Dirty Like Jude: A Dirty Rockstar Romance (Dirty, Book 5)

by Jaine Diamond

  The deep, primal, animal attraction. Me to her. Her to me.

  Had I ever wanted a woman, any woman, like I wanted her?

  No.

  Fucking sadly… No.

  I fucked her until we were both soaked in sweat. Then I flipped her back over so I could see her face while I fucked her. So I could see her face when I came.

  She came again when I did, her green eyes locked on mine.

  Afterwards, as I got dressed, she sat on the edge of the bed in her robe. “What is this?” She didn’t even sound hopeful or expectant or anything other than sad.

  “Closure,” I said. I pulled on my leather jacket and stared at her. I was still breathing hard. The condom had barely hit the wastebasket under her desk and I had my clothes back on. I waited for her eyes to meet mine.

  They did, and she nodded, just barely. “Okay.”

  I left her there, and I didn’t look back.

  As I rode home that day, I knew I wouldn’t see her again. I knew the next time I saw her at a party, I’d have to walk the other way. I’d have to lose her number, which was still in my fucking phone.

  I could not let myself stay hung the fuck up on Roni Webber for the rest of my life.

  Because every time I looked at her, I’d just see all that shit I didn’t want to see.

  It wasn’t that she’d betrayed me.

  I’d betrayed myself.

  I’d broken a promise I’d made to myself, so many years ago, when I knew shit-all about women. When I was thirteen and started getting hard-ons for the girls at my dad’s club, and I saw how they bounced from lap to lap.

  When I saw how they bounced into my brother’s lap.

  All I knew was I was never giving my heart to one of those girls. To any girl who was with one of my brothers first.

  And Roni Webber had now been with fucking three.

  Piper.

  Ben.

  Zane.

  That I knew of…

  And I was all fucked up over it.

  I was pissed that she’d slept with Zane. I was jealous that she’d dated Ben.

  I was still sore that she’d fucked Piper.

  I truly fucking wished she hadn’t… because I truly fucking wished things could’ve been different between us.

  They couldn’t.

  I knew my reasons for pushing her away were bullshit, in a way.

  But they were also a matter of motherfucking pride.

  It was the way I was brought up, in my dad’s club. I wouldn’t even dare go to him with this, ask his advice. If I told him I was all fucked up over a girl Piper had fucked-and-dumped years ago, a girl my brother had already deemed a slut, he’d smack me upside the head.

  It was the way things were.

  When I was a boy, I was picked on for being too scrawny. Too quiet. Too brown.

  So I got big.

  I got a loud bike. I hung with a loud-as-fuck band, and loud-as-fuck friends.

  I fucked women who wanted me, and I did not take my brother’s sloppy seconds.

  Any woman I was ever even gonna consider getting serious about was gonna be mine and no one else’s.

  And Roni Webber had gone ahead and disqualified herself, three times over.

  2:06 am.

  I was still sitting in the dark, on my back porch. I’d run out of weed a while ago and it was cold as shit out. And still, I sat.

  Because six years had gone by since that morning in Roni’s apartment, and here the fuck we were.

  Time had passed.

  Life was lived.

  Women came and went.

  And I’d grown the fuck up. I’d like to think so, anyway.

  I didn’t necessarily buy into the club’s views of women or the rules surrounding the treatment of them anymore.

  I definitely didn’t give a fuck what my brother thought of Roni anymore. At least, I sure as fuck didn’t care about his approval.

  But was I still jealous?

  Was I still sore?

  More important: was I really gonna let what happened in the past ruin whatever this was between us?

  Because of all the things that had changed in all these years, my feelings for her never had.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Roni

  It was the eve of Christmas Eve, and Jude and I weren’t together.

  I was at a Dirty party at Zane’s house in West Vancouver with Jessa and baby Nick.

  Jude was who-knew-where.

  We still weren’t talking, which was probably more my fault than his. I hadn’t seen him since the documentary screening at Jessa’s a couple of nights ago, where we hadn’t even spoken. He’d left early, but he’d texted me later that night. Like around 2:00 am late.

  Been thinking we should talk.

  I didn’t reply.

  Really, what did we have to talk about at two in the morning?

  I was done with our text-and-meet-up-for-sex relationship. I really didn’t want to be Jude Grayson’s convenience fuck.

  I wanted to be his everything.

  Was that so fucking wrong?

  As Jessa and I made our way through Zane’s house, which was dark and mostly empty of people, to the covered, heated patio out back where everyone had converged around the bar, the pool and the various seating areas, I looked for Jude. But he definitely wasn’t here.

  We found Zane by the bar, and even though Jessa had told me No presents, I handed him the bottle of my famous home brew: blackberry vodka, which I bottled every summer during blackberry season and was just ready in time for the holidays.

  I knew Zane didn’t drink, but I never hit a holiday party without a bottle of my home brew in-hand. People asked me about it year-round; it was that good.

  “For your guests,” I told him.

  “Thanks, Roni,” he said, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then his ice-blue eyes drifted down my curves. “And, whoa. Hot dress.”

  It was a hot dress. It was one of Jessa’s; one of the ones I liked to call her supermodel dresses, the ones that hung in the back of her closet but she rarely actually wore, and since she couldn’t fit into them right now anyway, had offered me my pick of for the holidays. It was short and black with a subtle sparkle and fit me like a sexy glove. Cleavage, leg… this dress had it all.

  “Don’t flirt with her.”

  Zane’s pierced eyebrow rose as Jessa hooked her arm through mine, yanking me away.

  “Okay… What was that about?”

  “Nothing,” she said. “I’m just pissed at him right now.”

  “Why?”

  “I really can’t tell you. Let’s just say… the way Zane Traynor treats women is fucking asinine.”

  “Um, we’ve known that forever.”

  “True,” she said. “And why did you sleep with him again?”

  I gave an exasperated sigh. “Because I was twenty-one and he was super hot.” And I was super fucking pissed at Jude for making out with some chick right in front of me. But I kept that part to myself.

  We found Brody by the pool; he’d come early, so Bishop had driven us. When he saw Jessa and his son, he lit up like a Christmas tree and pulled them into his arms. I waited while they snuggled and kissed and cooed over their baby together. Then Brody seemed to notice me and cleared his throat.

  “Hey, Roni.”

  “Hey, Brody. Merry Christmas.”

  “Everything’s set for the New Year’s Eve show, yeah?”

  “Seems that way.”

  He knew it was. I was pretty sure he was semi-shocked that I’d pulled the whole thing off. I could’ve given him a laundry list of all the details I’d taken care of since we last spoke if he really wanted one, but I’d learned years ago that talking about business at a Dirty party wasn’t really done. Which meant that any second now, someone would cut us off by handing us drinks and changing the subject.

  Sure enough, before I could offer another word, Jesse appeared with champagne for me and a sparkling juice for his sister.

  I
thanked him for the bubbly, gave him a distracted kiss on the cheek—he probably knew where Jude was, and if he was coming, right?—and slipped away to do the rounds a bit. Wished people happy holidays and all that.

  Pretty much most of the usual crew were here. It was a great group of people, really, one I’d enjoyed becoming more and more a part of this last year, since Jessa came back home.

  It made me sad, actually, to think that if all the shit between Jude and me just didn’t work out, I might not really see these people again. If things weren’t good between us, I didn’t think I could handle coming to these parties or even going to a Dirty show and risking running into him… or not running into him.

  At the far end of the patio, Amber had a photo booth all set up, and Shady, Zane’s bodyguard and a King I’d known for years, was dressed up like Santa. I was watching Amber take photos of people sitting on his lap when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

  “Dylan Cope! Santa’s knee, now.”

  Next thing I knew, Ash brushed past me. He and Dylan converged on Santa, each of them taking a knee. Dylan in red leather pants and the fugliest Christmas sweater of all time, in which he somehow still looked hot (the fashion at this thing went from “red carpet” to “holiday trash”), and Ash wearing nothing at all Christmasy other than a black T-shirt that said in big white letters I Saw Mama Screwing Santa Claus.

  Amber took a few photos, her lights flashing.

  Katie, who was helping Amber out, took a Polaroid, and I peeked over her shoulder. In the photo, Dylan was feeding beer to Santa; Ash had his eyes half-closed and a joint hanging out of his mouth. Katie handed it off to Amber. “There’s one for your Christmas album.”

  Amber sort of half-smiled and clipped the Polaroid to one of her light stands, where a bunch of others had been hung.

  Ash then plucked it off, kissed Amber on the cheek, stuck the Polaroid in his teeth, and disappeared.

  Katie and Amber exchanged a look.

  Not my business.

  “Be right back,” I told Katie.

  I collected Jessa and once it was our turn, we each took one of Santa’s knees, Jessa with baby Nick strapped to her front in his baby carrier. Both of us kissed Shady on the cheek and Amber took a few photos. Katie handed a Polaroid over to each of us.

  Jessa and I watched as the images developed, and I got all warm and fuzzy about it when I saw Jessa and her baby and me all snuggled up together on Santa’s lap.

  “I love you,” I told her, overcome with emotion. “I’m so glad you moved back. And I’m really glad you found your way back to Brody.”

  “Aw, sweetie.” Jessa put her arm around my shoulders. “I love you, too.” She was looking at me and I avoided her eyes as I stared at the Polaroid in my hand. “How’re you doing?”

  “Fantastic.”

  Clearly, she saw right through that. “Is this about Jude not being here?”

  I looked at her. “I don’t know. I mean, he’s not here with me, that’s for sure. I don’t even know if he’s coming.”

  “He wouldn’t miss it, Roni.”

  “But it’s not like he asked me to come with him. Or to spend Christmas with him. I know we agreed our whole thing was about sex. But it’s not. For me… it never was. And now we’re both coming to your Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow, and I don’t know… I know it’s something the guys do every year. Brody and Jude and Jesse and Zane… So I don’t even know if I should be going if Jude doesn’t even invite me—”

  “Okay, stop,” Jessa interjected, and the forcefulness of her tone halted my stupid little spiral. “Listen to me right now. I love Jude, but fuck him. I invited you. You’re coming.”

  Tears actually tingled in my eyes, and I pulled her close to cover it, giving her and Nick a hug. “Thank you.”

  “Merry Christmas. Go get drunk and have a good time, for both of us.”

  “What, are you leaving?”

  “I’m not staying long. Brody will stay for a bit, but Bishop will drive me home…” She trailed off, and I turned to look at whatever had snagged her attention.

  Jude was standing there, right behind me. Staring at me.

  “Hey, Jude,” Jessa said.

  His dark eyes flicked to her. “Bratface.” He cracked a smile. “I mean Jessa. You look pretty.”

  “Thank you. You look… handsome.”

  He did.

  He always did.

  My dark horse… Always showing up out of nowhere, to win the day—and totally fuck with my hormones and my heart. This time, in a thin, body-hugging black sweater and dark grey jeans.

  Damn.

  His gaze shifted back to me and drifted down my body. “That’s one hell of a sexy dress.”

  “Thank you.” I’d worn it because it was sexy, I felt beautiful in it… and I wanted Jude to like how I looked in it.

  But now that he was here, I didn’t even want him looking at me like that—like he wanted to fuck me.

  “You didn’t answer my text,” he said, when his eyes met mine again.

  “Um… I’m just gonna go find Bishop…” Jessa tried to slip away, but I caught her arm and held her at my side.

  “It’s okay. I’m going. I’ll send Bishop over to get you.”

  “Where’re you goin’?” Jude shifted himself into my path.

  I dropped Jessa’s arm to cross my arms under my chest. She didn’t leave, and I told him, “I don’t want to be your speed-dial pussy, Jude,” right there in front of her.

  Jude’s gaze flicked to Jessa, briefly, before meeting mine again, and it really, really rubbed me the wrong way. Like he cared more about her witnessing this, or about what she might think, than about what I was actually saying? What I felt?

  “That’s not what you are,” he said.

  “Yes, I am. I don’t want to be your fuck buddy anymore, okay?”

  I walked away, heading for the house. Or maybe the bar. Wherever.

  But then I stopped short.

  Some guy was standing right by the bar with Dylan and his bodyguard, Con, and he looked… familiar. Kind of spine-tingling familiar. Which was weird, because I was sure I’d never seen him before.

  It was his teeth.

  His mouth was the first thing I noticed about him. He was laughing as Con talked, and his teeth were showing. A row of perfect white porcelain veneers—with silver canines. He was cute, in a dangerous sort of way. And he was wearing a Kings cut over his ugly Rudolph-themed Christmas sweater.

  I remembered what Talia said about the guy she saw outside my place with the silver canines. I looked around, but I hadn’t seen her; I didn’t think she was here yet.

  “Roni…” Jude had come right up behind me.

  “Who is that?” I asked.

  “Who?”

  I pointed at the dude with the teeth. “That. The guy with the Kings shit and the silver teeth.”

  I felt Jude’s chest rise against me as he drew a breath. “That’s Lex.”

  “Who the fuck is Lex?”

  “He’s a King.”

  “I can see that. Who is he?” I turned to face him. “And why did Talia see him outside my place?”

  He didn’t answer. His dark eyes held mine, and I could see him thinking through whatever shit he was thinking—but not saying.

  I turned and walked away.

  Jude followed me. Right past Lex—and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jude give him a shove.

  “The fuck are you doin’ here?”

  I glanced back long enough to meet Lex’s eyes and see them go wide.

  “I didn’t know she’d be here…” I heard him say, before I disappeared into the house.

  I heard Jude follow.

  I strode right past Zane, Maggie and Elle, who were talking in the hallway, and I heard Jude thunder, “Why the fuck did you invite Lex?”

  “Huh?” Zane said, and I paused to look back and listen.

  “You don’t even like him,” Jude growled.

  “I invited him,” Maggie said, looki
ng from Jude to me. “What? It’s Christmas.”

  I spun on my heel and kept going. I’d made my way into the front foyer by the time Jude caught up. It was kinda dark and no one seemed to be in the house but us. I could feel him, practically on top of me.

  “Roni.” He grabbed at my elbow but I yanked it away, turning to face him.

  “You had that guy watching me? Why?”

  He sighed. “Because I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  “Okay? Why? Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

  He was silent.

  I waited.

  “I didn’t trust Taze.”

  I put my hands on my hips. “You mean you didn’t like him fucking me.”

  “That too.”

  I started to turn away but he stopped me, his hand gripping my arm. “I was worried about you.”

  “Why?”

  “I told you. He’s a bad dude, V.”

  I shook off his hand. “I broke up with him.”

  “I know.”

  I made an exasperated sound. “Is that Lex guy still watching me?”

  “No.” He ran his hand over his face, then sighed again. “There’s another guy.”

  My jaw dropped.

  “His name’s Bane.”

  “Jude! You can’t have guys following me around. It’s fucking creepy.”

  “It’s for your safety.”

  “I’m not with Taze anymore. I haven’t even talked to him since the night I sent him that text, when you told me to,” I jabbed him in the chest with my finger, “and we fucked.”

  “Good.”

  “So why do you still have someone watching me?”

  “It’s just for a while. Just a precaution. Until I know he’s not gonna try anything.”

  I frowned, taking a step back. “Try what? Taze wouldn’t hurt me.”

  He went silent again.

  I spun around, so fucking frustrated, I could’ve… “Where’s the bathroom in this place? You know, somewhere a girl can lock herself in and scream…?”

  “There was an incident,” Jude said.

  It wasn’t so much the words but his low, sober tone that made me turn back to him and listen.

  “Between Taze and me. I don’t want that blowing back on you. Until I’m sure that’s not gonna happen, I want a guy on you.”

  What?