Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls papaz-1

by Steve Hockensmith

Mr. Bennet had a dozen more questions he wished to ask, but he realized they all really came down to one thing.

  “Is there any hope for us?”

  It was a question that could be answered with a yes or a no, of course, and Mr. Bennet found it instructive—if not encouraging—that Capt. Cannon didn’t use either word.

  “The North is overrun. If you didn’t have friends in the War Office, even my one company of untrained London urchins would not have been sent to your aid. Lord Paget is moving a battalion over from Suffolk to reinforce the capital—to think anyone was worried about Napoleon at a time like this!—but I can’t say for certain where he is at the moment. Assuming he hasn’t met with disaster already, however, his column might be in or near Hertfordshire, and if we could get word to him somehow he might decide to send reinforcements.”

  “‘Might,’ ‘somehow,’ and ‘might’ again,” Mr. Bennet said. “It is little to pin our lives on.”

  Capt. Cannon shrugged. “Yet it is something.”

  Mr. Bennet nodded, then sucked in a long, deep breath.

  “You know that my code of honor demands your death,” he said.

  “Of course. And you know that, shamed though I might be to have betrayed the trust of a worthy man, a soldier does not face death without defending himself. My Limbs stand ready to act as my seconds.”

  “Of course.”

  Something began scratching at the planks over the nearest window.

  “And yet,” Mr. Bennet said, “this does not strike me as an opportune time for a duel.”

  “Nor I.”

  The scratching grew louder and was soon joined by the sound of clumsy pawing from another pair of hands.

  “I propose, then, a gentleman’s agreement,” Mr. Bennet said. “For now, we will continue to work together. If we are both alive in two days’ time, however, we may do our utmost to kill each other.”

  “Done. Right Limb, shake the man’s hand.”

  And so they shook.

  CHAPTER 34

  EVENTUALLY, ELIZABETH TIRED of chopping off limbs and wandered away from her post. Mary had relieved her an hour before, yet she’d lingered by the window with her anyway, shouting “Breach!” and hacking away every time a plank popped free. By the time a soldier rushed over to nail the board back in place, the pile of splotchy, tatter-fleshed arms under the sill would have grown taller by at least two.

  “Interesting. That one looks like it came from a blackamoor,” Mary said at one point. “Or do you think that’s just the way he was decaying?”

  “I’m done,” Elizabeth mumbled, and she simply walked off.

  Just getting out of the room and down the hall was a challenge, crowded as the lower floor was: Lord Lumpley had insisted that “the un-invited” stay downstairs while the upper floor remained reserved for him and his guests. (The ballroom had been abandoned straight off, for its long rows of broad, tall windows made it impossible to defend.)

  Yet the villagers cleared a path for Elizabeth as best they could, and those who weren’t huddled up weeping or asleep nodded tight-lipped encouragement. Some even thanked her. They’d seen what she and her sisters had done to help hold the dreadfuls back. No one looked at them as pariahs now. They were saviors.

  It was the same when Elizabeth went up to the second floor (to escape the constant pounding and the choking smell of fear and death downstairs, she told herself). The very people who’d snubbed her hours before were offering her grim smiles and the occasional “Well done” or “Good show.” They were currying her favor now, and it sickened her.

  Her father would understand her weariness and disgust, but he was in conference with Capt. Cannon and Lt. Tindall, planning an “action” for the next morning (assuming they lasted out the night). She knew where Jane was—just down the hall, posted outside Lord Lumpley’s bedchamber door. There was no use talking to her at such a time, however. Jane was too pure-hearted to appreciate bitterness.

  And then there was Master Hawksworth. Once, she would have thought that he, a proud warrior, would understand. But he’d hobbled off to stand guard in some far corner of the house, and Elizabeth found she lacked the will to seek him out. She had many questions for the Master—and little stomach for the likely answers. Easier to simply escape.

  She kept going up until there was no higher to climb.

  Mr. Smith noticed her first.

  “Buh ruhzzzzz!” he said. “Buh ruhzzzzz!”

  “And good evening to you.”

  Dr. Keckilpenny was half-dozing on the floor, his head against his trunk. At the sound of Elizabeth’s voice, though, he hopped up smiling, instantly alert.

  “Miss Bennet! I was hoping you would return to my little aerie sooner or later!” He started toward her but stopped after just one stride, his smile taking on a stiff, frozen quality. “As you can see, I’ve made quite a bit of progress with our subject.”

  “You have?”

  “Indeed!”

  “Buh ruhzzzzzz,” said Mr. Smith. “Buh ruhzzzzz!”

  “Did you hear that, Miss Bennet? ‘Buh ruhz’ instead of just ‘Buhruh.’ And all it took was another three hours of intensive re-Anglification. Why, at this rate, I’ll have him speaking complete sentences by . . . oh, the early twenty-first century, at the latest.”

  Mr. Smith was, as usual, pulling against his chains, his arms back, as he writhed and kicked and snapped his teeth at Elizabeth.

  “Do you really think this can be of any help to us now?” she asked.

  Dr. Keckilpenny shrugged. “I think it is what I can best contribute.”

  “I assume Dr. Thorne could still use some help with the wounded.”

  “He has an orderly and a clergyman assisting him already. With one to cart away the spare parts and the other to usher out the souls, I really don’t see what good I could do.”

  “You might do much. There will be more sick soon, even if the dreadfuls don’t break in tonight. The air downstairs is fetid and growing worse by the minute, and what food and drink are left will soon be gone.”

  For what seemed like the first time since Elizabeth met him, the doctor stopped smiling.

  “Yes, well, I’ll do what I can about that when the time comes. Until then, my work remains here.”

  Elizabeth wasn’t sure what she’d come up to the attic to say, but somehow that didn’t matter now. She was speaking to a different Dr. Keckilpenny than she’d once known. Or perhaps simply a truer one.

  “You know, Doctor,” she said, “I’m beginning to think you can’t be bothered with any problem that isn’t hypothetical. It’s as if you exist nowhere but in your own head.”

  Dr. Keckilpenny’s grin returned. It was askew, though—so slanted it was almost half smile, half frown.

  “My favoritest place,” he said, tapping a finger against his forehead. “Though I like it infinitely better when I’m not up here alone.”

  “Elizabeth Bennet?” a voice called out, and heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs. “Elizabeth Bennet, are you there?”

  Master Hawksworth stepped into the attic.

  He then immediately jumped out of the attic—or several steps back down the stairwell, at least.

  “Is that a . . .?” he said, gaping at Mr. Smith.

  “Yes,” Dr. Keckilpenny said. “It is a. A chained a. You have nothing to fear from him.”

  The Master scowled and stomped slowly to the top of the stairs again, favoring his left leg. “You are Bertram Cuckilpony?”

  “Oh, my. He’s even worse than I am!” the doctor scoffed. “It’s Keckilpenny. And even mangling my name, Sir, you have me at a disadvantage. You would be . . .?”

  Hawksworth spread his legs and put his hands on his hips. “Elizabeth Bennet’s master.”

  “Her what? Goodness gracious, this isn’t America. You make it sound as though you own her.”

  “Master Hawksworth is my instructor in the deadly arts,” Elizabeth said, moving between the two men.

  Dr. Keckilpenny nodded and lo
oked the Master up and down. “Ahhhh. That explains the physique, I suppose. Though why anyone should want to be all swollen up like a Frenchman’s balloon, I don’t know.”

  “Better to be swollen than as spindly as a dried-out twig,” Master Hawksworth sneered back.

  “Buh ruhzzzz,” Mr. Smith moaned, hungrily ogling the Master’s physique. “Buh ruhzzzzzz!”

  Master Hawksworth snapped into a Striking Viper pose. “Did that thing just speak?”

  Before anyone could answer, there was a loud thump across the room. Another quickly followed, and Dr. Keckilpenny’s trunk rocked and scooted a few inches across the floor.

  “Doctor,” Elizabeth said, “do you have any idea why your luggage would be moving?”

  “Oh, yes. That’s Westlake. Or was it Eastbrook? Whichever, he’s the guard who was killed in the house the other night. Capt. Cannon let me keep him as sort of a spare, in case Mr. Smith didn’t work out. It appears he’s reporting for duty.”

  Elizabeth stared at the doctor, aghast.

  Master Hawksworth began edging toward the stairwell.

  “Come, Elizabeth Bennet. Let us leave this lunatic to his obscenities.”

  “My work won’t seem so obscene when it saves your life.”

  “Ha!” the Master spat. “What will save us is strength, not the devilry of warped meddlers.”

  “Ha ha! What will save us is ingenuity, not the brute force of blood-thirsty simpletons!”

  “I can show you what brute force is capable of,” Master Hawksworth said, even as he kept sliding toward the stairs.

  “I’m sure you could. I would expect no more nor less from the likes of you. The only thing that surprises me is that Miss Bennet would choose to be your pupil.”

  “Buh ruhzzz! Buh ruhzzz!” Mr. Smith said.

  “You stay out of this,” Dr. Keckilpenny snapped.

  “Whether you like it or not, I am Elizabeth Bennet’s master, whereas you, to her, are nothing.” Master Hawksworth turned to Elizabeth and held out his hand. “Come. We are leaving.”

  “Pah! The Elizabeth Bennet I know bows to no master save her own mind. And in that, I am something a buffoon like you could never be: her equal.”

  Master Hawksworth curled his hand into a fist and stepped toward Dr. Keckilpenny. “I warn you. Do not insult me.”

  “You’re right. Why should I bother when you make an ass of yourself with no assistance from me?”

  The Master bent his knees and curled his hands like claws, beginning a Panther’s Pounce.

  He never finished it. Elizabeth’s kick sent him flying halfway across the attic.

  “Stop it! Both of you!” She planted herself between the men again. “You’re acting like children!”

  With stunned slowness, Master Hawksworth pushed himself up off the floor. Yet it wasn’t anger Elizabeth saw upon his face when he turned to look at her. It was something approaching wonder—almost worship.

  “Elizabeth Bennet, you are a marvel,” he said. “I will not pretend to command you again. Instead, I will ask you. I will beg you. Please. Leave now. With me. Stay with me. I need you. There is a hole in my heart . . . a hole only you can fill.”

  “If there’s a hole in you anywhere, it’s in your head,” Dr. Keckilpenny declared. “Clearly, Miss Bennet intends to stay up here. With me.”

  “Oh!” Elizabeth cried out. She flung up her hands, and it was as if a dam within her burst, and everything she’d been holding back came pouring out. “The holes in you both are so vast I think it would take the two of you together to make one whole man!” She swung a sharp glare on Hawksworth. “You! You came to us as a Master, yet you’ve not mastered your own fear! You can jump, you can strike poses, you can do dand-baithaks by the score. But there is one thing you cannot or will not do: fight! Oh, maybe you can work up the courage to thrash some helpless weakling.”

  “Hey,” Dr. Keckilpenny said.

  “But when have you willingly faced a worthy foe?” Elizabeth went on. “You never sparred with my father in the dojo. Never even sparred with me! And you always seemed to disappear or go conveniently lame when it was time to deal with zombies.”

  The Master flinched, and Elizabeth knew she would never think of him as “Master” again.

  “Your ‘shameful secret’ is obvious to me now, as it should have been all along,” she said. “You are a coward, Geoffrey Hawksworth.”

  Hawksworth lowered his head and said nothing.

  Elizabeth turned to Dr. Keckilpenny and found him eyeing his rival looking altogether too smug.

  “And you. Do you know what you are?”

  “Mad?” the doctor ventured.

  “Yes! Mad! And cold, despite all your jokes. You treat the dead as your playthings, and the living—they don’t enter into the equation at all! Not so long as you’ve got your toys in your ivory tower!”

  “Precisely!” Dr. Keckilpenny began brightly. “And all that’s left to make it paradise is a suitable playm—”

  The heart for quips left him before he could even finish the word, and he sighed and slumped and said, “Oh, it’s hopeless, isn’t it?”

  “You look for hope in the wrong place. Both of you,” Elizabeth said. She felt spent now, empty. “What each of you lacks I cannot give you . . . and would not if I could.”

  She turned and started down the stairs, hoping she’d reach the bottom before the tears came.

  She did.

  After a long, still moment, Master Hawksworth left the attic, as well. It was obvious he wasn’t going after Elizabeth, however. He simply had no choice but to follow in her footsteps.

  “Buh ruhz,” groaned Mr. Smith. “Buuuuuh ruhhhhhhzzzzzzzzz.”

  Dr. Keckilpenny slouched over and slumped back atop his chest, which was now rattling so fiercely it was scratching the floorboards.

  “No, Smithy. Not ‘buuuuh ruhhhhzzz,’” he said. “The word is damn.”

  CHAPTER 35

  “ELIZABETH.”

  At the sound of her name, she left the blackness. She’d been sleeping but not dreaming, as with the dead—the restful dead, anyway.

  She saw her haggard father kneeling beside her, sucked in a lungful of the malodorous air, heard the banging and scraping on the window boards and the raspy, incoherent cries outside. And she longed for oblivion again as memory returned.

  She’d spent hours—it seemed like days—fighting back one breakthrough after another. Sometimes with her father, sometimes with her sisters, sometimes with soldiers or servants or men from the village. Never with Master Hawksworth. Whatever battles he was or wasn’t fighting, he was facing them without her.

  She couldn’t remember falling asleep, nor did she recall crawling under the dining room table with the mothers nestling sleeping or weeping children. Yet here she was.

  “Come with me,” her father said softly. “It begins soon.”

  Elizabeth was too groggy to even ask what “it” was. She simply got up and followed.

  Lydia and Kitty, she found, were passed out together atop the table, while Mary was slumped, drooling on herself prodigiously, against a grandfather clock in the hallway.

  “Papa?” Elizabeth said.

  Mr. Bennet just put a finger to his lips and shook his head. He was letting her sisters sleep. But why not her?

  The soldiers were gone from their positions along the hall, and when Elizabeth and her father reached the foyer, she saw why. The whole company was packed in there together, bayonets affixed to their Brown Besses. Ensign Pratt was at the back, his cherubic face as round and pale as a full moon. In front, by the door, was Capt. Cannon in his wheelbarrow, turned to face his men.

  “. . . been telling yourselves you’re not ready for all this,” he was saying. “Because you lack training. Because you lack experience. Poppycock! What does that count against what you are. Englishmen! And not just that. Londoners! Young, tough ones who’ve already faced on the streets of Spitalfields and Camden and Limehouse foes more implacable, more cunning, more te
nacious than any mere shambling rotter! Footpads, sneak thieves, pimps, degenerates—now those are fiends to fear! So you’re not good at marching. So you don’t know a field marshal from a major general from the company cook. I don’t care, and neither should you. Because by God, you boys already know how to fight! And mark my words: This day, you shall!”

  The soldiers were cheering as Elizabeth and her father started up the stairs. When the Bennets were about halfway up, the captain noticed them and said something to his Limbs, who stood beside him looking weary and grim.

  Right Limb looked up at Mr. Bennet and saluted.

  Elizabeth’s father nodded solemnly as he carried on up the staircase.

  “Papa, what is going on?” Elizabeth asked.

  “You will soon see, my dear. I have arranged for box seats.”

  The rooms on the second floor were overflowing with huddled guests from the ball, all still in their mussed finery. Though Elizabeth didn’t see her mother, she knew she was among them somewhere. Mrs. Bennet’s snores were quite distinctive.

  Up ahead, toward the end of the hall, Elizabeth saw Lt. Tindall speaking earnestly to her sister Jane.

  “. . . honor-bound to do all I can to protect your person . . . and your purity,” Elizabeth heard him say as she and her father walked up. His back was to them, and so absorbed was he in his own words that he didn’t notice their approach.

  Jane was blushing and looking away.

  Mr. Bennet cleared his throat.

  The lieutenant turned around.

  “Oh. Is it time?”

  “I believe so,” Mr. Bennet said. “Good luck, Lieutenant.”

  “We have daylight, we have muskets, we have the element of surprise. We won’t need luck.”

  The young officer offered Mr. Bennet and Elizabeth a bow, turned back to Jane and boldly kissed her hand, then pivoted and marched off toward the staircase.

  “There goes a brave man,” Mr. Bennet said to Jane, and he continued watching her for a long moment even after she’d replied with a simple “Yes.”

  “Is His Lordship ready?” he finally said.

  “He should be. He asked if I could come in and help him with his stockings perhaps half an hour ago. He was almost fully dressed then.”