Hanging on (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2)

by K. F. Breene

  I straightened up and headed to the restroom. I purposely didn’t look in William’s direction, but I could tell the eyes on my back were his. Don’t ask me how, but I could just tell.

  In the bathroom I got to work washing the smeared make-up off my face. My eyes were red and puffy, but it would go down soon. My complexion didn’t show crying stains for too long. I was lucky in that way.

  Claire walked in with my purse and hers. “Tought you might want some make-up. You look a mess.” She smiled and put her arm around me.

  I nodded and smiled. Only these girls knew that the best thing for me wasn’t what I said. Alone really meant: “Please come with me, but I am too proud to ask.”

  We talked about nothing for a few minutes to pass the time. When my face looked decent I headed back out to the bar. Lump was arguing with Adam, and both looked like they wanted to hit the other. Adam would never raise his fist to a woman, but if he wasn’t such a gentleman I had no doubt he would try and flatten her.

  Lump also kept it a rule not to hit a man unless in self-defense. If she did, she always readied herself to be hit back. No matter the self-control of a man, she said, sometimes they just snapped with physical violence. Plus, it wasn’t fair to hit someone that shouldn’t hit you back.

  It made sense, but I still doled out Charlie Horses like candy canes at Christmas.

  With these two, though, if there weren’t social rules going on here, they would be at each other’s throats. Literally. With their bare hands to prolong the joy of sucking the life out of the other person.

  We headed to the bar and met up with Flem. She had shots and beers ordered.

  “Jessica,” she said seriously when we sat on bar stools next to her, “listen. I came up to order these and Little Willie asked that I please put it on his tab. I couldn’t say no to the guy. He was nearly pouting for cripes sake!”

  I just nodded mutely, willing my tears to go back into the ducts.

  “LUMP!” I yelled.

  Lump’s head snapped toward us. She turned back to Adam, gave a fierce “Don’t defy me” look, and came in our direction. Adam watched with murder on his face, hands clenched in anger. I met eyes with him and knew that he wanted to talk to me. He probably wanted to plead William’s case. Either that, or he wanted to apologize himself for leaving me. Whatever it was, he needed to get his own girl to look after, I didn’t want any more man-drama.

  I turned back to my shot. The girls joined and down the concoction went. Followed by a gag. We all upended our bottles and drank down half our beers. I gagged again. Time for a quick hangover cure, as Claire would call it, and on to drunk in zero seconds flat. Hopefully then the gagging would stop.

  I really just wanted to go home and die.

  “Lump, can you leave it alone with Adam tonight?” I pleaded. "I like Adam."

  She clenched her jaw and flicked her blond hair. “I will leave him alone, as you say, because you asked. But that ass...Adam had the audacity to come up to me and apologize for offending me last night.”

  “What is wrong with that?” Flem asked.

  “What is wrong—he didn’t offend me. Nothing that horse’s ass could say would offend me. I didn’t give one lick about what he said to me. I told him he shouldn’t have pushed me away like a barfly that couldn’t handle herself. Then, get this. He says that it was obvious I was in over my head. That it was a man’s job for protection.”

  Oh shit.

  “I kindly asked where he was, the man, after all…where he was when Candace got her shirt pulled down." Lump barely stopped herself from throwing a fierce look in Adam's direction. "When they were trying to get up on her like humping dogs? Who stepped in and protected her? I also kindly asked where the man was when you were molested by that skeeze Dusty. Who got you out of that mess?”

  “Lump, you didn’t.” I knew this was a sore point with Adam. I wondered if Lump knew it before, or stumbled upon it.

  “Oh yes, I did. Because you know what, Jess? You got out of that because I taught you some moves. You saved yourself. Men for protection? In this society? Please. We aren’t God damn gorillas. Willie tries to protect you, but he can’t be with you all the time, everywhere, so...” She trailed off as she noticed fresh tears had sprang to my eyes.

  “Anyway,” she changed direction, “I offered him the rare chance to have the first shot. I could take that brute! He’s big, okay. He’s strong, yeah. He’s fast—okay, maybe. But I could take him!”

  “Oh just give over will ye?” Claire said. “Drink yur feckin’ beer. Me head is achin’!”

  Lump smiled mischievously. “Trees aren’t so tall for climbing when they are felled.”

  We all laughed.

  “He is a hot piece, though.” Flem nodded. “I would go for that if he weren’t southern.”

  “Weren’t southern, Flem?” I asked. “Is that a little southern sneaking into your speech?”

  “Shut up, you!” she said with a smile.

  We drank our beer and another beer after that. We were starting to feel all right. Moose’s girlfriend Jasmine came up to us. She was alone so we welcomed her into our group. The girls lightly filled her in with the issue.

  She said, “I thought there was something wrong. He hides personal stuff so well from everyone I couldn’t really tell, but he just...was off, or something.” She gave me a sad smile that girls give when they have “been there.”

  We ordered another round. Jasmine tried to get a girlie drink but we wouldn’t let her. She could either have a real mixed drink, like Jack and coke, or a beer and a shot. She opted for a beer and a shot.

  Candace came up next. “Jess—are you okay?”

  Apparently William allowed the girlfriends to show up. He had some pull with his friends. I was starting to think I was the only person to say no to the guy.

  “I am God damn great, Candace. How the hell are you? I see you are wearing a shirt with straps tonight.”

  Her face went red. “Yes...I thought...”

  “Don’t get bashful Candace, we are all friends here.” I waved my hand to swat away her concern. I had gotten slightly belligerent it seemed. “Once, I fell down a small set of stairs in this really cute, but very tight, dress. The dress ripped in half and nearly fell off. What’s worse? I wasn’t wearing underwear.”

  Everyone laughed.

  Claire said, “Once in Dublin, it was me first time in the city, right? I was off me head. Absolutely legless! I was walkin’ down da street, as ya do, and I went ta step up on da curb. I didn’t know objects in the mirror were actually further than they appeared. Sure, I tried to step on a curb that wasn’t dere, like, then got off balance and tripped over the real curb. I fell flat on me face, skidded up half me cheek, dress was up over me head with my nickers out to da world, and I was too drunk to stand up, like! Some ol’ biddie had to help me get up!”

  We all laughed. Well, those of us that could understand her, anyway.

  We went all around, sharing stories, acting like asses. Candace didn’t really have any good ones, so we helped make last night a great old story to tell all her friends, and possibly her little Ty’s.

  A good song came on to interrupt our storytelling, so we got up to dance. We were obviously the only drunk ones, and just as obviously, we didn’t give a rat’s ass.

  When we were done dancing I saw that William was at the bar. Suddenly the music went off and everyone looked at us.

  “Excuse me,” he said to the whole bar.

  All the girls looked at me like “What. The. Fuck?”

  “Excuse me everyone. I have an announcement.”

  The whole bar quieted, which was pretty amazing because the place was fairly busy at that point.

  “I am Willie Davies. Some of you may know me. Some may have heard of me. I would just like to take this opportunity to let you know that last night I did something inexplicable.”

  Oh my God!

  “I left the bar without the love of my life. She was there. I forgot her
like the asshole I am. Now, I would never make a scene like this normally for any reason, but I think it important that she know, and everyone know, that I love her. I am in her power. I may make life impossible, but it is because I love her.” He turned to look at me. “You.

  “Jessica, I am so sorry I lost your trust. Sorry is such a shit word. Distressed. Despondent. Ashamed. Shameful. Whatever the word, the feeling cannot be expressed. I understand if you don't want to take me back. But please, this is a Davies man begging...” He walked to me and got on his knees. Everyone cleared away to give us room. “I am begging you. Please, please be with me. Please don’t turn me away. My pride is in your hands.”

  Again, this was what Gladis meant about rich boys and poor boys. Poor boys would beg sooner than they would spend a month’s wages on flowers. Begging was easier to live with than being broke for a month. A rich man would sooner spend money than look a fool in front of his peers. Money he had, looking a fool he could never recover from—especially if you had a company to run, and one of the employees had your pride in his hands.

  This was a huge leap for him. If I said ‘no’ then the whole city would know it. I could only say yes to redeem him, but he would still be under my thumb. The only win for him was me. I meant that much to him. This was him proving his love in a way that was the most risk to him.

  I started crying like the sap I had turned out to be, and knelt with him. I hugged him savagely and he hugged me back.

  “I love you Jessica. I am yours. Eternally yours. I meant what I said—I am in your hands.”

  I kissed him. Deep and needful. I suddenly needed him. Right now. Right here.

  How awkward.

  He stood up with me. “Jessica, I truly thought you were sitting next to Lump in the corner of the limo. I even asked you if you were okay and Brad answered back. That is when I realized how stupid I was! I am so sorry! I am so stupid!”

  I was crying and clutching to him. He walked me away from the dance floor toward the back. We passed the bathrooms and went outside. There were a couple smokers that nodded as we walked by.

  “Nice work, man,” one of the guys said. “Inspirational.”

  Poor guy, obviously. Bet he wouldn’t buy me twelve dozen roses with a different love poem on each.

  We went around the corner, behind a plant, and he kissed me deeply and aggressively. I needed him as badly as he needed me. I kissed him back, touching and feeling every inch of the body I worried I had lost. He did the same to me, whispering he loved me urgently. He had my pants around my ankles before I knew what was happening. I was working at his, dropping them not long after mine.

  I felt his hard shaft and pushed my hand up his snug shirt against his warm chest. I kissed him harder. He turned me around and put himself inside me with needful thrust. I quieted my groan so we weren’t overheard and reached back to him. He put me in a bear hug as he thrust himself over and over inside of me.

  I swirled in pleasure, him close to me, touching me, together with me. I was aching at how close we came to not reconciling this issue. Such a small issue in the scheme of things, but the principle enough to finish us both.

  We climaxed quickly, me slightly before him. I vibrated in delight, he shook in ecstasy. When we were done he took himself out, turned me around, and hugged me close. He took a big, shuddering gasp and dug his face in my neck.

  “I caused that. I deserved it. But please, please don’t ever do that to me again. It almost killed me. Why do you have such a firm hold on me? I am a puppy on a leash with you.” He shook his head.

  “Not just you. I almost ran to you and begged you to forget what I said, but the girls were there to block me in. For support. It was necessary, though. I need to look after number one. Please don’t make me have to do that again.”

  He nodded. When he pulled his head back his eyes were slightly glassy. I kissed him.

  We pulled up our pants, held each other a little more then headed in. William got another thumbs up from poor guy. Apparently I wasn’t as quiet as I thought.

  Embarrassing.

  “I didn’t get a chance to tell you—you look incredibly hot tonight,” he expressed.

  “You also look incredibly hot tonight. Can you dress like that around me more often?”

  “The girls like tighter shirts. They aren’t as comfortable, though.”

  “Oh? Girlzz do, do they?”

  He grabbed me and kissed the top of my head. “Girl likes tighter shirts. No more plural.”

  “Tight isn’t as comfortable, no. Welcome to life as a girl.”

  “But your tight pants look just right.”

  We rounded the corner and were presented with Lump and Adam arguing again.

  I sighed loudly. I grabbed William’s hand and walked up to the pair.

  “What is so important to the two of you that you have to keep trying to battle?”

  Adam looked at me, then at William. He shook his head angrily. Lump turned to look at me with just as much anger. It seemed as though Lump’s desire to get Adam to like her wasn’t working out. In fact, it was working negatively on her and him both.

  “Look, Jessica, this woman is crazy. I--”

  “I’m crazy?” Lump jumped in.

  “Lump,” I tempered, “let him finish.”

  She cursed me with her eyes. Then threw up her hands and walked away. She was frustrated. I had a feeling that she couldn’t make her mind up between ripping off his head or ripping off his clothes.

  “Jessica, Willie—honest. I done tried to apologize 'n she got mad. I tried to apologize again, she got mad again. Every time I try to do the right thing, she throws a temper. I got no idea why. When she tries to explain it, then I get mad. I swear, if she was a man, I would...” He was reaching for control with every fiber of his being.

  “William, do you mind if I have a word alone with Adam?”

  William looked at me strangely, then looked at Adam. Whatever was going through his head soon passed and he nodded and walked away. I led Adam to a stool at the bar. We got two drinks and were quiet for a moment.

  “Adam,” I started gently, “maybe you should try to see it her way.” He stiffened. “Just a little.” I paused until he looked like he would listen. “All she knows is how to rely on herself. The only thing she trusts is her girlfriends because we don’t want anything from her. Unconditional love. She has never had that with a guy.”

  “But—“

  I help up my hand. “Let me finish. She is a beautiful woman. Guys want to do her. All they see is her beauty. She is smart, too, which sucks because she can see what men want from her. When they find out she is strong and independent, they walk away. They want her pretty and ditzy, and unlike a lot of girls, she will not reduce herself to that stereotype to get men. Which is why we love her.”

  “I don’t give no two shits about L.A. and stereotypes or whatnot. That ain’t what none of this is about!” He looked away in frustration.

  It was amazing that he continued to care enough to try and make amends. Most men would have given up, called her a bitch, and went their own way by now. I had seen it often enough.

  Dramatic pause. When he didn’t fill the silence, I continued in a patient voice.

  “All she has ever done is look after herself. She has looked after herself and all of us. She is our protector. She is the reason I was not defiled by Dusty.” He winced. “Her brothers and father let her fall on her face, then waited until she picked herself up. She got tough love, they didn’t ever reach down to help her up. Ever.”

  That comment woke him up. A sliver of compassion wormed into the stubborn lines etched on his face.

  “So when you tell her that she is incapable of protecting herself," I continued, "especially when she probably just got done doing what you call a man’s job of protecting all the women in her care, because there was no man present other than the one hurting, well...that galls a little. Can’t you see that?”

  “But Jessica, they shouldn’t have to
.” His gentle-heartedness and blind faith in that statement both made me want to hug him and kick him at the same time. I suddenly got what Lump was so mad about.

  “No Adam. They shouldn’t. And they wouldn’t if all men were like you. But there are the Dusty’s out there. Dusty’s that might not be bigger, but are certainly stronger. And the Adam’s can’t be there all the time, as you know. As I know. Without Lump’s coaching, I would be dealing with a lot more than a fear of strange men right now.”

  He hung his head. Hard to argue with that logic.

  “Look,” I said in a hurry, “I am not blaming anyone. I am just saying that you are truly naive if you think that women don’t need to look after themselves. If you think you will always be there for them. You can’t. You just can’t. Not unless you wrap us in a black sheet and take away all our rights. And if you did that, I would stick a knife in your big back.”

  He laughed. “But Jess, she hates me.”

  “Yeah, and you hate her. At least for the part of her that doesn’t need you. She's independent, which I think you like. But she's not invincible. And nether are you."

  “Alright, alright." He shook his head. “I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.”

  “Okay. Then stop trying to push her around. Figure out a way to be nice without pissing her off. Maybe just ask her to move, rather than physically lifting her out of the way. If she still gives attitude, give her hell with my blessing.”

  He nodded, indicating the talk was over.

  I rejoined William, slipping my hand onto his leg. He squeezed my hand, but didn't turn away from the conversation he was having about bull riding with Ty. I thought now might be a great time to talk to Lump as I did Adam. It was only fair. Maybe that could prevent them from killing each other before Lump left.

  "Lump," I waited for her to look at me. I kept the same patient tone. I had to hurry, though, I was running low on caring. "Look, I wanted to talk to you about Adam."

  She immediately ceased up, her defenses slamming into place. It was amazing how much he got to her. He must know how to push her buttons as well as she his. I hadn't seen her this riled up in a long time. What a mess.