A Mother's Dilemma

by Emma Hornby

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Aye. A daughter. I’d planned to have her adopted out but changed my mind. That’s where I went to the day: Manchester, fetching her home. It were wrong of me to just take off without your permission, but time was not on our side.’

  ‘But …’ Eyes dazed, he ran a hand through his hair. ‘When? How?’

  ‘She were born several weeks past. I lied, sir – there were no ailing aunt. That were an excuse to allow me to go away to have her in secret.’

  It was evident that he found the calmness in which she was delivering her responses just as baffling as the revelations themselves; his gaze had narrowed suspiciously. ‘All this … Jewel, is it some elaborate joke?’

  She shook her head. ‘That it ain’t. As to how … My cousin forced himself upon me the night of the town hall opening. You remember mentioning you’d seen him at the park, pouring away his own drink? He got me skenning and took my innocence.’ She swallowed a few times before continuing. ‘That day he arrived at your house and you opened the door to him? D’you remember, sir?’

  ‘Yes,’ Maxwell whispered.

  ‘It were to speak to me about brass I’d told him he must find to pay the adoption fee.’

  He rose and crossed to the fire. Grasping the corner of the mantel, he bowed his head. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘How could I? I couldn’t reveal it to a soul. Mam only discovered the truth this morning. She’s round there right now, having it out with him and his parents.’

  ‘I’ve a good mind to join her this instant and—’ He broke off and breathed deeply. ‘Your child?’

  ‘Upstairs soundly sleeping.’

  He was silent for a long moment. Then he turned to face her. ‘The incident with the cart.’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘This is the reason you wanted to end your life.’

  She nodded. ‘I could see no other option at the time.’

  On another breath, he closed his eyes. ‘Oh, Jewel.’

  ‘Yesterday, in the kitchen of your house, when you walked in on me crying …’ Colour pinched her cheeks at the mention of it. ‘I were missing the babby.’

  He visibly cringed. ‘Oh, Jewel,’ he murmured again.

  ‘But, sir?’ She rose and made towards him when he continued looking at the floor. ‘Sir. Look at me, please.’

  ‘Jewel …’

  ‘You helped ease the pain a little. Your kindness, warmth … It meant an awful lot.’

  ‘No.’

  She frowned. ‘Sir?’

  ‘No, Jewel. It wasn’t … I shouldn’t …’

  ‘What—?’

  ‘I wanted to kiss you.’ The words tumbled from him. ‘You were upset and I … I took advantage of you, I’m sorry.’

  Her breath came in short bursts. ‘Sir …’

  ‘I don’t know, cannot explain … I was drawn to you, Jewel, from the very start. Your vulnerability … I saw something in you I recognised. My feelings, they have deepened for you further this past …’

  Where Jewel found the courage, she couldn’t think – she pressed her lips to his, smothering his rant. After a few stunned moments, Maxwell enveloped her in his arms and kissed her back hungrily.

  Dizzying sensations touched every part of her; the only thing that was missing was fear. Her attempted seduction of Jem Wicks and her encounters with the Manchester men had brought back the ordeal like a hammer blow, but not now. This time, with this man, no harrowing memories of Benji’s assault crept in to mar it. Even when she felt Maxwell grow hard against her, she didn’t blanch. Only peace and light – and the fierce need to explore him further – consumed her, and she matched his furore completely.

  ‘Jewel …’

  ‘Please, don’t stop,’ she begged, drawing his mouth back to hers.

  A low growl escaped him as, grasping her buttocks, he drew her body closer. Then, with an obvious struggle, he pulled back once more. ‘Wait, Jewel, we—’

  Passion blazed through every inch of her. ‘What? What?’

  ‘God help me.’ His breathing was ragged. ‘This is taking every ounce of strength I possess, but we must … we must stop. We can’t. Not here, not like this.’

  Though she knew he spoke sense, frustration had her swinging away from him with a frown.

  ‘Jewel—’

  ‘Sorry. You’re right. I just …’ Feeling tears close by, she blinked desperately. ‘I wanted to enjoy this moment, even for just a few seconds longer, before … before it all ends. For it has to. This – us – it must stop here, I know it.’

  ‘That is what you want?’

  ‘Nay, never. It’s what must be.’

  ‘Why, Jewel?’

  Her emotions got the better of her and she crumpled. ‘Because of all I have told thee, of course. Everything that has happened. My daughter, remember? It would have been difficult enough without this; who we are … you being you, and me being who I’m not. Now, it’s impossible.’

  ‘Says who?’

  She lifted wet eyes to his. Something in his expression caused her heart to thump in hopeful disbelief.

  ‘You think I care a jot for convention? Jewel, you disappoint me; I thought you knew me better than that by now.’

  Her voice was barely above a whisper. ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘Isn’t it obvious? I love you. I need you. I want you, body and mind. Us, our children, a marriage, home. To spend together what days we have left on this earth side by side, hand in hand, heart to heart. That’s what I’m saying. I want it all. I only have to know that you do too.’ He took her hands and lifted them to his chest. ‘Say it. I must hear it from your lips.’

  Her shoulders heaved with elated sobs. ‘I want it,’ she mouthed.

  ‘Again.’

  ‘I want it!’ Now, it was a raw cry. Laughing, they threw themselves into each other’s arms.

  ‘Come with me, back to Mawdsley Street,’ said Maxwell when they drew apart.

  ‘This minute?’

  ‘Why not? Collect the child and let’s just go, start our life together this second. What’s stopping us?’

  Jewel accepted his kisses with a grin. ‘My love …’

  ‘Is that a yes?’

  ‘The morrow. I promise,’ she added when disappointment creased his eyes. ‘Tonight, I must be with Mam. We have much to discuss. I have to tell her about us. And I have to hear what’s occurred with the Powells. I need her to be all right with it all. You understand?’

  He held her closer. ‘I do.’

  ‘I love thee.’

  After a lingering goodbye, Jewel closed the door behind him and leaned against it, gazing at the ceiling, a smile caressing her lips. She wanted to bask in this fuzzy haze for ever. It was really happening! Maxwell Birch loved her back and, right now, here in this moment, all was magnificent with the world.

  She’d have given anything for it to remain so but, all too soon, footsteps outside reached her, heralding her mother’s return. Masking her regret, she opened the door to let her in.

  ‘How did it go, Mam?’

  ‘A sup of tea, lass.’

  Flora’s flat tone said it all. Dread rolling through her stomach, Jewel went to fulfil her request.

  ‘Mam?’ she pressed quietly when Flora was on her second cup. ‘Speak to me.’

  ‘Benji will be gone from here at first light.’

  Her eyebrows rose to meet her hairline. ‘Gone where?’

  ‘He’s to be packed off to Esther’s parents’, and that’s where he’s to stay. Mother of God, Bernard’s rage … He’s just whipped that boy with his belt to within an inch of his life. But for me – I intervened for my brother’s sake, aye, not that swine’s – I reckon he’d have done for him. Even Esther didn’t try and stop him.’

  Jewel derived no satisfaction from hearing this. She felt nothing, was numbed to the whole thing. ‘You mean they believe me, the two of them? Benji, he admitted it?’

  ‘Aye, on both counts.’

  ‘And
… the child? Will Uncle Bernard and Aunt Esther accept her?’

  Glancing to the stairs, Flora patted her hand. ‘They’ve had a holy shock and a lot to take in. Give them time, love.’

  Months of tension rose from her. She released a long, slow sigh.

  ‘It’s to the future we must look, now, my lass.’

  ‘Aye, Mam.’

  ‘We’ll see this through, me and thee.’

  ‘Mam?’

  ‘Aye?’

  ‘Mr Birch called whilst you were away. He wants to wed me, and I said yes.’

  Flora lowered her cup slowly. ‘The child …?’

  ‘He knows. He still wants me – wants us both. Oh, I’m that happy, Mam! I love him so very much.’

  ‘You do, aye, I see it.’ She stood and stroked her daughter’s hair. ‘I’m away to my bed.’

  Jewel was more than a little miffed. That’s all she had to say on the matter? ‘You’re all right, Mam?’

  ‘Aye. Tired, lass. It’s been a hell of a day, after all. I’ll line a drawer from the chest with a blanket to lay the babby in for tonight.’

  Watching the woman walk wearily to the stairs, overpowering love coursed through her. ‘Mam?’

  Flora turned to look at her.

  ‘You could never lose me, you know. Not to Sarah, nor Maxwell, nor anyone else. You’re my number one, allus shall be.’

  ‘Eeh, love.’

  ‘I feel better, you know, Mam. Now the truth of it all is out. Free of mind, aye. No more secrets, eh? No more lies. We must both promise never to keep owt from one another ever again.’

  Flora looked as if she’d say something. Then instead she nodded, smiled and continued on her way to bed.

  Curling into the familiar chair by the fire, Jewel wrapped her arms around herself with a sense of completeness. She felt whole, at last. The badness appeared to have got bored with her, and good had returned to take its place.

  Right now, nothing could touch her. She doubted that anything could go wrong ever again.

  Chapter 24

  ‘JUST LOOK AT you.’

  Blushing pink, Jewel smiled up at Maxwell shyly.

  He drew the bustline of her dress lower still, took her breasts in his slightly shaking hands and pressed his lips to hers.

  The nursemaid Lizzie had offered to take Jewel’s daughter along with her and Constance on their daily walk. The young miss’s perambulator, which she’d recently outgrown, had been brought down and fresh, warm blankets placed inside. The moment Jewel and Maxwell had waved Lizzie and the happy children off and closed the door, they had fallen into each other’s arms, right there in the hall. She’d given no protest when Maxwell had swept her up into his arms and carried her to the sofa in the drawing room.

  His mouth moved to cover her nipple and the last of her self-consciousness melted. She moaned in rapture. Head back, eyes closed, she ran her hands over his broad, bare shoulders.

  The desire he evoked in her amazed her still; she hadn’t thought it possible to know such exquisite sensations. The ravenous fire in her veins was building, and she knew that, if not for the fact she wasn’t yet healed completely from the birth, she’d have given herself to him in a heartbeat.

  As it was, they had to make do for now with caresses and kisses. And though she knew not a scrap of shame for it – nothing had ever felt so right – their union, they had both agreed, they would save for their wedding night. The strength to desist, however, was certain to prove a challenge. It was as though they had been searching for one another their whole lives and, now, their bodies knew instinctively that they had found the missing piece. She let her touch travel …

  Later, entwined in each other’s arms and in between kisses now slow and soft, they were discussing dates for their wedding when the front door rattled open. Like scorched cats, they dived apart and hurriedly corrected their clothing. Maxwell had just finished fastening the last button on his shirt when in breezed Roland.

  ‘Son. Hello.’

  Glancing from his father to Jewel, his eyes creased in curiosity. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Yes. Fine. All’s fine.’

  ‘All’s fine,’ chipped in Jewel. Her eyes met Maxwell’s briefly and, catching the amusement dancing in his, she bit her lip to quell a giggle.

  Roland’s brow smoothed out and the corner of his mouth twitched knowingly. ‘Ah. I see. Well, there’s something I need to be getting on with, so if you’ll excuse me …’

  When they were alone once more, Jewel covered her face with a groan. Chuckling, Maxwell removed her hands and kissed her soundly on the lips, and she couldn’t contain a laugh. ‘Oh, Lord. The shame!’

  ‘That was a close call, hm?’ He winked and she laughed again. ‘I think the time has come to make it official. We’ll announce our union properly, later, over dinner.’

  ‘He will be happy for us, won’t he?’

  ‘Oh, I’m certain. Roland’s an easy-minded lad. He’ll offer his blessing, you’ll see.’

  ‘Mam knows; I told her last night.’

  ‘How did she take it?’

  Jewel frowned slightly in remembrance. ‘Surprisingly well. What I mean is, she didn’t really say anything.’

  ‘Could it be she’s displeased?’

  ‘Nay, nay. I know Mam; she’d have said outright were she not consenting.’

  ‘Then you must invite her to dine with us tonight. Hopefully, I can make her see that my feelings for you are true and that my only mission in life from this day is to make her daughter happy.’

  Jewel’s breast swelled with love. Then the problem that had nagged her since last night gnawed at her conscience and she lowered her head.

  ‘Jewel? What is it?’

  ‘There’s summat you should know, summat I’ve recently discovered …’ Would the telling change things? Would he see her differently when it came to light his future wife was born out of wedlock? She took a shaky breath. ‘Flora Nightingale ain’t my mam. My real mother weren’t capable of caring for me and gave me up. Flora raised me instead, as her own.’

  ‘My darling …’ Maxwell shook his head. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.’

  ‘I’m illegitimate.’

  ‘Jewel, Jewel. I care naught for that.’

  ‘You don’t?’

  ‘No. None of it is your fault.’

  Relief washed through her. ‘I – I thought you’d view me differently.’

  ‘Dearest love.’ He took her in his arms. ‘Your father, do you know …?’

  ‘Nay.’ Her voice dropped. ‘A resident, someone passing through … he could have been anyone. Sarah has no way of knowing. She … was a prostitute.’

  Maxwell nodded slowly in understanding.

  ‘But she’s vowed to change, she has, and I believe she can. She’s free from the foul influences of before and has the support of good friends. So long as she steers clear of her old haunts around Canal Street, she’ll do just fine, I know it.’

  ‘Canal Street?’

  ‘That’s where she lived. It’s in Manchester.’

  ‘Yes, I thought it sounded familiar. I’ve seen the street name in passing when visiting my sister.’ He pulled a guilty face. ‘Truth be told, I ought to call on her more often. But what with work and Constance … Roland, however, journeys regularly. They are quite close. She’s been a great support to him, as well as to me, over the years. His mother’s death affected him deeply and he often stayed with his aunt thereafter. The change of scene did him the world of good.’

  ‘When was this?’ A terrible, terrible feeling had struck her and, as she awaited his answer, she held her breath, hoping, praying …

  ‘It shall be twenty years next summer that Roland’s mother passed.’

  Her heart had begun to thump. ‘And how long did his stays with Mrs Kirkwood go on for?’

  ‘Jewel?’

  ‘Please. Tell me.’

  ‘Several years; but I don’t see what any of this—’<
br />
  Dragging a hand across her mouth, she rose to her feet. ‘So, say … eighteen, nineteen, years ago, he would have been there, in Manchester, around that particular area when … when …’

  ‘When what?’

  ‘When I was conceived,’ she whispered.

  Maxwell’s puzzled frown melted. His mouth fell open. ‘Surely you’re not suggesting what I think you are. That Roland … and this Sarah you mentioned …? No. No, you’re wrong, you are—’

  ‘You know what your son’s like where women are concerned. He’s a thirst for skirt that can’t be quenched – no doubt it’s been that way most of his life. He’d have been – what? – around my age now at the time that Sarah got caught with me? A young man filled with urges – ones that streetwalkers aplenty would have been only too willing to satisfy …?’

  ‘No. This is madness, it is, it—’

  ‘Ask him. Find out if he ever used the services of the women of Canal Street.’ She rushed to Maxwell and clutched his hands when he shook his head. ‘I beg of thee. Please. Ask him, to be sure.’

  ‘Jewel, I can’t just—’

  ‘Please,’ she pressed. ‘For should there be the slightest possibility, then you know what that means, don’t you? Mother of God, you could be … We …’

  Sheer horror passed across his face. He sucked in air sharply.

  ‘Seek him out. Go now, Maxwell!’

  He made a dash for the door.

  The next few torturous minutes seemed like hours. Then the door opened and she lifted her eyes in dread.

  The man she loved stood frozen in the doorway. His ashen face confirmed her fears for him.

  No …

  ‘Roland said yes. He said yes, Jewel.’

  *

  ‘Tell Lizzie when she returns to fetch the child to Mam’s.’

  ‘Wait.’

  ‘I must leave!’

  ‘Wait,’ Maxwell insisted when Jewel attempted to flee the room. ‘Christ’s sake, we can’t leave things like this. We have to discuss it, sort out what the hell we’re to do!’

  ‘What we’re to do?’ she asked incredulously. Tears streamed down her face. ‘I think we’ve done enough, don’t you!’ Her arms folded instinctively across her chest and she shuddered. ‘My God, what we’ve done together the day … I feel sick!’