The Death in a Northern Town Trilogy (Books 1-3): Welcome To Dead Town

by Peter Mckeirnon

  Update –

  Hime not slur my plan if weaning meself off sleep is woking. It was goings well tull thi evening when I started to ge a headache in my eyes and vishion has blurry. I th I migh need a coffee to hekp woke me……….

  Saturday 23rd February

  It’s Saturday evening and I’ve been asleep for nearly two days! TWO FLIPPIN’ DAYS! I’ve got so much to catch up with I best get started but note to self and anyone reading this. Do not try and wean yourself off sleep, it doesn’t work. At least I only passed out and didn’t get naked, thinking I was Hercules again. The neighbours would have had me sent to the loony bin.

  Sunday 24th February

  It has been non-stop here for two days. I’ve been trying to catch up after my disastrous attempt to quit sleeping. Back on track now though and just in time too as reports are coming in of pockets of violence happening in London, Birmingham, Southampton, Edinburgh and even as close as Manchester. For once, it has made headline news but as expected it is being reported as rioting and violent protests against the Government and the economic decline of the country. It looks like governments and mainstream media are going to try and keep a lid on this right till the very end.

  I’ve decided to camp out on the roof tonight. I’ve got a tent up and I have easy access to the house through the sky light in the attic. That way I can keep a look out for any signs of zombies.

  My apocalypse armour is now complete. To be honest, I already had everything I needed apart from porno mags but I bought enough yesterday to protect me for a while. It took a lot longer than I had thought, buying grumble magazines. I had to visit every newsagent in town and a lot of them don’t put them out on the shelves. They keep them under the counter and make you ask. It would have been a lot simpler if I’d gone to Barry’s as he has the biggest selection I’ve ever seen, all proudly displayed on his shelves. Only he thinks he’s funny and won’t sell me any. A joke that goes back to when I was a kid.

  But one day Barry, I’ll have my copy of Splosh, if it’s the last thing I do!

  I have been trying on and off all day to get hold of John but my idiot brother still isn’t answering his phone. Fingers crossed that at the first sign of trouble he’ll grab Emily and come here. As I’ve said, I have been trying to drum it in to the both of them for years that when the apocalypse hits, the safest place for them to be is with me.

  Got to go, I have a strong feeling that tonight is the night. I know the infection has made it to the UK and reports have zombie activity only 20 miles away. It’s more than likely already here.

  Update –

  Holy shit what a night! No sooner had I got out on the roof, I saw the first rumblings of zombie activity. It wasn’t easy to see in the dark and at first I thought it was a couple getting up to a bit of rumpy pumpy in the back of a car but on closer inspection using my telescope, I saw what was really happening.

  It looked at first like she was giving her fella oral sex but after a good twenty minutes or so of surveillance I saw her lift her head out of his lap and in her mouth was the shredded remains of a penis.

  Let it be known that the first zombie I ever saw was a woman eating a man’s dick in the back of a Ford Capri.

  Then I saw a car crash straight through the living room window of a house. The owner of the house ran out to the car and confronted the driver. Furious he was, pounding his fists on the car roof and kicking the glass in the driver’s door window until it shattered. Now I can only guess what the angry man’s next moves would have been because from the broken window, a zombie leant out and chomped into his face, biting hard into his nose whilst clawing at his neck. Give the man some credit he fought back alright, picking up a large shard of broken glass and stabbing the zombie in the neck and face repeatedly. It was beautiful!

  With all the excitement and fun I was having watching things develop through my telescope, I almost forget to look closer to home. Then I heard groaning coming from below. It was Paula from next door. She was stood in my garden, slouched over, staggering about jaggedly. She was either drunk or dead. I was hoping for the latter.

  “Oi, prick!” I shouted.

  She lifted up her head and croaked out a hellish groan, revealing her sunken eyes and thin, greying skin. She was dead alright and I couldn’t have been happier.

  I quickly strapped porno mags to my arms and legs, grabbed a crow bar and climbed down the rope ladder from my back bedroom window. I have to say, the rope ladder isn’t the most sturdy of things. I’ve got a large metal ladder in the garden, I think I’ll use that when I can and save the rope ladder for when John and Emily show up so I can laugh at them struggling.

  There I was, face to face with my first zombie and lucky for me it was the moaning old cow from next door.

  The moment I had been dreaming about for years was about to come true and it couldn’t have been any sweeter. I swung the crowbar into the side of her head and it was a great shot even if I do say so myself. She went down like a sack of shit. Dead after one hit. Did I feel any remorse? Not on your nelly. Whilst I wouldn’t kill a human (well, unless they hurt me or my family), a zombie is a completely different story. They are already dead, reanimated with one purpose which is to eat human flesh. The only regret I did have was that I would never see her sunbathing topless again. But what the hell, zombies, yay!

  As I stood over my first zombie kill, I heard more groaning coming from the front of the house. Cautiously I made my way towards the noise and was delighted to see Ian, my other pain in the arse neighbour heading towards me. He too had sunken eyes and gaunt features with fresh blood covering his mouth and chest.

  Wrapped around my lower right leg was a copy of Posh Totty and inside it I had tucked a sharp fishing knife. Removing it I ran at Ian and stabbed him in the head.

  My first two kills and it looks like we are dealing with traditional zombies here. Kill the brain kill the shuffler. And what’s more, what an amazing start to the apocalypse I’m having. The first two deaders I encounter just so happen to be the two whose heads I had planned to impale on spikes outside my front door!

  I heard a loud thud followed by rustling sounds behind me. I turned around to see that trapped in the overgrown brambles and bushes of my front garden was another zombie. It had fallen over the stone wall and gotten trapped, just as I had hoped would happen.

  I walked towards it and took a good look at it’s cold, pale face and I noticed it sniff the air in front of me before reaching out, attempting to grab a hold. Was the zombie using smell to locate me? I stepped away from the zombie and watched as it did the same thing. Sniffing the air then shifting its head to face me, gnashing its teeth manically. This is something I hadn’t expected. It would appear that zombies can pick up the scent of the living. I would have to do more testing to be sure but if I’m right, I can use this to my advantage. I must tell A.R.S.E. what I’ve found. Right after I’ve impaled Paula’s and Ian’s heads on spikes!

  Monday

  It’s Monday morning and the zombie apocalypse has hit Runcorn. I’m not putting the date in this diary from now on as dates don’t matter anymore, not to me anyway. If anything today should be 01/01/01 of the new post-apocalyptic world.

  The sun has been up for fifteen minutes and I’m about to head out. I mentioned before that it appears zombies can smell the living well I am now in no doubt that they can. This became clear when I walked out on to Weston Road and a small horde immediately turned to face me, all of them sniffing me out.

  I retreated back down the stone steps to my house and waited outside the front door watching, as one by one zombies fell over the wall and down the steps. Those that landed in front of me I bashed in with my crowbar and those that got stuck in thick overgrowth I saved till later, stabbing them with my fishing knife.

  It took a while and it wasn’t easy going but after an hour or so I was surrounded by dead zombies, probably about fifty I’d say. As I stood there, admiring my destruction, I heard more zombies shuffling along the ro
ad only, unlike the others, they ignored me and walked past. I can only think of one reason for this and that is they couldn’t smell me. The zombies I had killed must have been hiding my scent which has given me a fantastic idea but first, I need to kill more of the bastards! I will update shortly.

  Update –

  Fuck me I’m knackered. I’ve spent the last 2 hours using myself as bait to lure zombies into my back garden so I could kill them. Firstly, I removed a fence panel giving me access to the housing estate behind my house then I went hunting. Now like everyone else on this planet I’ve never hunted zombies before but I found roaming the streets shouting “Here, zombies zombies, here zombies zombies,” seemed to do the trick. It wasn’t easy, as every road I walked down was full of people screaming, running, packing cars, boarding up houses, being eaten by loved ones or killing undead loved ones. There was human scent everywhere so to make myself even more appealing, I stripped off to just my underpants so they could smell more of me. I still had porno mags covering my limbs though and I have now also added a lampshade neck protector to my armour. This did the trick and I was soon leading zombies back to my house like I was leading an apocalyptic conga.

  As they walked through my fence one by one I stabbed them in the head. You should see the pile of rotters I’ve amassed outside, it really is a sight to behold. I think I’ve killed enough now for me to get working on my fantastic idea. But first I need to take a piss. It’s thirsty work all this zombie killing.

  Update –

  It’s now early evening and I have spent the last few hours chopping up zombies and nailing their legs, arms, hands, feet and heads to the exterior of my house. Not only will this hide my smell but it should also put the fear of God into any survivors that might be thinking about breaking in.

  One thing I’ve realised is that my zombie protection suit needs modifying. Porno mags, heavy boots and a lampshade neck protector alone won’t cut it. I’ll have a think and look through my supplies to see what I can add but I’m thinking metal plates on my boots and a stab proof vest. Maybe some shin pads, oh and a tool belt so I can carry more weaponry. I could also do with some tight jeans, maybe even leggings. It dawned on me whilst I was outside wearing only my undercrackers that clothing can give zombies something to grab hold of. So the tighter the better if you ask me.

  Update –

  It’s dark outside now and what a day it’s been. There’s still a lot more to do tomorrow, starting with hammering stakes into the ground outside my house. If I point them on a slight angle towards the steps and the wall, any approaching zombies should stumble or fall right into them.

  I have just checked in with A.R.S.E. to see how everyone is getting on. Only Sky Watcher responded which is worrying. Where the hell are Trust No One and Believe Nothing?

  I told Sky Watcher about my discovery that zombies can sniff out the living and what I have done to secure the house further and she has said she will do the same. I’m glad she’s OK. Unlike most people in this world I find her really easy to talk to. Plus she makes my cockles jiggle.

  I can hear noises outside; I’ll update more after I’ve been to investigate.

  Tuesday

  That noise I heard outside, well it was only my brother and niece and they had our Emily’s boyfriend, Jonathon, and another bloke with them. A Scouser called Dave that looks like he is the president for the Andrew Ridgeley fan club. John said it had taken them all day to get here and he had to rescue Emily from her school which was full of zombies. I’ll have a word with Emily in a bit because I have a feeling she was probably doing just fine on her own and it was John that needed rescuing.

  It’s a weight off my mind having them both here and Dave seems alright. I’m not sure about his choice of weapon but judging by the blood stains on it he’s been putting his giant spoon to good use. Plus, looking at the state of John, I’m convinced Dave is the only reason he’s still alive. He smokes a lot of cigarettes though. Now I like the odd smoke myself and I had made sure I had enough supplies to last me a few months but watching how many he can put away, my stock won’t last us more than a week. We’re going to have to go shopping. I think I’ll bring Dave with me, he looks like he can look after himself and it will give me a chance to test my new and improved zombie protection suit.

  First things first though, I need to wake John up and show him what I have found at the Pavilions. Whilst everyone had a rest I went back out onto my roof to scout our surroundings. Not too far away from us, is a large sports and social club called The Pavilions. It looks as though they have opened their doors for survivors to take shelter. However, the people in there can’t see what I can see and obviously don’t know that zombies can smell flesh. Every rotter in the area seems to be heading their way. Poor bastards. Once I’ve shown John what I have found I can put him to work, hammering stakes in the ground. That’s if he doesn’t cry off, pretending to have a bad back.

  Update –

  Our shopping trip was a success. Not only did we come back with enough cigarettes to keep Dave happy for a few weeks but we also managed to retrieve more food supplies and alcohol. The alcohol I’m pleased with as it means I don’t have to share the homebrew I’ve got in the cellar. There’ll be no cheese beer left if Dave gets a whiff of it; he looks like he’s got a thirst on him.

  It was also a successful first outing for my new zombie survival suit. I had everything but skinny jeans but luckily Jonathon let me squeeze into his for the mission. I had a bit of fun spinning a yarn to our John that I pinched them from Jonathon whilst he was snuggled up in bed with Emily. You should have seen the look on his face. I think winding my little brother up will be my new hobby.

  Dave and I did come into what could have been a problematic situation but we’ve decided to not tell John and the others. There’s no point in worrying them and it’s all taken care of now anyway but whilst we were out, we came across some survivors. They were looting the shop we had planned to do ourselves. Outside of the shop was a large transit van filled with food, cigarettes and drink. What’s more, it appeared to be unmanned, the looters still inside the shop. Or so we thought!

  As we approached the van, a man jumped out and tried to attack us but the bell end tripped and smacked the back of his head on the road. We thought he was dead or at the very least knocked out cold, so we took as much as we could, filled the Thunderbird and scarpered. We were long gone before the survivors in the shop had even realised we were there.

  I’m signing off for the night to enjoy food and a few drinks with my family and Dave and Jonathon. Normally I don’t take to strangers very well but Dave, despite his bad taste in music and clothes and aside from all the piss taking, is actually an alright bloke. Emily has brought Jonathon round to the house a few times already so I have already gotten to know the kid and I like him a lot. He reminds me of me when I was his age, only I was better looking. He’s going to be a good asset to our team, once he learns to curb his enthusiasm a bit. Plus, he’s great for our Emily.

  Wednesday

  Everything has gone to shit. Everything I’ve been building here has gone and Jonathon… Jesus Christ that poor kid.

  Last night, whilst we were sleeping off a good meal and a few beers, my house was set on fire. We were lucky to all escape with our lives or I thought we were. It wasn’t till we gathered on the road that we noticed Jonathon wasn’t with us. Then the lights from the transit van Dave and I encountered lit up Weston Road and revealed that next to it, Jonathon was tied to a lamp post. The leader shouted to us, something about an eye for an eye and he held up the severed head of the man that jumped out of the van and attacked Dave and I. The bastard thought we’d killed him! Then he set two zombies on Jonathon and drove away.

  Two days of things going well and now everything is lost. I can’t let the others know how I’m feeling, they expect me to have all the answers. I need to come up with a plan and quickly. The one good thing is that Barry from down the road has taken us in and he is letting us get some re
st in his shop. This will give me a little time to think.

  Update –

  We need to rebuild. Find somewhere we can start again and rebuild, of that there is no question. We also need to make the prick that killed Jonathon and burnt down my home suffer for what he did. How? I’m not so sure at the moment but we need to do something. First things first though, I’ve told the others we should go back to the house and see if anything can be salvaged. Emily, has barely spoken a word since last night but I can see the rage building inside her. It’s within me too. Thankfully, exhaustion has sent her to sleep; she can stay here with Barry whilst the rest of us track back to my house. If the worst comes to the worst and all my supplies have burnt down with the house, then all is not lost. I have more supplies buried in the back garden, we’ll just have to move the mountain of zombies to get to them first. I have a little surprise for Dave too. He’s been like a different person since the fire melted his Walkman and he lost his battle paddle, it’s like he’s lost his identity. But as I said I have supplies buried in the garden. In fact, I have supplies buried to cater for every apocalyptic scenario imaginable and stored in my robot uprising stash, is a cassette Walkman. That should put a smile on his retro face.

  Right, we’re off back to what remains of my house. I’ll update again later.

  Update –

  Emily has vanished. No doubt to find the shit that killed Jonathon. John is beside himself, saying it’s his fault for leaving her with Barry. I have every confidence that we’ll find her. She knows as much as we do and that is that the van from last night drove into Weston Point, so that’s where she’ll be going and it’s where we’ll be heading too. Just as soon as we find some transport.

  Update –