Familiar Ground

by Michelle Lynn

  Dani holds my hand tightly in hers as we walk through the black iron gate and up the cement staircase. I worry this is too much change for her, but I have no choice. I’d discussed Dani’s situation with the director when I first came here for the tour. I saw the sympathy in her eyes during my disclosure. She assured me she would make sure to visit the room frequently and call me if anything was to go wrong. My fear wasn’t that Dani would cause any trouble; I was more worried that she would isolate herself and not play with the other children.

  Mrs. Connie, the director of the daycare, immediately greets us. She’s an older woman with black hair and thin frame. She had founded this daycare thirty years ago and never had children of her own. During the interview she divulged ‘kids weren’t in the cards for her and her husband’ and ‘back then there weren’t as many choices as there are now’. She didn’t seem upset, but rather as though she had made her peace with it a long time ago.

  “Hello, Leah. Hello, Dani.” Her smile wide and welcoming.

  “Hi, Mrs. Connie.” I shake the woman’s hand. Turning my head to look at Dani “Dani, can you say hi to Mrs. Connie?”

  Dani peeks her head from behind my leg. Mrs. Connie waves it off to me, as this is usual behavior for first timers.

  “Do you want to come and play with some new toys?” Mrs. Connie squats down to Dani’s height.

  Dani nods her head up and down.

  “Okay, let’s say good-bye to Aunt Leah and go play then.” Mrs. Connie holds out her hand out to Dani.

  The little girl squeezes her arms tightly around my leg. “Bye, Auntie Leah.”

  Bending down I wrap my arms around her little body. “Bye, honey, have fun.”

  Dani takes Mrs. Connie’s hand and walks into the boisterous building. What is this feeling of dread that’s starting to run through me? I’m just supposed to drop her off and continue my day. When she never looks back in my direction, my heart sinks and soars at the same time—if that’s even possible. The hurt from how attached I’ve become in the last week to her might not be mutual, but also her bravery to face the new obstacles head on amazes me.

  The train comes to a squealing stop, and I step on, taking the first vacant seat I come across. Fellow college students, elderly people, and moms with strollers crowd the small space. It’s quiet at this time of the day, since everyone else has already made their commute downtown for work. I put my ear buds in and scroll through the music on my phone. Deciding I need something soothing after such a hectic morning, I choose Gavin DeGraw. I glance at my watch and sigh, unable to believe it’s only nine o’clock and my body feels like I’ve been up forever. As the music floats into my ears, I’m drawn back to a week ago when my life shifted more than I realized it would.

  My cell phone buzzes, interrupting Flipping Out. I pick up my phone, but it’s s a number I don’t recognize. My thumb going back and forth between ignore to answer, I finally swipe my thumb across the screen.

  “Hello,” I answer hesitantly. Having an idea of who exactly is calling me.

  “Leah?” The voice is rougher than normal but distinctive.

  My body automatically sits up as it tenses, waiting for the reason for his call. “What do you need, Shane?”

  “I need your help, but, before you hang up,” he stumbles out, “I’m clean, Leah,” my brother, Shane admits, or lies, who really knows the truth nowadays.

  “I’ve heard that before, Shane. How much money do you need?” My voice turns cold and distant, exactly the way I feel about him.

  “I don’t need money, Leah. I’m just around the corner at Miskas. Can I please come over?” Although he sounds sober for the first time in years, I am reluctant; he’s burned me too many times.

  “Okay, Shane, you have five minutes, and you cannot come in the house. Do you understand me, Shane?” I succumb to him once more. Stamp enabler on my forehead, guilty as charged.

  Pacing back and forth in my living room, all the scenarios pop up in little bubbles in my head. Did he steal, get into a fight, or, my favorite, deal drugs? I guess I should be happy he didn’t call from a police station. Ugh! I am mad at myself for allowing him back in. I said the last time was the final straw. My fists start to clench at my sides, the more I think about what he’s probably done. How much more money I’ll have to dig up just for him to blow on some blow. I slightly laugh. Crappy joke, Leah. My doorbell rings, and I stomp to the door, flinging it open ready to give Shane my wrath.

  Like always, when I see him all my anger scurries down inside me, leaving only the love for my dysfunctional brother on display. He looks horrible. His hair is long and greasy. His clothes are ripped and dirty. From the smell he’s in desperate need of a shower. What I notice most is his eyes, those emerald green eyes we share look clear, un-dilated and alert. He wasn’t lying, he’s clean. Shame on me because it brings a smile to my face. Just as quickly as my happiness appears, I have an urge to punch myself. I don’t know why I’m getting excited; we’ve been down this street before more times than I can count.

  My attention is soon drawn down to the little girl standing next to him. She looks around two or five, I’m not very good with kids and their ages. I know an infant from a young adult, but all those ones in between, is anybody’s guess. She has bouncy blonde curls that frame her round face with warm brown eyes that are slightly set back with long dark eyelashes. Oh, she’ll love those when she’s older. She’s wearing pink sweatpants with a t-shirt, but her sneakers look old and dirty. Her eyes meet mine and something in my gut tells me who she is before Shane can answer my unasked question..

  “Leah…this is my daughter, Dani,” Shane informs me of my relation, placing his hand on the little girls head.

  “Oh…” a lump instantly forms in my throat. Without second guessing, I automatically move out of the doorframe, letting Shane and my niece in. “Come on in.”

  “Thanks, Leah.” Shane gives me a hug. Not a real I’ve missed you hug. Not the thanks for letting me and the daughter you never knew I had hug. Nope, just a lazy one-arm kind of hug. A hug you give to a friend, not your sister who saves your ass more times than you care to remember. Ignorance is bliss for Shane.

  “Would you like something to drink or eat?” I’m not as concerned about my brother as I am his daughter.

  “That would be great, Leah. Do you have any milk for Dani?” For her, anything.

  “Yes, let me get some. And you? Are you thirsty or hungry?” Not that I really care at this point.

  “Water would be fine.” And maybe some bread, you’ve been on that diet before, right?

  I dug into the depths my cabinet and retrieved some graham crackers I had. Poured a glass of milk and set it all down for Dani on my coffee table. I asked her if she wanted to watch TV, and Shane informed me her favorite show was Little Einsteins. I searched my guide, not finding that particular show, but I found another kid show that seemed to interest her. I didn’t even know I had so many kids’ channels. Shane and I sat at the breakfast bar that adjoined the living room, so we could keep an eye on Dani, but have our own conversation. I had questions that needed answers. The biggest question was, would Shane tell me the truth or spew his incessant lies once again?

  “Shane, where’s Dani’s mom?” I ask him. I’ve learned from the past, be straight-forward with him. No tip toeing because he’ll tip toe the other way around the bush and pretty soon you’re both sitting on opposite sides with no answers.

  He puts his hands over his face, looking down at the table. “She’s dead. Overdose.”

  Here comes the sympathy. Damn it, Leah, you’re so easy. “Oh Shane, I’m sorry. When?”

  “Last week.”

  “Excuse me for asking this, why are you here?”

  “Leah, I need to ask one last favor.” He lifts his head up staring directly at me, and I brace myself. Money, a place to stay, maybe even borrow my car?

  “Shane…” I put my hand in front of me, stating I can’t do you any more favors, but then my eyes gaze o
ver at the little, blonde girl in my living room, and my heart breaks. We already have too much in common. I bring my hands back down. “What is it, Shane?”

  “I have to get clean for good. I can’t let Dani grow up without either one of her parents.” There’s a desperation in his eyes I have never seen before as he grabs my hands across the table. This type of affection is odd and unfamiliar in our relationship. Usually, we stick to the one arm hugs and maybe a kiss on the cheek.

  “I’m glad you have the determination, but what does that have to do with me?” I ask.

  “I have to go away to a facility for a thirty day program, and I want you to watch Dani for me.” He squeezes my hands, like that will seal the deal.

  I glance over at Dani and back to my brother. Letting out a deep breath, I contemplate my choices. Thirty days wouldn’t be so bad. How hard could it be? She’s cute and quiet, not jumping off the walls like other kids I’ve seen. We’ll play dress up, and she’ll play with my make-up and prance around in my shoes. It will be like babysitting for an extended period of time. Not to mention, I didn’t even know she existed until they showed up at my door, so I wouldn’t mind quality time with her.

  “Sure.” I haven’t seen Shane smile this genuine in over four years. Then it crosses my mind—I don’t know the first thing about kids, and I never was a babysitter.

  The train stopping draws me back to the present. After a few moments, I’m on my way back down another set of stairs and into the swarm of college life. Suddenly, dormitories and lecture halls surround me instead of residential houses and small retail shops. Everyone I pass is in their late teens or early twenties, all baring coffee cups in their hands. They’re dressed in their usual college student attire, girls in yoga pants, guys in track pants, both wearing sweatshirts. One of the older dormitories is currently being demolished and reconstructed next to Ambrose Hall, the psychology building, which is where most of my classes are since psychology is my major. Imagining the loud jack hammering that will be the background noise to my whole day has my head hurting already. Since it’s Friday, I’m at Ambrose Hall all day. I really wish they were done with construction already.

  Just as I’m starting to pass the chain link fenced off construction site, the jack hammering abruptly stops. Thank God. Maybe I won’t need my extra strength Excedrin this morning. By instinct I glance over at the men wearing brown construction boots and dirty jeans to find a group of four men blatantly appraising me from afar. Smiling politely, I turn my head back around to what’s in front of me and take a drink of my tea, attempting to mind my own business. I’ve already witnessed a few of these men hoot and holler at fellow college students, and I don’t want them to think I would welcome their whistles and cat calls. No matter how flattering it might be.

  Holding my breath, my pace speeds up with the end of the chain link fence my finish line. Then a deep, masculine voices hollers out, “Nice legs, sweetheart! What time do they open?” My brown boots come to an abrupt halt, and I turn on my heels to stare back at the guys. Two of the overweight middle-aged men are laughing, but shaking their heads back and forth in disbelief. While another one, who I assume is the culprit of the vulgar comment, is walking toward the fence, showing his pearly whites.

  I raise my finger and motion for the guy to come closer to me at the fence line, as though he has a shot of me actually spreading my legs for him. He isn’t bad looking for that bad boy womanizer kind of guy. He’s muscular, tanned, and has bright blue eyes that shine like glass. He steps up to the fence, smiling a cocky smirk, and I say loud enough for his friends to hear, “They open by appointment only, and I don’t see reservations for you in the future.”

  Guy number three turns back around, laughing off my insult, as though I wasn’t serious. His ignorance doesn’t fool me, I saw the disappointment and as much embarrassment as a guy like that can have on his face. I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s verbally assaulted a co-ed, and I’m sure it won’t be his last, but hopefully he’ll leave me alone from now on.

  I bring my cup up to my lips and spot guy number four’s attention still focused my way. He’s by no other word—HOT! His short dark hair and a lean muscular body has me intrigued from first glance. Although he’s too far away for me to see his eyes, his smile is enough for my knees to weaken. I quickly turn around, hoping my feet will keep up with me to reach that fence line. By the time I reach Ambrose Hall, I’ve finally released the breath I’ve been holding, and without looking back, I jog up the stairs to the security of the building.

  The sun is descending over the tall high-rise buildings by the time I’m leaving Ambrose Hall, leaving an orange glow along the Chicago sky. With winter approaching, the days are becoming shorter, dusk finding us earlier and earlier every day. The fenced off area on my left is now vacant. All the workers done for the day, thankfully. Jogging up the stairs to catch the train, I’m able to squeeze through the doors just as they’re about to shut. I throw my body in the hard orange plastic seat for the second time today, completely and utterly spent. Thoughts of picking Dani up, grabbing us something for dinner, bathing her and getting her ready for bed exhaust me. All before I can concentrate on my schoolwork. Right now, my appreciation for single parents grows deeper.

  After practically sprinting, I barely arrive at Kiddie Camp daycare by the six o’clock deadline. Mrs. Connie asks to speak to me before they bring Dani out. My stomach turns into knots, and I bite my lip, praying that she didn’t have some kind of a breakdown during the day.

  Mrs. Connie walks me into her small office. There’s barely enough room for her desk and the two chairs that sit on the other side. All the furniture is older but nice. There’s nothing on her desk and no files anywhere except the one in her hands, which I assume is Dani’s.

  “Please, Leah, have a seat.” She points to the brown plaid chair across from her.

  “Did something happen today?” My voice is practically shaking. I need this daycare more than my next breath. It was luck that I got in on such short notice. The city is known for long wait lists on the highly recommended facilities. There’s a very good chance Mrs. Connie snuck us in under the rug due to her big heart and sympathy to Dani’s situation.

  “Nothing out of the ordinary,” she says, leaning against her desk. Her thin legs cross at the ankles at the same time her frail arms wrap around her chest. “Leah, I sympathize with what’s happened to Dani, and that’s one reason why we agreed to take her even though we were full.” Guess my assumptions were correct. “She was a delight today, caused no trouble. She’s quiet and does prefer to play by herself mostly, but I expected that. It’ll take her time to find this is a place she can trust and be herself in. With all that said, Dani is not the reason I wanted to talk to you.” The matronly woman moves from leaning on the desk to take a seat on the other brown plaid chair next to me, and I instantly start knotting my fingers.

  “Um… What is the issue then?” Am I doing something wrong? Oh crap, it’s me, not Dani.

  “Oh, no issue, Leah. I noticed you are the only emergency contact on her forms. We need someone else in case we can’t get a hold of you. Is there anyone other than you we could call if something happens to Dani?” She’s leaning closer and the smell of her normally subtle floral perfume starts to make me a little nauseous. Or it’s the fact that I’m very much alone in this journey. Jason’s been no help, already rinsing his hands of the situation. With two parents dead and a grandma who lives an hour away, there’s not much family.

  It never crossed my mind that I’m her sole person. She has absolutely no one else except me. What if the train got delayed or my class ran long, and no one could pick her up? Damn my brother for not pointing this out; he’s the damn father, the parent. I’m just the aunt slash guardian now.

  I sigh, racking my brain, and then I fling my messenger bag open and grab my cell phone. Scrolling through the contacts I remember my brother programming Dani’s uncle’s number in my phone before he left. He can be her other in
case of emergency contact.

  “She has an uncle. I haven’t met him yet. I have his phone number and his first name, would that be okay?” I ramble while trying to find the information on my phone. When I look up, Mrs. Connie’s eyes are filled with worry. If she gives me those sad empathizing eyes anymore, I’m going to lose it. Does she doubt I can handle this? Does she think I’m in over my head? Well, I’ll prove her wrong, thirty days is nothing, and I’ve been through much worse.

  Putting her hand on my arm, “That should be good. May I suggest getting in contact with this uncle, so Dani gets to know him as well? Just in case he would be needed at some point.”

  “Yeah…we’re meeting him for pizza tomorrow. I’ll make sure I have all his contact information when we come in on Monday. I’m hoping maybe he can take her for a night sometime.” I scribble down his name Adam–Dani’s uncle–and phone number on the piece of paper and hand it over to her.

  “Just remember that Dani will be hesitant to new people in her life. I’m by no means a child psychologist, but I have years of experience with children. They need the stability, and with all the dramatic changes in Dani’s life recently, you have become her one stability—her constant. She needs to know she can trust you. Once the trust happens, she’ll start to come out of that shell she’s formed.” Mrs. Connie squeezes my arm and stands up. It’s the first time in this conversation I don’t feel as though she’s judging me, but rather concerned for both Dani and myself.

  “Thank you for your advice and guidance,” I whisper. I’m totally humiliated that I hadn’t come to this realization myself. Here I am a psych major, and I was about to throw this girl to a man she doesn’t know right after her mother dies and her drug addicted father abandons her to go to rehab. When I agreed to this, I never took into account how different my life would be after only a week, let alone a month.