Familiar Ground

by Michelle Lynn

She places her hand on my arm, and my vision focuses on those long fingers wrapped around my forearm. “I completely understand. I feel the same way.” My heart slows, and I recall how much we have in common. Two people with drug addicted siblings, who now have one connection—Dani, a niece they didn’t know until one week earlier.

  We have so much in common, more than I thought we would all those mornings when I would watch her walk past me. I imagine we could talk for hours comparing notes on similar fucked up situations. The money given, the half-hearted apologies, and the guilt of not doing more. The aggravation and predicaments our siblings put us through over the years.

  “Number forty-three,” a gravelly voice announces over the intercom.

  “That’s us.” I spring from the table, eager to escape the confines of the booth and our pull to one another. The emotions of Cassi dying are still very raw. I’ve told myself a million times it’s not Leah’s brother’s fault, but it doesn’t change that my sister is buried under a pile of dirt and he’s in some ‘rehab’ facility, which I’m sure isn’t the first time. As much as I want Leah, I’m not sure we can overcome the obstacles that formed between us a few hours ago when I realized we share too much. It seems so unfair to have so much in common, but it’s that commonality that’s too close for comfort. It should keep me denying my body where it wants to veer.

  On my way to the counter, I sense her eyes on me, and I’m hoping like hell she’s checking me out, like I have her all those mornings. Crap, Adam, get it together. Either you want her or you don’t.

  Staring at Adam’s ass when he leaves to get our pizza, a flush of heat strums through my body. He doesn’t seem to acknowledge how good-looking he is. I spot a few women at the table across from us, checking him out and laughing. The blonde is pointing to his ass, motioning for the other two to look. She’s been slyly glancing back and forth between her friends and our table for the last five minutes. Suddenly the heat in my body goes from arousal to anger with the thought of him with her. Jeez, Leah, jealousy? You’ve only known him a total of what? Three hours? Not to mention, I’m sure with a body like that he has a girlfriend waiting for him. What am I saying? Leah, let’s not forget Jason.

  “Oh shit!”

  “What is it?” Adam’s worried eyes look at me while he starts placing the paper plates down for Dani and me. When did he get back to the table?

  I fumble in my purse to find my cell phone. “I just forgot to tell my friend I would be late for our plans this evening?” I neglect to add the tidbit that the friend is actually my boyfriend. Now you’re being evasive with pertinent information. What is wrong with you?

  “Oh shit,” I repeat, whispering to myself as Jason’s text alert is blinking across my screen.

  “Oh shit?” Dani mimics me. Seriously, she decides now to say something more than yep?

  I stare up to Adam, who’s stifling a laugh. “No, Dani, Aunt Leah shouldn’t have said that.” I put my hand on her arm to signal her not to repeat me.

  Her face falls and her eyes find her lap, and guilt takes residence within me. Who thought it was a good idea for me to be this girl’s guardian for the next thirty days? “Dani.” Keeping my voice low and loving, I wait for her to bring her eyes to mine. When her warm eyes move to look up through her long dark eyelashes, I say, “It’s a bad word and neither one of us should say that, okay?”

  “Okay,” Dani says and hops up on her knees, starting to pick the pepperoni off her pizza.

  “Dani, I thought you wanted pepperoni?” Adam asks her, scrunching his eyebrows.

  “Uh huh, I did,” she says.

  “Then why are you picking them off?”

  “I eat them first,” she says popping a slice of pepperoni in her mouth.

  Adam and I release the laughter we’ve been holding since she repeated my foul slipup, and Dani’s forehead wrinkles with confusion.

  Jason: Leah, where r u?

  I was supposed to meet Jason at one, I look at my phone, its one-thirty. How did I forget to text him when we left the studio?

  Leah: Sorry, Jason, we went to Leonard Heights for pizza. I’ll text you when we r done.

  I try to cut it short, since I hate it when people are on their phone in front of others. Whereas, Jason is someone who’ll stop kissing me to see whose texting him, so of course he continues, seeing no problem with how rude the action is.

  Jason: What? When will u b home?

  My phone buzzes again, and I sigh, rolling my eyes.

  Leah: By five, meet me at my place?

  I leave my phone out and wait, since I know there’ll be more.

  Jason: Sure

  Finally, I stuff my phone back in my purse and attempt to concentrate on me, Dani, and Adam.

  Silence fills our table mostly. Adam tries to get Dani to start talking, but she keeps to her one word answers, not adding much. Once Dani finishes her pizza and ventures back to the fish tank, he turns toward me. “Sorry to keep you from your friend.”

  “Oh, no problem. I’m sure he understands this is a complicated situation.” At least, I hope.

  “He?” Adam raises his eyebrows.

  “Yes, my friend is a he.” I’m such an idiot, now it appears I was hiding the fact that I have a boyfriend. A low heat rises up my neck.

  “Boyfriend?” His eyebrows go up again.

  “Um…” Why am I stuttering? Just say it, Leah, yes, you have a boyfriend.

  “That’s okay, I shouldn’t pry. It’s none of my business.” Adam waves me off with his hand and goes back to eating his pizza.

  I wish it were your business. What, Leah? Where did that come from? What is wrong with you? Just stop thinking.

  “No, it’s fine. We need to get to know each other. I mean we are related now.” I glance at Dani and back to him. A flash of disappointment hits his eyes before it vanishes.

  “That’s true, we are here for Dani,” Adam replies without a smile.

  “It is,” I whisper.

  “It is what?”

  “It’s my boyfriend.”

  “Yeah,” he says in a deadpan voice, “I didn’t think a gorgeous girl like you would be available.” He coyly winks.

  What? My heart sinks, wondering what if I didn’t have Jason.

  “So, tell me the info?” I’m trying hard as hell to appear upbeat, even though I swear my heart just cracked slightly.

  “What?” She looks at me as though I have two heads.

  “You know, name, how long, job?” I sound like a damn girl at a sleepover or some shit but I’m desperate to know what I’m up against.

  “Um, okay…let’s see...Jason, year and a half, and a student,” she answers each question without revealing anything more. I don’t think he can be that great, since she tried to conceal him as a ‘friend’, but this is a roadblock I could’ve done without.

  “I can see why you’re with him, you don’t shut up about him,” I joke, needing to bring humor to this situation.

  “Oh, um…what else do you want to know?” She’s hesitant and shy, making me want her even more because of it. She nervously plays with her fingers, and I can’t help but find myself staring at her knotting them within themselves.

  “Major?”

  “Business,” she answers quickly.

  “Tall, dark, and handsome?” Of course he is, I mean look at her. She isn’t going to date some mutant, Adam.

  “I guess.” She bites her lip on the side, looking up at me through her dark eyelashes. Then she releases this little giggle at the question, and I discretely re-adjust my pants, so she doesn’t notice what is going on under the table.

  “More handsome than me?” I lean close, whispering it in her ear. I hear her breath suck in as she holds it in her lungs. I start laughing to calm her down, but I think from her reaction there might be a chance for me yet.

  Now for the big finale. “You live together?”

  “No.” I can’t help the smile that sneaks across my lips. My breath releases, knowing I definitely still
have a chance.

  We finish our pizza and start the long drive back to the city. Leah falls asleep almost immediately, and Dani busies herself with the toy I won for her playing one of those claw games. Leah was shocked it only took me two tries, but I hadn’t thought much of it. I’ve always been good at those games. But after seeing how impressed Leah was, I might have acted a little too cocky when I tried for another. I could’ve bought the whole damn machine with how much money I spent. My determination to accomplish a goal is my best, and worst, attribute. Eventually, I called defeat, and Leah smothered her giggle, trying to appear like she wasn’t laughing at me getting my cocky ass handed to me. I’d rather focus on the good of that moment and how Dani jumped up and down smiling when the claw released the toy into the slot. She rushed over, pushing the flap in with her small hand. When her hand escaped with the toy, her smile was ear to ear with happiness. That’s most likely why I went back a second time, I would’ve spent a hundred dollars after seeing her reaction the first time.

  Thinking this is a good time to engage Dani in conversation, I start asking her questions. She’s answers every question I ask, but hasn’t initiated any additional conversation.

  “Dani.” Her head picks up, and she stares back at me from the rearview mirror. “Is there anything you want to ask me?” I ask, using the most calm and friendly voice I have.

  “Do you know Uncle Jimmy?” she asks innocently. Out of all the questions she could ask, she chooses that one?

  “Yes, I do. Why do you ask?” Gritting my teeth, I act like the sound of his name doesn’t make my blood boil so high that it needs to explode like a volcano.

  “Can we go see him?” she asks.

  “No, sweetie, we can’t.” It’s extremely hard to remain composed. I wish Leah would wake up. She doesn’t have the history with the asshole, surely she could make Dani understand better than me.

  “Why not?” Well, let’s see. The uncle who really isn’t your uncle held the biggest hand in killing your mother.

  “I know it’s hard to understand everything going on right now, but I want you to trust me and your Aunt Leah.” I point towards Leah next to me. “Some of the people that were in your life with your mommy and daddy aren’t very good people.”

  “Oh, okay.” She shrugs her shoulders and looks out the window. I breathe in and out, thanking the powers that be that it was so easy to appease her.

  I look at these two adorable girls that just entered my life and realize my life has irrevocably changed. It will never be the same. I’ve already fallen in love with Dani; she reminds me so much of Cassi. Her curly hair obviously resembles her aunt’s, but the rest of her screams my sister. Even though Dani hardly ever smiles, when she does it makes me miss Cassi. When Cassi was younger, she was always so energetic and happy. Up until the day she turned to drugs. I wish I could’ve realized that when I saw her last.

  She came to my apartment a year ago, which pisses me off now because where was Dani and how come Cassi never told me about her. I know deep down why she never told me about her. It’s the same reason Shane never told Leah either. We would have forced them into a life they didn’t want, a life without drugs, which would have ended up with either my parents, Leah, or me having permanent custody of Dani while they got high somewhere.

  The last time I saw her it was raining, and I had just come home from a late class when I found her waiting for me in the alcove of my apartment complex.

  “Jesus, Cassi, you look like shit?” I hang my head down, shaking it back and forth, unable to look her in her no doubt desperate eyes. I fiddle with my keys and insert it into the lock.

  “I need help, Adam.” Her hair is thrown in a loose messed up ponytail, her clothes are filthy, no make-up, and no coat.

  “I figured…just come inside.” I reluctantly open the door for her.

  I let her into my apartment and make us something to eat. At this point it’s been six months since I saw her last. She looks the same; stringy brown hair, strung out eyes, and dirty as hell. I make tomato soup with spaghetti noodles, just like our dad does. She smiles at me when I place it in front of her, and I pray that she’s going to tell me it’s time, she’s trying to get clean, that she has finally hit her rock bottom. Just like all the other times, I’m wrong. She’s come to break my heart just a little more.

  “Adam…I’m in trouble, I need some money.” She blurts out, of course, she already knows I’m going to help her, but lately it’s more of an expectation rather than a request. She starts to lack remorse for asking her broke, college student brother to borrow money I need for more important things, such as books and rent. She only cares about one thing now, when and how she’ll get her next fix.

  “How much Cass?” I keep my head down, blowing into my soup. I divert my vision to anything but her big brown beseeching eyes. They still have the power to change my mind, make me back down from all the rants I scream over and over again in my head.

  “Two hundred should cover it.” She didn’t even try to make up some lame excuse as to why she needed it, not that I want to hear it anyways. I already know it’s going to drugs or for her rent and food because she spent all her money on drugs. A constant damn hamster wheel only ending on her getting what she wants.

  “Hold on.” I go to my bedroom and open up one of the DVD cases and pull the two hundred dollars out. It’s my emergency money, the money I slowly put aside that usually finds its ways into her hands. When I walk out of the bedroom with the money, she’s already finished her soup, and I can tell she’s itching to leave. “Here you go, Cassi.” I hold the money in my hand and her fingers fling to grab it like a kid who just spotted candy. I pull back the money right before she gets ahold of it. “Please, call Mom and Dad, let them know you’re safe.”

  She snaps the money out of my hand and wraps her arms around my neck. “You are a lifesaver, Adam, thank you, thank you, thank you.” She kisses me on the check and squeezes me tight. I’m instantly nauseated from the smell of stale cigarettes and wet hair. Soon, the old Cassi is with me again, smiling and happy right before she leaves me to get high.

  Ignoring my comment about our parents, she’s half way to the door. Cassi hasn’t talked to our parents since the day she left them right after her graduation. I’m the only part of her past she associates with, well, except for Jimmy the asshole.

  “Cass, wait.” She turns around and releases an agitated sigh. Now that she got what she came here for, she wants to make her usual fast getaway.

  “What Adam?” she snaps at me.

  “This is the last time, Cassi. Do you hear me? The last time.” I say this to her every time she comes here, but this time is it. I’m done being her enabler. I’ve done this much only because I’m desperate for our parents to get their daughter back. Something in me says the chances of that happening are slim.

  “Thanks, Adam.” She walks back over and gives me another hug. This one a little less love felt. “I love you, big brother,” she whispers in my ear.

  “Love you, too, little sis. Please, be careful.” I rub the hair on top of her head.

  Then she closes the door behind her. The next time I see Cassi is on a steel cold slab at the morgue.

  I stretch my legs and am cut short by my feet hitting an obstacle. When I press my back to the black contoured seat, I realize where I am. I turn my head to the left, and Adam is watching me as I absorb that we’re still driving. My lips turn up, and I pick my head up from the seat, realizing I have drool from my mouth down to my sweatshirt. You have got to be kidding me. How attractive, Leah? I quickly swipe my mouth with the back of hand while discretely looking out my window, praying to God Adam doesn’t notice.

  “That’s all right, I snore.” His eyebrows shoot up, admitting he just saw my drool.

  “I’m sorry, what?” That’s right Leah, go for confused.

  “I snore,” he repeats himself.

  “And?” Keep it up

  “You drool,” he laughs.

  �
�Not usually, I’m just overtired, I guess.”

  “Hey, no need for excuses.”

  “Whatever.” That’s good, Leah, go for bitchy, that should make this embarrassing situation better.

  Fifteen minutes later, we pull up next to my building. Jason is sitting on the steps. His elbows are resting on his thighs, and he’s fiddling with his phone. When he sees me in the passenger window, I spot his annoyance immediately. As he’s stalking over to the car, I brace myself for what I assume is about to transpire. Part of me feels like Cherry in the movie, The Outsiders, torn between two different worlds.

  “Boyfriend I assume?” Adam nods his head towards Jason.

  I swallow the lump that has currently taken permanent residence in my throat. “Yeah,” I answer.

  “Well, I guess he is tall, dark, and handsome. If you like that sort of thing.” He smirks at me, and I smile back, happy that he can bring humor to this situation.

  “I guess,” I say as my hand rests on the door handle. For some reason, I can’t pull it. A part of me wants to stay in the confines of this car, sharing the same breathing space as Adam. But the door handle soon leaves my grip, and Jason’s lower half obstructs my vision.

  “Hum… can he not wait to see you, or can he not wait to get you away from me?” Adam whispers in my ear while placing the car in park and getting out.

  My grin turns tight, and then Jason grabs my hand, practically dragging me out of the car. He grips my hips, pressing me against him in a hard hug. Then before I know it his lips are on mine, and he forces his tongue into my mouth. His hands start to move down my body, and he squeezes my ass in front of everyone on the street. The kiss displays all of his possessiveness, but it only makes anger rise within me. I place my hands on his chest, pushing him back with all my force. My pushing causes him to stumble backwards, because I caught him by surprise.