Off the Deep End

by R. Jayne Revere

  She backed away from him. Stumbling to the railing, she grabbed on to steady herself and leaned out as far as she possibly could. Not wanting to see. But needing to. Just frothy water, bubbles, and foam in slow dissipation in the shallow waves. She scoured the surface. Nothing.

  Shouts. Boots clomping across decking. Ship’s crew rushing to their aid. Captain Mac’s voice reached her ears, several others, but she paid no attention to any of them. The cold of dripping steel under her hands permeated her spirit, injecting a numbness as though it meant to drain away her very life force. Hollow, icy fingers wormed their way around her heart. A desperate pang of desolation, unlike anything she’d ever experienced enveloped her.

  This can’t be real… it’s just cruel!

  She lifted a foot to the bottom rung, and Les’s hand closed on her arm. The sadness in his damp eyes told her everything she didn’t want to know. At last forcing herself away, she turned and sank to wet floorboards, back against the rail, and buried her face in her knees.

  “Craziest, bravest son of a bitch I ever knew.” Les slumped down next to Alex, put a comforting arm around her, and held her while she cried.

  Captain Mac spoke up then, loud so all could hear. “That man saved your lives. Saved all our lives. We owe him everything.”

  An overseas flight back to the States. Two days of debriefing and counseling meetings with Jimmy and some officials. Another flight across the country to the West Coast. Eight days now since her return home. Time to try getting back to normal.

  Normal. Alex remained unconvinced she would ever feel normal again. What part of that word could hold any real significance for her now? And did she want it to? She should at least make a solid attempt to rejoin what had been her life. Before. Shouldn’t she? Or should she just chuck it all and take off, start over, find distractions for her reeling mind? Would that provide relief?

  They had all been advised to seek professional help to cope with their traumatic experience. Alex had yet to make any appointment. She had, however, confided as much as she could bring herself to say to her best friend and had spoken with her brother several times by phone and text. Their compassion and counsel had helped keep what remained of her sanity intact.

  A quick check through emails. She answered several, deleted most, got up and went to the kitchen to pour a second cup of coffee. After a shower, she completed phone calls, setting a couple of business appointments for the following week. The day before the trip, she’d taken canvases and photography prints to the local gallery to show. Though Lou had attended them, along with her own artworks for the showing, Alex should put in a personal appearance within the next few days. The last thing she wanted to do at the moment, however, was chat with the public even if it was about one of her passions. A groan accompanied knuckles rubbing weary eyes before she grabbed the remote. Her flat-screen snapped to life.

  Glued to news sites and channels for days after returning, she’d lived in a hope that maybe there would be something. Anything. A lone survivor washed up on shore? An unidentified man in a hospital? But no word would ever come. A plain brown package two days prior had given her hope, but it ended up containing her pistols that Mac had retained as part of the crew’s arsenal and had now returned to her. Glad to have them back, she still couldn’t help the feeling of letdown. She’d never know the true objective of the search either. Jimmy couldn’t tell her even if he were made privy to those details. So many unanswered questions tormented her mind.

  Just as she started flipping channels, a knock pounded on her front door. The remote dropped from her fingers and coffee sloshed from her mug. Dammit! Too many things made her edgy these days. She jumped up and grabbed a paper towel off the bar to swipe at her shirt and calmed herself as she crossed the room.

  A peek from behind the curtain. Jimmy! She undid the lock and threw open the door.

  “Hey, how ya doin’, sis?” He stepped forward and engulfed her in a hug.

  “Oh my goodness!” She returned his warm embrace. “What are you doing all the way out here?”

  “Flew in yesterday. Had to wrap up a couple of things at the university out here, so I thought I’d stop by and surprise you.”

  She stepped back and let him inside. “I’m so glad you’re here. It’s good to see you. I’m okay, I guess,” she told him in answer to his initial question. “How about you? And how’s Will doing?”

  “I’m all right. And he’s doing good too. It’s funny, but he really likes going to his meetings,” he continued as they made their way to the kitchen table and sat down. “Says his psychiatrist is fun and likes sports too.” He chuckled. “I think he’s doing better than me. But we’ll be okay.”

  “I’m so glad,” Alex said, putting a hand on her brother’s arm. “I’ve been worried about you guys. Especially him. Because of Mario.” She looked down at the table, shook her head, and looked back up at her brother.

  “I know. But he seems good. Even been talking about him. And the other guys too. Oh, I almost forgot.” He reached into his jacket pocket and produced an SD card, which he put on the table in front of her. “I found it in the bottom of my bag. They must have missed it when they searched everything. I’d forgotten about it, but it’s yours.”

  Alex picked up the small item and gave him a questioning look.

  Jimmy continued. “That day when you let Will have your camera? Well, he took more than a few pictures and he came to me, worried about filling it up. I didn’t have the time to go through and see if I could delete some of his, so I just gave him one of my cards to put in. It was empty, so you’d have plenty of space, and I just shoved this in my bag. But I wanted to make sure you had it back if you want it.”

  She looked at the SD card in her hand and back to her brother. “So what they took from my camera was only from… the day of the pirates?” Oh thank God…

  “Yeah, I guess. Just whatever you took after Will had it. I think he might have taken a few more on it too, but I told him just a couple.”

  She closed her hand around it. “I’ll look at them later. Thank you. When they confiscated all the equipment and computers and stuff, I thought everything was gone.” She shook her head. “But I don’t think I can do it right now.”

  “Of course. If you want to throw it away too, do it. Just destroy it first if you do. Just for safety’s sake. And don’t worry, under the circumstances, I did take the liberty of looking through it. Didn’t find anything that would be considered sensitive info, at least in my professional opinion. I just wanted you to have it. I know how you love your pictures. But I know it may be hard to go through them.”

  Alex nodded. It would be difficult. She slid the SD card into her pocket. “How’d it go with your personal debriefing? Did they ask about Les?”

  Jimmy stretched back in his chair. “It went well. No unusual questions. Mac had added Les to the crew roster, so that was thankfully covered. Man, do I owe Mac. And we must’ve been convincing enough about the attack being random pirates. Plus”—he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table and lowering his voice as if to tell her a secret—“they recovered the plane!”

  “That’s awesome!” Alex sat up straight. “When?”

  “Three days after we got back to the States.”

  “Wow, that’s fast!”

  “And… they were very pleased with my accuracy. I guess other consultants had said it’d be damn near impossible to find, so they weren’t even convinced I could do it. Gave Mac and the crew a nice bonus. Sent extra for Mario’s family.” He looked down at a napkin on the tabletop and pushed at it. “It can never compensate…”

  Alex reached out and laid a hand on top of his.

  Jimmy cleared his throat. “Les is off the grid. There’s a post office box in Montana under a woman’s name. Only contact info I have for him. I sent him the team’s fee, plus. Least I can do. He can handle what to do with it from there.”

  It pained her seeing her brother so dejected. Shifting to a happier topic, she s
aid, “I’m glad you’re taking a leave. You deserve the time off. And Will’s gonna love it.”

  Jimmy’s countenance brightened. “I’ve been considering it for a while. This whole ordeal drove it home. The universities will be fine without me. I don’t want to miss any more time with him. Think we’ll sail for a while. Some short trips at first. He says he’s ready to be out on the water. At least what happened didn’t scare him off from that.”

  They talked for a while and had lunch before he got ready to leave for the airport and his flight home.

  “Are you still planning on moving?” Jimmy asked as Alex walked him down the sidewalk to his rental.

  “Yeah, definitely. Just not sure when, or where exactly.” She smiled at him. “I’ve been holding back way too much in my life. Time for some major changes. And I’ve gotta make up my mind sooner or later. This place has always just been temporary for me, but it’s been nice. And I know Lou wants me to at least stay in the area.” She paused as they got to his car. “We’ve done some hiking and camping up north. It’s gorgeous up there. And I’ve done some searches on cabins and properties. We’ll see. But the pine trees, oh my God, you wouldn’t believe how big! And the smell!”

  “Know that old pine tree in our front yard when we were kids? You had so many cones!” Jimmy laughed as he glanced skyward. “I think Dad secretly got rid of some every now and then. He didn’t think you’d notice.”

  “Oh, believe me, I noticed. And I still have a few.” She nudged her brother’s elbow.

  “Sounds like a great spot for you then.”

  “Yeah. But stick me in the middle of a pine forest like that and you may never see me again. I can work remotely now, you know.”

  “What, no Christmas invite?”

  “You know I’m kidding! Mostly.” Alex offered a sassy grin. “Of course you and Will are always welcome wherever I live.”

  Jimmy gave her another hug before opening the door, then said as an afterthought, “I still think you should travel first. Go on an adventure. Go see the world ’n’ stuff.” His tone was half joking, but he turned more sincere. “Like I’ve said before, you’ve got the perfect job for it. You can go anywhere. As you say, work remotely. And now you’ve got opportunity. You should. Just go.”

  “You’re always telling me that.” She crossed her arms and cocked her head at him. “Okay. I’ll take it into consideration. But I think maybe I’ve had quite enough adventure for a while. I’ll be sure to let you know though. Call me when you get home?”

  “I will,” he said. “We’ll talk more soon. Love ya, kid.”

  “Love you too.”

  Jimmy got in, started the engine, and drove away.

  Later that evening, Alex sat at her computer, card in hand. Was she ready to see the pictures? Relive those memories so soon? She squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled, held, opening them again on an extended exhale. Best go ahead and go through them. Get it over with. She stuck the card in the slot and began her download.

  Scenic photos, the dock, the ship, the ocean, several sunsets and sunrises. Random pictures of the crew, her brother, her nephew. A group shot of the three of her family and the crew. One of the protection detail. Though reluctant to have any taken, the three agreed to pose for one. And one of Will with Les at the rail. A couple of her being silly that Will had taken. Another she took of Les and Aaron at the rail. Looking back now, had they been discovered, these photos would have raised unfortunate questions as to the identity of unregistered parties aboard. Unless Mac had a cover for that too. A couple more snapped of the submersibles and crew at work, Captain Mac at his post. She wiped her eyes as recent memories came flooding back through the images on her screen. She had taken quite a few, but those were what she remembered. The rest were from Will’s hand.

  There were a lot; her brother was not wrong. She always loaded the larger card first, expecting to take way too many herself.

  Will had a good eye for photography, though sometimes a clumsy finger. A couple of shots showed only deck. Unless there was some small bug that she just couldn’t see. She chuckled. He was also sneaky. The few of her relaxing on the upper deck she hadn’t known about. She’d located the most secluded spot she could in order to remain discreet while getting some sun. Will had obviously found her.

  Also, more of the three hired men. They had likely not known either as they appeared in various states of horsing around. Fun and informal. Aaron’s smile. Oh God. She fought back the growing lump in her throat and her stinging eyes. Some silly ones of Mario holding a fake carrot mustache balanced on his upper lip. She looked away, and the tears came as she recalled in all too vivid detail his heroic last stand.

  After a few moments she wiped damp cheeks again and continued. There was one of Shane from a distance, talking on his sat phone. A sickening punch to her gut. Exactly who had he been speaking to? She almost deleted it, not wanting to look at him, but didn’t. More of the crew, some of Jimmy, one of a seagull on the roof deck of the bridge. A couple of attempted selfies with Will making a silly face. She smiled.

  The next one made her breath catch. She and Aaron sat on the deck, facing each other, laughing. She tried to remember what had been said in that exact moment but couldn’t.

  Movement beside her. Sami, her friend’s cat, jumped up on her legs. She hugged him tight and buried her face in the black fur on his back. A happy rumble of purrs, and she let him settle onto her lap.

  Alex looked up to the screen. Would she ever know for sure, ever really gain closure? No body had been recovered. Excruciating as it had been to hear, Jimmy explained to her that that wasn’t uncommon in ocean environments. Especially with the explosion. And Les’s hug at the dock, encompassing and drawn out. The salute to her as he walked away before disappearing into the crowd. That distant look in his eyes; the same as just after the explosion when he’d been at the rail of the ship. When he could barely bring himself to look at her. The desolate suffering. So final.

  Why was she still so caught up with this? Why did it still affect her so? Why did he? Was it just the extreme situation that had come to such a dramatic and violent end? She had known Aaron for less than a month, but the pain she experienced felt like she’d lost someone close whom she’d known her entire life. The depth of emotion seemed absolutely ridiculous!

  Her first day back, after Lou left her apartment, she’d cried herself numb. The next four, she’d sobbed herself to sleep each night. Now she just tried to keep him off her mind. To no avail. Maybe she did need to talk with a professional. Maybe just more time was needed to get past it all.

  Aaron. That signature half smile, sometimes sarcastic or whimsical, but a reaction more representative of the friendly, interested, and inquisitive side of his nature. He was unique and kind with an undertone of sadness. A lot more existed under the surface than he let show.

  They’d shared great conversations on that short voyage, plans and dreams, past remembrances. Sitting and talking with him about life in general and hearing the stories he was willing to share from days gone by had become her daily guilty pleasure. He possessed a wonderful, contemplative take on many things. God, I miss that. Miss him.

  How in the world had he ever wound up in such a hard profession? His thoughtful, bright, and at times downright silly personality, when he did let that surface, appeared in extreme conflict with the stringency and combat skills, the violence sometimes required in protection work. That was the key though. Protecting others. That was the aspect that made it work. And he was damn good at it. The precision of his movements. His quiet intensity. Sharp and controlled. Everything with intent and purpose. Always deliberate, never sloppy. Some of it had to be a natural athletic ability, but however else he’d come by his expertise, the man had known his stuff.

  Just the right hint of cologne. The first time he’d passed close by, the memory of a childhood family trip to the mountains had jumped to mind. Surrounded by pine trees. Never overpowering, his subtle, enticing woodsy scent enchanted her
. Even sweaty and dirty as they’d stood hidden in that tiny compartment off her room, his body pressed to hers, fingers intertwined, she’d been captivated. That moment had imprinted the essence on her soul forever.

  And that crazy weird electricity in his touch, whatever cool oddity that was. Aside from that, just being around him magnetized her far more than any physical presence could account for.

  Musings wandering too far now, she snapped herself back to reality and the present moment. Yeah, meet someone that exceptional, whom she’d also experienced a real connection with, and he ended up getting himself killed. And even though that act involved him doing a thing utterly selfless and brave, saving her family’s lives, it still hurt like hell.

  Why does this have to feel so bad? What is this? Yep. I’ve officially lost it…

  She let out the breath she held and continued through the remaining dozen or so photos. The last few were of Aaron and Les. Will must have taken it as a personal challenge when they said no more pictures. Them at the railing, talking and laughing. A couple of Les by himself, looking out over the ocean. The last three were Aaron. Leaning on the railing, one foot propped up on the bottom rung. Facing out toward the sunset, the soft orange glow highlighting deep introspection. An exquisite capture. The next, he stood looking down at the deck. The last brought her a surprised and eerie charge. Standing tall, eyes fixed out of frame, hand on the grip of his holstered pistol. Downright handsome, but serious. A little too serious, even for him.

  Reflecting on those photos brought her tears once more. The beauty in them just enhanced the sense of loss. Why, oh why, did things have to end the way they did? I’m so tired of feeling shitty! This hurt needs to stop!

  She jacked in a fresh USB drive and backed up everything. She would not leave them on the computer. Flash drive and the SD card stowed in a safe place in her desk, she turned out the light and carried Sami in to join his feline sister Mia on the corner of her bed. Flannel sheets that should have snuggled her in coziness were cold and lonesome. Sleep would not come easy again tonight.