Seizing Control

by Kylie Hillman

  His words make tears well in my eyes again and my bottom lip trembles. I grab the arm he has over my waist, lace my fingers through his and pull him tighter around me.

  “I love you, Mik,” I tell him quietly as he continues to rock us.

  “I know, Angel. I love you as well. More than I can ever tell you.” He kisses my shoulder.

  “Go back to sleep. We’ll sort everything out in the morning.”

  I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s only going to get worse in the morning.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Lainey

  Present Day

  The aroma of coffee rouses me from my sleep. Stretching, I realize that I slept a lot better than I thought I would once I actually managed to get back to sleep. Although, the quality of my sleep is probably directly related to the strong arms that held me all night.

  “Madelaine, I’ve brought you some coffee.” Wendy’s soft voice has me quickly opening my eyes. I assumed that it was Mik bringing my morning coffee.

  Rolling quickly onto my side and pushing myself into a sitting position, I wince at the pain the movements sends through my ribs. While I’m glad that they aren’t broken, they still hurt especially now the pain relief from last night has worn off.

  “Careful. Take your time,” she gently admonishes me.

  I roll my eyes at her, grimacing at the pain radiating through my damaged eye and she grins at my reaction. Wendy isn't sadistic, she’s just always telling me not to roll my eyes at everyone.

  Gratefully taking the proffered hot coffee and pain relief out of her hands, I swallow both tablets with a big gulp of much needed coffee. I’m not ashamed to admit my addiction to the rich brown substance, however others seem to think that it’s hilarious and constantly tease me about my dependency. It’s a running joke in my family that the main reason I’m marrying Mik is because he’s the only person I’ve been able to train to bring me my morning coffee in bed. I don’t think they understand how well rewarded he is for it. I work on an incentive system.

  "What time is it? Where’s Mik?”

  “It's just past midday. They're gone on club business. Most of them went, although we still have babysitters.” She frowns as she tells me this. Her annoyance at being left out of the loop and given Dad’s go-to excuse very apparent. I grin at her in outward agreement, even though I’m secretly thrilled that most of them are gone. Having time and space to myself is just what I need today.

  “Do you think it’s because of me? Have they got any leads on where Brendan could be?” I ask her.

  “I got the impression it was about last night but I don’t think they’ve found him.”

  I shrug noncommittally at her answer, partially upset that he’s still out there but also relieved that they aren’t having a showdown with him just yet. I decided before I fell asleep again last night that I need to come clean with Mik about everything.

  I know that when he’s found, Brendan will try to get under Mik’s skin by embellishing how much he touched me. Registering this fact forced my hand. If Mik faces him without knowing the truth, Brendan will be able to hurt him and shake his trust in our relationship. The truth is the lesser of two evils but it’s a risk I have to make myself take.

  “Penny for your thoughts, young lady?”

  Wendy interrupts my musing when she takes a seat next to me on the bed. I don’t let her in on what I was actually thinking, instead asking her the other question that kept me from falling asleep last night.

  “Do you think I caused this?” I ask softly. I've been over this question many times during therapy but the stock answers Dr. Louise provided never satisfied me.

  Wendy’s face drops and she starts to disagree immediately.

  “Of course you didn’t. It takes a very sick person to hurt another like Brendan has hurt you.”

  “I get that but what I don’t understand is why me? What did I do that made him want to hurt me?” Raising my hand to stop her when she starts to speak, I continue. “Brendan never had any trouble sleeping with women before me and moving on from them. He was an absolute manwhore so it must be something I did that made him so crazy…”

  “You are a very beautiful woman, Madelaine. More beautiful than you realize.”

  My cheeks start to heat at her blunt words. I know I’m attractive but I definitely don’t class myself as beautiful. I’m too tall, my hair is becoming a darker blonde as I age, and my hips are wider than I would like. That's just to name a few things that I don’t think are beautiful about myself. The fact that someone as perfect looking as Wendy thinks I am is slightly mortifying.

  “But more importantly than your looks, you’re beautiful inside. You’re strong. Smart. Moral. Loyal. And you love without reservations. Every man wants that in their woman.”

  Tears fill my eyes and I lower my gaze to my lap, willing them not to spill. I look up to Wendy because she perfected the ability to act as a mother figure for my siblings and I while honouring our mom’s memory. I managed to overcome my early irrational bitterness that Wendy is alive and basically holds my mother’s spot in our family, years ago. For her to think of me like that fills me with gratitude. I send a prayer of thanks into the universe that I’ve been lucky enough to have been graced by two beautiful, strong and loving women as role models.

  “Looking back, there were signs that Brendan was trying desperately to control you and force you to love him. I knew you weren’t completely certain about him, that’s why I tried to encourage you to be absolutely sure before you slept with him. I, for one, never warmed to him but I kept telling myself that it was because of my history with his father.”

  Opening my mouth to question her about this new revelation, she shushes me with a pointed look so I pipe down and let her continue. “In hindsight, he was obviously intimidated by your strength and loyalty to your family. I think that deep down he knew that you were going to realize he wasn't the one for you and it scared him. He knew you didn’t love him. He knew what a precious woman he had and he wanted you all to himself.”

  Reaching out to grasp my shaking hand in one of hers, Wendy lifts my chin with two dainty fingers so that I will meet her eyes.

  “Weak men like Brendan try to break you down to keep you instead of letting you go like a decent man would. They erode your self-worth and your confidence with their nasty stealth tactics, thinking that’s how they can stop you from leaving them. You don’t even comprehend what they’re doing until it’s too late. If their words don’t erode your soul enough, then they’ll do exactly what Brendan did. They’ll mentally abuse you, threaten you or your family and physically hurt you. They try anything they can think of to force you to stay with them.”

  I nod slowly at her words because that’s exactly how it was. I remember his mood swings if I didn’t act the way he wanted, his jealousy over any man who came near me, and the way he tried to keep me with him all the time. All the things he did to control me and to force me to love him. Wendy has tears running down her face as she carries on speaking. I get the feeling she is drawing on past experience.

  “Now you tell me which part of that was your fault? What did you do that was so awful that you made him hurt you? Nothing! Not a thing that you did made him hurt you! He’s a weak, spiteful man who wants someone who doesn’t want him. He’s a monster who won't take no for an answer.

  “Madelaine, I couldn’t love you more even if you had come out of my body. I take my job as your step-mother very seriously. You know I would be the first person to tell you if you had caused this in any way but you didn’t. Nobody is to blame for this except the animal who’s doing it!”

  Wrapping both of her arms around me, Wendy squeezes me so hard that my ribs protest.

  “I’m so thankful that you have been strong enough to get through this with only Mikhail for support. I have faith that we as a family we’ll get through anything else he throws your way together. Just don’t hide anything from us anymore…”

  “Fucking oath,
baby girl,” Dad interjects from the doorway.

  Wendy and I both startle and turn abruptly to find that Dad, Mik and Joel are standing there watching us. How long they have been there, I have no idea.

  “My beautiful woman here is right.”

  Dad walks over and sits next to Wendy, before picking her up and planting her firmly in his lap. Her surprised squeak makes me smile. He doesn’t always show her the affection she deserves.

  “I can let go of the secrets and bullshit that’s happened, if you promise to never keep us out of the loop again. We’re family and we look after each other. I could have protected you and Benji if you had just come to me.”

  He shakes a big paw at Mik when he goes to speak in my defense from the doorway. I gesture to Mik to keep quiet because Dad is partially right. I did let embarrassment and stubbornness stop me from telling them what was happening.

  “I fell apart when your mother died. God rest her perfect soul.” Dad crosses himself. I look to see if his words affect Wendy but she only smiles at me, unperturbed by my father's never ending reverence for the woman who came before her. “That caused you to step up and look after your brothers when I should have. You not coming to me for help is because of that and I will take that to my grave as my biggest mistake, baby girl.”

  I shake my head in disagreement but Dad shrugs it off with a sharp look that brooks no argument. I know better than to argue with him when he’s in this mood. I’ll revisit the subject soon and try to lessen any guilt he's feeling. This isn’t his fault. It's not really mine either. Talking to Wendy has helped me immensely although I doubt I will ever feel completely guilt free.

  “We’re gonna fix this shit for you though.” Dad gestures at Mik when he tells me this, his expression resolute.

  “Fuck Dad, you strung at least three sentences together without one fuck, fucking or fuck it all. I swear that’s a fucking record!” Joel interjects dryly from the doorway, causing us all to break into laughter. The tension leaves the room.

  “Yeah, yeah always a fucking wise guy, aren't you, my son?”

  Dad places Wendy on her feet, leans down and kisses me on the head. He pins Mik, who has come to stand next to me, with one of his trademark pointed looks.

  “Look after my baby girl for a while but don’t forget we roll out of here in four hours.”

  Mik nods and everyone leaves our room.

  “What’s happening in four hours?” I ask Mik after the door closes. Is my time up? Do I need to come clean now?

  Shrugging his cut from his shoulders, Mik pulls his shirt over his head and lays both of them over the armchair in silence. He locks our door before stalking back towards me. He still hasn't said a word and aggravation is flowing from him. He sits on the bed next to me, his extra weight causes me to slide into him.

  Wrapping his big arm around my shoulder he answers me sharply. “Never fucking mind that.” I send him a small glare at his rudeness but he ignores me and continues. “We’ll get to that soon. First we need to discuss what happened when that fucker had you last night. I was happy to let it slide for a few days because I thought you didn’t want to talk to anyone but it seems you’re happy to discuss this shit with everyone but me.”

  Grimacing at his harsh—but deserved—attitude, I weigh my options. I don’t want to tell him what happened when he’s in a mood like this. Mik is a hard, proud, and honest man and I’ve always known that. Loved it even. If he feels disrespected or suspects you’re bullshitting him, he will call you on it. It’s one of my favourite traits of his, except at times like this when I’m in the firing line.

  “Lainey, just fucking tell me please? It can’t be as fucked up as half the bullshit circulating my head at the moment.” His eyes are wide, pleading with me and I can see he's hurt by my reticence to talk to him. I can’t hide it any longer. It’s bad but obviously not as bad as he is assuming.

  “Alright, I’ll tell you. After he had me abducted, he touched me, kissed me and fingered me. I knew he was going to rape me again so I SUCKED HIS COCK AND ESCAPED OUT OF THE WINDOW!” I end up yelling the last part at him.

  The second the truth is out of my mouth, I’m appalled at myself. I can’t bear to look at him, especially after the shitty way I delivered the truth he’s been seeking. Throwing myself face down on the bed, I begin to sob quietly. My guilt is so heavy I can feel it physically weighing me down.

  “What the fuck, Lainey?”

  I can hear Mik run his hands through his hair. The sound of deep, even breathing fills the air as he composes himself. As he gets control of himself, the bed ceases shuddering from his furious shaking. Sliding towards me, he places his hand on my shoulder. He rubs me softly as I try to contain my sobbing.

  “What do you mean, Angel? You can’t throw that at me and then leave me to fucking work it out. Did he rape you? Did he hurt you? Why did you suck his cock?” Mik’s quietly whispers these questions to me as if he is trying not to scare me. “Tell me, Lainey. Start from the very beginning.”

  Keeping my face buried in our bed, I start from the beginning and fill in all of the details from when I was snatched from our driveway to when Timber found me in the dark yard. I tell him how two of the abductors’ tried to rape me and how Brendan raped me with his fingers when I refused to accept his threat against Lachie.

  Swallowing my pride I elaborate on how I was hidden in the bedroom with him, how I tried so hard to get Mik to hear me when he was at the house and I explain how Brendan beat me unconscious when he realized that we are together, and that when I came to I was naked and handcuffed to his bed.

  My beautiful man is silent throughout my re-telling but I can feel his growing fury taking control of his body with every incident I detail. Knowing that I’m at the part he is going to have the hardest ttime understanding, I make myself sit up on the bed and face him. It's the least he deserves.

  Pulling my pillow into my lap, I hug it to me and continue admitting what really happened last night, “When I regained consciousness from his beating after you left, I found myself handcuffed to the bed. He wanted to know how I got my scars. He was upset by my tattoos and acted as if I had crashed my bike or done something stupid to end up so injured. It was like he had deluded himself into believing that he never hurt me.”

  I shiver at the memories my retelling induces. “I completely lost my temper and detailed exactly what he did to me the night you rescued me from him.”

  Mik reaches out and pulls my hands into his lap. We are now seated on our bed with our legs crossed, facing each other. I force myself to look him in the eyes and carry on with my story.

  “Telling him about my injuries really affected him and he started apologising, insisting that we could wipe the slate clean and start again. He was rubbing his cock against me and kissing me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he raped me so I had the idea to use his apologies against him to get free. I wasn’t sure what I would do once I was free, but I knew it would be better than being handcuffed and unable to defend myself.”

  I clear my throat, rolling my tense shoulders before I start the hardest part. Mik senses my discomfort and rubs his thumbs over the back of my hands.

  "It's okay, Lainey. Go on.”

  Taking a deep breath, I force the words from my mouth.

  “I started kissing him back and it shocked him for a little while but then he went with it. I talked him into taking the handcuffs off of me and I couldn’t believe my luck when he threw the key on the floor at the foot of the bed. That was when the idea to handcuff him to the bed occurred to me. I used my body to coax him back into the ideal position to secure him by acting as if I wanted to give him a blowjob. I’d never willingly given him one before so he fell for it straight away.”

  Mik’s body becomes rigid and his eyes bulge in his head. I take another deep breath, squeeze his hands tight, and finish my story in one last burst.

  “I sucked his cock and just as he started to come, I slapped the handcuff around one of his wri
sts and jumped out of his reach. I’m so sorry, I hated every second of it but I thought it was the only way. I’m so sorry, Mik. Honestly!”

  Nervously eyeballing Mik, I wait for his reaction and am completely baffled when he bursts into laughter. Deep, belly rumbling laughter.

  “What’s so funny?” I mumble in a small voice.

  Have I finally pushed him over the edge?

  Tears run down his face as he continues laughing. I snatch my hands back appalled that he would think this is funny. Maybe he doesn’t care about me as much as I thought? How can he be laughing at this? I thought he would be furious and disgusted with me. I don’t understand his reaction.

  “I’m fucking sorry, Angel. I know it’s not really funny.”

  He tries to contain himself, wiping his face with his hands. Eventually he gets himself under control. I’m upset and confused by his reaction but also a tiny bit happy that he hasn’t called me a slut and stormed off.

  “How was that funny, Mik?” I ask snarkily.

  “It’s not, it’s really not. It’s just, I always knew you had all of us men by the balls... it was fucking funny to hear you prove it.”

  At his comment, I find myself smiling a little. “You’re not mad that I did it? You don’t think I’m a slut? That I cheated?”

  “No fucking way!” he replies with certainty, his laughter dying as he studies me. “I’m angry as fuck that you had to resort to that to get away from the cunt. I hate the idea of him touching you in any fucking way. I’m pissed off that he managed to get his hands on you when we have a whole MC protecting you. And I’m ready to fucking kill whoever helped him slip out of our hands at his house. But I’m fucking proud of you! You beat him at his own game.”

  I’m a little taken aback at his response and I don’t believe that he is as cool with this as he is acting.

  “You didn’t tell me how the dickhead really ended up shot though.” He finally has himself under control and is back to business.