Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  ‘The bars will have to be cut, or maybe we could grease her head,’ another teacher said.

  I lost me mind. ‘No! No! Don’t let them cut me head off! I’ll be good. I won’t do this again! Just let me out!’

  The Fire Brigade arrived, an they had te cut the bars te free me. I kept screamin, cos I thought they were goin te cut me head off. The ma brought me home, but she stopped first te talk te the crowd, an the woman from the vegebale shop gave me a banana. She said it was good fer shock. The ma told them all I put the heart crossways in her an I’ll be the death of her yet, cos I was very wild.

  4

  Me ma an me are rushin down te meet Dickser. Or she is. I’m not, I don’t want te go.

  ‘Come on, will ya! I’ll be late!’ She grabs me hand, an she sorts of bounces up in the air, but we’re not movin any faster. I want te watch our shadows, hers long an skinny, mine small wit hair stickin out, chasin beside us. They glide up the old tenement houses as we hurry past the street lamp an then swoop down again, dancin before us on the ground as we leave the light behind us. The cobblestones are black an shiny on the road from the cold mist comin in from the Liffey. The chip shop across the road from Fishamble Street is still open. The smell plunges up me nose before we get there. As we hit the shop, I stop te look in at the bright lights. The Italian man wit the big black whiskers an the dirty white apron hands over a newspaper burstin wit chips an a big ray. ‘One an one,’ he shouts happily at the woman rootin in her purse fer the money. Me belly turns te water, an the shop is screamin at me te come in.

  ‘Ma, Ma! Buy me chips.’

  ‘No, I can’t. Wha do ye think I am? Made a money?’

  We rush on, an Dickser is waitin fer us at the Ha’penny Bridge.

  ‘There ye are! I thought I’d never get here,’ me ma said, laughin.

  ‘I was just about te go. It’s freezin here,’ he said, diggin his hands deeper inta the pockets of his old overcoat. It was raggy an torn, an ye could see his hairy legs, cos his trousers was at half mast an held up wit twine.

  ‘Have ye any money?’ he said te me ma.

  ‘No, I spent the last of it on milk.’

  ‘Lend us a shillin. I’ll need tha fer the back lane hostel tonight.’

  ‘No! I’ve nothin.’

  ‘Ah, Jaysus! Come on, then, let’s get movin,’ he said.

  We wandered along the dark streets, me ma talkin an yer man busy walkin along the edge of the footpath, pickin up cigarette butts. We walked down laneways, an as we turned down a very dark alleyway, Dickser said, ‘Leave her here.’

  Me ma said she’d be back in a minute, but I didn’t want te be left behind in the dark, an I started te cry. Dickser came back as I started te run after them. He lifted me off the ground by the scruff of me neck, stranglin me, an carried me back up the alleyway.

  ‘Stay there! Don’t make a sound. Don’t move,’ he said as he threw me down onta the ground. I hit the back of me head. I tried te get up, but I was spinnin like mad. The ground was goin faster an faster, an me hands couldn’t find the ground te lift meself up. I rolled over on me belly an got up slowly on me hands an knees, an the roarin in me ears slowly stopped. I staggered over te the wall an looked aroun me. Everythin was quiet, an I looked up an down the dark lane, but I couldn’t see anythin.

  ‘Me ma’s gone an the monsters’ll get me! Ma! Ma! Mammyee! Don’t leave me! Where are ye?’ I croaked in a whisper. I didn’t want Dickser te hear me. Then I went quiet. Very, very still. The big lump in me chest tha wanted te erupt outa me mouth was pushed down inta me belly, an I went limp. I shut meself up tight an just waited. When I’m still, nothin will happen te me. I’ll be safe. Nobody will see me.

  5

  Me aunt Cissy is over from England. She says she’s gettin married! She bought me a lovely pair of white kid-leather boots wit laces in them – I can smell the kid leather when I press them te me nose – an a gorgeous white linen frock. I’m te wear them fer her weddin, but she seems a bit upset wit the ma.

  ‘How long has this been goin on, Sally?’

  ‘Ah, I’m not bothered about him any more,’ me ma says.

  ‘Here, Martha love,’ says me aunt Cissy. ‘There’s a bun fer you. You go on outside an sit in the sunshine, an I’ll keep an eye out fer you. Now don’t go too far, I’ll be watchin ye from the winda.’

  I wanted te be very good fer me aunt Cissy, so I didn’t gallop across the road, cos me ma says I’ll get kilt doin tha, even though I think ye’ll get kilt if ye don’t run. Anyway, I sit meself down an stretch me legs out te get comfortable, an Cissy is sittin on the windasill, watchin me an drinkin a cup a tea.

  I look te examine me bun. Wha’s these black things in it? I take a bite an spit it out. Yuk! I can’t eat tha!

  ‘Ah, eat yer bun, it’s good fer ye!’ Cissy shouts across. ‘Them currants will clean ye out!’

  I put the bun behind me back an started te pull the currants out, watchin her at the same time. I couldn’t move, cos I had a pile of currants behind me.

  Suddenly, there’s great excitement when a horse an cab comes aroun the corner carryin me aunt Biddy an me aunt Nelly an me cousin Barney. The women are roarin an laughin at somethin the jarvey said te them.

  ‘Whoa there, Jinny! Easy girl. Now, ladies, who’s first?’

  ‘She is.’ Biddy points te Nelly, laughin. ‘She’s the desperate one. I’m already landed wit me own fella back in England.’

  ‘Ah, no. I’m very particular,’ Nelly says. ‘Ye’d have te have plenty a money te get me.’

  ‘Right, girls! Hop down, an I’ll give ye’s a hand up wit the suitcases.’

  I ran across the road, an Biddy swooped me up.

  ‘Lookit you, ye got very big since I saw ye last.’

  ‘Yeah, Auntie Biddy! I’m four now, so I am.’

  I looked at me cousin, an he was wearin eyeglasses.

  ‘Look! Lookit, Martha,’ Barney said, an he showed me a load a money. ‘Come on, I’ll buy ye somethin,’ an we bought ice-cream cornets, an broken biscuits wrapped in paper, an bull’s eye sweets.

  They opened up the back room, an me an me ma slept in there. Tha night me an me cousin Barney took it in turns te vomit up our guts inta the bucket. Our mas laughed an said it was all the sweets we’d eaten, an tomorrow they’d get us a wormin powder te clean us out.

  We went te the park beside St Audoen’s Church an sat in the grass. Me ma an Dickser made plans te go te England.

  ‘I’m savin every penny I can get me hands on,’ me ma said.

  ‘How much have ye now?’ Dickser asked, an me ma told him.

  ‘That’ll do,’ he said. He seemed very happy an even grinned at me, but I turned me head. I didn’t want anythin te do wit him.

  They arranged te meet tha night, an the ma would give him her money. She was all excited on the way home. ‘We’re goin te England, Martha! An Dickser’s goin te find us a place te live. We’ll be grand!’ I was delighted te see her so happy an forgot about Dickser.

  When we got home, the aunts were waitin.

  ‘Where were you?’ asked Biddy.

  ‘Out!’ me ma said.

  ‘Look at the condition you’re in, ye should be ashamed of yourself. You’re seein tha Dickser fella, aren’t ye?’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  ‘Ye are! I’m tellin ye’s all. She should be put away. Ye’re bringin shame on this family an destroyin our good name!’

  Cissy came over te me an asked me gently, ‘Is she seein Dickser?’

  Biddy joined in an shouted, ‘Look! Here’s a penny, tell us the truth, an we’ll give you this.’ An Nelly waved a half-crown in me face.

  The ma shouted, ‘No! Don’t tell them anythin, Martha,’ an they were all shoutin at once. Me eyes swivelled from the penny te the half-crown an back again. I wanted the money.

  ‘Yeah, she is,’ I said, an reached out fer the money.

  ‘No! No! Don’t tell them anythin.’

  ‘No, she isn’t.’

/>   The money was whipped back, an there was some more shoutin.

  ‘Yes, she is!’ I said, reachin out fer the money, but they put it back in their pockets!

  The hooley was goin on upstairs. Old Mrs Coleman had died; she lived in the room above us wit her grandson Neddy. We heard the bang on the ceilin, an me ma shouted te Nelly, ‘It’s Mrs Coleman, quick! We’d better run up, there’s somethin wrong.’

  Neddy came runnin down the stairs, an he was white as a sheet. ‘Me granny collapsed when she was tyin her boots te get ready fer Mass. Come up quick!’

  ‘You stay there,’ me ma said te me. An they ran up the stairs, leavin me behind wonderin wha was goin on.

  Now the house was crowded wit people. All me aunts were upstairs keepin the wake when me ma sneaked outa the house. ‘Come on,’ she said te me. ‘Quick! Before they miss us.’

  We went up aroun High Street an met Dickser at the Corn Market. She gave him the money, an he asked her if she wanted a walk. She said, no, she had te hurry back. They’d have plenty of time fer tha when they got te England, an they both laughed. Dickser gave me a penny, an when I examined it, it was all bent an black. I didn’t think they would take it in the shop, an I was disgusted.

  On the way home, the ma asked me if I wanted a single, an we went inta the chip shop. We ate the chips comin home in the dark, an they were lovely an hot. When we got te our hall door, there were people spillin out onta the street. There was a coupla young ones an young fellas loungin against the walls. The young fellas hid the bottle of porter they were drinkin under their coats, an they stopped laughin an pushin each other when they saw us comin. ‘G’night, missus,’ they said te me ma.

  We walked on inta the dark hall. We could hear the singin an the buzz of voices comin from upstairs. Me ma fell over a body lyin at the bottom of the stairs. She gave an awful scream, an the mound of coats moved te show a head wit bloodshot eyes starin up at us in confusion. ‘Jaysus, it’s Hairy Lemon! Get out, ye dirty aul sod,’ me ma shouted at him.

  The young fellas rushed in, an when they saw me ma was all right, they laughed an said, ‘He won’t harm ye, missus. We’ll put him out fer ye, if ye want.’

  ‘Ah, leave him. So long as he doesn’t come up an murder me in me bed, I don’t care.’

  The door opened on the landin, an Cissy came out. ‘Who’s that? Who’s down there?’ she shouted.

  ‘It’s only me, Cissy. Hairy Lemon gave me an awful fright. He’s sleepin at the bottom of the stairs.’

  I dashed inta the room, an it was lovely an warm. The fire was roarin red, an the fryin pan was on top of the fire wit sausages an rashers sizzlin away. The lamp had a new wick, an it was burnin brightly, throwin shadows on the walls. Me cousin’s head shot up from the pilla, an he was delighted te see me. ‘Cissy told me a story,’ he said. ‘An I saw Mrs Coleman. She was dead! An I got lemonade, an biscuits, an cake. Me ma’s up there, an Cissy is mindin me. You should a been here, ye’ve missed it all. I got everythin!’

  I was lost fer words an started te cry. I was not goin te be outdone.

  ‘Ma, bring us up te the wake, Ma. I want te go te see Mrs Coleman.’

  ‘No! Ye’re goin te bed, it’s too late.’

  ‘Ma, I want te.’

  ‘If ye don’t stop tha keenin, I’ll leave ye down wit Hairy Lemon!’

  Then Cissy said te me ma she’d take me up fer just a minute, an Barney was outa the bed in a flash. ‘I’m comin, too. Me too, Cissy!’

  So we banged up the stairs ahead of Cissy, an the landin was crowded. Nelly was draped over two old women sittin wit black shawls draped aroun them, their noses blocked tight wit the free snuff they were shovin up. They had bottles of stout lined up an were shovellin ham sambidges, an cake, an pig’s cheek inta their mouths like there was no tomorrow. Nelly was dozin wit the bottle of porter in her hand but stirred herself when she saw us comin.

  ‘Ah, me beauties! Me lovely childre! The light a me life, come here an give us a kiss.’

  She dribbled all over Barney an tried te catch me. Barney was tryin te climb up on her lap at the same time she reached out fer me, an the chair toppled over. Nelly went backwards, takin Barney an the old women wit her, cos she grabbed a hold a them. The pig’s cheek an the porter spilt over them, an they all ended up in a heap on the floor.

  Nelly said, ‘Fer the love a Jaysus!’ An the old women screamed, ‘Help! I’m kilt!’ An Biddy, who was wrapped aroun two old men an a woman, stopped singin an squinted over te see wha was happenin an said, ‘Ah, nobody’s hurt; it’s only Nelly enjoyin herself.’

  I went inta the back room where the corpse was laid out on the bed. Chairs were lined up against the wall, an people were sittin suppin porter an eatin an talkin in hushed whispers.

  ‘Come in, babbies, come in,’ they said te me an Barney. ‘Go over an say a little prayer. Little childre are always very welcome. Yer prayers are mighty. Holy God always listens te the prayers of little childre. Kitty! Will ye lift up there the little craturs te see the corpse.’

  Barney sped outa the door, screamin fer his mammy. But I’m not a babby. He is, he’s only three. I’m four. I held me breath, an Kitty, the daughter of the corpse, lifted me up. The corpse was like a marble statue. She was in a brown habit, an her hands was wrapped in rosary beads.

  ‘Tha’s right, chicken. You say a little prayer te our blessed Lord, an he’ll take poor aul Mrs Coleman straight te heaven,’ Kitty said te me as she began te swing me closer te the corpse.

  I started te squeak, cos I could see up the corpse’s nose, an I thought she was goin te suddenly wake up an grab me. I was gone like lightnin an didn’t wait fer lemonade an biscuits an cake.

  6

  Me ma is very busy in the back room, sortin out all our things. She has the suitcase opened up on the bed. She’s puttin things in an takin things out again. ‘Jaysus Christ!’ she mutters te herself. ‘I can’t get anythin in this suitcase, it’s like herself.’

  She means Aunt Biddy, who left it behind when Cissy an herself went back te England. Me ma tries te squeeze in me granny’s two china dogs, but they won’t fit.

  ‘What’ll I do? I can’t leave them behind or tha Nelly one will pawn them if she gets her hands near them. Ah, fuck it, she can have them.’

  ‘Ma! Mind me weddin frock, don’t crease it!’

  ‘Wha weddin frock are ye talkin about?’

  ‘The one Cissy bought me fer the weddin she’s havin. Is it at the bottom of the suitcase, Ma? An me boots?’

  ‘Ah, don’t be mindin them an their weddin, they can keep it.’

  ‘But what about me frock an boots, Ma? I want te see them. Let me see them, Ma!’

  ‘No! Gerraway from tha case. If ye toss them things, I’ll swing fer ye.’

  ‘I only want te see me frock, Ma! Let me!’

  ‘Lookit! I had te pawn them te get the few bob. We’re takin the boat tonight, an I’ll need every penny I can get me hands on. Now come on! I have te rush aroun an get me hair permed.’

  I roared me way up Thomas Street, me ma pullin an draggin me an threatenin she’ll be hanged fer me if I didn’t stop me carry on. Aul ones stopped te chastise me, an one aul one bent down te tell me Johnny Forty Coats was on his way down te take me away cos he could hear me roarin. Me ma laughed. Then the aul one put her hand inside her shawl an gave me a penny. So I went inta the shop an bought meself an ice pop. Me contentment lasted as long as me ice pop, an when we got te the hairdresser’s, I started again.

  Me ma pushed open the door, an the bell on top of the door rang out.

  ‘How’re ye, Sally? Haven’t seen you in a long while?’

  ‘I’m grand, Ivy! I’m lookin te get me hair done.’

  ‘Lovely! Sit down over there. I’m just takin these outa Mrs’ hair here, an I’ll be wit ye in a minute. What are ye havin done, Sally?’

  ‘Ah, I’ll have a cold wave.’

  ‘Yeah, that’ll suit ye. Is this the little un? God! She got very big, God bless her.’
r />   ‘Ah, me heart is scalded wit her, she’s tormentin me no end.’

  ‘Ah, now, ye have te be good fer yer mammy. Ye’ll be very good, won’t ye? And do wha yer mammy says.’

  I got very annoyed, the cheek of the ma sayin tha about me when I’d stopped cryin! So I started again.

  ‘Ma! I want te go home, bring me home, Ma!’

  ‘Will ye stop interruptin me when I’m tryin te talk! Ye see what I mean, Ivy?’

  ‘Right!’ Ivy said te me. ‘I’m goin te put ye out in the back yard wit the Banshee.’ But I knew she was only kiddin, cos the Banshee only comes at night te sit on yer winda an keen te warn ye someone was goin te die. So tha didn’t frighten me.

  I was enjoyin meself playin wit the door, openin an shuttin it te make the bell ring. But the aul ones said it was drivin them crazy. Aul Mrs Rafters, the wida, called me over an asked me te pick up her bag, an she took out her purse an handed me a thruppeny bit. I was gone fer ages, cos I wanted te take me time decidin on wha te spend me money on. When I got back, me ma was ready. Her hair was flat on her head wit waves. I didn’t get a chance te get a good look, cos she covered it wit a scarf in case the wind blew out her perm. She was all excited. ‘Come on, Martha! It’s gettin late. We’d better hurry.’

  The ma put on her frock an coat, an washed me face, an combed me hair, an put on me other clean frock, an buttoned up me coat. An then she took the suitcase from the bed an checked her handbag te see if she had everythin. She put her door key on the mantelpiece an looked aroun the room an said, ‘Have I got everythin? Let’s go, then.’

  She closed the door behind her an banged the suitcase down the stairs. I ran through the hall an out inta the street. I was all excited. I looked up an down, but there was no one te see me goin. I was hopin Tommy Weaver might see me an be ragin, but there was no sign of anyone, it was very quiet. We went down the hill past me old school. The bars were still gone, an they’d covered up the hole wit chicken wire. I never went back there. I don’t know why, an I didn’t ask.

  I was askin me ma about the boat an wha would we do if it sinks, but she wasn’t listenin te me. She was chewin her lip an lookin inta the distance, tryin te hurry wit the heavy suitcase.