True North
Page 15
He wanted it to be true. He didn’t deserve it, but he wanted it nonetheless.
****
Lisa approached the table at the same moment the waiter arrived with their food. It was a good thing, because she needed a diversion. She’d left the table to get her hurt and frustration under control, but it still threatened to bubble over. Joe had pretty clearly broadcast his eagerness for her to dance with a strange man.
Everything seemed fine until that song had played through the speakers of the dining room. It seemed meant to be. Perfect timing. God’s timing. Only He knew what that song meant to them.
It would have been the perfect moment for them if Darryl hadn’t interrupted. He’d spoiled everything. But the look on Joe’s face when he said he didn’t care if she danced with Darryl—like he wished the guy would take her off of his hands—hurt her deeply and spoiled it even more. Joe’s actions totally contradicted the spark she’d seen in his eyes when they’d first walked into the dining room and he’d brushed the hair from her face. That spark was the only thing she could grab on to for hope that he was coming around to her way of thinking.
“I don’t see any powder on your nose, Miss Lisa.”
Laughter spilled around the table at Brandon’s innocent comment. One look into the little boy’s questioning gaze, and Lisa’s heart melted.
“It’s not the kind you can see, sweetheart.”
“Oh.” He appeared to give it some serious thought. Unable to help herself, Lisa smiled at him. At the same time, her anger at Joe dispersed. Smiling at Brandon while she felt angry toward Joe or anyone else at the same time was next to impossible.
Before she could take her seat, Joe and Jessica approached from behind. She hadn’t even noticed they weren’t at the table.
Joe held Jessica’s chair for her as she sat down, then he turned to Lisa.
“Come with me, Lisa.” He grabbed her by the hand before she could even protest.
And Jessica had a smile—no, a smirk—on her face.
“Where are we going?” His hand felt so right in hers that she didn’t even think of pulling away, even if she was still a little miffed at him.
“I just want to talk to you for a minute.”
Immediately curious, Lisa allowed Joe to lead her away from the table.
As he did, she heard Brandon ask loudly, “Where are they going, Dad?”
Certain the question attracted stares from every nearby table, Lisa hurried alongside Joe. She didn’t care what people thought. She only cared that her husband wanted to talk to her, though she was curious about why he led her in the direction of the dance floor instead of the entrance to the dining room.
“Is there a reason we can’t talk at the table?” Even as she asked the question, her heart picked up a beat. She thought she’d detected a look of relief on his face when she refused to dance with Darryl. Had Darryl caused Joe to realize he was ready to come home? Oh, if he would only tell her so. Her heart quickened.
“Too many people are listening.”
“You mean Jessica?”
“And Chad and Brandon and Derrick.”
“Darryl.”
“Whatever.”
He lowered his voice, and Lisa noticed an immediate softening to his tone. “Let’s dance.”
Her heart picked up another beat, thrumming in her ears. “You’re willing to dance with me rather than talk in front of them?” She tried to suppress a smile. Joe’s mysterious act certainly gave her reason to hope. He grabbed her hand before she could question him or refuse. Not that she would refuse, of course.
With her hand clasped tightly in his, Lisa rested her head against his broad shoulder. There was nowhere else on earth she belonged. Listening to the beating of his heart, she didn’t even try to suppress her sigh. This was so perfect.
The familiar scent of soap and shaving cream almost brought tears to her eyes. It had been so long. She tried to inhale without him knowing. She closed her eyes as she did, savoring the familiar scent. Could she possibly draw enough of it into her senses to last her a lifetime in case the unthinkable happened and he didn’t come home?
“We’ll just be a minute. We need to talk.” His warm breath brushed across her ear as he whispered the words, but it took a moment for them to register. When they finally did, the cloud of perfection vanished.
Need, not want. This didn’t sound as promising as she’d first thought. Joe didn’t sound like he wanted to dance or talk. “About?” Again, her heart picked up a beat. But not in a good way. She was afraid to look up at him, afraid for him to see her desperation.
Joe swallowed hard, and she could feel him hesitate before he spoke again. “Why didn’t you dance with him?”
Her response was simple. “We’re married, Joe.”
“I know that but—”
“But nothing. You’re my husband, and there’s nothing, nothing you can do to change it.”
Before he could respond, she continued. “Today was a wonderful day. It was all so perfect. You made me feel better at a time when I didn’t think I’d ever feel better again. You may not think you need me, but I sure need you. You’re the only man for me, Joe. I’m the only woman for you. When are you going to quit torturing both of us and let us come back to each other?”
Pushing away from his arms, she stared up at him. The pain etched on his face and in his eyes was so gripping, Lisa couldn’t look away.
“I want to dance with you, Joe. Only you. And, like the song they were playing earlier says, our song in case you need a reminder, for the rest of my life.”
“Oh, so you noticed it, too?”
“What?” She wasn’t questioning his words. She simply couldn’t believe he’d noticed the tune when it was playing.
“Never mind.” He glanced away, sounding like he wished he’d kept quiet.
“Joe?” She didn’t know why, but she wanted him to admit he’d heard the song, wanted him to make eye contact so she could see what it meant to him.
And it did mean something to him. She could tell by the way that he still refused to look at her.
She kept her gaze steady, staring at his profile, wanting him to know how serious she was about saving their marriage. Even when her eyes filled with the tears she so desperately fought, tears she didn’t want Joe to see, she didn’t waver.
Lisa wanted Joe to look her in the eyes and tell her he was coming home.
Either that or give her a good reason why not.
15
Holding Lisa close was Joe’s second mistake. The first was the bright idea to dance with her.
Every ounce of self-preservation was lost when he asked the question that propelled them to the dance floor in the first place.
What on earth was he thinking?
Simply put, he wasn’t. Not in the least. Not about getting off this ship without losing his heart all over again, that’s for sure. He’d stopped processing gray matter the instant he stared into her bright blue eyes, still swimming with tears, and he was lost along with every ounce of self-preservation.
Small, slender, and soft, her hand fit perfectly in his, and as they walked to the dance floor he was slammed with memories. Her hand trembled slightly. Clearly, it affected her as well as it did him. He shouldn’t be doing this to her. It wasn’t fair.
Mistake number three came when they reached the dance floor where couples had their arms wrapped around each other. Either Joe took Lisa in his arms, or he’d look like a fool.
Knowing how she affected him, he’d almost rather look the fool. But he’d come this far, he would finish it.
As soon as he put her arms around her waist, he was a goner.
Heaven help him. How could he stay away from her?
Tenderness pulled Joe’s heart toward Lisa. After all of the guilt he’d heaped upon himself, after all of the time away from her, it simply didn’t make sense. Was it the setting? The music? Or when he’d brushed the hair from her cheek when they’d first arrived in the dining room? Or…simply Lisa.
Even though he stood his ground in avoiding her gaze, she continued to stare at him. Expectant. Determined.
Thankfully, the music ended, giving him the perfect opportunity to turn and head back to the table. Though he tried not to be, he was well aware of her hand in his as she ran along behind him.
Knowing full well he was acting rude, Joe didn’t slow his stride. Neither did he hold the chair for her when they reached the table.
When he caught sight of Jessica’s disapproving glare, he withered. Shame filled him. This dinner tonight was about Lisa, not him or his petty jealousy or even about the feelings he tried not to have.
He turned to Lisa and the hurt in her eyes pricked his conscience. Yet, again, he had to swallow his pride. “I’m sorry. I was in a hurry to get back to the table so we could eat.”
He could tell she didn’t believe him. Neither did Jessica, but at least she stopped glaring at him long enough to pick at her food.
No one said grace. It was an odd thing to notice, but Joe was thinking about God again. Saying grace was something they’d always done before he started paying more attention to his job and less to his family. There were many nights when Lisa and Cody ate by themselves. Had they said grace as they sat in the quiet house alone? If only he could get back every one of those missed meals.
Lisa hadn’t said grace when they’d eaten together earlier. Or maybe she had, and he hadn’t noticed. Falling back into a relationship with the Lord seemed more natural by the minute, and he figured he’d start to notice a lot of things.
Joe bowed his head briefly, asking God to forgive him and to take away Lisa’s pain. As for his own pain, he didn’t deserve to have it taken away.
He froze for a moment while he realized he could do one of two things. Embrace the renewing of the relationship or run. He blinked his eyes, feeling God’s presence all around him. He wasn’t sure how this would affect his relationship with Lisa, but he could no longer run from God.
As he finished his prayer, he avoided eye contact with everyone—especially Lisa—and reached for the steak sauce.
****
Lisa’s heart filled with joy when Joe bowed his head to pray. In all honesty, she couldn’t remember the last time she saw him pray before a meal. Her thoughts were interrupted by a squeal from Brandon.
“What’s wrong?” Chad’s sharp tone was followed by a loud sigh, and caught Lisa off guard. It must have done the same for everyone else, too, because they all stared at Chad.
A deep red flush that contrasted sharply with the shade of his hair crept across Chad’s face. “Sorry,” he said. “What’s wrong, Brandon?” This time the question was asked in a softer tone.
“There’s something icky on my sandwich.” Brandon pushed his plate away and wrinkled his nose.
How many times had she seen that same look on Cody’s face? Lisa smiled in spite of herself, amazed when the memory brought a smile instead of pain. She caught Joe’s eye, and she saw a faint hint of a smile on his face as well. It disappeared so fast though, she might have only imagined it.
“Brandon.” Chad groaned with obvious frustration. “It’s a turkey sandwich. Turkey and mayo. Maybe a little lettuce.”
“No, Dad. This man-aze is gross. It’s all lumpy. And there’s something else in here. Some pink thing that I don’t like.”
Chad sighed again and reached for Brandon’s plate. “Let me see.” He pulled the top slice of bread off to reveal what appeared to be cream cheese with some sort of cranberry mixture. Lisa had to agree with Brandon. It did look gross.
Chad grabbed a butter knife and started scraping the bread. “Really, Brandon.” Chad’s tone was stern now instead of frustrated. “We can’t afford to waste food. You need to learn to eat things you don’t like.”
Tears hovered in Brandon’s eyes. “But, Dad—”
“No buts. Just eat.”
Empathy for Brandon welled deep within.
“Chad?” Jessica sounded nervous, almost as if she wasn’t sure saying anything was a good idea. “Brandon’s welcome to have my mashed potatoes and gravy. There’s even a dinner roll here he might like.”
“And he can have some of my steak,” Joe offered. His voice was deeper than usual and carefully controlled.
“No, thank you. That’s nice of you, but Brandon needs to learn to eat things he doesn’t like.”
Brandon looked truly distressed, and the discomfort of everyone at their table was palpable.
“But, Dad, there’s still stuff stuck to the bread. I might puke.”
“No,” Chad growled. “You. Won’t. Now. Eat.”
Lisa didn’t hear what, if anything, Brandon said because Joe chose that moment to shove his chair back and storm from the dining room. He didn’t even excuse himself.
“Joe!” Lisa stood as she called out to him, but he didn’t respond or look back.
“It’ll be all right, dear.” Jessica patted Lisa’s hand and gave her a tiny smile.
No, it wouldn’t. Lisa sat back down and tried returning the smile, but it was weak at best. When she heard Brandon ask if Joe was angry at someone, she grabbed her napkin and blotted her eyes in hopes of stopping the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.
“Give him a few minutes, dear, and then go after him.”
Lisa looked Jessica square in the eye and spoke with as much confidence as she could muster. “Oh, I will, Jessica. I will.”
He’s upset. He’s hurting and he needs me.
Her unspoken words bolstered her to her feet.
She stood and walked from the dining room, determined to find her husband.
Joe wasn’t outside the dining room as she expected. She hurried to their cabin, hoping he went back there. The cabin was empty, but Lisa could smell Joe’s aftershave in the air.
She could sit here and wait for him to return, but he’d looked for her last night when she needed him. She intended to return the favor.
Lisa left the cabin, got in the elevator, and pushed the button for the Skygazer Deck. That’s where Joe found her last night, and that’s where she hoped to find him now.
To Lisa’s relief, he stood against the railing across from the Skygazer Café.
He stared out at the inky black water, the look on his face forlorn. The look tugged at her, and she longed to wrap her arms around his waist and press her face against his shoulders—broad shoulders carrying an even broader burden. But something in her whispered, be still. So she was. Though the ache to hold him was strong, she sat at one of the nearby outdoor tables and remained silent.
Eventually Joe buried his face in something he held in his hands. She hadn’t noticed it before, and from this distance, she couldn’t quite tell what it was.
After a few minutes that seemed to last forever, he walked over and sat next to Lisa even though he’d never once given a hint that he knew she was there.
She gasped as he spread something on the table and smoothed it out. She realized it was her whale sweatshirt. Not Cody’s, but hers.
“I wish I’d—” His words were thick with emotion.
“Wish you’d what?”
“It’s too late to—” He shook his head as his voice trailed off.
“Joe?” He wasn’t making any sense, and she so desperately wanted to help him.
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” He looked at her, studying her face. The emotion in his eyes broke her heart. She knew then she’d failed. “You shouldn’t have come, Lisa.”
“I wanted to make sure you were OK.”
“I didn’t mean just now. I meant—” He sighed. “I meant you shouldn’t have come on the cruise. I knew it was a mistake when I didn’t get off the ship in Vancouver.”
Lisa bit her lip
and shook her head. The progress they’d made—it was all coming undone. She reached out and ran her hand over the shirt, over Cody’s artwork.
“It hurts too much.” Joe’s voice was thick with pain, but he placed his hand next to hers and traced the whale on the shirt. “Seeing you, seeing this, feeling again. I don’t want to feel, Lisa.”
“I know.” She put her hand on his, oddly comforted when he made no move to escape her touch.
“And Chad…the way he treated Brandon.” He looked at her and her heart twisted in anguish at the raw pain in his eyes. “He humiliated that little boy. A turkey sandwich spread with cranberries and cream cheese is not important in the scheme of things. What’s important is that he has his son.” Joe turned his hand up so their palms touched.
“How can he treat his son like that while mine is lying in a cold grave?”
Naked emotion tore from him, and Lisa was shocked when a tear he fought hard to suppress rolled down his face. Unable to help herself, Lisa pulled her hand from his and threw her arms around him. She cradled his head against her shoulder, blessedly thankful when he didn’t resist. Instead, he buried it there while he sobbed. Tears ran freely down Lisa’s face as well, but she was careful not to even sniffle. She needed to comfort Joe. This was the first time he’d sought it, and to her knowledge these were the first tears he’d shed since their son’s death.
After a while, Joe grew quiet. His sobs subsided with the exception of an occasional sniffle and a deep intake of breath.
Still, he kept his head on Lisa’s shoulder, and she was glad to hold him.
“Earlier, when I told you seeing Cody’s artwork yesterday helped me to picture his face again…there was more. I’m not really sure why, but I need to share it with you now.”
As soon as he mentioned Cody, Lisa held her breath, thankful Joe was opening up to her, eager to hear whatever it was he had to say.
“I prayed. And when I did, something inside me changed.”
Hope bloomed in her heart. Thank you, Father, for answering my prayer.
Joe was turning back to the Lord. She’d noticed him bowing his head at dinner, before eating, but she’d thought he could have been thinking about something else. Unable to help herself, she tightened her arms around him. Joe lifted his head and studied her face for a moment. Then Lisa remained breathless when he brought his hand to her cheek and gently traced it.