A Year of Second Chances

by Buffy Andrews

  I knocked on the door. First gently then with more force. I heard the door knob jiggle and Mike opened the door. He looked awful. Bags under his eyes and a few days’ growth on his chin and cheeks. He was wearing sweats and an old gray T-shirt I recognized from our college days.

  “Hi, Scarlett.”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Sure.”

  I stepped into his apartment, which looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned in months. The floor was littered with stacks of newspapers and magazines and clothing. “Mike, I thought you had a cleaning lady.”

  “I do. Gloria’s visiting her daughter in California.”

  “I can tell. Have you eaten anything today?”

  “Some toast. Food just doesn’t taste good to me.”

  “Here, let me help.”

  I walked with Mike back to his bedroom, which looked even messier than the living room. Clothes covered the floor and I sneezed, probably from the inch of dust on the dresser.

  I checked the kitchen, but there was little in his pantry and even less in his refrigerator. A couple of eggs and some moldy bread were all I could find. And when I checked the expiration date on the eggs, they were a month old.

  I walked back to Mike. “Listen, Mike. The kids are worried about you. And looking at this place, they have a reason to be. I promised them I’d look after you. It’s obvious you need help. Why don’t you stay with me until Gloria returns from visiting her daughter? That way I can keep an eye on you and you’re not alone.”

  I could tell by his silence he was considering the offer. “But I don’t want to be a nuisance.”

  “You won’t be. You’ll have your own bedroom, own bathroom. I’ll be there in the morning and at night. But at least I have more to eat than a couple pieces of moldy bread and expired eggs.”

  Mike nodded. “Then I’ll pay you.”

  “I don’t want your money. I’m doing this for the kids. They need you.”

  I could see tears pool in his eyes. “So you’re not doing it for me?”

  “Well, of course I’m doing it for you. I care about you. I want you to get better.”

  “But you no longer love me.”

  “That ship sailed a long time ago, Mike. But it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or want the best for you. I want you to get better.”

  “Sometimes I wonder if I got sick because of what I did to you. Kind of like payback.”

  “Oh, Mike, don’t think that. There are a lot of people who get sick. It’s not God’s way of punishing you for what you’ve done. Think about children who get cancer. Innocent children. Sometimes life deals us a hand that sucks, but you can’t throw in the cards. You have two wonderful children who need their dad. They might be adults now, but they need you in their life.”

  Mike started to cry and I sat down on the bed beside him. I rubbed his back. “Let me help you.”

  Suddenly it occurred to me that Mike was like that butterfly with crumpled wings. It couldn’t fly because a parasite had infected its body. It would never fly. But I hoped Mike’s story would end differently. He had a chance to beat the parasite. And I was willing to help him.

  Later that night, after I’d made Mike a toasted cheese sandwich and tomato soup and helped him to bed, I called Tory and David to tell them their father was staying with me, at least until Gloria returned. I’d brought the clothes I’d picked up off the floor and washed them and left the rest of the apartment for Gloria to tackle when she returned.

  “So, how is he?” Tory asked. “As bad as he sounded?”

  I’d never lied to my kids and I wasn’t going to start now. “Your instincts were right, Tory. He needed help.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I know it’s uncomfortable for you.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “I’ll be home next week to visit.”

  That night, after Muffin and I went to bed, I pulled out the list to look at everything I’d accomplished so far. I’d crossed off:

  Take a road trip with my bestie

  Do one thing I’m scared of

  Dance in the rain

  Go horseback riding

  Do something unexpected

  Try something adventurous

  What did I want to do next?

  Chapter 25

  I heard Mike before I saw him the next morning. He was vomiting in the bathroom when I walked by. I was thankful today was the last day of his chemo cycle. He’d have a week to rest before it started all over again. He’d already lost all of his hair and had been complaining of mouth sores and loss of appetite. I knew these side effects were common and tried to reassure him things would get better.

  I was eating my morning yogurt when I heart his feet shuffle across the hardwood floors. He walked into the kitchen. “Good morning, Scarlett.”

  I stood. “Do you think you can eat some toast today?”

  Mike shook his head. “I didn’t know it was possible to feel this lousy.” He pulled out a chair and sat.

  “You’ll get a break after today. And Tory will be coming home to visit, so that should lift your spirits.”

  Mike smiled. “Are you sure you’re okay with my staying here?”

  “Yes. I don’t even see you that much.” It was true. After work I went to the gym. Mike had hired someone to take him to and from chemo and I always made sure I had food he could warm up in the microwave.

  “Do you want me to fix you a shake?”

  “I don’t even have the appetite for that. Everything that once tasted good tastes bad.”

  “I know, but you have to keep up your strength.” I’d bought some cans of nutritional drink and when Mike didn’t feel like eating, I opened a can of that.

  I put my bowl in the dishwasher.

  “You really look great, Scarlett.”

  I turned around. “Thanks. I feel great.” The truth was, I’d never felt better, but I didn’t want to say that to Mike. And I wished I wouldn’t have said great. I realized how insensitive that was and felt badly about it.

  I opened the can of meal supplement and handed it to him. “Drink all of it.”

  Mike took a sip. “It tastes like cardboard.”

  “Do you want me to put some vanilla extract or chocolate syrup in it?”

  Mike shook his head.

  “So, what time are you being picked up for chemo?”

  “Around nine.”

  “Are you going to be okay here for an hour?”

  Mike waved his hand. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

  I left for the office after making sure Mike had drunk the protein shake. I made a mental note to stop at the library on the way home and pick up some movies. Mike had mentioned he’d exhausted the decent movies he could watch on TV. I thought I might be able to find a few titles to hold him over. If he felt better next week, maybe he’d be up for a drive. The leaves were starting to change color and I thought he’d enjoy the fall splendor.

  Shonna called me on the way to work and I told her Mike was staying with me.

  “I feel bad for him, I do. But after all he’s done to you, and now you’re the one taking care of him. I know I sound like a callous bitch, but you know, if the situation were reversed, he wouldn’t be taking care of you.”

  I knew Shonna was right. Even when we were married and I was sick he didn’t take care of me. “I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for the kids. It’s their father and they asked me to. At the end of the day, I need to live with myself.”

  “You always were so much nicer than me,” Shonna said. “I just don’t want you to be taken advantage of.”

  I changed subjects. “So, did you get the photos of my tattoo?”

  “Yes, and I love it. It’s perfect. I like that it’s about the size of a half dollar. Not too big. Small and delicate. And I love how he incorporated 66 into the wings.”

  “I agree. Bryce did a great job. I’m scaling back on my exercise a bit until it he
als, but it should be good by the time I run the 10K with David.”

  “You’re running a 10K? You go, girlfriend!”

  I explained that David was coming home to visit and had asked me to run the race with him. “I’m up to running five miles comfortably and it’s only a little over a mile more.”

  “Good for you. Anything new on the store front?”

  “I’ve made some progress in terms of cleaning up the space, but, to be honest, there’s a lot more to opening a small business than I thought. So I’m still in the research phase. I scheduled a meeting with a mentor from a local business incubator. We’ll see. It’s definitely not going to be something that happens overnight.”

  As soon as I arrived at work, my boss called me into his office. “Scarlett, I wanted you to know first. I don’t think it’s any secret that Dad and I have wanted to expand our business. We’ve just been looking for the right opportunity. Well, we found it. We’ve bought a small company in Florida we think has great potential. Dad’s asked me to run it so I’ll be relocating. I’d like you to come with me.”

  I felt like I’d been jumped from behind. I hadn’t seen this coming. My hand flew to my chest. “Wow, I knew you were looking to expand, but I thought you were looking for business opportunities nearby.”

  “Initially, we were,” James said. “But when this company became available, we couldn’t pass it up. You’ve been my executive assistant since I started, and I’d really like to have you by my side as I take this on.”

  I let out a heavy sigh. “But I just moved.”

  James held up his hand. “I know. The timing could be better. But the company will pay to relocate you and to take the property you just bought off your hands.”

  I sat back in the chair and listened as more details unfolded. I agreed, it sounded like a great opportunity and a sound business decision. And, this was a biggie, it was in Naples, only an hour from my parents. “When do I need to give you my answer?”

  James rubbed his neck. “I can give you until the end of the week.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I guess I have a lot to think about.”

  That night I went to the gym to walk on the treadmill. I needed to think and sometimes, when I didn’t have to worry about where I was walking and could just go on autopilot, my mind could wander.

  Shonna had suggested I write down all of the reasons I should and shouldn’t go. This was a major life decision, and I knew I needed to give it careful consideration. Not only had James arranged for the company to move me and buy my house, but he’d also offered a $10,000 bonus and a healthy raise.

  Mike was lying on the couch watching TV when I walked in the door. I went in and sat across from him. “Have you eaten anything today?”

  “A little.”

  I placed the movies I’d picked up at the library on the way home on the coffee table. “I thought you might like these.”

  Mike sat up. “Thanks.” He shuffled through the DVDs. “These all look great.”

  I smiled. “I remembered how much you liked John Wayne.”

  “Damn, Scarlett. Why are you so nice?”

  I furrowed my brows. “Uh, not sure how to answer that. I mean, I am who I am.”

  “That’s my point. What happened to us?”

  “You screwed your secretary.”

  Mike grimaced. “Guess I deserved that. But you know our marriage had started to sour way before that. I was lonely. You were so wrapped up in the kids you didn’t notice me. I needed you, too.”

  “Well, you should’ve put the kids first, too. But you didn’t. You put yourself first. We did what you wanted to do. We went on the vacations you wanted to go on.” I pointed to the movies lying on the coffee table. “Watched the movies you wanted to watch. I don’t know, Mike. Maybe it’s because you were an only child and never had to compromise with a sibling. But our world revolved around you and your needs and wants. We were a part of that when it suited you. I just got tired of trying and realized you’d never change. It’s who you are. I needed more.”

  Mike sat perfectly still and listened as I poured out my heart and spoke perhaps more openly to him than I ever had. He sniffed and his eyes turned teary. “I had no idea you hated me so much.”

  “I don’t hate you, Mike. Look, I don’t want to hurt you. Why are we even talking about the past anyway? We can’t go back and change it.”

  Mike nodded. “True. We can’t change it. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could. You’re right. I was a jerk. Am a jerk.”

  “No, don’t do that. Don’t beat yourself up. That’s life. There’s good in it and bad in it and the best you can do is learn from it and move on and be the best person you can be and live the best life you can live.”

  Mike scanned the room and his eyes settled on the huge seashell sitting on the fireplace mantel next to photos of the kids. “You still have that shell.”

  I smiled.

  “I remember the day you found it. You were like a kid on Christmas morning. We were walking along the beach on our honeymoon when we stumbled upon it. It was right there. Sitting in the sand.” Mike’s hand swept the air in front of him. “Waiting to be discovered. You picked it up and held it to your heart.”

  I nodded as the memory filled me with warmth. “And you couldn’t believe that such a large and beautiful shell could be found on such a busy beach. That people had walked by and, apparently, no one had noticed it or, if they had, thought it worthwhile picking it up.”

  Mike sniffed. “You’re like that shell, Scarlett. And I’m like all those passers-by, rushing to get where they’re going, never slowing down to see what’s right in front of them. I missed the shell, Scarlett. You were there all along.”

  “Mike, stop it. It doesn’t do any good to beat yourself up.”

  “I’m not. But I’m man enough to say some things I should’ve said a long time ago. There’s nothing like cancer to put things in perspective.”

  That night, I got a glimpse of the man I’d fallen in love with. It was only when he’d shed the armor he’d built around him that I started to see the heart inside. Like the Tin Man, it was always there.

  I crawled into bed and picked up a tablet and drew a line down the first page. At the top, I wrote Go and Don’t Go.

  On the Go side I wrote:

  More money

  Closer to Mom and Dad

  No shoveling snow

  Fresh start

  Able to run outside all year long without freezing

  Opportunities like this don’t come along very often

  Love my boss

  Again, more money

  On the Don’t Go side I wrote:

  Farther away from Tory

  Just bought the house

  Another big change

  Giving up boutique idea

  As I looked at the two columns, my eyes fell on being farther away from Tory. Right now it took me four hours to drive to Tory’s. If I moved, it would take me twenty. Of course, if I made more money, I could afford to fly and be there in less than three hours.

  It would be nice to be closer to Mom and Dad. I’d get to see them more and who knew how long they’d live. Their health was relatively good, but I’d seen how quickly that could take a turn for the worse.

  I did love working for James. I wasn’t sure I’d ever find another boss who treated me so well. It was another big change, but wasn’t change what I’d asked for? And who said I couldn’t open a boutique in Naples. My mind started spinning as I imagined selling the vintage items I’d found at auctions and sales here down there. I could probably make four times as much. But it would probably cost me ten times as much for store space.

  I went back and forth between the two columns for more than an hour. I thought about the slip of paper I’d pulled out of my fortune cookie: Now is the time to try something new. I didn’t have to give James my answer until Friday. That was four days away, and I knew they were going to be a tou
gh four days.

  I pulled out my list and looked at items numbers four and five: Have a career I love and make lots of money.

  James was offering me both.

  Chapter 26

  Shonna called the next day and asked if I’d made a decision. I told her about my sleepless night and read off the Go and Don’t Go lists.

  “What’s really stopping you, Scarlett?”

  I hated that Shonna knew me so well. I took a deep breath, afraid to utter the word because I knew she’d go ballistic.

  “Mike.”

  “I knew it. You don’t owe him anything. Your whole married life you put him and the kids first. And what did he do? Had an affair with his secretary. No. I’m sorry. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy.”

  “I know. You’re right. I don’t want him back. Once a cheater always a cheater. But I do feel responsible for him in a way.”

  “Why?”

  “Guilt, maybe.”

  “What’s there to feel guilty about? You weren’t the one who screwed someone else while you were married.”

  “I know, but I wasn’t exactly the best wife.”

  “Oh, no. Don’t go there. Don’t let him make you feel as if you were inadequate. He doesn’t get a free pass. He doesn’t deserve a get out of jail free card. He fucked up. He made his choice. And now he has to live with it.”

  I’d known Shonna would explode. After all, she was the one who’d spent days trying to console me after I came home and found Mike in our bed with another woman. He’d thought I was out of town, but I came home a day early.

  “Can we talk about something else?”

  Shonna sighed. “Yes, but whatever decision you make, make it because it’s what you want. Not because you feel guilty. Not because you feel you should. For once in your life, do something for yourself.”

  “I am. That’s what the list is all about. I’m doing things for myself. But it’s hard when what you do can affect so many people.”

  “Like who?”

  “Tory and David.”

  “They’re grown kids. They’ll visit you wherever you are.”