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The Black Dagger Brotherhood: An Insider's Guide (the black dagger brotherhood)

Page 39

by Дж. Р. Уорд


  *pauses and leans back in*

  You know I am happy for you, right? Very happy…yeah, this has been a long time in coming.

  *shakes head*

  RHAGE

  Funny…I’m not like you, I don’t see into the future and shit.

  Rut somehow…now…I know for sure yours is a good one.

  Later, my brother.

  *******************FINIS*********************

  VALENTINE’S DAY WITH THE BOB

  February 19, 2007

  J R WARD

  Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…

  As usual, I was wrong.

  V is going to be bigger than Butch.

  At this point, I would bet the finished MS will come in at about 600 pages. Butch was 582 or something.

  *sigh*

  VISHOUS (in the Pits living room)

  Smoke that cop.

  BUTCH O’NEAL (in his bedroom at the Pit)

  Bigger ain’t better, roomie.

  VISHOUS

  Said the pencil to the baseball bat.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Maybe you’re just fat. I mean, now that you’re all in love and shit, you prolly just sissy around daydreaming and eating bonbons.

  Hey, didn’t I see a bunch of Lindt wrappers around your bed?

  VISHOUS

  Speaking of bonbons, why don’t you fess up what you did for Marissa for Valentine’s Day.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Don’t change the subject.

  Why front? Look, there’s nothing wrong with lying around, staring at the ceiling, sucking back truffles, and pining for your female to come home.

  Of course, that’s if you’re a dog, I suppose.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Hey, do I need to hit Pets.com and score you some flea spray and a new leash? I could get you a pink one to match that nail polish you’re wearing.

  VISHOUS

  Two words, ya bastard.

  CONSTRUCTION.

  PAPER.

  Tell me something, did you use the safety scissors like I asked you to?

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Two words for you:

  CYNDI.

  LAUPER.

  VISHOUS

  Clearly, the paste you ate has gone to your head.

  Did Marissa like all that lace you glued on?

  Oh…and I’m talking to your body, not that ridiculous card you made her.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  *tilts head to the side*

  How does that song go?

  Memememememememcmeme…

  *sings song about true colors*

  *badly*

  VISHOUS

  I have no idea what you are talking about.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Oh. Really.

  So you deny that shit was playing in the weight room yesterday?

  VISHOUS

  Please. Like I listen to crap like that?

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  So you deny that song was also playing in the Escalade last night?

  VISHOUS

  Don’t act the fool.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  So you deny that song was ALSO coming out of your shower early this morning.

  VISHOUS

  You’re imagining shit—

  RHAGE (in his bedroom on the laptop)

  You know…I saw him doodling the other day while he was doing the NYT crossword puzzle. Guess what he was writing?

  VISHOUS

  Rhage is a gum-flapping moron.

  There. Mystery solved.

  RHAGE

  Well, there was that part that went: Rhage is so beautiful, I wish I weren’t an ugly-ass wanker and could be half as hot as him.

  Rut I digress.

  Guess what the two words were?

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  I SUCK.

  No, wait!

  WHERE’S JANE?

  Oh, even better.

  MORE TISSUES.

  ’Cause he cries like a bitch when she ain’t around.:)

  RHAGE

  “TRUE COLORS.”

  I swear, boy’s got a Lauper fixation.

  You know what’s next? He’s going to toss his Jay-Z and his Pac and load up on Manilow and the Bee Gees.

  No more G-Unit tor him. From now on? Easy listening, disco drool.

  VISHOUS

  Lauper is NOT disco!

  RHAGE

  Oh…no…

  Ob, hell no.

  You didn’t just go there.

  You didn’t just defend CYNDI LAUPER.

  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL—

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  *starts to weep*

  I can’t deal. I can’t fuckin’ deal.

  How the mighty have fallen—

  V? Where are you going?

  Hey! V—shit—

  VISHOUS (in Bunch’s bedroom)

  *holds up red heart made of construction paper with paper lace carefully glued all around the edges*

  *reads cursive lettering of the sort that suggests maker of card spent hours getting the words to look right*

  My dearest Marissa,

  No commercial card could do justice

  To how I feel for you,

  No Hallmark whimsy or e-card flimsy

  could count as even half as true.

  I made this card and labored hard,

  to make it worthy of this day…

  and here is what my heart has to say:

  I love you. I need you. I want you.

  I am always yours.

  Love, Butch

  VISHOUS (in Butch’s bedroom)

  *eyes roommate*

  And you want to smack my ass about Lauper?

  Please, next thing you know you’re going to be writing jingles for Lifetime and Oxygen.

  RHAGE

  You wrote that, cop?

  You fuck in wrote that?

  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL—

  MARY LUCE (from their bathroom)

  Rhage…you better stop giving them a hard time or I’ll tell them what you did for me for V Day.

  RHAGE

  *clams up*

  *coughs*

  The Board’s PG-13, Mary. So you couldn’t—

  VISHOUS

  Mary, you have excellent timing.

  Do tell.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Yeah, this is FANTASTIC.

  *glares at V*

  Now give me my fuckin’ card back.

  VISHOUS

  *holds up overhead*

  *runs down hall*

  *circles around Foosball table*

  Not until you admit that that is the WORST piece of sappy-ass writing in the world. I swear, this thing is dripping with sugar. I’m about to go into a diabetic coma.

  Now, Mary, fill us in—OW!

  Fuck you, cop. *rubs shoulder*

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  *takes card back* *carefully makes sure lace is still properly attached*

  I’d rather write my own sap than cop the shit from Cyndi mothafuckin’ LAUPER.

  Now, Mary, spill, if you will.

  RHAGE

  Oh…God…someone shoot me.

  VISHOUS

  My pleasure.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Me first!

  VISHOUS

  Let me handle it, cop. You’ve got to hold your precious little card there, Casanova.

  My aim’ll be better.

  Mary?

  MARY LUCE

  Well, you know those tubes of cake icing you can get at the store?

  RHAGE

  Mary, please—

  WRATH (from laptop in study)

  Can it, Hollywood.

  I wanna hear this.

  In fact, I’m making a kingly resolution. You don’t open your mouth again till she’s finished or I’ll hang you.

  BETH RANDALL (behind him in the study)

  Wrath. You sure you want to go there?

  WRATH

  *mutters* Shit.

 
Leelan, listen, just because Mary—

  BETH RANDALL

  Uh-huh. Riiiiiiiiight.

  Mary, you first. Then it’s my turn.

  MARY LUCE

  LOL Fabulous!

  Anyway, he asked Fritz to get him one of those tubes of decorating icing, then laid himself out naked on our bed and wrote:

  MARY’S LOVE BUG

  across his chest.

  Then he asked me to lick it off.

  VISHOUS

  Oh, that’s masculine.

  Yeah.

  Totally.

  RHAGE

  Listen. GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN, you’re not exactly poppin’ the testosterone either.

  VISHOUS

  But I didn’t LOVE BUG my own ass.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  OH MY GOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD…

  I can’t fuck in’ stop laughing!

  *braces hands on knees*

  *roars with laughter*

  RHAGE

  I swear, I’m going to take that card and shove it up your—

  MARY LUCE

  Rhage, don’t be rude.

  So, Beth—what did Wrath do?

  WRATH

  Nothing.

  It was a night just like any—

  BETH RANDALL

  A night like any other?

  So what have I been missing?

  As near as I can recall, you’ve never before done the rose-petal-on-the-bed thing.

  VISHOUS

  *busts out laughing*

  Oh, shit…you didn’t rose-petal the bed, my lord.

  Tell me you didn’t go like that?

  RHAGE

  He petaled the bed?

  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

  Then what happened?

  WRATH

  Just so all of you are aware…the use of drawing and quartering has fallen out of favor.

  But I’m thinking of reviving the practice.

  I’m REALLY thinking of bringing that shit back.

  BETH RANDALL

  He lit a bunch of candles—

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Were they pretty pink ones?

  Scented with something sweet like lavender—

  WRATH

  Watch it, cop. Or you’ll find yourself in pieces.

  And they were black.

  VISHOUS

  I SO approve.

  WRATH

  They were used for light only, V. Not your kind of shit.

  BETH RANDALL

  Anyway, he laid me out on the rose petals, got on his knees beside the bed, and took out a little red box.

  VISHOUS

  Inside of which was a…

  REALLY BADLY WORDED HANDMADE CARD WITH LACE AROUND IT?

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  Fuck you.

  It was a Cyndi Lauper’s Greatest Hits CD.

  J R WARD

  Can I go back to work now?

  VISHOUS

  Stuff it, Challa.

  NO.

  RHAGE

  NO.

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  NO.

  WRATH

  YES. That’s an order.

  BETH RANDALL

  ANYWAY! So he’s on his knees with the little red box, which has Cartier written on it.

  He opens it and—

  WRATH

  Pair of ruby earrings. No BFD.

  Told her I loved her and blah blah blah. Okay, back to—

  BETH RANDALL

  AND he said to me that they were very rare and perfectly matched. Just like our hearts.

  VISHOUS

  No offense, my lord…but I’m going to hurl.

  Right after I stop laughing my ass off!

  LOL

  BUTCH O’NEAL

  OMG! That is just so SWEET!

  Did you get the two of you matching robes with hearts on them, too? Matching socks with hearts? Matching long johns with hearts? Matching—

  WRATH

  You know what also matches?

  Two black eyes.

  J R WARD

  Okay, that’s IT!

  I have to go back to V.

  ENOUGH!

  VISHOUS

  Yeah, sure, now that the deets are out you decide to get hard ass.

  Fine…finish me already. God knows, it’s taken you long enough, Challa.

  *********************FINIS*********************

  WRATH

  Can’t let V have the last word. Sorry, I’m the king, that’s my zip code.

  Don’t listen to V bitching about his book getting done. He’s just got a dime between his checks about his story getting out.

  You know him, he’s about as well adjusted as a broken wheelbarrow.

  LATER.

  So, yeah, the Brothers definitely are just the way they are in the books when they come out on the boards—there’s a lot of fooling around. But it’s not all fun and games.

  Lassiter, the fallen angel who is introduced in Lover Enshrined, actually made his first appearance on the boards. It was so odd. As is typical of the Brothers, I can be doing something totally unrelated to them when all of a sudden it’s WHAM! —download time. Lassiter was like that. I had him in the back of my mind for a long time, knowing only bits and pieces of what he was. And then one night I was just answering questions…

  I’ll let you see for yourself. Again, the Cellie comments have been largely edited out, and some changes have been so the content makes sense, but here’s Lassiter’s grand entrance:

  HELLO, OLD FRIEND

  May 13, 2006

  LASSITER (from laptop, located God only knows where)

  Well, well, well…looks like you finally man’d up, vampire.

  Remember me?

  WRATH (in study at the Brotherhood’s mansion)

  I thought you were dead.

  LASSITER

  That all you got to say to me?

  WRATH

  Gee…your hair is SO different.

  LASSITER

  You can’t see me, so how do you know what it looks like, Blind King?

  WRATH

  Two things about your kind will always be true. And the second is your hair never changes.

  So where are you?

  LASSITER

  Shit, you’ve found a sense of humor. How lucky for your Brothers.

  I hear you have a queen now, vampire.

  WRATH

  You didn’t answer my question.

  Where are you?

  LASSITER

  Worried, Blind King?

  WRATH

  Scared to tell me?

  LASSITER

  Touché. Let’s just say I’m around.

  And wanted to make sure you knew it.

  WRATH

  I’ve got SUCH a case of the warm and fuzzies right now, you can’t believe it.

  VISHOUS (in the Pit)

  My lord, I’m about two inches away from blocking his sorry ass. You just say the word.

  LASSITER

  OMG.

  Look who’s here. How are those tats of yours?

  VISHOUS

  Fuck you. Right now. Right here.

  Do yourself a favor and get gone.

  WRATH

  Easy, V. You know what they say about enemies.

  VISHOUS

  Yeah, they’re best hung by their necks.

  LASSITER

  Vishous, such passion from you, the cold one.

  Guess you haven’t forgotten me. I’m touched.

  VISHOUS

  You want to get touched…I’ll touch you, all right—

  WRATH

  ENOUGH. V, back the fuck off.

  And, Lassiter, I want to know why you’re rolling up in my house. Now of all times.

  LASSITER

  Just wanted to say hello. And congratulate your on your ascendance.

  WRATH

  So dial up FTD and send my ass some flowers. But cut the shit and get off my board.
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  LASSITER

  Why would I do that? You wouldn’t be able to see them.

  WRATH

  That’s too petty for you.

  Which makes me realize something…

  VISHOUS

  Let me hunt him, my Lord. PLEASE let me hunt him.

  RHAGE (in his bedroom)

  OMG, he’s alive.

  LASSITER

  Yeah. Go figure.

  How goes it, big warrior? Oh—wait, I know how it is with you. How many females have you done this week, Rhage?

  RHAGE

  One. Only one. And fuck you, BTW.

  Shit.. this is too weird.

  WRATH

  LOL

  So, Lassiter, I can only assume by your charming conversation that you want something from us.

  Unless it’s a stab wound or a broken femur, I don’t know if we’re much in the mood to indulge you.

  PHURY (in his bedroom)

  God…I can’t stand it.

  LASSITER

  Which is why you’re celibate, right?

  And Wrath, hell, vampire…we always throw down. It’s always been oil and water.

  PHURY

  How’s that female of yours. Still missing?

  LASSITER

  YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF HER.

  PHURY

  You want respect? Trying throwing some of it first.

  LASSITER

  YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF HER:

  WRATH

  Enough!

  I’m bored with the drama. Phury, V…Rhage. Off the Board. NOW.

  You know where I want you, so get your asses up here. As for you, Lassiter—

  LASSITER

  Look…shit, vampire, I didn’t come here to stir shit.

  Well, maybe a little.

  And you’re right. I may need something.

  VISHOUS

  Like a hole right in your head.

  FYI I got something that can take care of that. It’s called a Glock nine—

  WRATH

  Vishous, log the fuck exit! You are NOT helping.

  LASSITER

  Yeah, run along, you glow-in-the-dark fr—

  Shit. I’m doing it again.

  Look…I just wanted to…

  Maybe later. This just isn’t the time. Or the place.

  WRATH

  True.

  On both accounts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have business with the Brothers.

  And just a little word of advice. Having V pissed off at you is like strapping a bull’s-eye to your chest and walkin’ onto a pistol range. You might consider moving from wherever you are. Because even if you scramble your IP and play hide-and-go-seek with the Internet shit, he will find where you were based on this happy little session. When he does, I seriously doubt I’ll be able to talk him down. Probably won’t try too hard at it, either.

  LASSITER

  Fair enough, vampire. Fair enough.

  But I’ll be back. If the Fates allow. Later, Blind King.

  I KNOW WHERE LASSITER IS

  May 13, 2006

  VISHOUS (in the Pit)

  You game?

 

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