Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  Jackser asked the people te tell me ma how lucky she was an not be drivin him te have te chastise her. Me ma put out her arms fer the babby an said, ‘No! I won’t be tormentin ye again. Just give me the babby.’

  ‘Here, take it,’ he said. ‘An count yersel lucky he’s not splattered in the hall.’

  Me ma won’t leave Jackser, she won’t hear of it. The woman next door told her te leave him quickly. ‘Get away from him, he’s an animal!’ she said. But me ma won’t listen.

  Jackser put bread an sugar in a bowl an poured hot milk. He told me te give it te the babby. I sat on the floor wit the babby an gave him a spoonful. He loves it. Then I took a spoonful. It’s gorgeous! Jackser said the babby will thrive on it. Tha’s wha his mother gave te her childre when they were small, an now Jackser is thirty-five.

  He was standin behind me watchin, an I moved me back, then he moved te see what I was doin. He saw me take a spoonful of the babby’s bread an milk, an he gave me a punch in the side of me head. I was sent flyin, an the bowl upended over the babby. Then he gave me a kick an lifted me by the hair of me head. He roared inta me face, spittin all over me. I was not te be eatin the babby’s bread an milk. It was fer him, not me.

  I was not te know tha, cos I’d always shared the babby’s bottle when there was nothin else te eat. Me ma said nothin.

  Jackser took me down te the relief office, an he had a whispered talk wit the man there. When we got back, he said te me ma, ‘The only way I can collect the labour money fer you an yer two kids is te get them put inta my name. Now, I’m told, if we go te a solicitor an we say I’m the father of the kids, we just have te sign a sworn affidavit in front of a commissioner fer oaths. We’ll get a solicitor who’s a commissioner, an Bob’s yer uncle, we’ll get elected, on the pig’s back. The kids’ll be in my name, an we’ll go after the Corporation. They’ll have te house us.’

  ‘Right, Sally! Let’s get movin. You stay here an mind him. Don’t let tha fire go out an don’t use too much coal, go easy on it!’ The door banged behind them, an the babby lifted his head from the bed. He looked aroun, beginnin te fret, an I went over te him an stroked his head an hushed him. An he put his head back down an went back te sleep. I got off the bed an went over te sit on the floor in front of the fire, te make sure it didn’t go out.

  The noise woke me, an I felt a sharp pain in me head from the bang Jackser gave me. Then I was dragged te me feet. Jackser was shakin me by the neck. ‘Ye stupid bastard! Ye let the fire go out. I fuckin told ye te watch the fire. Now there’s no fuckin tea.’ I looked aroun, dazed, wonderin wha was happenin. The room was dark, an the fire was out, an Jackser was roarin inta me face.

  I was shakin. ‘I’m sorry, Jackser! I won’t do it again. Don’t hit me, Jackser. I’ll be good. I’ll do what I’m told.’

  I looked te me ma. She was chewin her lip an lookin at me nervously. ‘Don’t hit her, ye’ll hurt her,’ she said.

  Jackser ran at her an started stabbin her chest wit his fingers. ‘She’s yer bastard, Mrs! If ye’s don’t do wha ye’re told, ye can get back out on the streets where I found ye’s. Now, do I make meself clear?’

  ‘I hear ye!’ me ma said.

  * * *

  Jackser took me wit him aroun te Mountjoy Square. We went down a lane an stopped at the stables. ‘Gerrup outa tha,’ Jackser roared at the two fellas backin a horse out. An then he laughed.

  ‘How’s it goin, Jackser? Wha’s happenin?’

  ‘By Jaysus, I’ve landed on me feet!’ Jackser said. ‘I’ve got meself a mot. This is her young one. Go on over there, you, an play.’

  I kept outa the way. I wandered up an down the lane, lost in me own thoughts, keepin a wary watch on the stables in case Jackser was callin me. I could hear them laughin, an then Jackser shot up the lane, runnin wit a horse. At the top of the lane, he turned an came runnin back. The horse lifted its legs high in the air an was beginnin te break away from him. I broke away from the wall I was pressed against an dashed inta the stables. Jackser skidded te a stop outside, pullin on the horse’s head. ‘Whoa! Easy! Easy!’ he said, an petted the horse. ‘She’s a lovely mare, ye’d know she’d been a racin horse,’ he said te the men.

  ‘Ye would at tha!’ one man said, squintin through the smoke of a Woodbine an suppin his mug a tea. I was sittin on the sacks of oats, watchin the other man sweepin out the horse manure an the wet hay. He swept it all up inta a corner of the lane, an when he was satisfied it was all clean, he put the brush away an started te put down new hay.

  I had a bad headache now, an it was gettin worse. The man wit the Woodbine noticed an said, ‘I don’t think tha young one is lookin too well. Maybe ye should get her home.’

  Jackser looked at me an said, ‘Wha’s wrong wit ye?’

  ‘Me head is painin me. I feel sick!’

  ‘Yeah, OK. I’ll get ye back in a minute.’

  When we got back, Jackser told me ma I wasn’t well. But she wasn’t listenin. ‘Go down te the shop an get me an onion. I’m goin te fry it fer his tea. An get me a bottle a milk.’

  ‘Ma, me head is painin me. I don’t feel well.’

  ‘Go on! Hurry up, then, he’s waitin on his tea! I don’t want him te start.’

  I took the money an went down the street, an then me stomach started heavin. I was bringin up the tea an bread I’d had tha mornin, an it was all water now. I couldn’t bring up any more, but me stomach continued te heave. I held on te the railins an then had te sit down on the step. Me head was burstin, an I knew I’d have te move. Jackser would be down after me, an he’d kill me if I took me time. He’d be waitin fer me te get back.

  The next mornin, he woke me te get up. I was sittin on the side of the bed an couldn’t move. The room was spinnin, an me head was worse. Jackser came over an said, ‘Come on! Get dressed.’ I made a move te get me shoes offa the floor an keeled over. Jackser picked me up an put me sittin back on the bed. ‘Wha’s wrong wit ye?’

  ‘Me head is painin me bad,’ I said.

  ‘Right! Go down te the dispensary an ask tha doctor te come up an see ye,’ he said. I slowly left the room an headed down the street. But instead of goin down te Summerhill, I sat down on the steps of a house an waited. I was six years old, an I knew it was foolish te ask the doctor te come up te the room te see me when I was the sick one.

  When I got back, I said the doctor would be up, an they put me te bed. I lay at the head of the big bed on me own. I must have dozed, cos when me eyes fluttered open I saw Eddie, Jackser’s brother, lookin down at me. I closed me eyes again. It hurt te open them.

  ‘Ah, the poor young one looks bad! Do ye think she’ll be all right?’ Eddie asked.

  ‘Ah, she’s in the best place. She can’t go wrong there. As long as she gets plenty a rest, she’ll be fine,’ Jackser said.

  I don’t know how many days have passed. But this evenin I’m feelin better. Jackser put me in a cot shoved over inta the corner. We’ve moved inta the front room, which faces out onta the street. This room is bigger, an the family who lived here moved out, leavin this cot behind. I can’t stretch me legs an am all doubled up, but it’s better than sleepin wit them. Now Jackser can’t kick me any more, tellin me te move over when I was sleepin at the end of the bed an draggin me from me sleep when I was wettin the bed.

  The two of them are gettin ready te go out. Me ma is wearin the new red coat she bought fer thirty bob when she collected the childre’s allowance an he collected the labour money. He bought himself a Crombie coat an a pair of fawn trousers an brown ankle-length horsey boots. All the horsey people wear them. An Jackser an me ma were all delighted wit their new style. ‘We’re goin out,’ he says te me, lyin in the cot. ‘We’re headin up towards the convent where the nuns give us the bread. I saw a doll fer you, lyin in the bin. An we’re goin te go up an get it. So don’t move from the cot. An don’t mind the babby, he’s asleep. If he wakes up, just ignore him. He’ll go back te sleep when he sees it’s dark an nobody’s mindin him. An if anyone knock
s, don’t answer the door.’

  I lay in the cot, watchin the shadows thrown in from the street lamp dancin up an down on the wallpaper, an I imagined the doll. I worried it might be gone – someone else might get it. Maybe it might have a broken leg. But tha wouldn’t matter. I could brush its hair an wash it. An wrap it in one of the babby’s blankets an bring it te bed wit me.

  Time passed. I’d nodded off, but they weren’t back yet. I waited wit longin fer the doll. But I enjoyed the peace of the room an was content tha Jackser was happy an excited, an me ma was laughin when they went out.

  The next day, there was no sign of the doll. I didn’t say anythin, but I wondered wha happened. Me ma an Jackser were talkin an laughin. ‘Tha was a great fillum, Jaysus, Shake Hands With the Devil. Did ye see the way he was runnin wit the coffin, an the fuckin thing broke open when they dropped it? I nearly kilt meself laughin, Sally! Did you like it?’

  ‘Yeah!’ me ma said.

  ‘By God, tha was a great night last night. I really enjoyed meself, I did.’

  ‘Yeah,’ me ma said.

  The Legion of Mary turned up this mornin an knocked on the door. They wanted te talk about religion. ‘Youse are not gettin in here,’ Jackser said te them. ‘I’ve no time fer religion.’ An he started roarin, ‘Them Antichrists, the priests, wit their thick red necks from all the best feedin of steak an the best food money can buy. Wit their motor cars, an it’s all in the name of religion! When they’re only gettin rich on the backs of the poor!’

  When he stopped fer a minute te get his breath back, one of the two women said, ‘Do you pray? It’s a great comfort to the soul. I don’t suppose you go to Mass, then? You are living in terrible sin. If you were to drop dead today, you’d go straight to Hell!’

  Jackser got his breath back an shouted, ‘I went through fuckin hell when I was locked away in Artane Industrial School fer nine years! An them so-called Christian Brothers beat the shite outa me wit a leather strap an made me plant fuckin potatoes an work out in all weathers, out in the farm. An they put me in hobnail boots tha were too small fer me, so I couldn’t walk, an now lookit me!’ An he stood back te show them. ‘Me legs are fuckin bandy! They destroyed me!’ he roared.

  The women peered inta the room an spotted me. ‘Ah, could we take the child to one of our club meetings? We’re having one today. It’s for the children, and our club is just around the corner. We hold them on a Sunday.’

  ‘No!’ Jackser roared.

  ‘Well, could we come in and maybe say a little decade of the rosary?’

  ‘Youse have had all the time I’m givin youse. Now gerraway from me door.’

  He went te bang it shut, but the woman put her foot in the door an said, ‘I implore you to see it in your heart to let the child come around to the club. It’s only for an hour, and we’ll bring her back.’

  ‘Youse are not gettin yer hands on her te corrupt her wit yer religion. I’m havin no religion in my house. An furthermore, it’d suit ye better if ye were te offer te feed the childre. They’re starved fer the want of a bit a food. I can’t work any more, I had te give it up. I was a night watchman on a buildin site in England, an the coke fire te keep me warm at night destroyed me lungs. I used te sit hunched over the fire, tryin te keep meself warm, an only a hut over me te keep out the elements. I’m destroyed, I’ll never be able te work again. Now fuck off wit yerselves.’ An he slammed the door.

  They were back the next Sunday. ‘We offered our prayers for you,’ they said te Jackser when he opened the door. ‘We prayed to our Blessed Mother to intercede with Our Lord, you would open your heart to God’s love and mercy. Please let us take the child around to our club.’

  Me ma said, ‘Maybe ye should let her go. Tha way we’d get a bit a peace!’

  ‘Right!’ Jackser said. ‘But after this no more! Ye’s are comin the hound wit me, an I’m master in me own home. Me word is law.’

  Me an the Legion women went aroun the corner te an old church. I was all excited, cos I was gettin outa the room an goin somewhere. The club was a big room wit a table an benches. There were about four women runnin in an outa the kitchen, makin sambidges an tea. An I could see plates of fluffy pink an white biscuits. Young ones were sittin along the benches an had copybooks an pencils in front of them. I thought we were all goin te school when I saw this. The young ones looked very important te me. One said, ‘Sister! Will ya be readin out the Maria Legionis te us? I have all me good deeds fer the week wrote out. Me big sister helped me. Look at all I done, Sister!’ an she slapped the copybook down in front of the woman an started makin a big noise suckin on her pencil.

  ‘Lookit what I done, Sister! I done a lot more than her.’

  ‘I was kilt helpin me mammy all week, so I was.’

  ‘No, ye wasn’t,’ another one shouted. ‘I saw ye out on the streets, day an night, playin an havin a great time!’

  ‘How would you know?’ Sucky Pencil roared back. ‘You musta bein doin nothin yerself, then!’

  ‘I saw ye from the winda. I was helpin me mammy polish the oil cloth on the floor wit me ma’s lavender polish. I was waitin fer the tin te be emptied so I could get it an play piggybeds on the street.’

  ‘Ye’re a liar! Youse don’t have oil cloth on yer floor.’

  ‘Children!’ said the sister. ‘No fighting! Our Lady’s watching.’ Then the two women arrived from the kitchen carryin trays wit sambidges an biscuits, an another woman came in wit a big kettle an white tea cups wit matchin saucers. The woman poured out the tea, an it had milk an sugar already poured inta it. I was handed a plate wit sambidges, an I helped meself te a ham sambidge. The plate was put in front of me, an I supped the tea an took a bite of the sambidge. It was good butter, an the ham was gorgeous. I kept me eye on the plate of sambidges, an I tried not te guzzle down what I was eatin. But as I reached out te take another one, hands came from nowhere an cleaned out the plate. I looked an saw the young one beside me. She had a sambidge in each hand, an she’d put two more under her, an she was sittin on them. I swallied me spit an decided te ask her fer one.

  ‘No! They’re mine.’

  ‘But I only got one,’ I said.

  ‘Well, ye won’t be so dopey next time, will ye?’ she said.

  I lost me rag an said, ‘Aw, fuck off! Stick them up yer arse! I hope they poison ye!’

  An yer woman roared up at the woman, ‘Sister! Sister! Tha new young one is after tellin me te fuck off, so she is!’

  ‘Mary Cissy! That’s not nice language in front of the Statue of Our Lady.’

  ‘She did, Miss, Sister! We heard her, too. She told her te fuck off,’ they all roared.

  ‘Yeah, an she told me te fuck off as well!’ another young one said.

  ‘That’s enough now,’ the woman said, slappin her hand on the table.

  Yer one beside me slid off down the bench, takin her copybook an chewed pencil. ‘I’m not sittin beside ye, ye fuckin eejit!’

  ‘An fuck you, too!’ I said back. An then we all said prayers, an the women brought me back.

  I started school again this mornin, round in Gardiner Street. It’s down a lane, an it’s run by the nuns. The classroom is very big. We have first an second class in the room. I’m sittin at the back, an the nun walks up an down between the rows of desks an talks an checks te see wha the childre are doin. She writes things on a blackboard. But I don’t know wha’s goin on, so I just sit there lookin aroun me, an I’m dazed. All the other childre are busy doin somethin, but I do nothin. At lunch time, the sister calls me over an says me mammy is waitin fer me in the lane. When I get there, me ma hands me a billy can an says I’m te go inta the dinner house an get a can of stew. The sister will give it te me, cos me ma already spoke te her.

  I collect the stew from the women servin behind the counter, an I don’t have te pay the penny. I don’t have te queue long behind the other poor people, cos the nun comes in an takes the can offa me an gives it te the woman te fill. An then I run home wit it an then rush bac
k te school. The bell is ringin just as I arrive, an I find me line an go back inta class.

  I’m feelin tired now, an me head is beginnin te ache. The watery sun is comin in the winda an shows all the dust floatin aroun the room. It feels hot an stuffy, an I can’t make out wha people are sayin. It’s just a buzzin noise in me head, an I give up tryin te understand what I’m supposed te be doin an put me head down in me hands an fall asleep on the desk.

  Today, they sent a big young one te come over an sit beside me. She has a blackboard an chalk. ‘Now,’ she says, an starts te write. ‘One plus one equals?’ an looks at me an waits. I don’t know wha she’s talkin about, so I just look. ‘Equals two,’ she says. ‘Now again,’ but I still don’t know, an after a while she gets fed up an says, ‘Do ye not know any sums?’

  ‘No!’ I say.

  ‘OK,’ she says. ‘Do ye know the alphabet?’

  ‘Wha’s tha?’ I ask.

  ‘Jaysus, ye don’t know anythin, then! Can ye count yer money?’ she asks. ‘Wha do ye do when yer mammy sends ye te the shop?’

  ‘I get the messages,’ I said, hopin she’d think I was grand, but she didn’t.

  ‘Ah, ye’re too stupid,’ she said. An then she ignored me an started te draw.

  ‘Wha’s that?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s a cat.’

  ‘No, it’s not! A cat doesn’t look like tha,’ I said. ‘You can’t draw, ye’re pure stupid,’ an she gave me a slap of the blackboard.

  The nun came runnin down an waved her stick at her. ‘I’m shocked!’ the nun said. ‘I thought you were a responsible girl. That’s why I put you in charge of Martha. You were supposed to help her, not hit her!’