A Mother's Dilemma

by Emma Hornby

  A furtive glance around showed Jewel that her search would be pointless. ‘It’s all right, it don’t matter.’

  ‘Please yourself,’ the girl said again. Then she yawned loudly, turned over in the bed and promptly fell asleep.

  For the next half an hour or so, not knowing what else to do, Jewel attempted to pass the time with rest, too. She turned and shifted on the sofa but the lumps and scratchy horsehair poking through the numerous holes in the material made it impossible to get comfortable. Finally admitting defeat, she rose and went to seek out a teapot; her thirst was worse than ever. Not only that, she was now hungry, too. Just how did these people survive? How could they live like this at all?

  ‘Well. See what we have here.’

  Nose deep in a broken cupboard in the corner, which the dim light had failed to pick out upon her arrival, Jewel sprang around. In the doorway stood three women. Though each gave her a fleeting glance, none spoke to her, instead turning their attention back to the girl snoring in the bed.

  The eldest-looking of the trio spoke again: ‘She’s back, look. By, the size of her.’

  ‘Aye,’ a female a year or two older than Louise piped. She reached up to remove her hat, a gaudy-coloured item overly decorated with imitation flowers and stuffed birds, and tossed it on to the table. ‘Like a sow, she is,’ she added, her disdainful gaze running over Louise once more.

  The third woman said nothing. Though her attire was plainer than the tawdry finery of her companions, her cheeks were rouged just the same, and the too-low bustline of her dress showed more than was decent. She crossed to the table and picked up the brandy bottle. Clearly from long practice, she glugged the fiery liquid without wincing. Wiping her mouth on her hand, she took a seat on a sofa.

  ‘Lou?’ The elder woman had crossed to the bed. She slapped the sleeping girl’s thigh a few times, though without much force. ‘Oi, come on, waken.’

  ‘Hm? Oh.’ Rubbing her eyes, Louise stretched like a lazy cat. ‘Hello, Mam.’

  Mam? Jewel’s brows rose in surprise. Somehow, she hadn’t imagined that Louise lived with her parents. Given her unconcerned attitude at returning home and what reception she’d receive regarding her keeping a lover and the resulting child, she’d assumed she dwelled alone or with friends.

  ‘Hello,’ the woman responded cordially, sitting on the edge of the bed. ‘All right?’

  ‘Aye. Mind, I’ll be glad when this makes its appearance.’

  Looking down at her daughter’s stomach, she nodded, saying matter-of-factly, ‘Can’t be much longer, I’d say.’

  Jewel had slipped to the other sofa and she viewed the scene with increasing puzzlement. She could see where Louise got her temperament. This woman’s lack of any emotion was queer, to say the least. Despite their months of separation, they appeared not to have missed one another in the slightest; no hugs or affection at all, as if they were mere acquaintances who had bumped into one another in the street. That this indifference, from both, still carried when speaking of the baby was the most unnerving aspect of all. Thinking of her own mother, her lovingness and attentiveness, their meaningful relationship, Jewel just couldn’t fathom these people.

  ‘Didn’t take thee long to come scuttling back home, did it, sis? What’s up? Your fella grow bored of you, did he?’

  Louise looked down at the grinning younger woman now sprawled across the foot of the bed. Like it was all some big lark, her own lips stretched in a chirpy smile. ‘Shut it, you. If you must know, I got shot of him.’

  ‘Huh!’

  ‘I did, I tell you. The dirty dog were already wed.’

  At the revelation, her sister doubled over, screeching with laughter, whilst their mother rolled her eyes with a chuckle. Even the third woman, still clutching the brandy bottle, shook her head and smiled.

  ‘Hawked him right off, I did. It’s all or nowt with me; I ain’t being anyone’s mistress, no thank you.’

  ‘Ho! Don’t knock it, love. All the perks and none of the drudgery? It suits me just fine.’

  This, from Louise’s sister, had Jewel’s mouth falling open in shock. Not that anyone else seemed bothered by the shameless statement.

  ‘Fancy him lying like that, though, eh? Carting me off to Bolton town as he did and for what? Nowt but lies and false promises. Swine.’

  ‘Ay well, you weren’t to know,’ her mother told her with a shrug. ‘He even had us fooled. You’re home now, anyroad, so no harm done.’

  No harm done? Was she really witnessing this or was it all some strange dream? Jewel genuinely began to wonder. No harm? A member of their family, barely an adult herself, was due to give birth to a married man’s bastard. Could it get much worse than that?

  ‘And who is that?’ As though she’d just remembered she was there, the mother jabbed a finger towards Jewel.

  ‘Oh, her.’ Louise let her shoulders rise and fall. ‘She had nowhere else to go.’

  All eyes were on Jewel; she turned her attention to the mother, saying, ‘I’ll leave if you’d rather?’ and almost wished that she would.

  ‘Nay, you’re all right.’

  ‘Ta, thanks.’

  ‘You’re welcome, aye.’ She eyed Jewel keenly for a few moments then, nudging Louise, added, ‘’Ere, she’s a bonny ’un, your friend.’

  ‘Lovely hair,’ agreed her sister, stretching across to stroke Jewel’s plait.

  The attention brought pinkness to her cheeks. She smiled and lowered her head, and the three women shared a quiet laugh.

  ‘You got any brass?’

  ‘Not much after train fares.’ Louise brought out a few coins and handed them to her mother. ‘That’s it.’

  ‘Well, you’ll have to come out later and earn some more. Us three have barely made a farthing betwixt us today – mind you, work’s allus slow mid-week, eh? Happen you’ll have more luck with that – get more takers, like.’ She prodded her daughter’s bump. ‘Some have a taste for all sorts, after all.’

  Releasing a tired sigh, Louise nodded nonetheless. ‘Aye, all right.’

  ‘Good. In t’ meantime …’ Her mother quickly counted the money then held it out to the brandy drinker. ‘Nip down to the inn, Sarah, and get us each a penny pie. Pick us up a sup, an’ all, whilst you’re there.’

  Putting down the bottle with some reluctance, the woman did as she was bid.

  ‘Move up, our Lou.’ Budging her across, her sister snuggled beside her beneath the covers. ‘I hope Aunt Sarah ain’t gone long; I want to grab some kip after my grub, ready for tonight,’ she told them on a loud yawn. ‘I’m fagged.’

  Louise nodded agreement. ‘I’d best do the same. That run earlier has left me spent.’

  ‘What run?’

  ‘Eeh, Julia, it were a close call,’ she told her sister. ‘Two bobbies, bloody hulking they were. I’d not have stood a chance of fighting them off in my condition.’

  ‘Why, what occurred?’

  ‘I decided I had to be shot of the child upon discovering what it’s good-for-nowt father were about. But the baby farmer I sought out got her collar felt, that’s what. I weren’t for returning to Manchester ’til I’d got shot of the babby but, well … Today put paid to that, so here I am. Lucky we got away when we did, an’ all, for we’d be languishing in a cell along with her, if you get my meaning.’

  ‘Aye, you were fortunate, then. As for the child … Not to fret. We’ll sort summat out when the time comes.’

  Their mother nodded in agreement with Julia then added something to the conversation, but Jewel had already ceased listening. Her head felt muggy and her every muscle was rigid with horror-filled shock. ‘Some have a taste for all sorts, after all …’

  My God. Oh, dear Lord in heaven … How had she not realised before?

  The memory of Louise escorting that man down the ginnel in Bolton now held devastating clarity. She hadn’t picked his pockets at all. He’d handed over his money willingly. And in return she’d … Jewel closed her eyes to the truth. I suspect
ed nothing, hadn’t the slightest inkling … Her face burned with foolishness.

  These women were streetwalkers, and this their den of vice. She’d been so blind. Just what was she going to do? Leave? Where would she go? She knew nowhere, no one, here. She also hadn’t a half-penny to her name, couldn’t return to Bolton if she’d wanted – which of course she didn’t, because what was there for her either? Oh, it was all such a mess!

  ‘All right, Jewel?’

  Jolting from her whirring thoughts, she brought her gaze to Louise. ‘What? Aye. Aye, yes.’

  ‘Happen you’re short of a rest, too. I’ll find you them blankets I promised once we’ve had our pies.’

  The sheer hopelessness of her situation brought a choking sob and, before she could stem them, gushing tears broke from her to cascade down her face.

  ‘Eeh. What’s to do?’ The girls’ mother moved to her side and placed an arm across her shoulders, but Jewel couldn’t help shrinking from the touch. It was neither cosseting nor comforting; never had she ached for her own mother more than she did now.

  ‘Leave her be, Mam. It’s been a fraught day is all. It’s nowt a good kip won’t remedy, I’ll be bound.’

  ‘Louise is right.’ Forcing her pain down, Jewel flashed a watery smile – anything to reassure the older woman enough for her to remove her arm. ‘I’m just tired, honest.’

  ‘Here. Go on, take it.’ Having picked up the bottle from the table, she waved it under her nose. ‘It’ll calm your nerves.’

  Past caring, Jewel took it from her and took a long draught. She heaved and spluttered, much to the others’ amusement, but by the third swig her body got used to it and she closed her eyes, sipping at it now, welcoming the fuzzy warmth it brought.

  *

  When bone-numbing coldness dragged her from her stupor some time later, she at first hadn’t a clue where she was.

  Squinting through the darkness, she rose unsteadily from the sofa. The room was empty. She stood for a moment, unsure what to do, then crossed to the door.

  Voices and laughter drifted from the adjoining rooms but of Louise and her family there was no sign. Jewel retraced her steps and dropped back on to the sofa, wincing as hammers of pain shot through her temples.

  She put her head in her hand. Fancy getting herself into this state; what had she been thinking? How much of that brandy had she consumed? Enough, that’s what. Lord, she felt rotten. Guilt added to the mix at movement inside her stomach. Sighing, she sent down a silent apology.

  After several more minutes of waiting for the women’s return to no avail, she swung her legs up and lay down. Nausea swooped then abated and she fell back into a fitful sleep.

  ‘Nay, not Maxwell, lass. Mick’s what I go by.’

  Jewel’s lips moved again and a frown accompanied the name when a hand stroked her hair.

  ‘All right, then, call me what tha likes. I ain’t much mithered, not really. Now, let’s see these fresh young titties you’ve got for me.’

  The gruff words slowly pulled Jewel back to the present. The clammy hand that sneaked inside her clothing and lifted out one of her breasts had her bolting upright as if she’d been scorched. Rigid with shock and horror and confusion, she could only gaze at the stranger’s red, stubbled face.

  ‘I’ll not hurt thee. I’ll suck them nice like Maxwell does—’

  ‘Get your foul hands off me, you bastard!’ Panting with fury, she lashed out with her fist but he caught her wrist before it could reach its mark. ‘I said, leave go of me!’

  ‘A regular viper, you are. Mebbe you like it rough instead, that it? Well, Mick don’t mind that – prefers it, in fact.’

  Before she had time to blink, the thickset man was on her, clawing at her chest, rubbery lips and ale-sodden breath on her neck. For a moment, overwhelming terror engulfed her. Then Benji’s face, the feel of him on her body, the jumble of devastating emotions she’d suffered since and still did burst from her in a scream of such a pitch that the man jerked up to look at her in surprise. Jewel took her chance. Raising her knee, she struck with all her might.

  Like a frozen corpse, he rolled from her, stiff face locked in shock, and crashed to the bare flags. Gasping and crying, she leapt away from him and bolted for the door. It opened as she reached out to grasp the knob and she let out another scream as she collided with Louise’s mother. The woman grasped her arm to stop her from falling then, eyes wide, took in the scene before her.

  ‘He … he … That filthy owd swine there tried … he tried to—’

  ‘Sweet baby Jesus – look!’ She cut off Jewel’s hysterical accusations to squawk to her daughters behind her. Pointing at the prostrate man, she doubled over, laughing, and the others followed suit. ‘Bloody daft sod got his stick slapped!’

  ‘Wha—?’ Jewel was aghast as they stumbled past her and flopped down on the sofas, tears of mirth running down their faces. ‘Did youse hear what I said? He tried—’

  ‘All right, screechy. Bloody hell.’ Bleary-eyed, Julia frowned across at her. ‘You could waken the dead in their graves with that gob.’

  ‘You gave him what for for his troubles, didn’t yer, so no harm done,’ added her mother.

  Even Louise’s voice carried a gin slur: ‘Aye, no harm done,’ she repeated.

  Jewel was lost for words. Still gripped in the throes of shock and fear, she was trembling from head to toe, and now fresh tears of injustice and frustration burned her eyes. She shook her head slowly. ‘What is wrong with you people?’

  ‘“You people”?’ Louise’s head jerked up. ‘Oh, like that, is it?’

  ‘And what’s that meant to mean?’

  The girl pushed herself from the sofa and placed her hands on her hips. ‘Don’t you look down your nose on me and my family, Jewel. Don’t you bloody dare. But for us, you’d be sleeping in the gutter the night with the sky pissing on your head!’

  Jewel opened her mouth but the retort never came. She pursed her lips and breathed deeply. For as much as she hated to admit it, Louise was right. They had come to her rescue, hadn’t they? They had taken her in when she’d had nowhere else to go. God help her, she was beholden to them. The truth deflated her. She dropped her gaze to the floor.

  ‘You calmed down now?’ asked Louise after some seconds.

  She nodded. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Forget it. Come on, come and sit down.’

  Jewel crossed the space, avoiding looking at the still-prone man as she passed, and took a seat on the sofa furthest from him.

  ‘He weren’t meant for thee.’ Louise prodded him in the ribs with the toe of her clog. ‘He were told to wait up here for our return – bloody landlord pounced on us in the hall demanding late rent, you see. We didn’t want this one growing bored and leaving, so sent him up in front. He must have spotted you and thought you were fair game, an’ all.’

  Jewel hid a shiver. ‘Don’t the landlord mind, then?’

  ‘Nay, so long as he gets a cut of what we earn on top of the rent.’

  ‘Oh.’ It was all she could find in way of response. God above, were there any morally sound people in Manchester? she wondered. Not from what she’d seen so far.

  ‘Right, then.’ Louise heaved a sigh then nudged her mother. ‘Rouse him, Mam, will thee? Let’s get him seen to and on his way, then we can all get some shut-eye.’

  ‘Aye, all right.’

  The sisters watched in amusement as the older woman shook him awake. After much groaning and cursing, she’d managed to get him sitting up propped against the sofa. ‘What were his name again?’ she asked the girls, who both thought for a moment then shrugged.

  ‘Nay, not Maxwell, lass. Mick’s what I go by.’ His words came back to haunt Jewel and she shuddered. However, she also knew a flush of shame, for how had he known the name special only to her unless he’d heard it from her lips? Had she spoken it in her sleep? Must have. She’d clearly been dreaming about him again, though for the life of her she couldn’t recall it. She was almost sad
dened by this. What she wouldn’t give right now to see his face …

  ‘Were it Rick?’ proffered Julia.

  ‘Mick,’ Jewel murmured. ‘His name’s Mick.’

  ‘Aye, that’s the one.’ Louise’s mother nodded then shook his shoulder. ‘Come on, Mick, my darling. Up tha gets.’

  ‘Huh, where am I?’ Seemingly unaffected by his topple to the hard floor – and, to Jewel’s relief, holding no memory of it – he lifted his cap and scratched his head.

  ‘Canal Street, of course.’

  Squinting, he tried to focus on her face. ‘Eh?’

  ‘It’s us, remember? We were supping with thee in t’ Colliers Arms on t’ corner?’

  Slowly, his face cleared. He flashed a slack smile. ‘Aye, that’s right. ’Ere, the other one … Louise, her name were. Where’s she, then?’

  ‘I’m here, lovey.’ Holding out her hands, she helped him to his feet. ‘Let’s get thee on t’ bed, shall we? It’s a sight comfier than this rotten floor.’

  ‘Ay, aye.’ A lustful growl escaped him as he pulled her closer. ‘I fancy that, lass.’

  ‘You sure you can manage it?’ Julia called across with a grin.

  Bobbing his head, the man puffed out his chest. ‘You’d better believe it. Why, you up for joining us, like?’

  Jewel had to swallow down her disgust – and it grew when the sisters turned to each other and shrugged.

  ‘Cost thee double, mind,’ piped their mother, eyes coming alive with the prospect of more money, and Jewel turned her face away with a grimace. Her very being was void of even the most basic of maternal instincts, had to be. Lord, she really was deplorable.

  ‘There you are.’ The man tossed several shillings on to the table. Swaying on the spot, he nodded once at her, and she nodded back. Then he held out his hands to her daughters.

  Giggling, they led him to the bed.

  After laying him down, Louise pulled across a length of curtain to afford them a modicum of privacy and, before she disappeared, she glanced across the room and her eyes met Jewel’s. The ghost of a smile, one of reassurance tinged with dull acceptance, touched the girl’s mouth. She broke the stare and returned to her customer.