A Mother's Dilemma

by Emma Hornby

  ‘Fred says it’s His will we weren’t blessed,’ Flora continued. ‘I don’t know. It just don’t seem fair to me. I’d have made a good mam, Minnie.’

  ‘’Ere, course tha would.’ She reached across and squeezed her hand. ‘By, the best, I reckon. I’d not let these babbies I care for go to just anyone, now would I? And ain’t I allus said, you and Fred could have had any one of the poor blighters what’s come to me. For I know you’d provide the love and care they deserve, no doubt about that, nay. But Flora, lovey …’ Minnie broke off to sigh.

  As much as it would pain her, and likely the woman beside her, to say this, it needed voicing. It was doing her friend’s health – not to mention her marriage – no good. No good at all. ‘I think it might be time to … you know. Accept things as they are, like. Fred’ll not be swayed and, well, husbands are the ones what have the final say. I’m that sorry, oh I am, to be saying this. But for your own wellness of mind and heart … you need to accept how it must be, wench. It’ll make you iller still, else.’

  Flora didn’t respond, simply heaved a long, slow breath that seemed to come from her very soul. ‘Can I come in and see them, the babbies? Give them a bit of a cuddle, like?’

  ‘Course you can.’ Minnie nodded, smiling. ‘You do most days, don’t you? Have I ever turned you away afore now?’

  ‘I’ll not be in your road? You’re not busy?’

  ‘Nay, nay.’

  Eliza had dozed off and, likewise, in the bed facing her chair, the line of babies slept on peacefully. Flora’s eyes shone as she approached them, and Minnie had to swallow down her pity. Her words to Flora about putting aside her wish of becoming a mother herself had fallen on deaf ears. Flora wouldn’t – couldn’t – ever accept it, it was obvious.

  ‘Ah, the new angel. A tiny thing, he is.’ Flora brushed a finger across the cheek of the child Minnie had fed earlier. Suddenly, she turned, eyebrows knotted. ‘Where’s t’ other one?’

  ‘Upstairs.’ Immediately, her eyes were wet, and she had to gulp her next words out. ‘The precious thing passed away, Flora love, earlier on.’

  Despite her own upset at the news, Flora came to put her arm around her friend’s shoulders. ‘You’re not to blame yourself.’

  ‘I do all the same. Babbies come and babbies go, I know it, but it never gets easier.’

  It was the other woman’s turn to offer some sage advice. ‘You did your best for the poor mite, I’m sure.’ She motioned to the girl by the fire. ‘Look at the lass akip, there. And where would she be, I’d like to know, but for your kindness? You kept her on with you when no one wanted the sorry, half-lame soul. Fed, clothed and kept a roof over her head, you have, when many a body would’ve left it to the workhouse to provide.’

  ‘Aye, well. I weren’t aware of Eliza’s bad legs at the time. She were but a few hours old the day her mam dropped her off here – it weren’t ’til later, after her mam had long scarpered, that I noticed her affliction. And well, when couple after couple turned their noses up at adopting her because of it, what were I to do?’

  Flora inclined her head again, this time to the rag rug and the animals snoring softly there before the leaping flames. The ancient one-eyed dog lifted its head, yawned and returned to its dreams. The contented three-legged cat with only half a tail, however, didn’t stir. ‘And them two – not to mention countless other strays you’ve took in afore them?’

  Minnie shrugged. ‘Couldn’t very well leave the buggers to starve or freeze to death on the streets, now could I?’

  ‘Nay, and shall I tell thee why? For you’re the keeper of the waifs and unwanted of this city, and honest as the day is long. For you’ve a golden heart, allus have had. But your ways, you play them down. Truth is, you love that girl there as if she were one of your own. The animals, an’ all. As for the babbies you find new lives for, well, just what would they do without you? Be at the mercy of others pretending to ply a similar trade to yours, that’s what. Now, admit it.’

  ‘I do, aye. I grow to love every one of them, be it beast or child, what passes over yon threshold, however long I have them for,’ Minnie admitted, smiling.

  ‘Don’t ever doubt your goodness. Promise me.’

  ‘Aye, wench.’

  ‘And you’ll cease blaming yourself over that poor dead babby up yonder?’

  Minnie held Flora close. ‘I will.’

  ‘Good. Good.’

  ‘There’s some tea not long since brewed if you’re for wanting a sup?’ Minnie asked softly, filled with love for this small woman she didn’t know what she’d do without. However, her friend didn’t answer and, when Minnie pulled back to look at her, her lips bunched together. Flora was ashen and was gritting her teeth in obvious discomfort. ‘Flora? What is it, what’s to do?’

  ‘That pain, it’s back again.’ She pressed her palm to her ribs. ‘Don’t fret none, it’ll pass in a minute,’ she gasped out.

  ‘For the love of God, wench, will you see the doctor? Please, for me? This has gone on long enough, you can’t keep putting it off and—’

  ‘I’ll be off home, now, Minnie,’ Flora cut in quietly.

  ‘Wench—’

  ‘I’ll be seeing thee, love.’

  Insides churning with frustration and worry, Minnie could only watch as her friend slunk away. The front door shut and she lowered herself into the chair facing Eliza’s. However, her gaze remained on the door and, despite the passing minutes, her anxiety refused to leave her. Possible causes affecting her friend’s health flitted through her mind, each more fearsome than the last. What if it was this illness, that disease …

  ‘Stop it,’ she told herself firmly, though it did no good. Her friend needed medical attention, there were no two ways about it.

  Suddenly, another thought struck and the worry lines faded from her brow. Flora wouldn’t listen to her, that much was clear. Fred, on the other hand, was another matter.

  Her eyes strayed to the clock and she quickly calculated the time yet to pass until the night shift began at the glass works. Mind made up, she folded her arms with a determined nod.

  *

  Eliza’s frightened yell, swiftly followed by the fretful cries of several of the babies, hauled Minnie from her dreams in a heartbeat. A crick in her neck jarred as she bolted up; wincing, she rubbed the spot and blinked around the room, senses muggy with sleep.

  The fire had burned low and she had to squint through the gathering gloom at the girl. ‘What’s all this? What’s to do with you? Set the babbies off, you have, with your noise—’

  ‘Never mind my noise,’ Eliza cut in, jabbing a finger to the street outside. ‘Some mad swine hammered hell out of yon door; frickened me half to death, it did— Eeh!’ she added when, sure enough, on cue, another heavy thump sounded. ‘Ay, Min, what’s afoot? I’m scared.’

  ‘Now then, no need for all that.’ She tried to sound more nonchalant than she felt. Moments like this, when it could be anyone out there in this impoverished, crime-riddled city trying to gain entry, made her wish all the more that she still had a man about the place. But she didn’t. She must be the protector, always. Squaring her shoulders, she headed for the door.

  The knocking struck up again as she reached it, more insistent than before. When she opened it wide, an admonishment ready on her tongue for whoever was causing the disturbance, she found herself almost barged to the ground as the visitor rushed inside. Gazing up, her anger instantly gave way to dread. He wore no shirt and his dark red hair stood up in all directions, as though he’d rushed straight from his bed to here. Though his eyes sparked with emotion, the rest of him was expressionless, as if frozen in panic.

  ‘Fred? Lad, speak to me.’

  His mouth flapped open and closed but no words emerged. He shook his head.

  ‘Flora …’ The name trembled from Minnie’s lips and in the next moment she’d pushed past Fred and was running outside, through the Nightingales’ open door and into the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks.
>
  ‘Mi— Minnie. Mother of God, the pain …’

  ‘Wench!’ She hurried towards the table and her friend beside it in a heap on the hard floor. Next to her, a chair lay on its side – likely its falling over the sound which had awoken Fred. ‘What happened?’

  Having followed Minnie home, Fred answered for his wife. ‘I heard a crash and her cry out like a beast in pain. When I ran downstairs she were lying there like this. She couldn’t speak, then, with the shock, like. I came straight to yours, didn’t know what to do.’ He crouched beside her to stroke his wife’s head. ‘Flora? You well now, lass?’

  ‘Course she ain’t ruddy well.’ Minnie spoke more harshly than she’d intended, worry and not a little anger bursting out before she could stop it. ‘The poor love’s been unwell for months and months – why didn’t you notice, Fred? Why didn’t you drag that doctor round here to attend to her? And now see what’s happened, look at the state she’s in—’

  ‘It’s not … not Fred’s fault. I’ve hid it from him, Minnie. He knew nowt … nowt about it.’

  Fred’s face creased with hurt. ‘Why, Flora?’

  ‘I didn’t want you fretting is all. I thought it’d … pass soon enough.’

  ‘Eeh, lass, you should have told me!’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry, I—’ A wail ripped from Flora’s throat, killing her speech. ‘Merciful God, my insides … the pain …!’

  As though absorbing all he’d heard, Fred released a low gasp. His face had turned corpse grey and he grasped Minnie’s arm with such force she winced. ‘Fred?’

  ‘Flora’s father, and her grandfather afore him …’

  ‘What? What?’

  ‘They both died from the stomach cancer. God above, it can’t be. My Flora can’t … She can’t …’

  Minnie tried desperately to swallow down the shock and horror clogging her throat, but it was useless; she burst into tears. Her friend had stated only a few short hours ago her belief that God had turned His back on them. For reasons she’d never fathom, it really did seem He had. She fumbled for Fred’s hand and squeezed. By now, Flora was slipping in and out of consciousness. Minnie shook her by the shoulders to rouse her. ‘Love, stay awake. Please. You’re going to be just fine, you’ll see. Fred’s off to fetch the doctor.’ To him, she added, ‘Quickly, lad. Go now.’

  ‘Why didn’t I give consent to taking on one of them babbies of yourn?’ he murmured, eyes fixed on his wife’s face, as though he hadn’t heard Minnie. ‘It’s all she ever wanted. All she wanted her life through. Had I, she’d have told me she were ill sooner. A child would have given her summat to want to go on for.’ Gruff sobs bent him double. ‘I could have fixed her broken heart and never did, were too hung up on my own feelings to think of hers and all. Lord forgive me!’

  ‘You mustn’t think like that. Now, the doctor, Fred,’ Minnie told him, more firmly this time. ‘Fetch him, go on.’

  When he’d stumbled off she placed her palm on Flora’s stomach and, gently, felt about. The woman didn’t stir and nothing, as far as Minnie could ascertain, seemed out of the ordinary. Then she shifted it around to Flora’s side and immediately her fingers brushed a large, hard lump behind her ribs. Her mouth ran dry. Hand trembling, she retraced the area. She pressed it lightly. To her astonishment, the mass pushed back – she felt it clearly against her skin. She snatched her arm away with a cry.

  It had almost felt for a moment there that something, some living thing … Minnie’s lips parted and her mouth fell open. Her eyes followed suit; wide with incredulity, they studied the prone woman, now, in a fresh light. The months and months of sickness and lack of bleeds, the clear swell of Flora’s normally flat breasts … ‘Good God, it cannot be,’ she murmured to the empty room. Her banging heart threatened to spring from her chest in euphoric realisation. Given her years of experience, the countless expectant mothers whose babies she’d helped bring into the world … How had she not noticed? She hadn’t suspected a thing, never considered for a single moment … ‘Wench? Wake up, please, wake up. Does tha hear me?’

  ‘Mm?’

  ‘Oh, Flora, love.’ Minnie could barely give life to her words and her vision was blurry with tears. ‘I think … Mother of God, I do actually believe— Eeh!’ she exclaimed on broken laughter when, suddenly, like a river bursting its banks, water gushed from between Flora’s legs.

  ‘Minnie?’ With a small frown, the woman blinked up at her drowsily. ‘What’s occurring? I’m … wet. Wet and … Why are you laughing? Where’s my Fred? Where is he?’

  ‘Oh, wench.’ Tears of joy streamed down Minnie’s cheeks unchecked. ‘By, you daft bloody bugger, yer.’ She reached for Flora’s hand and kissed it soundly. ‘Fancy you frightening the livers out of us like that and all the time … Flora, you’re with ruddy child!’ She bobbed her head in confirmation when her friend simply gazed at her. ‘And said child is set to make its appearance – right now!’

  Flora hadn’t the chance to respond; her face contorted and she let out an agonised scream. ‘Down below, it feels … I want to push!’

  ‘Then you do it.’ Gathering back control from sheer instinct, Minnie rolled up her sleeves with a firm nod. ‘Listen to your body, wench. Do as it’s telling thee and you’ll not go far wrong. Now don’t you fret none, for I’m here. I’ll not let nowt happen to thee, you have my word on that.’ Positioning herself between Flora’s legs, she lifted her friend’s skirts, whipped down her undergarments and examined her, murmuring soothingly all the while. From what she could tell, this miracle child would be here in a matter of minutes, if not sooner. Swallowing down her excitement, she instructed quietly but firmly, ‘At the next pain, I want you to bear down with all your might. You understand, wench? Nice deep breaths and a strong, steady push.’

  ‘I can’t … don’t know what’s happening … A cruel trick, that’s what this is! There’s no baby, there’s not, it’s a mistake—!’

  Minnie cut off her high-pitched shouts with a chuckle. ‘No mistake, Flora, oh nay. Now, remember what I said. At the next pain—’

  ‘Oh Lord, oh, it’s coming back.’ Flora writhed to her hands and knees, grunting and groaning. ‘God above, the pain’s too much, I can’t, can’t …’

  ‘Tha can and tha shall. Deep breaths, wench.’ Minnie crouched behind her and now, taking another look between her legs, she gasped. The child’s head was crowning. She was overcome with emotion at the sight – quickly, she swiped an arm across her eyes. There would be time for all that later. Right now, her friend needed her to remain composed and aid her through this. ‘Harder!’ she urged, when Flora, panting on all fours, began to push. ‘More, wench, that’s it, go on, a last big strong ’un …! Ah! Good girl, you’ve done it!’ she cried, catching the slippery body in her firm grasp as it emerged into the world. ‘Eeh, Flora! Oh, wench. Would you look at that – oh, beautiful!’

  Flora sank to the floor, sobbing loudly. ‘How can this be?’ she repeated, over and over, dumb with shock. However, when Minnie placed her child into her arms, the words melted on her lips and she gazed, awestruck, her breaths coming in short bursts.

  ‘It’s a girl, love.’

  ‘Minnie, I never knew. I thought I were long past my time for it to ever be possible. I thought I had the cancer, were dying. How could I not know?’ She burst into tears again, only now her weeping held snatches of wild, ecstatic laughter. ‘I’ve gorra babby. I’m a mam!’

  Minnie giggled through her own tears. ‘Aye, you are. Babby must have been lying more towards your back behind your ribs; that’s why you’ve not showed none at the front. It ain’t uncommon – I’ve heard of such happening over the years. Hiding from your mam and father, were you, eh?’ she added tenderly to the child. She shook her head. ‘Eeh, I just can’t … I’m lost for words, I am, really.’

  ‘Fred! Lad, can you believe …?’

  Her husband, who had entered breathlessly, the doctor in tow – he bumped nose-first into Fred’s back as he juddered to a halt – gawped
at the incredible scene. Flora repeated herself but still he stood mutely, as though set in stone.

  Rubbing his nose, the young medical man stepped around him. He nodded down at mother and babe and smiled. ‘Well. This is a grand sight to behold. From Mr Nightingale’s explanation, I was prepared for something else entirely.’

  ‘It’s a certain miracle, Doctor!’

  ‘Indeed.’ He grinned at Flora then turned his attention to Minnie. ‘The child was delivered by your capable hands, Mrs Maddox?’

  ‘Aye, Doctor.’

  ‘No complications?’

  ‘Nay, none.’

  Relief passed over his face. He rolled up his sleeves. ‘Excellent. I’ll take it from here, Mrs Maddox. I’m sure your girl … Eliza, is it?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Her legs are well?’

  ‘Well as they can be. We’ve not been in need of you of late, as you’ll have noticed, anyroad. They don’t bother her so much as she gets older, glory be to God.’

  ‘Good. Well, I’m sure she will agree you’ve earned a cup of tea for your work here today. Instruct her to put in a drop of brandy for your nerves.’

  It was her turn to grin. ‘I shall, Doctor. And aye, aye – it give me quite the shock!’

  ‘And me, though I’ll not hold it against her. My precious jewel.’ Flora lifted her head and her eyes were bright with tears. ‘Jewel … Suits her that, I reckon. My Jewel. Aye.’

  ‘A bonny name for a bonny lass,’ Minnie wholeheartedly agreed. ‘I’ll be away, now, let you grab some rest. Eeh, wench.’ She caressed her friend’s cheek then the baby’s. ‘I’m that happy for thee.’

  ‘Ta, love, ta for everything. Minnie?’ she added as her friend rose to her feet.

  ‘Aye?’

  ‘I’m complete.’

  The two words, spoken with such raw simplicity, such truth, brought a lump to her throat. ‘Bye for now, wench.’