by Hart, Alana
When I got back to the hotel room, I promptly put my fist through the wall like a petulant teenager. I knew Ellie didn't belong to me. I knew she wasn't my property. Well, part of me knew it. It was some other part, some lizard-brain throwback, that refused to accept it. Ellie Parker belonged with me. That's what my lizard brain said, anyway. That's what it insisted upon.
I went down to the convenience store next to the hotel, bought a six pack of crappy beer and took it back to my room to drink, alone and brooding. I wanted to call Jess but I was too ashamed to tell her how badly I'd acted. I wanted to call Ellie and beg for her forgiveness, but I'd seen the anger and hurt in her eyes before I left. She didn't want to talk to me.
The next day, when I woke up, I felt sick. Sick at how I'd treated Ellie, sick at having so badly screwed up our first meeting after so many years apart and sick at the fact that I still couldn't bear even the briefest moment imagining her with someone else. I wanted to hunt down her 'Bill' and tear him to pieces. I stumbled into the bathroom and looked at my unshaven, bleary-eyed face in the mirror.
What the fuck was I thinking? It was almost as much of a shock to me as it probably had been to poor Ellie the night before. I'd never really experienced anything like it before - that boiling, automatic sexual jealousy that seemed to bubble up from out of nowhere. After a shower and a shave I collapsed onto the bed and thought about what to do. I could call Jessica and get her advice. I could slink back to Los Angeles like the guilty asshole I was. Or I could try and apologize to Ellie. It had to be option three. Even if she told me to fuck off, there was no other way to live with myself if I didn't even try. I hopped into the cramped front seat of the rental car and drove over to her trailer, filled with dread at what she might say. When I got there, a man with greasy-looking hair and rounded shoulders was standing outside. He turned to see who it was when he heard me get out of the car.
"Is Ellie in?"
He peered at me through eyes that looked even redder and more bloodshot than my own.
"Who are - holy fuck, you're Cade Parker!"
The front door opened and Ellie appeared, arms crossed over her chest and eyes darting back and forth between me and the other man.
"Bill," she said, warily, "it's alright, I've got it."
But Bill wasn't about to leave Ellie alone with me, which didn't surprise me at all.
"Holy shit, Ellie, you weren't kidding. Cade Parker. Damn." He turned to me. "What do you want?"
I could feel the hostility emanating from Ellie's boyfriend - or whatever he was - but I could also feel him holding back a little. It was more than obvious who would win a fight if it came to that, which I hoped it didn't.
"I don't want any trouble. I just want to talk to Ellie for a few minutes," I said, trying to keep the surprise that Ellie would ever be with a man like that out of my voice so as not to offend her.
"Ellie's got to go to work, she doesn't have time."
I looked at Ellie. Her expression was distant. "Ellie. Let me drive you to work. Please. I only need five minutes and then I'll leave you alone."
She let me drive her to work, but I knew it was probably more out of a wish to avoid any ugliness between Bill and I than it was interest in hearing anything I had to say. As soon as I pulled back onto the road and I knew Bill was out of earshot, I turned to her.
"Ellie, I'm sorry. I'm just completely and totally sorry for last night. I acted like a total asshole and just, I wanted to apologize to you in person. It had nothing to do with you. It was all me."
She looked down at her lap where she was fidgeting with the cuff of her jacket. When she spoke, her voice was cool and resigned.
"I know it was all you, Cade. I don't even know what to say. You're sorry, that's fine, I accept. What else do you want?"
What else did I want? I wanted to pull the car over and grab Ellie by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and tell her that I wanted everything. Her. That it had only ever been her and that the self-loathing I felt over how I acted the previous night was matched only by my certainty that we belonged together.
But I couldn't tell her any of those things. First of all, because it just would have looked like a cheap attempt to get out of my behavior the night before but also because, in spite of the passage of time, nothing had really changed about either of our situations. She was still tied to North Falls. And I was under contract to the Kings. We couldn't be together then any more than we could five years before.
"I don't want anything, Ellie." Well, that came out wrong. I could feel myself starting to scramble. "I mean, I don't mean that I don't want anything. I mean that I'm just trying to apologize here and I know you don't owe me anything."
She looked at me coldly for a second. "I know I don't owe you anything, Cade."
"That isn't what I meant. I just meant that-"
"What, Cade? What?! Why did you even come back here? Did you spend any time at all thinking about how it would make me feel to see you again? Do you know how long it took to feel like a person again after you left the first time?"
Nothing was going how I had intended it to go. She wasn't wrong, either, about me not thinking about how she would feel to see me again. I'd just been clinging to the fantasy of being with her again, of feeling the things we felt for each other in high school. It wasn't entirely selfish, either, despite how it looked. Ellie Hesketh had needed me, once. She'd looked at me with a smile in her eyes, clung to me when she couldn't and wouldn't cling to anyone else. I wanted to be that person for her. It never went away. And everything I said seemed to make it less and less likely she would ever understand that.
I drove slowly, crawling along the road at less than fifteen miles per hour, but we still got to the salon way too soon. I was desperate.
"Ellie, please. Please have dinner with me. I need to say some things to you."
She put her hand on the door handle and turned to me. In the morning sunlight I could see circles under her eyes.
"What do you need to say Cade? There's nothing to say. I still have to be here and you still have to be there. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think I was just going to fall into your arms and everything was going to magically work out?"
I had kind of thought that. And now she was suffering - the one person I didn't want to ever feel hurt or pain - because I was a fucking fantasist. I hated myself.
"I don't know," I said, rubbing my forehead in frustration. "I just missed you so much, Ellie. You have no idea."
She cut in, her voice icy. "Actually, I think I do have some idea. Other people exist, Cade. I exist. I'm a person. I'm not just a thing who made you happy once, a long time ago. I haven't been in a suspended animation chamber this whole time."
"I know! Ellie, don't you think I know that?!" I knew she was about to get out of the car and the voice inside my head was screaming at me that this was it, that this was the last time I was ever going to see Ellie Hesketh.
"Please. Please. Ellie." I could hear my voice starting to crack. "I just want you to know that I lo-"
"DON'T!" She screamed, shoving the arm I was trying to wrap around her away, perfectly aware of what I'd been about to say. "Don't, Cade. Do not fucking show up here without any thought whatsoever as to how it would affect me, act the way you did last night, and then try and say that to me!"
She started sobbing then, burying her head in her hands and violently shrugging my hand away again when I tried to touch her.
"Ellie..."
"No, Cade. No." She turned her flushed, tear-stained face towards me. "Just go away. Don't come to my place again. I don't want to see you...again."
She barely got the last word out before another sob wracked her body. I watched, surprised I couldn't hear the actual sound of my heart breaking as she opened the car door, got out and walked slowly across the parking lot to the salon and then went inside without looking back. Never in my life have I felt the kind of panic I felt that day, watching her walk away from me. The biggest enforcers in th
e NHL had nothing on Ellie Hesketh. I would happily have submitted to being repeatedly slammed into the boards if it meant avoiding the awfulness of the pain in her eyes and the knowledge that it was me who had caused it.
I drove back to the hotel in a daze of hurt and called Jessica the minute the door to my room was closed behind me. As soon as she picked up, the last little bit of resistance inside me crumbled.
"Cade?"
I couldn't speak. I broke down crying and sniffling like a kid.
"Cade, oh my God. What's wrong? What's going on?"
"Jess. I'm in...I'm in North Falls." My face was burning with embarrassment at my uncontrollable display of emotions.
"Oh," Jess replied, gently. "I take it it didn't go well."
I shook my head back and forth, still unsuccessfully fighting for control. "No."
"Oh, Cade. I'm so sorry. Are you sure it's that bad?"
"Yeah," I said, my breath hitching in my throat, "it's that bad. She doesn't want to see me again."
"Alright, OK. Are you coming back to L.A.? I'll come pick you up at the airport and take you for drinks, OK?"
Jess's kindness just made me cry harder. She waited, all kindness on the other end of the phone, until I'd calmed down sufficiently to talk like a normal person.
"Yeah, I'll go to the airport now. I can't stay here. Everything about this town just makes me think of her. Everything about everything just makes me think of her."
"Cade, promise me you'll call me and let me know what time your plane lands. I'll meet you at the airport, OK? I'm worried about you. Promise me."
"I promise, Jess. And thanks. I didn't mean to just call you like this and dump all my emotions all over you."
Jess made a dismissive noise. "Cade, it's cool. You're my friend. I'm here for you. And if my show ends up getting cancelled, you better be there to listen to me freaking out, too."
After the call ended, I walked down to the hotel's reception room and paid them, including for the cost of repairing the wall I'd punched the night before. Then I drove to the airport as a feeling of total bleakness settled over my heart and flew back to Los Angeles. Jess was there, waiting for me at the arrivals area. She took me straight to our favorite bar for drinks and let me talk about whatever I wanted to talk about. Surprisingly, it wasn't Ellie. I was embarrassed about my earlier breakdown and the initial shock of Ellie's words was starting to wear off. I could feel the masculine wall of emotional denial lowering itself down over my psyche and I welcomed it. Fuck talking about it. I didn't want to feel anything, not then anyway, when it was all so raw. Jess sensed it and didn't push me. When she dropped me off at home later that night I went straight to my bedroom and passed out fully-clothed on my bed, grateful for the soothing oblivion of alcohol-induced sleep.
Chapter 15: Ellie
I had no choice but to go to work after leaving Cade behind in the car. I wiped the tears and smeared mascara off my face in the bathroom and took a couple of minutes to take some deep breaths and calm down. Having a breakdown in front of customers wasn't optional, so I spent the whole day making fake, robotic conversation with my co-workers and the women who came in to have their hair cut and their nails done. By the time it was time go home and feed the kids dinner before heading off to the grocery store the entire surface of my skin was tingly with the effort it had taken to contain myself all day. I walked back to my trailer in the cool evening wind, crying silently and not bothering to wipe the tears off my face as they flowed copiously down my cheeks.
Bill was sitting at the table with the boys and Kaylee when I walked into the kitchen. There was no chance of hiding my upset from them, nor did I have the energy to try.
Baby Ben, seven years old at the time and eating mac and cheese out of a red plastic bowl, looked up at me.
"Ellie. What's wrong?"
Before I could answer, Bill replied. "Her old boyfriend's back in town."
I was hungry, but I realized I wasn't going to be able to sit down and eat with the kids without scaring them with my upset. So I just smiled at the boys and Kaylee, told them I was going to get ready for my other shift and disappeared into the bedroom. Bill followed me, barging in behind me and slamming the door.
"Bill, seriously. I can't do this right now."
"Can't do what right now? Tell me what the fuck is going on?"
I took a deep breath. "Actually, nothing is going on. Cade is flying back to Los Angeles."
"Oh, so that's why you're so upset. I should have known."
I looked up at him, searching for some sign of compassion in his eyes. There was none.
"You broke up with me - remember? You said we were roommates only. Did you forget that conversation?"
"You know that wasn't real, Ellie."
"No I don't. I can't read your mind. If being in a relationship is too much for you - and it kind of seems like it is - we can be roommates. It might be easier for both of us."
"Did you fuck him?"
"Because that's all that matters, isn't it? If I fucked him. Don't worry, it was all that mattered to him, too."
"What mattered to him?"
"If I was fucking you!" I yelled, immediately lowering my voice when I realized how loud I was being.
"Well did you tell him you were?"
"You know what, Bill?"
"What?"
"I am completely and utterly sick of men caring about who I am fucking and nothing else. It makes me feel like a piece of meat you're hoarding, not a person you care about."
Bill paused, clearly unsure about saying what he said next, but unable to stop himself.
"Well did you?"
"YES!" I shouted.
He didn't reply right away so I started to get changed into my grocery store uniform. Then I grabbed my purse and my car keys and went to walk out of the room.
"That isn't cool, Ellie. That is not fucking cool."
I whipped around and got right up in Bill's face. There wasn't a single drop of patience left in me.
"You told me we were broken up. If that was a lie, it's your fault. If you don't like it or if you can't handle it, leave."
I spent the next few weeks on autopilot, doing my shifts at the salon and the grocery store like a zombie with a fake smile plastered to my face and then coming home to look after the kids. I refused to look up any news about Cade online. When my mind wandered to him, which it often did, I stopped it forcefully. After that first day, I barely cried at all. It became a point of pride, a little badge I could wear on my soul that allowed me to keep telling myself lies about not caring. The boys knew something was up. They were more subdued around the house, more willing to do their chores and clean up after themselves. It almost broke my heart. I told them I was fine when they asked but they were old enough to know better. Time. That was all it was going to take. Hopefully not another five years, but time. I wasn't in high school anymore. I had responsibilities, a life, things that needed to be taken care of. I couldn't afford to mope.
I had a lot of dreams around that time about losing things. Little things. My purse, my phone, David's inhaler. Night after night I would search through endless rooms with endless doors, getting more and more desperate to find the lost thing until I woke up in bed, sweaty with anxiety.
In early fall, about seven weeks after Cade's fateful visit, I was stocking feminine hygiene products at the grocery store and the thought just popped into my head - it seemed like a long time since my last period. I wasn't even worried at first, it was just a curiosity. For the next few days I waited for the familiar light cramping and spotting. They didn't come.
I wasn't an idiot, I knew how women got pregnant. It just seemed so surreal and unlikely. Days passed and my curiosity started to turn into something more pressing. When the smell of perm solution, which had never bothered me before, sent me running to the bathroom one day at the salon, I knew I had to get a pregnancy test. I got three, driving to the next town over so no one would see me and then I drove home with them sitting in my p
urse like little pink time bombs.
Every single one was positive. As soon as I saw the clear, bright pink lines appearing on the sticks everything suddenly seemed obvious. My breasts were fuller to the point that my bras were starting to feel uncomfortably snug. Everything about me looked rounder, from my face to my hips. I sat on the side of the bath and stared at the tests, dumbfounded. I hadn't had sex with Bill for a few weeks before Cade showed up and even if I had, we always, always used condoms. Neither of us wanted another mouth to feed. On my next day off I went to Planned Parenthood and they did a blood test and an ultrasound that confirmed what I already knew. They said it looked like I was between seven and eight weeks along.
What the hell was I going to do?
First, I was going to have to tell Bill, which I did that night after the kids were in bed.
"I have to tell you something."
Bill must have heard something in my voice because he looked up at me right away, pausing the game he was playing on his phone.
"What?"
"I'm pregnant."
He sat staring at me for a few moments and then spoke in a slow, calm voice.
"It's not mine, is it?"
I shook my head. Bill got up and walked to the bedroom, closing the door behind him. A week later, he left. I wanted him to go. We didn't love each other and I knew there was no way he was ever going to be OK with me having Cade's baby. He knew he didn't really have a leg to stand on, either, given his insistence before it happened that the relationship was over, that we were just roommates. A few nights after he left, when I thought the boys were all asleep, Jacob walked into the kitchen where I was eating leftovers for dinner and sat down across from me.
