True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  While that should have been all she needed to bound eagerly toward the end of the dock, Lisa continued to walk as slowly as possible.

  “Just think of it as sightseeing from the sky,” Jessica said. “They assured me it’s a great way to see the Misty Fjords. And we might even see a bear or two along with Brandon’s whales.”

  Lisa’s eyes widened and she stared at Jessica. “Aren’t you afraid?”

  “Not at all. But I don’t blame you for being scared. I’ve never flown before, but I’m not going to let it stop me from seeing all of this from the air.” She waved her arms around to indicate the glaciers, mountains, and water. “Are you, Lisa?”

  “I—I don’t know.” Once again, fear threatened to paralyze her.

  Please, dear Lord, wipe that concerned look off Joe’s face. Her prayer wasn’t answered, and Lisa found herself torn between wanting to make Joe happy and keeping both feet on the ground.

  “God, please give me strength,” she muttered as she took a step toward the seaplane. Her mouth went dry as Joe waited patiently. The pilot looked irritated as her feet seemed to grow roots right into the dock.

  “Please, Miss Lisa,” Brandon begged.

  Joe stepped in front of her and held out his hand. “Please, Miss Lisa?” He echoed little Brandon with an eagerness Lisa couldn’t ignore. This was something he really wanted. She found herself putting her hand in Joe’s, and before she knew it, she was standing on the dock in front of the bright red seaplane.

  “Come on, Lisa,” Jessica called from halfway up the steps where the pilot now assisted her. “If I can venture out on my own after all these years, surely you can step on this bird. You don’t want to disappoint your handsome husband, do you?”

  Lisa looked into Joe’s eager brown eyes then down at their hands clasped together. The dock bounced under her feet. The smell of saltwater tickled her nose. She did not want to leave this earth.

  Joe smiled then, a simple encouraging smile, and gestured toward the plane.

  Reluctant, dread making her feet feel like cement blocks, she took one tentative step all the while looking at Joe. His smile lit his eyes, and Lisa’s feet were a tiny bit lighter as she took yet another step. Keep your eyes on Joe. You can do it.

  The pounding of her heart hammered in her chest, and she could scarcely catch her breath. As much as she wanted to attribute it to her husband’s handsome face and the fact that he held his hand out to her, she couldn’t. It was fear. Plain, simple fear.

  “I—can’t,” she whispered thickly as she approached the plane.

  “Sure you can,” Jessica declared.

  “No, I can’t. You go without me.”

  Joe, bless him, didn’t say a word. But she did see the light in his eyes dim just a smidgen. He wanted this so badly. How could she disappoint him after all they’d been through? It was such a small thing to ask.

  She took one more step and was immediately in front of the plane.

  “We about ready?” the pilot grumbled.

  Lisa ignored his sarcastic manner as Joe helped her up the steps. She stopped in the doorway and glanced around. Three faces stared at her. Jessica, Brandon, and Chad. Sardines in a tin can. She didn’t want to be one, too.

  Chad and Jessica sat in the seats directly behind the pilot, each by a window with an empty seat between them.

  Directly behind his father, with two empty seats next to him, sat Brandon. He patted the seat beside him. “C’mon, Miss Lisa. Sit here. Unless you wanna sit by a window, too.”

  Lisa couldn’t suppress a shudder. When her feet finally obeyed, she had to bend her head forward and climb past Jessica to get to her own seat. The plane smelled musty, and she fought the urge to gag.

  “I’ll sit in the middle,” she muttered and somehow managed to shuffle toward her seat. She was relieved when Joe took his seat next to her. He offered his hand to her again, and she grabbed onto it without hesitation. His grip was warm and firm, and Lisa wanted to melt into him. He must have sensed it because he let go of her hand before she could react and wrapped his arm across her shoulder. He pulled her tight then reached over with his other arm and clasped her hand once again. Relief coursed through her. There was no way she could do this by herself. But with Joe next to her, she was safe and loved and could overcome anything.

  “You OK?” His breath, warm against her ear, skittered down her neck.

  With him holding her, she was more than OK. She could do this. For him. Trying to hide her hesitation, she nodded.

  Brandon patted her hand as if he was trying to be a grownup and offer her some comfort. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  Not wanting to let him down, Lisa tried to smile.

  All of a sudden, the engines shut off and a deafening silence rang through the small plane. Lisa took a deep breath and let it out. They weren’t going.

  Oh, thank You, Lord.

  She started to stand.

  “You folks sit tight. Ralph, over there, is having some engine trouble. I’m gonna help him out, and then we’ll be on our way. Sorry for the delay, but around here we try to help each other out as much as possible.”

  “As it should be,” Jessica piped up.

  The pilot grinned at Jessica before he dipped his head and climbed out of the plane. A red stain spread up her neck. Her face was probably as red, but Lisa couldn’t tell for sure. For some reason, Jessica wouldn’t turn around.

  “How long do you think it’ll take, Dad? I’m bored.”

  “Hey, Brandon.” Joe leaned across Lisa for a moment. “How about I tell you a story?”

  “That’d be great!”

  Brandon listened intently while Joe told him a story about a boy who lived in a mining camp with his little donkey during the California gold rush. The tale was one Lisa recognized. Joe used to tell it to Cody. While part of her wanted to cry, the other part was content to lean her head against Joe’s chest and listen to the rumble of his voice as he told the story.

  When he got to the end, Brandon tapped his dad on the shoulder.

  “Hey, Dad. I liked that story. Do you think we can buy that book when we get home?”

  “Sure, Brandon.” Chad turned to Joe “What’s the name of the book?”

  “Well…” Joe shifted uncomfortably and looked over Brandon’s head and out the window. “It doesn’t really have a name. It’s…I made it up.”

  Lisa sat straight up in her seat and stared at Joe. “Joseph Kendall, are you kidding me?”

  He pressed his lips together and shook his head.

  “You made up that story?”

  He nodded.

  “What about the other stories you used to tell Cody, with the same little boy and his donkey?”

  Again he nodded, but a small smile began to lift the corners of his mouth.

  “And why is it I’m just now hearing about this?”

  Looking suddenly shy, Joe shrugged.

  Lisa shook her head. “I had no idea. Did Cody know you made these stories up?”

  Sadness washed over his features as he nodded. Lisa squeezed his hand, wishing there was something she could do to take away his pain.

  “You should make them into a book so my dad can buy them for me.” Brandon bounced on his seat then tapped his dad on the shoulder again. “Right, Dad? You’ll buy it for me, won’t you?”

  Though he didn’t turn around, Chad nodded his head.

  Jessica turned to look at Joe. “You really should write them down.”

  “OK.” The pilot settled back into his seat, having somehow boarded the plane with no one noticing. “You folks ready to take off?” Without waiting for an answer, he started the engine. “Buckle up,” he shouted over the roar.

  Fear invaded Lisa’s nerves again, and her stomach took a dangerous dip. Joe pulled her close once more, and the edges of her fear seeped away. She looked up to see Jessica watching them, a trace of a smile on her face. Almost like…satisfaction. Like she was rooting for them.

  Jessica had promised
to pray for her, and Lisa couldn’t help but smile at the thought. With her prayers and Jessica’s prayers, Joe didn’t stand a chance.

  The small plane began to pull away from the dock. As they slowly glided over the water, picking up speed before lifting into the air, Joe must have sensed her panic because he laced his fingers through hers and kissed the top of her head. Then he pulled her closer, and she buried her face in his chest, embarrassed to realize tears leaked from her eyes and ran down her face.

  “It’ll be OK,” Joe whispered as he continued to hold her tight. After what seemed like hours, the edges of fear slowly seeped away again. This time, she prayed it wouldn’t return.

  Finally, she lifted her head and looked up at Joe. “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “Are you OK?”

  Grateful he cared, she tried to smile. Her facial muscles were frozen, so she feared it came out more as a grimace. “If anything happens, we’re over the water, and these big rudders should break our fall. If the truth is anything different, I don’t want to know about it.”

  Joe laughed and it zinged its way to the center of her heart. What an awesome sound. Lord, please let this keep happening until it becomes natural again. Her prayer was answered several times during the plane ride as Brandon kept them entertained. Though she never totally relaxed, Lisa’s hope was once again in full bloom. Sitting here with Joe, privileged to see stunningly breathtaking views, the only thing that kept it from perfection was Cody’s absence.

  Lisa’s eyes misted over when she saw some brown bears on a mountainside, but as the plane nosed down to return to the dock, they threatened to become full-blown tears.

  They hadn’t seen any whales. No sign of them anywhere.

  “I can’t believe this.” Lisa willed herself not to cry. “Every single person I’ve ever known who has taken an Alaskan cruise has seen the orcas. Why can’t we?”

  “I’m sorry, Lisa.”

  “Don’t be.” Lisa blinked back more tears and tried to smile, but the lump that filled her throat made it impossible. “It’s just the way it is. I’m sure there’s a reason, but I don’t know what it could be.”

  Joe helped her down the steps of the little plane and held her close as they made their way down the dock and toward the center of Juneau. Brandon and Chad were ahead of them, and Jessica was still talking to the pilot.

  “Don’t worry, Lisa.” He squeezed her hand. “We’ll see them before we go home. I’m sure of it.”

  We. Home.

  Had she heard him right? Yes, Joe really said we, but did he mean it the way she took it?

  Dare she even hope?

  Lisa looked up and Joe smiled.

  Yes, she dared.

  17

  “It was a wonderful day.” Lisa leaned against the wall in the elevator and sighed with exhaustion. Though she was tired, it was the good type of tired, like being at the beach or an amusement park all day. The hope she’d tried to suppress earlier was bigger than the lump choking her throat.

  They’d been together. They didn’t see the whales. She’d been scared to death of the plane, but she learned something new about Joe, and he’d mentioned home. It was hard not to hope when Joe said we and home in the same breath and by the time they’d arrived back at the ship after touring the cute little fishing town, her hope grew ever more intense. Had he meant the home they used to share together? Or the office he slept in? She wanted to ask, but, of course, she didn’t.

  “You enjoyed yourself even though you were up in the air in a bucket of bolts?” Joe threw her a smile and pressed the button for the Denali Deck. Her heart warmed at the sight. She smiled back, infused with a happy glow.

  “The view from that sardine can was nothing next to learning about your children’s stories. I never knew.” A hint of a blush crept into his cheeks. She wouldn’t let his embarrassment stop her from giving him encouragement. “You should put them down on paper and send them to a publisher.”

  “I don’t know, Lisa. Not having Cody to tell them to takes the joy out of it. I made them up for him.”

  “But you told the story to Brandon without any hesitation. Maybe over time, that joy will come back to you.” A look crossed his face that told her now wasn’t a good time to continue this conversation. “I’ve been dying to ask what you said to Chad.”

  Joe shrugged. “I just talked to him about the other night at dinner. I told him that while it was really none of my business what he did with his son, I let him know how difficult it had been to listen to him talk to Brandon the way he did while you and I are grieving for Cody.” He looked at her, his eyes bright with what Lisa suspected were unshed tears.

  “Brandon’s a bright, charming kid. I suggested that Chad cherish every moment he has with his son—nothing he didn’t already know. He’s still grieving his wife’s death. I just thought a reminder might be worthwhile.” Joe looked away and Lisa sensed he was losing the battle with the tears. Her suspicion was confirmed when she heard a muffled sniffle, so she didn’t press him for any more details.

  When they stepped out of the elevator and headed toward their room, she caught sight of the solarium. Right now, it offered a unique view of Juneau in the evening. She soaked it in, determined never to forget the day they’d spent together.

  Joe stood beside her as she took in the sight. “Cody would have loved this.”

  He’d mentioned their son in such an easy manner.

  “I’m not so sure,” Lisa said slowly. “He would have been sad about not seeing the whales.”

  Beside her, Joe took a deep breath then slowly let it out. “You’re probably right.” He reached out and clasped her hand. “Are you feeling better about not seeing them?”

  She looked down at their joined hands. “I’m doing better.” Even as she spoke, she tried to mean it.

  “Like I said, we’ll see them before we go home.”

  There they were again. Those two little words, packed with so much meaning. Some cynical part of her brain tried to tell her she was grasping at straws, but she didn’t believe it. God was smiling on them. He had to be.

  “And another thing.” Joe interrupted her thoughts before she could think any more about it. “Cody would have loved exploring the ship like Brandon has.”

  “I’m sure they would have been fast friends.”

  “Cody always did make friends easily.”

  Lisa nodded and forced the tears to stay put. She stayed quiet as she followed Joe down the hall to their room. Once inside, she walked to the closet.

  “I have something to show you,” she called over her shoulder. She dug in her suitcase, searching for the wind chimes she’d bought in the gift store. When she finally found it, she unwrapped them to show Joe. “I bought them the other day. Right before I missed seeing the whales. They remind me of Cody.”

  “They’re nice, Lisa.” Joe rose from the lumpy green chair and took them from her. Then he went over to the bunk beds and hung them on the bedframe near her pillow so she’d see them before she went to sleep and again when she woke up.

  “Thank you, Joe.” She was pleased that he understood how important they were to her. She stretched out on Joe’s bunk instead of settling in one of the lumpy chairs as he’d done. She hoped he didn’t mind, but she didn’t have the energy to climb up the ladder right now.

  “I’m sorry.” Joe startled her when he broke the long silence. “I shouldn’t have mentioned him.”

  “Yes. You should. We need to talk about him. It’s part of how we heal.”

  “I don’t deserve to heal.”

  Lisa sucked in a breath. Joe blamed himself for not being there, even though she’d never heard him come right out and say it. Did he think the accident wouldn’t have happened if he’d been there? She’d always had the feeling that’s what he believed. She recognized the blame in his eyes—because the very same blame reflected in her heart.

  She rolled over on her side and stared at her husband. “Yes, you do deserve to heal, Joe. You didn�
�t do anything wrong.”

  “Yes, I did. I wasn’t there. I was never there.”

  “You didn’t cause the accident.” She swallowed hard and sat up, unable to let him suffer any longer. This matter needed to be cleared up right now. Far too much time had passed without this conversation. Lisa only hoped Joe wouldn’t hate her afterward.

  “I caused it.” Lisa’s hands trembled as she watched for Joe’s reaction. “It’s my fault. So stop torturing yourself.” Her voice rose to a pitch that made her cringe. Scared as she was of his reaction, she couldn’t let him blame himself any longer.

  “I killed our son.” Her words hung in the air. She wished she could call them back, wished she could change the look of shock and hurt on Joe’s face.

  “No, Lisa.” He rose from his chair and came to kneel in front of her.

  “I put off telling you, because I didn’t want you to hate me. Then you stopped coming home, and the opportunity was lost. But now I see exactly how you’ve punished yourself, and I can’t let it continue. Joe, it wasn’t your fault. Hate me instead.”

  “I could never hate you.” His tone was so gentle that hot tears swelled over, burning her eyes as they fell. “Is that why you’ve lost so much weight? Did you stop eating right because you blame yourself?”

  Swiping at the tears, Lisa bit back her denial. They’d discussed this before, and she’d managed to skirt the issue. She didn’t want to rehash it now, but maybe she had no choice.

  There were things that only she and God knew. Part of it did have to do with her not eating right, and maybe now was the time to tell Joe. But first, she needed to make Joe see that the blame lay at her feet. Not his, and not Rose’s husband.

  “I know I should have told you this at the beginning. But I was so—devastated. At first, I didn’t realize you were blaming yourself. If I did, I would have told you right away. I never wanted you to suffer.” Her voice broke, and Joe reached out and stroked her arm.

  Lisa should have taken comfort from the warmth of his contact, but she couldn’t. There was too much to tell him, and when she finished he really would hate her. Abruptly, she pulled away from Joe’s touch and, lying down, she rolled over to face the wall. She couldn’t look at him while she did this. It was hard enough to say without seeing recrimination in his eyes.