Spotlight on Love

by Maxene Novak

  How many times might we have been seen acting too friendly together, or the guys coming and going from my bus or hotel room? Thank God Shane and Jessie had never needed to get room keys for my room because a guard was always there to let them in instead. Otherwise who knew how many concierges and other hotel front desk staff could have earned a few bucks from the paps too.

  But the news would break. It always did. I had just been too stupid and desperate to feel good, too needy for the distraction and emotional and physical bliss, too friggin lonely to avoid the disaster this time.

  I had to end this. The end of the American tour was going to end it in a few days anyway. But until then, it hurt too damn much to even look at Shane and Jessie to keep this going for even that long.

  And while Jessie probably hadn’t meant to, and obviously from the way he was acting now had no clue what he’d done, he’d pretty much broken my heart today.

  And Shane would do the same when we said goodbye at the end of this week.

  This was it. Tonight had to be our private goodbye.

  I couldn’t face any more drama, however, not on top of everything else. This would be painful enough as it was. So I wouldn’t tell them this was goodbye. I just wanted to be with them this one last night, for us all to pretend one last time that this fantasy was our reality. I wanted to get lost in the dream.

  Just one last time.

  But I wouldn’t have the strength to do this without crying if I didn’t move now.

  I raised my head, finding Shane openly staring at me with drawn eyebrows, his eyes dark and clouded. He knew, or at least suspected.

  Feeling the waves in the water, Jessie opened his eyes and slowly raised his head to look at both of us.

  “Take me to bed?” I murmured, my words coming out raw and half strangled past the knot in my throat.

  I’d given them so much power over my heart. And now my heart was going to pay the highest price.

  ***

  Shane

  I felt the slightest dip in the bed when Sabrina got up later that night. At first, I thought she was headed for the bathroom. Then I heard the whisper of the door open and shut. I tried to tell myself that she was just getting a drink of water from the suite’s kitchenette. But deep down, I knew better.

  She’d been wordlessly saying goodbye all night. We’d both known it right from the start in the tub. The moment I’d looked her in the eye, I’d known. This was it. The tour had a few more days left. But this, here tonight, was the end of us.

  After a couple of minutes, I felt Jessie shift beside me, sit up, look around for Sabrina, then pad naked over to the door and step out. He left the door ajar, and I could see him walk over to where she was sitting on the couch, lit by the glow of a table side lamp. She whispered for him to go back to sleep, that she’d just wanted to write something that had come to her before she forgot it. And the poor sap believed her, bending over to kiss her temple for a few lingering seconds before he disappeared into the bathroom.

  She continued writing, the pen a soft scratch in the quiet suite for a few seconds. She stood up, and as she moved past the open door, I could see she was dressed. She looked at the open bedroom doorway, and I wondered if she could see me lying there watching her, everything inside me tensed for the blow. She looked at the bathroom door for a second. Then she moved on past.

  The suite’s entrance door softly clicked open then clicked shut. And she was gone.

  And I felt all the air rush out of my body as harshly as if I’d just been hit by a huge, invisible force.

  ***

  Jessie

  I returned to the bed, lying down beside Shane so Sabrina would have an open spot on the other side of the bed closest to the living room door when she was done writing her latest song. I settled in, letting my foot nearest Shane flop over and rest against his beneath the covers. He didn’t jump like usual, as if awake and expecting the contact. And he was breathing weird, shallow, fast and harsh. Was he having a nightmare?

  Rolling over, I grabbed his shoulder and shook him a little. “Hey, wake up, Shane. It’s just a dream. You’re alright.”

  He reached up surprisingly fast and swatted my hand away. “I’m already awake.”

  Okay. “You alright? You sounded like you were breathing weird.”

  Silence. Then, “She’s gone.”

  I frowned, forgetting he couldn’t see me in the darkness. “What? Who?”

  “Sabrina.”

  Huh? Maybe he was still asleep and sleep talking or something. “Shane, she’s right there in the other room. Are you sure you’re awake?”

  “Go look for yourself.”

  Sitting up, I scrubbed both hands over my face. “Dude, I just saw her on my way to the bathroom. She’s working on a song.”

  “Probably more like a goodbye letter.”

  I froze, a chill rushing over my skin as I twisted to look at his shadowed profile. “What are you talking about? Why would she be writing a—”

  “Because of your fucking tweet to that fan earlier tonight maybe? Or maybe she just realized what you should have when all this first got started…that this was doomed right from the start.”

  I sat there, my ears straining for any sound of her pen on the hotel notepad I’d seen her writing on just a few minutes ago. But the suite was dead quite other than the sound of Shane’s and my breathing.

  I leaned forward, looking through the partially opened door, and realized I couldn’t see her in the living area.

  Fear surged through me as I jumped up and hurried over to throw the door the rest of the way open. But she was nowhere in sight.

  Shane wasn’t lying or dreaming. This nightmare was real. Sabrina had just walked out on us without a word of warning.

  I rushed into the bathroom, grabbing and pulling on my jeans. I found my phone, checking it for a call or text of explanation from her as I hurried out into the main area of the suite.

  Then I saw that notepad, now covered in what looked like a hasty scrawl of words, sitting on the kitchenette’s counter. I snatched it up and read it.

  We knew it couldn’t last forever. But I hope tonight and all the nights we’ve shared before now will mean as much to the both of you as I know they will for me.

  See you on the stage.

  Love,

  S

  No. We still had three or four more days on the tour. I’d planned on using those days to convince her and Shane that we needed to keep this thing between us going. I’d thought we’d work together to come up with a plan that would allow us to keep seeing each other. Maybe we could join her in a nonperforming role for the rest of her tour overseas, then see where things led from there.

  We should have had months more together. Tonight was not supposed to be the end of it.

  And Shane had seen her leave.

  I would deal with that betrayal later. First, I had to stop her.

  I rushed out of the suite, not even realizing or caring that I was barefoot and shirtless until I was in the elevator and on my way down to the lobby. Screw it. At this hour of the morning, nobody but the front desk staff would probably be around anyway.

  As soon as the door slid open, I ran out looking around, hoping she’d still be at the front desk checking out. But the lobby was empty, only a uniformed man behind the desk. He looked up in surprise. I ignored him and ran for the front revolving door, bursting out onto the cold cement sidewalk in the cool night air.

  There wasn’t a car in sight.

  She was long gone.

  But at least I knew where she was headed. After all, we still had three more performances to give on this tour.

  Cold fear quickly warmed and turned to burning fury as I stalked back across the cold marble lobby floor to the elevator. It was all I could do not to punch the walls as I waited for the elevator to return me to the suite. Calling for an Uber car kept me busy till the elevator stopped at our floor. When I got to the door, I realized I didn’t have a room key and of course the bod
yguard was gone with Sabrina. So I had to knock on the door to get Shane to let me in.

  As soon as he opened the door, I strongly considered punching him. The only thing that stopped me was the raw grief in his eyes as he stepped aside, half dressed, to let me in.

  “You fucking asshole,” I ground out as I tore through the living room towards the bathroom to get the rest of my clothes. “I can’t believe you just laid there and watched her leave and didn’t even try to fucking stop her!”

  I ripped the neckline of my favorite vintage t-shirt as I pulled it on over my head. Didn’t matter. Socks. Shoes. Time to leave.

  “Why stop her? She was just being the adult and handling this the best way she could.”

  I stopped, my hand on the doorknob of the suite’s entrance door, momentarily struck wordless by his reply. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  His arms crossed over his chest. “We all knew where this was headed. We’re not a bunch of kids, Jessie. Your betraying her trust by telling the whole world about her being sick was probably just the reminder she needed that none of this was going anywhere.”

  I got up in his face. “It could have. I was planning on talking her into—”

  “Into what, running around all over the world with us in tow? Come on, man. She knew we had our own careers to deal with here. She gave yours the boost it needed. Don’t make her give more than she’s got to give.”

  If he kept talking, I wasn’t going to be able to stop myself from punching him. “That’s bullshit! We weren’t making any demands. If anything, we were the ones giving everything to her. She needs us just as much as we need her. And don’t you stand there and fucking lie to my face that you don’t need her too.”

  He didn’t say anything, shutting down on me, and even that made me want to grab him and shake him.

  Unbelievable. “Of all the fucking times to stop being a control freak…” I yanked the door open, not looking back. “Quit on this if you have to. But I’m not giving up yet.”

  “Do you really think she’s going to want forever with someone who’s just using her for the career boost?”

  I stopped, gripping the knob because it was the only thing holding me back now, my entire body shaking with a rage that threatened to become uncontrollable if I let go. When I dared to speak again, I said, “I never used sex with her for my career. And she knows that. And you should too.”

  “Are you sure? Are you sure that wasn’t the real reason for all that fake tweeted outrage?”

  One second I was standing there in the doorway. The next, my fist was slamming into his cheek. He stumbled backwards, reflexively grabbing his face, his eyes dark and narrow, considering.

  “Go ahead,” I told him. “Hit me back. But you fucking know the truth. Maybe I shouldn’t have told the world she was sick. Maybe she should have done that herself, instead of letting her so-called fans rule her whole fucking life and make her hide who she really is. I screwed up, and I can’t take it back, and I’m not sure I even want to. But you let her walk out on us tonight. And you didn’t even try to stop her. And you know why? Because you’re in love with her just like I am, but you’re just as afraid of rejection as she is. You’re afraid you couldn’t stop her no matter what you said. Because you’re afraid she loves me more than she loves you—”

  Pain exploded across my jaw and mouth as his fist slammed into my face. I bent over, breathing through the pain, trying not to smile because this meant I was right. Shane never lost control, not like this.

  I walked over to the kitchenette’s sink, spit out a mouthful of blood, grabbed a towel, and pressed it to my mouth to keep from dripping all over the place.

  When I felt in control again, I turned and walked out of the hotel.

  ***

  I stood in the arena parking lot where Sabrina’s bus had once been parked, my phone pressed to my ear, a very sleepy and confused tour manager on the other end of the connection. “What do you mean she decided to leave early?”

  The manager started to stammer something, but I slammed a finger on the button to end the call. Then I dropped my head back and hissed out a very long curse with all the breath inside my lungs.

  Sabrina wasn’t going to make this easy.

  But I had the advantage. We still had three more shows to do together. And I knew she’d never bail on her fans, even if she was trying to bail on us.

  ***

  Shane

  It hurt to watch Jessie fight the end almost as much as it hurt that it was actually ending. He was such an eternal optimist, he simply refused to see reality. In Jessie’s world, anything he wanted he could always get, even if he had to work hard for it. Hard work he could handle.

  Rejection, not so much.

  Which was what made his accusations almost funny. Because while he was accusing me of being unable to face rejection, he was the half-dressed maniac running around barefoot through a classy hotel chasing after the woman who’d just broken our hearts.

  Because he was right. I was in love with Sabrina. And him, even if he was acting like a romantic idiot.

  Which was why it hurt to see his heart breaking almost as much as it hurt to lose Sabrina.

  But I also loved him enough not to try and stop him. If fighting the end was his only way of dealing with it, then that was what he must need.

  So I sat back and watched as Sabrina ducked us the following day, getting her sound check done an hour before we even showed up for the originally scheduled time. Her bus wasn’t even at the venue, supposedly somewhere else in the city to hide her from the paparazzi that was frothing at the gates trying to interview anyone they could about Jessie’s Twitter storm over her and her secret illness.

  But he and I knew who she was really hiding from.

  She showed up at the arena just in time to walk on stage and perform the transitional duet with him. Only this time, what had sounded for the entire tour like a falling in love song suddenly became a sad breakup song. It was ironic in hindsight that the same lyrics that had begged her to forgive him for coming on too strong at the beginning of an implied relationship now equally applied to a man who was begging for another chance after just being handed his heart.

  And still he tried. From what I heard afterward from several stage crew members, Jessie tried to talk to her during her meet and greet after her part of the show ended. But her guard worked with a couple of other security guys to haul him off. It was a huge scene that even made a fast splash on YouTube thanks to several fans in line for autographs who were fast with their phone cameras.

  And as soon as her meet and greet was over, she was hustled out a back door into a waiting car and back to wherever her bus was hiding out for the night. Though I had a hunch she was probably having her driver take her to the next venue’s city early again.

  I tried to talk to Jessie, tried to get him to see reason. But he wouldn’t even listen, just shaking me off and stomping off to some local dive bar to get rip roaring drunk.

  The next day, he showed up still half-drunk for sound check, looking like shit and smelling like he’d bathed in three different kinds of alcohol.

  He looked exactly like I felt and was doing everything I wished I had the guts to do right along with him. But he wasn’t just right about my being in love with Sabrina and him. I was also terrified of screwing up everything the Drakes and I had worked so hard to make of ourselves. And in the end, all it would earn me was the same rejection and heartbreak. So what was the point of trying?

  This time, it was the tour manager who pulled him aside and advised him that making multiple scenes would only push Sabrina further away.

  Whatever specific words the manager said must have gotten through to him. Because that was when Jessie gave up.

  I’d been braced for him to keep playing the crazed stalker ex. But when he showed up for our second to last show later that night, he’d clearly showered and changed into clean clothes. He still looked like shit…it was the wrecked and haunted look in his
eyes that gave away the truth. But at least he was holding it together better. He did his show, woodenly but at least fulfilling his end of the contract. He forced a few polite smiles for the fans at his meet and greet. Then he disappeared into the bunk of one of the stage crew busses, where I found him later that night.

  “Hey,” I said, leaning a shoulder against the side of his bunk. “Want to grab a beer?”

  He stared at the bunk’s ceiling for a half a minute, and I was sure he’d turn me down. But finally he rolled up and out of the bunk.

  I slung an arm around his shoulders once we were in the parking lot and headed over to the band’s rental car. He turned his head and looked at me, one eyebrow arched. “Aren’t you worried the paps will see you and out you to the world?”

  I debated lying then realized he knew me too well. So I went with the truth. “Kind of. But fuck them. This is my life, not theirs.” I waited until we’d walked a few more steps and reached the car. Once inside and buckled in, I made the rest of my confession. “Besides, it’s bad enough losing Sabrina. Not sure I can handle losing you too.”

  We sat there in silence. Suddenly Jessie reached over, grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me over for a rough, bruising kiss.

  Nothing else had to be said. So I started the car. “Want to Google a good local bar to get wasted in?”

  His eyebrows shot up. “You, lose control in a public place?”

  I managed a grim smile as I steered us towards the gated exit. “What can I say? Sometimes self-control’s overrated.”

  ***

  We both got trashed out of our minds. And paid dearly for it during our final show. I could see Jessie on stage, sweating buckets, probably trying not to puke up his guts all over the stage before the fans. When Sabrina came out on stage for their duet, he seemed to pick a spot over her shoulder to stare at for the duration of the torture until he could make his escape.