come home would be just around the corner.

  Instead of driving herself crazy with questions, Lisa headed up to the Skygazer Deck for a brisk walk in the fresh air. Maybe it would help clear her head and give her the answers she needed.

  She wished her cell phone had service so she could call and talk to Rose about it, to see if her perception was right. There was always Jessica, of course, except she’d have to wait until Jessica returned from Ketchikan. Lisa smiled at the thought of her new friend. What would Jessica say? She’d probably tell Lisa she should have agreed to go into Ketchikan today.

  But going to Ketchikan wouldn’t have made a difference. Joe’s invitation had been an empty one. He didn’t really want to go. Still, he’d made the offer, and she couldn’t help but think that he was simply trying to make up for her being so upset last night.

  One thing was for certain. Whether he’d wanted to go to Ketchikan or not, he had wanted to kiss her. She didn’t really need to confirm her feelings with either Rose or Jessica.

  Lisa could kick herself for making him worry about her last night, for showing him her vulnerability. Her perpetual sadness was, of course, the reason he’d stopped coming home. So it seemed odd that after last night he’d want to spend any part of today with her. Still, his concern appeared genuine. Maybe it wasn’t an empty invitation after all.

  She considered asking him to go to Juneau in the morning. If she did, he would most certainly want to ride in the seaplane. His interest in that was definitely real. She shuddered, certain she couldn’t get on one of those planes. The very thought sent her heart slamming against her ribs.

  Then again, she might be able to if putting aside her fear meant she could spend time her husband.

  ****

  When Joe got back to the solarium, Lisa wasn’t there. He went to their room and found it empty. He couldn’t go through this again. Just as he stepped out the door to go search for her, she came around the corner.

  “Where were you?” He winced at the demanding tone in his voice. “Sorry. I was worried. I know you were upset after our conversation with Brandon. I didn’t want you to go off by yourself and feel sad again.”

  “I’m fine, Joe. Really.” She gave him a reassuring smile and brushed past him into the room. “I just went for a walk.”

  “Oh.” He really shouldn’t be upset, but didn’t she understand he was worried about her after the whale incident?

  Lisa sat down in one of the green chairs then looked up at him. “I’m thinking maybe we should have gone into Ketchikan. That way we wouldn’t have to spend so much time in this cramped little space.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I don’t really know what happened with our room, because we—”

  “Cabin.” Lisa’s smile was wide.

  Fifteen minutes ago when Joe left her in the solarium, she looked sad. Now she was smiling.

  “Jessica told me it’s called a cabin when you’re on a ship.”

  “Right. I wasn’t thinking.” Joe grinned. “Not about that, anyway. I was thinking about how much we paid for a private balcony. Remember? I don’t know where the mix-up was, but I didn’t have the energy to question it when I first checked in. And bunk beds? Really?”

  Lisa ducked her head, looking suddenly shy.

  Great. He was flirting with her. He shouldn’t be doing that. He still hadn’t sorted out his own feelings.

  “There was supposed to be a bed for us and bed for Cody.” Lisa was quiet for the space of a heartbeat and when she looked up at him, her smile had faded. “I guess it’s a good thing we have the bunk beds, given our current situation.”

  Joe said nothing.

  “I think I’ll take my book and go back to the solarium and read for a while.” Lisa took the two short steps to the bed and stuck her hand under the pillow.

  She withdrew a book. Just like home. She probably even had a little flashlight under there. Either that or one of those little lights that clipped on the pages. He found a strange comfort in knowing some things never changed.

  When Lisa pulled the sweatshirt with Cody’s artwork over her head, a feeling of warmth washed over Joe as he recalled the way seeing it yesterday sparked memories of his son, followed by his subsequent talk with God.

  “I think I’ll join you.” He grabbed his own book off the nightstand and followed her back to the solarium. “At least there, we can watch the view.”

  He waited until they were both settled in the comfy chairs, and then hesitantly mentioned what he’d hoped to tell her about yesterday. “I told you yesterday that I knew you’d want Cody’s shirt when you saw the whales, and that’s why I was bringing it to you.”

  “I remember.” Lisa focused her blue eyes on him, watching him intensely. He wanted to hold her gaze, but he looked away.

  “Do you remember the rest of what I said?”

  “That you tried to picture him happy and smiling. When you looked at his artwork on the shirt, you could picture him that way.”

  Joe nodded. “When you first told me having the shirt with you helped you to feel close to him, I didn’t understand. Ever since he died, I’ve been having a hard time picturing his face. Then I sat there with the shirt, and I could see him at the table drawing his whales, just chatting away. It was then when I understood why you so desperately needed to see the whales.”

  Lisa touched him lightly on the arm, and he resisted the urge to crush her to his chest. “I’m glad,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry we missed them.”

  The bittersweet warmth of her tone made his desire to hold her even stronger. He swallowed hard and looked her in the eye, determined to tell her what was in his heart. Even though it was difficult, even though it made him vulnerable, it was something she needed to know.

  “I didn’t want you here. I thought you were following me just so you could try to get me to come home.”

  Lisa looked away from him and stared out at the fishing boats in the water.

  “But now I understand.” He meant it. “You need to be here to find that closure, too. When I was finally able to picture Cody’s face, it was as if someone unlocked a door. I know why you’re here. I know why you brought the shirt. And if nothing else comes of this, at least I can visualize our little boy again.”

  Still staring at the water, Lisa didn’t answer.

  Had he revealed too much? Part of him knew a great burden had lifted off his shoulders. Another part of him wished he could take it all back.

  Feeling awkward, but unwilling to leave her presence, he picked up his book and pretended to read. He should leave, but sitting here with Lisa gave him such an odd sense of comfort. He remembered yesterday when he’d had such a strong feeling that the Lord was here with him. He was here now. And it was He who kept Joe sitting here next to Lisa, no matter how much he believed he should run.

  If only He could fill Joe in on what Lisa was thinking. Please, Lord.

  The prayer whispered through his mind as naturally as if he really had been holding up his end of the relationship with the Lord instead of letting it drop at the same time he’d ignored his family while building his career.

  ****

  Guilt struck deep in her heart, and Lisa hated herself. For more than a moment, really. Long enough for Joe to fall asleep. Still staring out at the water, she heard the soft sound of his book fall. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see it resting on his chest where it had dropped. She reached over and picked it up and then set it on the small table between them.

  Had he really been readin
g, or was it merely a way to avoid any further deep-hearted confessions? He looked so vulnerable, raw, not the least bit peaceful. She watched him for a moment, feeling uncertain. He’d been honest with her. Never a sentimental man, he’d dug into the depths of his being to share those feelings, and Lisa was thankful.

  Some healing had happened in Joe’s heart, and she could only pray it continued. Unfortunately, it also opened up a quagmire of guilt in her heart. She really shouldn’t continue to let him think she was here to find closure. She needed to tell him she really did come on the cruise to try to get him to come home. But if she did, he might get angry and shut down. He was talking to her, and that was such a good sign. They’d made some sort of tenuous progress, and she didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. But she feared for what he might do when he learned her real motive for coming aboard. If she didn’t correct him now, it would be lying. Rose could tell her all day long that it wasn’t, but allowing him to believe something false was the same as if she outright lied. Plain and simple. And Joe not only wouldn’t forgive her; he’d probably stay in the next port and figure out some other way to get home.

  He’d put himself out there, been honest with her. She needed to do the same for him. If he returned home without knowing the truth, it would be a hollow victory.

  Unable to focus on the book, Lisa gave up and tossed it aside. She went to the Skygazer Café and ordered two iced teas. She was thirsty, and Joe would be, too, when he woke up.

  He was still sprawled out on the lounge chair when she returned. She stared at him for a minute, aching to reach out and touch him. Having made her decision to be honest with him, she knew this might be the last bit of time he’d spend with her.

  Lisa sat in the chair next to Joe’s and stared out at the water. Waiting for him to wake up, she tried to summon courage and words.

  “Hey.” Joe’s voice startled her out of her thoughts. “You look upset. What are you thinking about?”

  This was it. Lisa took a deep, steadying breath. It would be all right. It had to be. “Joe, I—