Familiar Ground

by Michelle Lynn

  “Oh really? Well, next time we’ll go there.” I pat her head and go into the kitchen to the fridge, taking out a yogurt.

  “Is that what you’re having for dinner?” Adam asks, walking closer to us.

  “I don’t have much, and I wanted to get back, so you could go home. I know you work early hours.” I open my drawer to grab a spoon, and I’m about to take the foil off the top when Adam grabs it out of my hands and places it back in the fridge.

  Standing there dumbfounded with a spoon in my hand and no yogurt in the other, I cock my head his way. “I’ll go grab you something. There’s a hot dog stand down the street. Do you like everything?”

  “I only like ketchup.” I cringe because everyone in Chicago knows that hot dogs are meant to have everything but ketchup.

  “All right, there’s a deli because as much as I like you Leah, I’m not about to get my ass kicked for requesting that.” Realizing why he wouldn’t want to get screamed at for ordering a hot dog with ketchup only, it’s the exact reason I don’t eat hot dogs anymore, anyways. Of course, sometimes when I pass by the smell makes me almost take my chances. If it’s empty I contemplate it further, but eventually talk myself out of it.

  “Just get me a ham and cheese. Let me give you some money.” I walk over to my purse and begin digging money out. When I look back up, Adam already has his shoes and coat on.

  With his hand on the doorknob he says, “I’ll be right back.” He leaves, and I still have the money in my clutches. Placing it on the table, I sit on the couch with Dani, and we watch the show that’s on.

  “So, you had fun with Uncle Adam?” I ask.

  “Yes, he’s silly,” she says, and I grin, happy that’s she’s happy.

  “He is, isn’t he?”

  “Uh huh.” She nods, contently watching her show.

  Ten minutes later, Adam knocks, and I say come in.

  “Leah, you should really keep this locked.” He walks in, turns the locks, and places the brown bag on the breakfast bar.

  The aroma alone of those hot dogs and fresh cut, greasy fries wafts its way over to me, and my shoulders fall while I sigh before ever opening the bag. “You put your life on the line for me.” I place my hand over my heart.

  “Yeah, well…it was nothing,” he stutters, staring down at his feet shuffling back and forth on the floor. When he looks back up, he busts out laughing. “You do realize, you are paying them? They might give you shit,” he covers his mouth and glances at a very disinterested Dani, “but ultimately, they’ll give you what you want.”

  “Thank you. I really appreciate it,” I graciously say, taking my seat.

  “Hey, anytime you want a hot dog, you know who to call.” He smirks, joining me at the counter.

  I unfold the wrapper, and there’s a greasy hot dog in a poppy seed bun with only a red line of ketchup on top. I pick it up and take a bite, popping the casing open. “Holy goodness,” I remark with a moan, placing it back down, continuing to chew.

  Adam stares at me, and I suddenly realize how stupid I must look. Enjoying something you can practically find on any street corner in Chicago. Although, not all are created equal. “Man, I’ve never wanted to be a hot dog so bad,” he says, leaning back in the chair.

  “Nice—typical man response,” I sneer, taking another bite and then getting up to grab a diet seven-up from the fridge.

  “No sexual innuendo about it being a hot dog and resembling a part of my body. But now that you mention it…” He nods his head, most likely thinking of about ten lines he could spout right now. “It’s just you’re enjoying it so much, and elation shows all over your face. I’m envious,” he continues, and I smile with a closed mouth, since I’m still chewing.

  Cracking open my soda can, I swallow another bite. “Well, it’s been forever, and it didn’t disappoint. It’s as good as I remember.” I grab a fry and start eating it, becoming a little more lady like than a few moments ago.

  “You keep saying things I wish were not about a damn hot dog.” He laughs, so I join in.

  “Sorry.” I shrug my shoulders.

  “I doubt that, but maybe—,” he stops short, and I don’t ask him to finish. Words are being crossed over lines that shouldn’t be wavered.

  “Do you want one?” I offer a fry; otherwise, I have no idea what to do now.

  “Sure, your niece took all mine earlier.” He picks one up, and I watch it as it moves past his lips. I need to shake these lustful urges I have for him.

  I finish my hot dog while Adam helps me with my fries. Cleaning everything off the counter, I clap my hands. “Ready, Dani, bath time,” I announce, and she sits up. I briefly wonder if one day she won’t be so accommodating. Isn’t she a toddler, shouldn’t she be throwing a fit at some point?

  “Do you mind if I stay and help?” Adam asks, and I glance at him from the corner of my eye.

  “You’re always welcome, but are you sure?” I question.

  “I’m sure.” He follows us down the hall, and I turn on the water while he helps Dani undress. I rush into her room to grab her pajamas and underwear, but when I get back, Adam’s already washing her hair, and she’s tossing water back and forth between the two plastic cups I gave her last night. Bath toys are on my list if I ever find my way to the store.

  “Oh…” He turns around to find me in the doorway. “Thank you,” I say, relieved to have a night off from bathing her.

  “No problem.” He faces Dani again and continues rinsing her hair. Dumping buckets full of water on her head she begins to resemble Cousin Itt from The Adams Family. She loves it, giggling and repeating more…more.

  I lean against the doorframe, watching the two of them enjoying each other’s company so much. It brings comfort to me that Dani will have Adam in her life. From what I know of him, he’ll be such a great male role model, if ever… Although I try to remain optimistic in Shane’s recovery, the chances he’ll stay clean forever are slim. According to the facts, we’re looking at a thirty percent chance. If he can’t kick this, Dani is left behind without parents. But, one thing is for certain, she’ll have me, and, from the looks of it, she’ll have Adam, too. Giving her time to play a little, Adam stands up and wipes his hands on the towel hanging.

  “Got a little wet,” I mention, pointing to his now drenched shirt.

  “Yeah, she’s a splasher,” he remarks, and I laugh.

  “You initiated it,” I tease. “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

  I walk down the hall and open up Shane’s bedroom, or what was his room once upon a time. It’s a room I have a hard time being in even to this day. The last time I walked in here, Shane was passed out face down on the floor in his own vomit. I thought for sure he’d done it—killed himself, but turned out he was close. Thankfully, he didn’t succeed. The ambulance arrived with sirens blaring, and two paramedics came in and placed him on a gurney. Not able to do it myself, I hired a maid to clean it up and fix his room as best she could. That was the day I went to the hospital and told Shane he was out, that I couldn’t do it anymore. He never came back for his clothes or anything else. It was six months later before he arrived on my doorstep again.

  Cutting off the memories and digging a shirt out of the drawer, I walk back down and hand it over to Adam. He rips off his old one and places it on the sink. Holy shit, construction work does a body good. I can honestly without a doubt admit, I’ve never seen a body so rippled and lean in all my life. My fingers itch to reach out and draw a line down his defined abs. His jeans hang low, allowing my imagination to burst into fireworks of how splendid it would be to unbutton those pants and free him.

  “Uh um,” I hear a clearing of throat and blink my eyes before finding a very satisfied Adam smirking down at me. “Do you mind if I toss this in your dryer really quick?” he asks, and I nod, pointing down the hall because my voice is failing me at the moment. Squeezing past me in the doorframe, he leans in. “Feels just as good as it looks,” he whispers in my ear, and I grip the edge of
the sink to keep from falling…although, I’m certain I already am.

  “Aunt Leah,” Dani calls, standing up in the tub.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie.” I pull her towel from the rack and wrap her up. Just as I’m about to dry her off, my phone starts ringing in the other room.

  “Do you want me to get it?” Adam appears in the doorway, and I practically bolt out of the room.

  “No…I have it…but…thank you.” I pick it up on the last ring. “Oh, hi Shane.”

  “Don’t be so happy to hear from me,” he says from the other end.

  “It’s not that. I thought you were Jason.” I begin pacing. His phone calls have instilled the nervous habit.

  “The boyfriend, right?” he asks.

  “Yeah.” Our conversations are still filled with awkwardness.

  “Is Dani still awake?” His voice is low and fear circles around me that he’s depressed, and that will lead him to leave rehab.

  “She’s just finishing her bath. Hold on a second.” I walk down the hall, and they aren’t in the bathroom, so I go to her bedroom where I find a Dani already getting dressed. Adam turns around, and I mouth thank you. “Dani, you want to talk to Daddy?” I ask, and she jumps away from Adam and waits for me to hand the phone down her.

  She takes it and walks into the living room. “Hi, Daddy,” I hear her begin to talk and then a few uh huhs and yes.

  “Thank you for helping me tonight,” I say, and Adam approaches me.

  “Leah, she’s my niece, too,” he reminds me, and I nod my head. I can’t even describe how nice it is going about our daily rituals with someone else.

  “Still, Adam—it means a lot to me.” I place my hand on his shoulder, and he looks down at it and then back to me. He stares into my eyes, his honey-colored irises saying so much he can’t express. This pull, or lust, or whatever it might be, is only growing stronger. We both feel this connection, and it’s beginning to unconsciously control us. “Do you want to read her a goodnight story?” Interrupting the moment to focus on Dani’s three books she brought with her.

  “I would love to,” he says, continuing to look at me with those desire filled eyes.

  “Here you go, Aunt Leah, Daddy wants to talk to you.” Dani saves the day by bustling into the room and handing me the phone. She grabs the book from my hands, thrusting it into Adam’s. He takes the book without breaking our gaze. Taking a few breaths in and out, I bite my lip, and turn around to exit the room.

  “Hey, Shane, what’s up?” I ask him trying to bring my heart back down to a normal beating flow.

  Shane tells me his therapy is going well. He’s met a lot of friends, which isn’t unlike Shane in any social situation. Hopefully, he’s not bullshitting them. Then he drops the bomb: there’s a family therapy session next weekend that he wants me to attend with Dani. All the pressure of this begins to swim in my mind. I have my research, papers and work. Now I have to change my schedule to go close to seven hours away. The tears start building in my eyes, and I sit on the couch with my hands on my head as he explains how helpful it will be for me as well as him. How can I deny him every chance to clean up his life? I fixate on Dani’s small shoes by the doorway and reluctantly agree after a few minutes. I’ll figure something out I say. We end the conversation with a pleasant good-bye. No I love yous or take care. Just a simple ‘Bye’.

  Sometimes, I wonder if Shane even understands what he’s done to my life. Yes, I’ve continued to live without him for the past few years. Well, more like him weaving in and out of my life, but it never stopped my mind from being saturated with questions like where he was or if he’d died and no one notified me. Wondering if they would notify me if he was found in some viaduct from being homeless. Was he high somewhere, walking the streets in confusion, his body bouncing off the wall as he tries to walk a straight line? Every ambulance siren, worrying it could be him lying in the truck. Every wrong number, thinking it’s him trying to call me from someone else’s phone, or worse a hospital or police station contacting me while my thumb rested just above answer, debating in my head to answer it or not.

  Before I realize how much time has passed, my head is in my hands while tears well up in my eyes. Two strong hands grip my shoulders, and I blink my eyes, allowing the tears to drop down my cheeks and clear my vision. Adam’s concerned face sits in front of mine. “I know,” is all he says before, pulling my body to his. He sits on the couch, curling my body up against his. Rubbing my back up and down, he doesn’t say anything, but let’s me get it all out. “He’s on the right track at least,” he finally adds, and I bring my head up from his second shirt drenched tonight. A sadness comes over me when I look into his eyes that he’ll never be overwhelmed from his sister’s disease again, but he’ll grieve her every day of his life. Which is better? I have no clue, but it sucks either way.

  “What if—,” I begin, but he quickly interrupts me.

  “You can’t do that, Leah. Believe me, I know how hard what I’m about to tell you is—just live, and if he fails, deal with it then. If you waste your time consuming your every thought with ‘what if’, you’ll never enjoy your own life.”

  “It’s just so hard. I desperately want him to get clean. For Dani’s sake at least, but so much can go wrong. So much is against him,” I admit fears I can’t tell anyone else. Jason doesn’t care to listen.

  “I know, but I’ll be here for you. I know we barely know each other, but we’re kind of kindred spirits, you know?” he says, and I nod my head. Lowering my head to his shoulder, he allows me to continue letting out all the built up emotions.

  Eventually, I calm down, and he allows me to tell him everything I’m afraid of, and we compare the obstacles that have been our life. In all the years of dealing with this disaster, I’ve never shared this much with someone about Shane, or myself for that matter. Letting it all out lifts me up somehow, and I’m starting to crave more exploration of my feelings about my ordeal with Shane. As though Adam’s my therapist, he leads me to the root of my fear, which is obvious, Dani. What if something happens to her from a result of Shane’s addiction?

  Control—it’s something I’m not good with giving up, but I have no choice in this. I can’t control Shane, his decisions, or his actions. I’m stuck on the sidelines, watching him and praying like hell he changes directions. For some reason, it’s Adam that brings a comfort to me that I haven’t experienced by anyone else.

  When Adam stands to leave for the night, he yawns and his shirt rises slightly, giving me a brief glimpse to his amazing stomach once again. He puts on his shoes and jacket.

  “Thank you for everything tonight,” I say, giving him a hug. The scent of his fresh soap still lingers on his skin.

  “You’re welcome. Why don’t you let me take Dani for the night this weekend? You can get some stuff done,” he suggests, and as much as I don’t want to pawn Dani out, it would be so helpful, and he’s more than proven his worth.

  “Oh, I’d be eternally grateful to you,” I say, using my sweetest voice.

  He rubs his hands together. “What do I get for it?” he jokingly asks.

  “A fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies,” I say, and he cringes.

  “All right, I might have to rethink the offer if that’s the case then,” he tells me, and I slap his shoulder.

  “Just kidding…sort of.” He laughs. “I’ll pick her up Saturday—from your work?”

  “Um…yeah if you don’t mind. I’m there until noon.”

  “Maybe I’ll come early and check it out.” He winks, and I widen my eyes.

  “Goodnight, Adam.” I turn him around and guide him out the door.

  “Goodnight, Leah. Sweet dreams.” I wait for him to reach the bottom of the stairs before shutting and locking the door.

  When I turn off all the lights and walk down the hall, I remember his t-shirt is in the dryer. I open the dryer door and take out the soft blue t-shirt. After I fold it, I bring it my nose to sniff his now familiar scent mixed with
the fabric softener. A smell I could definitely get used to.

  I purposely arrive at the dance studio early Saturday. The anticipation of catching sight of Leah in one of those tight leotards, bending over or shaking her ass is much too appealing to deny myself. When I open the doors, a chime rings, and the girl from last week looks me up and down before her gaze finally comes to rest on my face.

  “Leah?” she asks, and I nod.

  “Yeah,” I answer.

  “She’s in room four. Go ahead.” She points down the hallway.

  I pass a small waiting room filled with women reading off their tablets or talking on their phones. When I peer in the window of the door labeled four, there’s Leah in the front of a bunch of teenage girls. They all mimic her moves, and she keeps stopping the music and starting it. Sneaking in, I slide along the wall, and Leah smiles over at me. All the young girls follow her vision and then share looks between themselves.

  Leah is completely professional, not that I expected any less. She corrects certain girls, and then she asks them to watch her perform it. All the girls rush over and sit on the floor huddled together in the corner. Leah presses play on the stereo and holds a position in front of the girls. “That Power” by Will I Am begins playing, and Leah’s body starts moving. I suddenly think it was a horrible idea that I came here early. Her gorgeous body shakes, bends, and seductively calls to every part of my own. The urge to grab her and press her up against that mirror is so strong, my brain may not win this round. When she turns around my way and begins stepping up to me while her torso bends and straightens like a wave in the ocean, I’m shifting my stance. Just before she reaches me, she turns and makes her way back to the girls, stomping her feet and shaking her ass. My heart stops when she bends over displaying her ass in the air. I’m pretty positive my jaw just dropped to the ground. Composing myself, I stand a little straighter, taking deep breaths, as though I’m a woman in labor. The dance ends, and the girls clap. Her head turns over her shoulder, and she smirks at me, making me raising my hands in appreciation, too.