by Hart, Alana
"I'm almost thirteen."
I smiled at him. "Yes you are. I'll bake you a cake on your birthday and you can have some of your friends over to watch a movie."
Jacob nodded at me, his expression serious.
"Ellie, I'm just telling you because I think I'm old enough to help out now. I can look after David and Baby Ben when you go to work at night. I know that you're, um, I know that you're having a baby. I heard you talking about it with Bill."
"Did you?"
"Yeah. I'm going to help you. When the baby is born I can help you look after it. I can change its diapers and help make lunches in the morning."
I put my hands over my face to hide the tears in my eyes. Jacob was, as he said, almost thirteen. He didn't look like a little kid anymore. His voice was getting deeper. I reached out across the table and took his hand in mine.
"I always think of you boys as so young, Jakey. But you're growing up. We're a family aren't we? We look out for each other."
He surprised me then by proceeding to get emotional himself.
"Yes, Ellie. You're a better mom to us than mom ever was. I..." he paused and wiped his eyes, "I just wanted you to know that I want to help now. You don't have to worry about quitting your job. And when I'm old enough, I'll get a job at the grocery store, too, after school. I already talked to Mr. Barnes about it."
Mr. Barnes was my manager at the grocery store.
"Did you?"
"Yeah, when I heard you talking about the baby. I thought Bill might leave so I went to the store and talked to Mr. Barnes after school one day. He said when I'm fourteen I can work part-time as a bag boy."
My heart swelled with pride and sadness. Pride because Jacob was such a kind-hearted, mature boy and sadness because he was being forced to grow-up too fast, to take on responsibilities no twelve year old should have to. I went to him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, kissing the top of his head.
"Thank you, Jacob. I'm so proud of you."
When I sat back down again, he caught my eye.
"What?"
"Is it Cade Parker's baby?"
I was caught off guard, unable to answer because I didn't know how to, so Jacob kept going.
"I heard you talking to Bill about it. Is it Cade's baby?"
"Um, yeah. Yes, it is Cade's baby."
"Does he know?"
I shook my head. "No, he doesn't know. It - it shouldn't have happened. He lives in Los Angeles."
"I know. I watch his games at school, on the computer in the library."
"You do?" I asked, surprised.
Jacob looked down at the tabletop, slightly sheepishly. "Yeah. I started watching them when he lived in North Falls - when he was your boyfriend. He's really good. He won the Art Ross trophy last year."
I had no idea what the Art Ross trophy was but Jacob seemed suitably impressed. "It's for the most goals scored in a season, not counting the play-offs."
"Oh, wow. Really? He must be good, then."
"I'll stop watching his games if you want, Ellie."
I looked up quickly, confused. "Why would I want you to do that, Jacob? You can watch any hockey games you want."
"I just mean, you know, I mean if he did something - if he did something bad to you."
"No, Jacob. No. He didn't do anything bad to me, it's not like that. We just - sometimes people change. I didn't see him for five years and we both changed, we both grew up. He has to live in Los Angeles because he signed a contract. And I have to stay here-"
"To look after us," Jacob finished my sentence for me.
"Well, yes. But I want to look after you guys. And North Falls is where we live. I have two jobs. I don't want to move away from you boys."
At that, Jacob's body suddenly sagged over the table, his shoulders shaking.
"Jacob! Jakey! What's wrong? What did I-"
"We thought that maybe you were going to leave," he whispered, his voice shaking. "We thought you were going to move away because looking after us was going to be too hard with a baby."
I got up and knelt down beside him, taking his face in my hands and forcing him to look at me.
"Jacob. Listen to me. I am not leaving. I don't even know where you would get an idea like that from. I am not going anywhere. Do you hear me? Tell me you understand."
Before he could reply, David and Baby Ben appeared from around the corner where they'd been hiding and listening to my conversation with Jacob. They both crouched down and wrapped their skinny arms around me, weeping with relief. I swallowed, hard, and looked at all of them one after the other.
"Listen to me, you three. I am not going anywhere. I am staying right here, with you."
Baby Ben started wailing loudly and buried his face in my shoulder. "You're staying Ellie? Promise?"
"I promise. I never even thought about leaving, not for a second."
David piped up. "And if you did leave, you would take us, right?"
"Yes. If I did leave, I would take you. Even if I went to Timbuktu. Even if I went to the moon. I had no idea you boys were worried about this. You can stop worrying, alright? We're going to stick together. All of us. Now look at me and tell me you understand."
They all looked at me with their tearstained, tired faces and told me they understood. When I was absolutely sure that none of them were harboring any more doubts about my future presence, I finally got them all tucked into bed again.
The next morning, before they left for school, I made sure that they understood not to tell anyone about Cade Parker being the father of my baby. News like that would spread like wildfire and I had no doubt it would get back to Cade himself very quickly. I had no idea what I was going to do about him.
Chapter 16: Cade
I suppose in a way I was unlucky that I waited until I had a measure of life experience under my belt before pissing Ellie Hesketh off badly enough for her to write me off. I was in my mid-twenties, at the peak of my professional life and worshipped by fans and sportswriters alike. I had never been more unhappy.
The first time I left North Falls I was naive and young enough to believe that the intensity of the bond between Ellie and I would outlast everything - time, distance, other relationships, life in general. The second time, there was no such mental safety net and the harder I tried to ignore the void in my life that her absence left, the deeper I fell into a spiral of partying and bad behavior. At least I knew enough not to do it in public.
Four months after I returned from the disastrous trip to see Ellie, my wrist was healed and I was back on the ice. The goals still came but the fluidity, the ease of skates on ice and pucks in the back of nets was gone. I barely slept. I began to develop an aversion to being alone that almost bordered on a phobia. People noticed - my parents, my coach, my teammates, Jessica, various Kings staff. Jay McLelan, my best friend on the team, got traded to another city. Before he left he came around to my house with a big box in a bag under his arm.
"Jesus, a present? You in love with me, man? Just say something if you are, gay marriage is legal in some places now."
He laughed and put the box on the counter in my enormous, expensive and entirely unused kitchen.
"Naw, it's just - fuck, man, now I feel awkward. It's just, uh, it's just this thing - I've got one. They're pretty sick."
I pulled the box out of the bag and looked at it.
"A Vitamix? What the hell is this? Is this a blender? Dude, what the fuck?"
"Calm down, Cade. It's not a blender. Well, it is, but it's like, the Ferrari of blenders."
I eyeballed Jay, wondering if he'd suffered a concussion.
"Don't look at me like that, man! I just - I've got one myself and it's really helped with my nutrition over the past year. I was getting kinda tubby last season, remember?"
I chuckled, thinking back to the shit we'd all given him in the dressing room when he'd started to develop a roll around his belly.
"You think I'm fat, bro? Just tell me. I can take it. You don't have to go buy
ing me gifts."
"Aw, fuck off, Cade. I just thought you might want one. If you want to start, I dunno, getting back into shape."
Getting back into shape? What the fuck was he talking about?
"I'm probably gonna take the Art Ross trophy again this year, man. I'm in fine shape."
I was trying to keep things jocular but goddamned Jay wasn't having it. He just stood there looking serious and awkward.
"Are you, man?"
I took a step back, surprised. "What? Dude, are you serious? Did fucking Renner send you over here with that?"
Alice Renner was our team doctor and she'd been on at me all season to stop partying so much. As far as I was concerned it was none of her business what I did off the ice as long as I performed on it.
"Nope," Jay shook his head, "Renner didn't send me. Come on man, don't act like you have no idea about..."
As Jay trailed off I could feel myself starting to get angry.
"About what, man? Just fucking say it already, I don't have time to engage in girl talk with you."
Jay rolled his eyes at me. "About the fact that you're out partying, taking God knows what and fucking God knows who every night of the week, Cade. You're talented, everyone gets that, OK? But even you aren't going to be able to keep going at this rate. You've got to slow down, man."
"Taking God knows what? Fucking puck bunnies? Jay, this is such bullshit. You're not home with a nice cup of tea and a book every night either, you know?"
"You're right, I'm not. I'm also not out every single night until four in the morning, Cade. There's a difference between partying low-key, on the weekends, and what you're doing."
"Is there?"
"Yeah, man, there is. I can see that you're getting pissed off and I just want you to know I'm not here to lecture you. No one sent me - not Renner, not coach, I came here of my own free will because you're my friend and because I care about you."
"Well," I shot Jay a sarcastic smile, "I appreciate the concern but how about you come back when I'm not scoring goals anymore, OK?"
"Why do you have to be such an asshole, Cade? Everybody knows you're fucked up. Look at you, you look like shit. Hangover, right? People are worried about you."
"People are worried about their paychecks, man. And they shouldn't be. Everything is fucking fine."
Jay realized he wasn't going to be able to get through to me and held up his hands in surrender.
"OK, man. Cool. Listen, I'll text you. And I'll be back in L.A. all the time so we'll hang out then. I'm always here if you need anything."
I grunted noncommittally and took the stiff bro-hug Jay gave me before he left. Of course, I knew he was right. I wasn't even angry at him, I was angry at myself for handling everything so badly, for being so fucking weak. Not that I could admit any of this at the time. The roar of Jay's sports car peeling out of my driveway had barely faded in my ears before I was getting ready to head out again. Five minutes with my own thoughts was too much. I had to drown all the questions and doubts and pain.
Later that night at the glitzy, exclusive club I'd started to spend most of my time at and already four vodka shots in, I spotted a girl who reminded me of Ellie. She was sitting alone at the bar, sipping a drink and discretely checking out the men. It was her eyes, they were huge and dark like Ellie's. Or maybe it was her body language, the slope of her shoulders as she leaned over slightly to talk to the bartender. I can't even remember. But it was something. She'd seen me, too. I'd already caught her looking a few times. As usual, I stayed exactly where I was. Girls came to me, not the other way around.
That's exactly how pathetic I was then. Forced to scrabble for the tiny self-esteem boosts offered by the fact that women approached me. Sure enough, once I made deliberate eye contact with her a couple of times, she came over to me and threw me a coy smile.
"You're Cade Parker, aren't you?"
"Yep," I replied, openly looking her body up and down. She looked less like Ellie close up. Her tits were fake and her perfume smelled sugary and cheap. I was desperate.
"Oh my God. I love hockey."
"Do you?" I asked as she slid one of her manicured hands up my thigh.
"Yeah. I love - I love hockey players."
Jesus. She wasn't going to make it easy. I endured her inane conversation for as long as I could, maybe five minutes, before inviting her back to my place.
"Do you have any friends?" I asked as we left the club, suddenly worried that one girl - especially one barely coherent girl - wasn't going to be enough company to stave off the howling loneliness. Hailey - that was her name - looked up at me.
"Friends? You mean, like, for right now?"
She knew what I meant. She wanted me all to herself, of course, but what she wanted wasn't my concern.
"Yeah, for right now. Call them up, I'll give you my address."
And that's how I ended up with Hailey and two of her closest (ha!) girlfriends, standing naked in front of my bed and furiously masturbating to try and stay hard while they made out with each other on my stupid, ostentatious chinchilla bedspread. I could barely contain the rising levels of desperation inside me. I told myself that this was what every man on earth wanted. Money. Fame. Power. Young women willing to do anything you asked of them just to spend time with you. So why the fuck wasn't it working? I disappeared into my en suite bathroom and popped a Viagra. When I came back out, limp-dicked because it hadn't kicked in yet, I caught one of Hailey's friends giving her a look. One of those 'really?' looks that women give each other when a man is failing to live up to whatever it is they think he should be living up to.
"Hey, you don't have to be here." I told her. "Get your ass back to the bar and find yourself another chump if this isn't doing it for you."
Hailey cut in. "Cade, do you have any, uh, treats?"
Treats. Yes, I had treats. Five minutes later she was snorting a line of coke off one of the other girl's tits and they all perked right up. I ended up having to jerk off over all three of them as they knelt on the floor in front of me doing their best to feign arousal and begging me to come all over them. When it was over, after I'd closed my eyes and locked my brain onto the picture of Ellie's half-open mouth when she had an orgasm, I passed out in a chair and the girls did the rest of my coke before leaving.
That was my life. That fucker Jay turned out to be right, too. Early that year, as the play-offs loomed, my career-long goal scoring streak came to an abrupt end as my lifestyle did finally catch up to me and I lumbered around the ice like a drunk, oversized toddler night after night. Stories started appearing in the sports media about the state of my game. Coach became less and less willing to make exceptions when I showed up late (or not at all) to practice.
Ellie Hesketh was gone. She'd slipped through my fingers like sand. And no amount of alcohol or drugs or pussy or partying or fancy cars was able to paper over her absence. By the same time a year later trade rumors were swirling and I was being benched on a pretty regular basis. My own self-loathing just added to the velocity of my downward spiral and the only question became not whether or not I was going to fuck up my life, but how irreparably I was going to do it.
Chapter 17: Ellie
Christopher Caden Hesketh was born at two in the morning on a blustery spring night. I labored alone, unwilling to let my mother, who wasn't interested anyway, anywhere near the hospital room and only allowing the boys to see me before things got serious. He was perfect. Flushed with a fierce, instinctive and utterly overwhelming love as soon as I laid eyes on him, I held Christopher in my arms for over an hour while we stared at each other, fascinated.
He looked exactly like his father. The intense, blue-eyed gaze was the mirror image of Cade's, so familiar to me it was almost eerie. When my brothers came into the room to meet their nephew, they were quiet and wide-eyed. When Jacob held him for the first time, I wept. Baby Ben eyed me.
"Why are you crying, Ellie? Are you sad you had a baby?"
"No," I sniffled, ruffling
his hair. "No I'm not sad I had a baby. I'm happy. Sometimes people cry when they're happy, too."
They passed Christopher around to each other with heart-melting reverence, pulling the swaddling cloth down so they could run their fingers over his smooth cheeks.
"His skin is so soft." David commented in an awed voice. "I can barely feel it."
"I know. It's because he's brand new. Your skin was like that when you were born, too."
"Was it, Ellie? Do you remember when I was born?"
I nodded. "Yes, I remember when you were born, David. I remember when all of you were born. You were just like this."
I held my sleeping baby in my arms and my brothers curled up at various spots on the bed to hear the stories of their own births, which I had always remembered more clearly than our mother did. For a couple of hours that day, in a hospital room in North Falls, Michigan, time stood sweetly still. In my memories of that brief time, all the edges are blurred with love.
Christopher's infancy wasn't easy and the sleepless nights were endless, but I was happy. We were happy. Our unconventional little family bonded tightly around the new arrival. Jacob, already showing signs of the man he was so close to becoming, seemed to grow up overnight. Suddenly tall and deep-voiced, he took it upon himself to keep his two little brothers in line when he knew I didn't have the energy to do it myself. David and Baby Ben were tender and attentive with Christopher, often to the point where me or Jacob would have to break up squabbles that broke out over whose turn it was to feed him dinner or play with him.
Christopher's arrival also solidified my belief that the boys needed some kind of real security in their lives. I applied for custody, expecting a long, drawn-out and possibly expensive process but it was surprisingly easy to do, especially when my mother's utterly non-functional lifestyle was taken into account. When the papers came through we had a family meal and I explained to them that I was now their legal guardian and that none of us were beholden to our mother anymore. It was a weight off all of our shoulders.
