True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  OK, that shouldn’t necessarily give her pause. She willed her nerves to be still. Joe was a divorce lawyer, after all. It was probably from a client. She searched for the sender’s name, and her heart sank. It was from Mike Lee.

  She tried to tell herself that it didn’t mean anything, but all she had to do was scan the contents of the inbox to see the subject lines that pertained to his work.

  Re: Case #60582 or FWD: JD vs. KD.

  Since Joe handled many divorces, he would never send out an e-mail simply titled The Divorce.

  Lisa’s hand trembled as she moved her finger over the touchpad but nothing compared to the trembling that started in her knees and rumbled up to her throat.

  Should she open it? What if it was about her and Joe? Did she really want to know?

  She rubbed her finger over the touchpad and a tiny white arrow jerked across the computer screen before landing on its intended spot.

  Re: The divorce.

  Eyes squeezed shut, Lisa clicked to open the e-mail. She didn’t want to see the contents, did she? Of course not. But at the same time, she couldn’t not look.

  Finally, daring to peek, Lisa looked at the body of the e-mail.

  OK, Joe. It’s a go.

  That was it? That’s all the e-mail said? There was nothing about her and Joe. Lisa breathed a sigh of relief and started to close the e-mail, but down at the bottom of the screen, she noticed there was more. The beginning section of the e-mail Mike replied to. The one from Joe. Lisa scrolled down, unable to keep from reading it.

  Mike:

  I know we’ve talked about it before, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

  I’ve decided to go ahead with the divorce.

  Please file the papers as soon as possible. See you in two weeks.

  Joe

  No. No. No. No. No. No!

  Lisa buried her face in her hands, feeling sick. Everything she’d worked for, hoped for, and prayed for. Done. Over with. Just like that.

  Why, God? Why?

  Joe was done with her. The last couple of days had been a lie.

  We’re supposed to find the joy in our sorrows, the blessings in the storm.

  The words she’d spoken to Joe came back to haunt her. She was supposed to look for blessings and joy. Where was she supposed to find them now?

  Practice what you preach, Lisa, she told herself. Live what you believe, even if you don’t feel it, even if you feel like dying inside.

  The door burst open and Joe came in, a wide smile on his face. “That kid is something else. You should have seen all the fish he caught. They’ve headed back to the ship. Are you ready to g—” The smile faded from his lips.

  Lisa couldn’t speak. How could it all have been a lie? Unable to face him now, she got up and walked into the kitchen.

  ****

  A sick sort of dread settled in Joe’s stomach. Lisa hadn’t even looked at him.

  He crossed the room to follow her into the kitchen, but as he neared the table where the screen of his laptop glowed, he pulled up short. An e-mail, the e-mail, seemed to glare out at him like a beacon.

  No! God, why did You let her see that?

  His heart leaped when Lisa came back into the room. He had to explain.

  “Lisa, I—”

  She glared at him. “Time to get back to the ship, Joe.” She walked out the door without another word.

  Helpless despair washed over him as they returned to the ship. Once in their cabin, Lisa tossed her bag aside then climbed up the narrow ladder to the top bunk. Joe ducked as one shoe followed the other to the floor before she turned to face the wall.

  Hoping and praying she would turn and talk to him, Joe sat in the chair beside the bunk. But she remained silent—almost despondent—avoiding eye contact with him.

  “Lisa, please.” Did his voice sound as awkward to Lisa as it did to his own ears? “I’m sorry.”

  Lisa turned and speared him with a withering look.

  “Really, if I could just explain?”

  Lisa pressed her lips together and rolled back to face the wall.

  “I didn’t want a divorce, Lisa. I never did. I just didn’t know what else to do. When Mike suggested it, the idea made sense. I thought you’d be better off without me. Things are different now, though. Please, let’s talk about it.”

  But Joe’s plea fell on deaf ears as Lisa continued to ignore him.

  Determined to wait her out, he pulled a blanket from the bed and tried to get comfortable in the chair. Just as he was about to fall asleep, Lisa whispered, “The answer’s no, by the way.”

  “No? What?” He straightened in confusion, feeling as if the hard back of the chair had permanently dented his back.

  “The divorce.” Her voice seemed to falter over the words. “I won’t sign the papers.”

  “Lisa, there are no papers. There never were.”

  Joe waited for answer, for her to say more, so they could talk it out. But she remained silent after that. And as the room grew dark he sat pondering her declaration that she wouldn’t sign the non-existent papers, wondering what the future might hold for them.

  By morning, Joe was no closer to finding answers, though every muscle in his body ached from sleeping in the hard chair.

  At breakfast, Lisa was silent. Too silent.

  He wanted to talk to her—to make her understand—but he was certain she still wouldn’t listen.

  He would try, though.

  Please, Lord, help her to hear what’s in my heart.

  20

  We’re supposed to find the joy in our sorrows, the blessings in the storm.

  The words came back to haunt Lisa once again. She still hadn’t managed to come up with anything to feel joyful about or to find one single blessing.

  It was Cody’s birthday today, which made it all the more difficult to find anything to feel blessed about. Today was the day the entire trip was supposed to have centered around, the reason they bought the tickets in the first place.

  Her little boy. Cody. He was supposed to be here with her, with Joe, the three of them together. Lisa wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand then put her fist to her mouth in an effort to suppress her sobs.

  They were on a charter boat with about thirty other people, headed away from the cruise ship and toward Glacier Bay. Joe had planned the day for her prior to her finding his e-mail. He’d invited Jessica, Brandon, and Chad, and Lisa couldn’t bring herself to disappoint Brandon by not showing up.

  Luckily, the boat was large enough that no one could hear her cries and she could be alone with her thoughts.

  She sat alone in an alcove off the main cabin where, she supposed, she could lick her wounds over Joe’s plans for a divorce. She’d meant it when she said she wouldn’t sign the papers, but she still wasn’t sure what the future held for them if Joe truly didn’t want to remain married to her.

  Occasionally, she could hear Brandon firing questions at different people. Each time he did, Lisa tensed, waiting for Chad to scold him for bothering them. But he surprised her, often chiming in with questions of his own. Joe’s talk with Chad really seemed to have had an impact on him.

  There. A blessing stared her right in the face.

  The thought brought her up short.

  Brandon and Chad’s relationship.

  Restored.

  All thanks to Joe.

  Another thought occurred to her: When Joe had seen Cody’s sweatshirt, he said he’d been able to picture Cody’s face. Something he hadn’t been able to do for a long time.

  Another blessing.

  Also, Joe was praying again. He’d bowed his head at dinner the other night. And he’d prayed other times, like when he couldn’t find her after she’d missed seeing the whales.

  Filled with silent amazement, Lisa stood and walked through the cabin and out to the back deck where she sat down on a bench that faced the water. She stared out at the boat’s wake, at the smaller boats that seemed to disappear behind them. Then she l
ooked at the snow-capped mountain peaks that towered above the trees.

  A bittersweet mixture of joy and sorrow washed over her.

  Joe was making his way back to the Lord.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered as the shameful truth washed over her. It wasn’t about her and Joe after all. It was about Joe and his relationship with the Lord.

  Even if he never came back to her, his heart and soul were right back where they belonged.

  The revelation filled her with a sense of peace so strong, tears of joy sprang to her eyes.

  Are You here, Lord? Is that You I feel beside me?

  Until the other night, she’d gone so long without truly feeling God’s presence. And like the other night, He was here. He’d never left her. She just needed to clear her head of the selfish thoughts and focus on someone besides herself.

  Lisa was amazed at the blessed peace, even stronger than before, as it flowed through her.

  For a long time, she sat there and prayed. She prayed prayers of forgiveness, prayers of thanksgiving. But mostly she just rested in Him, knowing He was with her and would see her through every trial she faced. She just needed to keep her eyes firmly fixed on Him.

  This was something she had to share with Joe. She rose and turned toward the cabin. Before she could take a step, Joe stepped onto the deck.

  The sight of him took her breath away. The easy gentle smile, the hope that lit his eyes. These were all things she never thought she’d see again.

  “Joe, I need to apologize to you.” Lisa swallowed hard.

  “Apologize?”

  She nodded. Please, Lord, give me the right words.

  “I’ve been thinking only of myself, of getting you to come home. I wasn’t considering you at all.”

  “Of course you were.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I knew you were hurting over Cody, of course. And I prayed God would ease your pain as well as mine. And I knew you needed to find peace, just like I did. All this was about more than you coming home to me. It was about your returning home to the Lord.”

  “My relationship with the Lord is getting better.”

  “No thanks to me. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that’s what was important. And I forgot about my own relationship with Him. I spouted it, of course, but I didn’t feel it. I’ve been thinking about how wrong I was. How I hurt you rather than helped you.”

  “You didn’t hurt me, Lisa.”

  “Yes, I did. I’m so sorry. When I accused you of taking your eyes off God, I was really the one who had. I became so focused on getting you to come home to me that I took my eyes off Him and forgot about something I knew in those awful days after Cody first died. You needed to find your way back to God. That’s the only way your life will ever be right again. My eyes are back where they belong. They’re firmly on the Lord, just like yours are. I can see it. And if you don’t come home, at least—”

  “Before I do, there’s something you should know.”

  She stared at him for a full minute before she comprehended his words.

  “Before you do what?”

  “Come home.”

  “Joe?” Dare she hope?

  “I never wanted a divorce. I only thought it would be best for you if I was out of your life. I e-mailed Mike the morning we went to Juneau, and told him I’d changed my mind.”

  “You did?” She stared at him, unsure what to say.

  He nodded. “The message you opened from Mike was an old one, replying to one from the old me. You probably didn’t notice the dates. I really don’t like stacked e-mail. It can be so confusing. But if you looked in the sent folder, you would have seen the one I sent asking Mike to stop the proceedings.”

  The hope rising in Lisa’s heart terrified her. She couldn’t take another letdown where Joe was concerned. Still, she whispered, “What changed your mind?”

  “Praying. The more time I spent with Him, the more I changed. But it all started with you. That day you yelled at me…I thought about the things you said to me about taking my eyes off God. About finding the joy in the sorrows. They’re all hard things to do. You were doing it alone. I was doing it alone. No wonder we took our eyes off of Him. We were so caught up in blaming ourselves, and we forgot to praise Him for being there to carry us through.”

  Lisa’s heart hurt as she recognized the truth in Joe’s words. “That’s when we lost our focus. At least, I know I did.”

  “Me, too,” Joe admitted.

  “You said you had something to tell me. What is it?”

  “I quit my job.”

  Lisa blinked, not sure she heard him right. “You what?”

  “Quit my job.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m a burned-out lawyer who never did enjoy handling divorce cases. I don’t really think that’s God’s plan for me. What more can I say?”

  Before Lisa could react, Joe was on one knee with one of her hands tucked between both of his. “How would you like to be a farmer’s wife?”

  “A farmer’s wife? What are you talking about?”

  “Jessica’s tulip farm. I told her I’d come stay at the farm; take care of it for her while she travels. I said I’d learn the business and then if I like it, I would buy it from her. But I also said I wouldn’t do it unless the conditions were right.”

  “What conditions are those?”

  “That you go with me.”

  “You want me to move? Away from the home we had with our son?” Panic filled her in a sudden grab.

  “He’s not there, Lisa. He’s in heaven with God. He’s in our hearts and memories where he’ll be forever. But if it makes you feel better, we can try to find a way to keep the house.”

  Lisa swallowed hard and tried to blink back tears. Unsuccessful, they spilled down her cheeks in a hot trail. She slapped at them, angry with herself for crying in front of Joe. “Sorry,” she whispered.

  “Ah, Lisa, don’t be. Your tears were my problem, never yours. They reminded me of the guilt I felt. Of all the ways I let you and Cody down.”

  “You didn’t. He thought you were the best dad in the world.”

  “He did?”

  Lisa nodded. “That day, on the way to the game, he told me not to be mad at you. He said you had to work hard so you could pay for the trip to Alaska to see the orcas. He said you were the best dad in the world.”

  Joe swiped at his eyes.

  “Thank you. Thank you for telling me that.”

  She smiled, glad she could give Joe some modicum of peace where their son was concerned.

  “You don’t have to make a decision about moving today. Take some time and think about it. But I’d really like you to come with me. Just think about what it will be like in the spring.”

  They’d been to Skagit Valley when the tulips were in full bloom. It was like nothing she’d ever seen. Fields and fields of color, everywhere she looked. If she closed her eyes, she could picture her and Joe standing in one of those fields with their arms around each other. They would be laughing, soaking in the beauty of it all, their love for each other surrounding them.

  “I’ll go with you to Jessica’s tulip farm on one condition.”

  He merely smiled at her and raised one brow quizzically.

  “We learn the tulip business together. And in the evenings, you have to promise to let me help you get all of your children’s stories ready to send to a publisher.”

  Joe answered her with a kiss that buckled her knees.

  “Miss Lisa! Miss Lisa!”

  Joe groaned as she pulled away. “It’s OK, Joe. There’s plenty of time for making up.” She turned to Brandon, who danced around her and Joe in delight. “What is it, sweetheart?”

  “The whales! They’re here! Hurry! The captain said the best view is from the bow. He said they’ll come really close to us. Come on. Hurry!” Brandon tugged at her hand, and she let him pull her along. But she kept her other hand firmly on Joe’s. He had to come, too.

  Together they followe
d Brandon through the cabin where he prepared to climb a small ladder that led out to the bow.

  “Don’t forget your life-jacket, Brandon,” Chad called out to his son.

  Without an argument, Brandon stopped and pulled on an orange vest off a rack near the ladder. He waited until Lisa and Joe followed suit, and then tugged them toward the ladder. After they were out on the bow, he pointed at the ship’s rail.

  “There,” he said proudly. “The captain said we could sit right there and watch them. Cuz it’s Cody’s birthday and we’re special.”

  Joe leaned down and whispered in Lisa’s ear. “He told the captain about Cody and the day you missed the whales.”

  “You were right yesterday when you said he’s something else.”

  “So are you.” Joe pressed a kiss on her neck, just below her ear. “I love you, Lisa.”

  “Come on you guys.” Brandon motioned them over to the wooden railing. “Hurry before some other people come here.” Jessica and Chad both made their way to either side of Brandon, which was good because Lisa would have worried about him being so close to the edge in spite of wearing a life jacket.

  The rush of air from the water below was cold as they stepped closer to the rail, but Lisa didn’t care. She was going to see the whales that her son loved so much.

  For Cody.

  She caught her first eyeful of shiny black smoothness as the orca leapt out of the water then dove back in with only the slightest splash.

  When it popped back up, there were two of them. And as they danced across the water it seemed as if they watched the five of them and performed for them alone. Then they leaped in the air and the show began all over again.

  Brandon’s shouts and giggles faded away into the background as Lisa’s breath caught and her eyes filled with tears of joy. Each time the whales leaped into the air or dove into the water, her heart danced and dove with them. Beside her, Joe grabbed her hand and squeezed tight.

  “He’s here with us, Lisa. Our little boy is here.” He smiled through his tears, and Lisa’s heart soared to impossible new heights.

  “I know.” Her own tears flowed and her throat tightened as she whispered, “Happy Birthday, Cody.”