by Martha Long
‘It’s bleedin,’ I said, tryin te pull me arm back.
‘Yeah! I can see tha, but how did ye do it?’
‘I fell an cut meself.’
‘Ye better go up te the hospital, tha’s goin te need stitchin!’
‘Will I have te?’
‘Yeah! I think ye should, it won’t stop bleedin otherwise.’
‘All right, then, I’ll go.’
We walked te the end of O’Connell Street an up onta Parnell Square. Past the strollin crowds, some of them not likin the look of us an movin apart te give us room. I didn’t like the feelin of standin out. I was not wearin me good shoes yet, or me lovely frock. I’d wanted te save them till me hair was curly. So now, wit me bare dirty feet covered in black crusty sores, not te mention me ma’s scarf tha didn’t really cover the pipe cleaners tha was stickin outa the front of me head like horns, I look like a right eejit! But now I didn’t care about wantin te look lovely any more, not wit the weight in me chest over the Jackser fella comin back tomorrow. I rushed on, wantin now te get away from all these respectable people givin me funny looks. O’Connell Street on a lovely Sunday afternoon isn’t the place fer the likes of me, not lookin like this anyway. I turned right onta Belvedere, passin the school an the Jesuits, thinkin of the priest who gave Jackser the half-crown an him findin the few cigarettes in the box on the doorstep at the same time. Puttin him in great form altogether. Then we turned left an crossed the road an went inta Temple Street Hospital.
There was no other patients, so the nurse came over te us straight away. ‘Right! Take off your cardigan, and we’ll take a look. How did that happen?’ the nurse asked, dabbin at me cut wit a big piece of cotton wool dipped in a tray of disinfectant. I said nothin. I was watchin her lookin hard at me arm, an likin the smell of disinfectant an all the other things they have fer makin ye well again. I watched her every movement as she pressed an dabbed an then dumped the dirty cotton wool in the big bin, an then dipped the steel thing wit the pointy fingers inta the disinfectant again an picked up more cotton wool. It was bleedin again, an she bent me arm an then straightened it again. It started te pour. She put a big piece of cotton wool on it an bent me arm. ‘Stay here, dear. I’ll just get the doctor to take a look.’ An off she went, through the door.
Charlie put his nose in the disinfectant, tryin te get a better smell, an then looked up at me, sittin on the side of the high bed, danglin me feet over the side. ‘Do ye think they’ll cut yer arm off, Martha?’
He looked worried, an I thought about this fer a minute. ‘Ah, no!’ I whispered back. ‘It works grand, see!’ An I gave it a few stretches, droppin the cotton wool, an we both watched the blood drippin from me arm onta the floor.
The door swung open, an the nurse rushed in laughin an holdin her arse. ‘Tommy O’Dowd, you’re a right lecher!’ she laughed inta the doctor’s face.
‘Ah, now! You weren’t saying that the other night!’ he laughed back.
Before I could wonder wha they were talkin about, the doctor marched over te me an took hold of me arm an said, ‘Oh, dear! I’m afraid you will have to get stitches. Where’s your mammy?’
‘She’s at home,’ I said.
‘How did this happen?’
He was rubbin me hand, an he had a worried look on his face. An he looked at Charlie, an Charlie suddenly said, ‘Ye won’t cut her arm off, will ye, Doctor?’
‘No, of course not! What’s your name?’
‘Charlie!’
‘And what age are you, Charlie?’
‘Four! I’m four. An I’m not lettin ye take me sister’s arm off. Cos I don’t believe ye. Me ma says ye only go inta hospital when ye’re ready te die!’
‘Yeah!’ I agreed, shakin me head at the doctor. ‘It’s true. Everyone says if ye go inta hospital, ye never come out again. They say the cure is worse than the disease.’
‘Heavens above!’ the nurse screamed. ‘We do no such thing,’ an she was roarin laughin.
‘How did this happen?’ the doctor asked me gently.
I looked at him fer a minute. He was very gentle, an I suddenly felt very annoyed wit me ma. Her an her aul Jackser fella. ‘Me ma did it!’ I said loudly. ‘She threw the knife at me!’ I was goin te say she probably didn’t mean te hit me, but I was still annoyed an left tha bit out. The doctor looked at the nurse an then whispered somethin inta her ear. An then said, ‘Will you be a very brave girl when I stitch it up?’
‘Yeah, yeah. Ye mean not cry?’
‘Yes, I’ll be very quick!’ He held up the needle an put the thread through, an then told me te look away. The nurse held me other hand, but I didn’t move a muscle, cos I wanted te make the lovely doctor happy. ‘Now, all over!’ he said, an stood up straight, admirin his stitches. ‘You were a very brave girl, very brave indeed,’ an he put his hand in his pocket an handed me a shillin. ‘Buy yourself some sweets.’ I was so delighted wit meself, everyone thinkin I’m great, an all fer nothin! Sure, I didn’t feel any pain from the stitchin at all. An they think I’m very brave! I left the hospital wit a big white bandage on me arm, wishin it coulda lasted a little while longer.
Now we’re standin outside the shop on Talbot Street. I felt me heart sinkin down inta me belly. I can’t let me ma see the bandage, or she’ll know I was at the hospital, an Jackser might get it outa Charlie tha I told on me ma. ‘Charlie! If I buy ye sweets wit the shillin will ye promise ye won’t say I told on me ma? Will ye keep quiet about the hospital? Don’t say we were there, will ye, Charlie? Cos Jackser will only kill the two of us, especially me, an he’d probably kill you too! Ye know wha he’s like.’
Charlie shook his head. ‘No, Martha! I won’t say nothin.’
We went inta the sweet shop, an I gave Charlie a thrupenny bar of chocolate. He took it from me slowly, afraid it’d drop an break on him, an then said in a whisper, ‘What else can I get, Martha?’
He couldn’t see over the counter, an I couldn’t get a good look either, cos of me sore arm. I wasn’t able te hoist meself up, never mind give him a lift up. ‘Do ye want a fizz bag, wit a lollipop inside?’
‘Yeah! Get me one a them, an a penny toffee, Mrs, please!’ I handed him the rest of his sweets. An the woman gave me sixpence change.
I looked up at all the jars on the high shelves, thinkin wha te buy meself. ‘Give us sixpence worth a bull’s eyes, Mrs, please.’
When we got outside the shop, I looked inside the white paper bag, an there was loads a bull’s eyes. I stuck one inside me mouth, an I didn’t really like the taste, it was too peppery. An suddenly I was back in the hospital sittin on the granny’s bed. I could feel the softness of her chest an the lovely feelin of bein snug sittin close beside her an me back lyin on her stomach. I could even get the smell of her soap an the talcum powder she shook on herself when she washed herself in the mornin. An the two of us snug beside each other when she did her knittin an I rolled the wool inta balls. An I sucked away on her bull’s eyes or munched one of her biscuits. An then fer no reason me chest filled up, an I was cryin. I missed the granny, an I wanted te climb up on the bed again an get her te smother me in her arms an rub me head an say, ‘Don’t mind anybody. I’ll look after ye, an if tha aul Jackser fella comes near ye again, I’ll put me boot under his arse an lift him outa it.’
Charlie was sayin somethin te me, an I stared at him, wonderin wha was happenin. An then I shook meself, an he said, ‘Why are ye cryin, Martha? I won’t say nothin, I promise! Ye don’t have te cry.’
‘Yeah! It’s all right, Charlie, I’m stopped cryin now. Eat yer sweets. We better have them all gone before we get back, or she’ll want te know where we got the money an why we didn’t bring it back instead of buyin sweets.’
I took me arm outa the sleeve an looked at the bandage, thinkin, pity! I’ll have te take it off or she’ll know I was at the hospital an then maybe find out I told. Jackser’d start questionin me ma anyway, about wha happened te me arm, if he saw the bandage. An she’d tell him I asked fer it, an he’
d only go fer me again. I threw the bandage inta a laneway an hurried on. ‘Come on, Charlie. It’s gettin late! Me ma will wonder where we got te, an I’ve nothin te bring her back. So she’ll only start givin out. An we don’t want her tellin tha aul fella when he comes back tomorrow tha we were causin her trouble.’
We walked down Corporation Street, an then I decided te turn right onta Foley Street. One last look te see wha’s goin on an have the bit of freedom before it all ends wit the mornin comin all too soon. I stopped te look at a young one from Foley Street goin inta the shop. She was only fourteen, but she had a big belly on her like the mammies have just before they come outa the hospital carryin home a new babby. She had her mother’s coat wrapped aroun her, but it wouldn’t close, an her belly stuck out. An she was wearin a pair of slippers tha kept fallin off her feet. They were too big fer her. I wonder how she got the big belly, cos I knew she wasn’t married an still lived wit her mammy an daddy an her brothers an sisters. But I definitely knew one thing, she’s goin te be comin back from the hospital wit a new babby. Ye can tell these things, however it happened te her!
We turned inta the arch an walked inta the buildins. Young fellas were sittin on the path playin cards. Woodbine butts stuck in their mouths, an all leanin inta the middle of the ring, watchin the money thrown there, ready te snatch it back if trouble broke out an someone was cheatin. I stopped fer a minute te watch two young fellas playin pitch penny. The nearest penny thrown closest te the wall an then thrown inta a drain, standin wit yer back against the wall, or landin yer penny on top of the other fella’s penny, an ye win his money. I was not bad at tha, ye need a steady arm an a good eye. Many is the penny I’ve won offa them young fellas. They made the mistake of thinkin young ones are an easy mark, an they let their guard down. More fool them!
I banged on the door. ‘Ma! Let us in, we’re back.’ Me ma opened the door an looked at us.
‘Where were youse?’
‘Nowhere, Ma!’
I looked at the floor. It was still damp an looked black an shiny, patches here an there were dry. An the smell of damp an dirt made the room look as if it was in someone’s cellar an no one lived here. The fire was not lit, an the babby was lyin on the bed whingin. His face was all white, an his nose was runnin. Teddy lifted his head, an he looked like he’d been washed. His hair was damp an standin up, an he looked very dozy, as if he was sick. I still had the bag of bull’s eyes. Charlie had swallied all his sweets before we got back.
‘Here, Ma! Have a bull’s eye. I got them from a woman I was talkin te on Talbot Street.’
Me ma wasn’t listenin, good job fer me, no questions te answer. Charlie rushed over te Teddy on the bed. ‘We went fer miles, Teddy, an we went inta a big place wit loads a big people all eatin their dinners! An the woman gave us lemonade te drink, an we did loads an loads a things. Ye should a seen us, ye should! Ye should a come wit us, ye missed it all, so ye did!’ Teddy slapped Charlie’s head away an turned his face te the wall.
‘Wha’s wrong wit ye’s? Here! Open yer mouth an put this in.’ He looked te see what I had, an I put the bull’s eye in his mouth. An he pulled it out te look at it, an sucked it an pulled it out again. He didn’t really like the taste, but he decided it was better than nothin an put the sweet back in again an sucked it, lookin more contented now. I hugged Harry an put the sweet in his mouth, watchin carefully in case he choked, ready te slap his back an put me fingers in his mouth an pull the sweet out. I hadn’t the heart te deprive him an wanted him te have a bit of enjoyment. It was a pity I didn’t think te buy somethin fer them instead of the bull’s eyes. I don’t know why I did tha, wastin a whole sixpence on bull’s eyes!
25
I’m runnin fer me life. If he catches me, I’m dead. The sweat is pourin off me. I can’t run any faster. Me legs feel like lead. I put me hands out, racin fer the door. Me eyes are locked on the door handle, if I can just reach it. ‘Mammy! Help!’ Me heart is poundin. I’m nearly there. I can feel his breath on the back of me neck. He’s tryin te reach te grab me. I push meself harder an grab the door handle. I turn it an race in just as he tries te reach out an grab a hold of me. I whirl aroun, tryin te shut the door an lean on it. But the man pushes on the door, an I use me might te get it closed, but I’ve lost. He pushes the door in, an I run again, but I’ve nowhere te hide. I’m trapped in the room. I look aroun desperately. Me heart is hammerin in me chest, an me ears is ringin wit the pain. I’m convulsionin wit the fear; me whole body is shakin.
‘Do ye hear me, Martha? I’m callin ye! Wake up!’ I shot up in the bed, lookin inta the eyes of me ma. ‘I’m tellin ye te get up!’ Me ma is shoutin at me an shakin me. I look aroun the room, an it’s gradually dawnin on me. I was dreamin. ‘Are ye awake?’ me ma asks me. I look at her. She has her coat an scarf on, an it’s still early in the mornin.
‘Yeah, Ma, I’m awake. Where are ye goin?’
‘I’m goin te walk up te Mountjoy te wait fer him outside. They’re lettin him out early. By the time I get there, I won’t have long te wait. You get up an give them their tea. I’ve poured it out. An don’t take all the milk! I’ve only a sup left, an he’ll be lookin fer a drop a tea when he gets in. An don’t touch the bread! I’ve left ye’s enough, there’s one cut fer everyone. Now get up an look after everythin. I’ll be back, an don’t have them kids roarin! I don’t want him te have anythin te start trouble about. Don’t give him any excuse.’
I looked at me ma, seein the worry in her eyes. An yet she seemed all excited, too. I wanted te ask her not te bring him back, but I knew it was no good. She was more excited about him than afraid. I felt a sickness in me stomach, lookin inta her eyes, an I turned away. She went out the door, an me teeth started te chatter. I was feelin shaky all over.
Teddy stirred beside me an sat up, rubbin his eyes, an Charlie shot up in the bed.
‘Where’s me ma?’ Charlie asked, lookin aroun him.
‘Ma’s all gone!’ Teddy said, wavin the palms of his hands. Harry was sittin at the top of the bed suckin happily on his bottle of tea.
‘She’s only gone up the road fer a few minutes,’ I said. ‘She’ll be back. Come on, get yer tea.’
I got outa the bed an put me frock over me head, feelin me hair. It felt like a woolly hat. No curls. The pipe cleaners was a waste of time an money. Ah, well! I don’t care any more. Fuck Shirley Temple, an her curls, an her dancin on her ‘Good Ship Lollipop’. Tha doesn’t happen in real life anyway.
‘Tha’s mine! Martha, he’s eatin me bread. Tha was mine first!’ Charlie screamed at me an then dived on Teddy, tryin te take the bread offa him. But Teddy had it clutched in his two hands an was tryin te hide it between his knees.
‘All right, the two of youse! Let go, Charlie, there’s bread here fer you.’
‘No! I don’t want tha, it’s only a little bit.’ He took the big bit I had fer meself.
‘Here, take mine as well!’ I roared at him.
He jumped up, grabbin the two cuts of bread. ‘Do you not want any, Martha?’
‘No! Eat it! I’m not hungry. An tha aul fella is comin back, an if he hears ye roarin, ye know what’ll happen.’
Charlie stopped dead, wit his cheeks bulgin wit bread, an then started te chew very slowly. His eyes were worried, an I felt sorry fer him, cos he was the same as me. We were the two bastards, an me ma didn’t care much fer Charlie either. She was always givin him dirty looks an callin him terrible names. I called him terrible names, too, when I was annoyed wit him, but then he was always tellin on me. But we were still the same. We didn’t have anythin te do wit Jackser. An I wouldn’t let anythin bad happen te Charlie.
‘Come on! Get yer clothes on. Where’s yer trousers, Teddy?’
I dived under the bed an brought out the clothes an shoes, an dressed Harry an put him on the floor. An took off the black hairy blankets off the bed an shook them, an then put the old heavy overcoats on top fer the extra bit of heat, an the bed was made. I rinsed the empty jam jars we drank our
tea from an left them te drain on the sink. An then wiped down the table, takin the breadcrumbs in me hand an throwin them down the sink.
‘Can we go out te play, Martha?’ Charlie asked me, lookin very white.
‘No, Charlie. Me ma said we have te stay here an wait fer them te come back.’
Charlie dragged himself over te the bed an climbed up an sat wit his back te the wall. Teddy chased Harry aroun the floor on his hands an knees. I looked out the winda. Not a soul aroun, it was still early in the mornin.
‘No! I told ye te stop moidierin me, Charlie. Youse all got the last of the bread hours ago. There isn’t even a drop a milk left te make a sup a tea. Now, just wait until they get back!’
‘I’m starvin, Martha! When’ll they come back? Ye said tha they’d be back this mornin.’
‘Yeah! I know. I don’t know where they’re gone te. Now stop whingin.’
Harry was lyin wit his head in me lap, an I was rubbin his head te try an mollify him, cos he wanted his drink of tea an somethin te eat. But me ma must be gone off wit Jackser, an he’s probably drinkin in the pub.
‘Teddy, come over here an lie down beside me. I’ll rub yer back.’ He looked at me fer a minute an then crawled over te lie beside me an put his head in the crook of me arm. An I rubbed his back, an he closed his eyes an sucked his thumb, an I could see Harry was now dozin off.
I lay quietly wit me back against the headboard, lookin out the winda, seein the dusk comin an hearin the sounds of childre playin gettin quieter. People are now goin in fer their tea. It’s gettin late. I’d better start thinkin about puttin everyone te bed fer the night. Maybe it’s better if we’re all asleep when Jackser finally comes back, then I won’t have te face him.
I slipped off the babby’s clothes an put him under the blankets. He cried fer a minute but then fell fast asleep. Then I got Teddy ready an put him te bed. ‘Charlie,’ I whispered. ‘Get yer clothes off an get inta bed.’ He said nothin but just quietly took off his clothes an climbed inta the bed. It was nearly dark now. I didn’t draw the curtains or put on the light. It would only hurt me eyes, cos I had a pain in me head, an I wanted te sit on the chair by the winda an listen te the quiet an watch the odd few people goin past. I didn’t feel so shut up or afraid when I could see the people an know I could run out there an be safe if somethin bad was te happen here.
