by Martha Long
I heard footsteps an laughin. I held me breath te listen. ‘Will ye come on!’ Tha’s me ma! They’re comin. I jumped up suddenly, knockin over the chair. Me head spun aroun the room. What’ll I do? Will I jump inta bed an pretend I’m asleep. Too late! They’re here! I rushed over te the chair beside the fireplace an whipped across the curtains an put on the light an opened the door just as Jackser staggered in. Me ma laughed, an I could see her face was red an she was all excited.
‘Ah! Me topper! I’m back!’ Jackser roared, lookin at me an snufflin.
‘Here!’ me ma shouted. ‘Sit down here an eat yer fish an chips before they get cold.’
Harry an Teddy woke up cryin an rubbin their eyes. ‘Yeh hoo! It’s me, yer daddy!’ Jackser roared at them an staggered over te the bed. Harry hid his face an turned te the wall, roarin his head off, an Teddy made a dive fer Charlie, hidin his head behind his back, an Charlie tried te squeeze himself inta the corner of the wall but was afraid te take his eyes off Jackser.
‘Ah, it’s grand te be back. An by Jaysus! I won’t be seein the inside of tha place again. Oh, no! I have big plans. We’re gettin outa this place. I’m goin te pay off the rent arrears an get ourselves a house.’ He grabbed Charlie’s cheek an squeezed it. An then dived on Teddy an sank his head inta his neck an blew on it, bitin him. Teddy screamed te get away. An me ma was hoarse askin him te come an eat his grub.
‘Here!’ she said te me, puttin chips on a cut of bread. ‘Give tha te Harry an get them up fer their tea.’
Teddy shot outa the bed when he saw the chips, an Charlie behind him. Me ma put a huge ray an a bag of chips on the plate an carried it over te Jackser. ‘Here! Take this!’ An he grabbed the plate, snufflin.
‘Fuck me, Sally, but it’s great te be outa tha kip!’
An he grabbed her arse, an she laughed an said, ‘Stop, will ya! They’re watchin.’ But she seemed happy. I felt they were dirty, an I didn’t like me ma much. I wanted te get away from her. She’s dirty! Just like him.
I sat down on the chair wit me back te the room an looked at the empty grate, tryin te get rid of the picture in me head of Jackser lyin on top of me an suffocatin me.
‘Here! Have yer bread an chips, Martha!’
I lifted me head an nodded te her. ‘I don’t want them.’
‘Here! Eat them, they’re gettin cold on ye. Ye have te eat somethin!’
‘I’m not hungry!’ I said.
An she put one of them in her mouth an said, ‘Eat them, they’re lovely!’
When I said nothin, she shook her head an said, ‘Tha’s terrible! Many’s the one tha’d be glad of them!’ An she gave some of them te Harry an put more in her mouth, an gave a bit of the bread te Charlie an the other bit te Teddy, until they were all gone. An then said, ‘Listen, Martha! Get them all inta the bed now, it’s late.’
Jackser handed me the plate an said, ‘Tha was lovely. I enjoyed tha. Jaysus! I’m banjacksed! I’m hittin the sack. Don’t be long, Sally! An put the light out! Turn yer head, you!’
An I went inta the scullery while he pulled off his trousers, showin his hairy bandy legs, an held the front of his shirt over his horrible privates, an rushed in towards the scullery, headin fer the tilet. ‘I’m fuckin burstin!’ he laughed.
‘Jaysus!’ me ma laughed at me. ‘Tha’s a terrible carry on.’
I gave me ma a dirty look an went te put the childre te bed. ‘Get inta bed, quick!’ I said te Teddy an Charlie, an whipped off me frock an dived inta the bed before Jackser came back. I rolled meself inta a tight ball an wondered if I should swap places wit Charlie. Too late now. I could hear him openin the tilet door.
I dived under the blankets an heard the two of them whisperin, an then me ma laughed. ‘Go way outa that!’ me ma said.
Jackser came rushin in te the bed, snufflin. I didn’t move, holdin me breath while the mattress heaved an he settled himself. ‘Hurry up, Sally! Put the light out,’ he roared.
‘Yes! Yes! Hold yer horses,’ me ma shouted back. ‘I’m hurryin.’
Then me ma shuffled inta the room an turned the light out. I waited fer her te get inta the bed so I could let me breath out an try te let me scrunched-up muscles loosen. I was so worried trouble might break out any minute.
‘Come on, get in,’ Jackser said as me ma climbed over him. An the mattress sank, an we all rocked from side te side wit the extra weight.
‘Shush!’ I heard her whisper te the babby as she lifted him closer inta the wall. Then she settled herself, an I heard them whisperin an laughin. I let out a breath then an loosened me muscles, stretchin me legs a little but not too much or Jackser would kick the back off me fer takin his room where he put his feet. Then I was out cold.
When I woke again, it was mornin. Me eyes shot open an clapped on Jackser pourin the tea. Me heart sank! It wasn’t a dream after all!
‘We must a spent every penny yesterday,’ he was sayin te me ma.
I looked at him. His face was fatter, an his skin looked the colour of putty. An his eyes was sunk inta the back of his head, an his hair was all cropped off. Me ma opened the press beside the fire. ‘There’s a few nice things here. I can bring them over te the pawn.’ She held up me lovely blue frock, an I held me breath. Ah, no! Not that, I thought. I never even got a chance te try it on. I was savin tha te go wit me lovely new curls! An me coat an sandals she’s taken, too. I jumped outa the bed an threw on me old frock tha was so worn out ye’d think twice about wipin the floor wit it.
‘Ma! Leave me frock,’ I whispered. ‘Ye have enough stuff there.’ I looked at her coat an her skirts.
‘Ah! Don’t be moidierin me!’ She threw the lot onta the bed an got the pillaslip an stuffed them all in.
Jackser swallied down his tea an rubbed his hands together, an shook his arm inta the air an bent himself, snufflin, an said happily, ‘Tha’s the way, Sally! Get them over te the pawn an try te get as much as ye can, an hurry back. I want te get goin.’
‘Where are ye goin te?’ me ma asked, chewin on her lip an shakin a bit wit nerves.
‘I won’t be long. I’ve just te see some fella about somethin, then I’ll be back.’
‘Ye needn’t think ye’re goin off drinkin wit the money,’ me ma said, gettin annoyed.
Jackser went stiff an clenched his fists an swung his head away, an then swung back te look at me ma. ‘Did I say tha? I’m only in the door five minutes, Mrs, an ye’re startin again!’
‘Come on, Ma! Let’s go.’ I grabbed the heavy pillacase an rushed te the door.
‘I’m not sayin anythin,’ me ma said back. ‘You’re the one wantin te go off an drink.’
Jackser looked up at the ceilin an held his arms tight by his side an clenched his fists. ‘I’m warnin ye, Mrs!’
I went te me ma an pulled her te the door. ‘Come on, Ma! There’s goin te be a big queue, an we’ll never get back.’
She turned then, sayin, ‘Don’t think ye can make a fool outa me!’
I carried the bundle out the gate an on te Foley Street, headin fer the North Strand.
‘It didn’t take the bandy aul bastard long te get back te his old ways,’ me ma said.
I was annoyed meself. ‘Ye’re only gettin wha ye asked fer, Ma! We were happy on our own, but ye took him back. Ye can’t get on without him, Ma. An he’ll always be the same. He’s no good, you’ve been told tha a thousand times by everyone who knows him. So wha’s there te talk about?’
‘Sure, where would we go? He’d track us down an come an kill the lot of us!’
‘No, he wouldn’t! He’s a coward if ye stand up te him, but ye’re afraid of him, Ma, an he knows it. If I was big, I’d smash everythin I could lay me hands on down on his bleedin head. He wouldn’t come back a second time lookin fer more.’
Me ma chewed her lip an coughed an said, changin the subject, ‘How much do ye think he’ll give us, Martha?’
I thought about it an said, ‘They’re nearly new, Ma. Ask fer two quid, hope fer thirty bob, an take twenty-f
ive bob rock bottom!’
‘Tha’d be grand!’ me ma said, laughin.
She hurried on then, an I said, ‘Here, Ma, give us a hand, this is gettin too heavy fer me, the arms are fallin offa me.’
The queue was out the door, an I left me ma chattin te the other women an squeezed me way inside te see wha was happenin. The place was crowded. Women crushed up against each other, all holdin out bundles a clothes an watchin the men, three of them, behind the high counter, examinin suits, an clothes, an bed sheets, an everythin an anythin they could get their hands on te pawn.
The men rushed up an down, puttin the stuff away on high shelves an writin out dockets an arguin about money. ‘Ah, Eddie! I’m tellin ye, ye gave me a pound on tha bundle last week. Tha’s me best stuff in tha parcel, so it is!’
‘Josie! You’ve been bringin tha parcel in since I was a lad, an that’s not today or yesterday, need I remind ye!’
The other women laughed, an an aul one roared up from the back, ‘How could we forget wit yer baldy head te remind us.’
‘Ah, you’ve gone an done it now, Mrs! He’s goin te run the lot of us out the door fer passin remarks on him!’
Another woman said, ‘Well, give us twelve shillins, Eddie! An I’m insultin meself at tha. Them sheets are the best linen money can buy!’
‘Three shillins!’ Eddie said. ‘An I won’t upset meself by openin the parcel an watchin them fall te bits in me hands.’
‘Right, then! I’ll take eight shillins!’ Josie said.
‘Five shillins, that’s me final offer,’ Eddie said. ‘An I’m gettin too soft. If I keep this up, I’ll have te close up shop.’
‘All right, then! I’ll take it,’ Josie said happily.
Eddie pushed the parcel down the counter, an it slid inta the hands of another man, who picked it up an rushed off te put it on a high shelf, standin himself up on the ladder.
Josie took her docket an the two half-crowns an moved off, an another woman moved over, puttin a bundle of dirty rags on the counter. ‘Eddie, love! Just give us five bob on these,’ she said, fixin a little babby tha popped its head up from under her brown shawl an gave a roar. ‘Shush! Shush! Here!’ an she stuck her nipple inta the babby’s mouth an pulled the shawl up an tightened it aroun her, an the babby was quiet, suckin happily on her diddy. Her black hair was thin, like long bits of thick thread hangin aroun her shoulders. An she put one side behind her ear te get a better look at Eddie.
‘Ah, me aul flower, I’ll give ye a shillin. An that’s only out of the goodness of me heart!’
‘Ah, Eddie! Give us three bob. I’ll be back in no time te claim them out!’
‘I’m not the Vincent de Paul!’ Eddie roared. ‘Do ye want te put me out on the street? Two bob, an that’s me final offer,’ he said.
‘It will do,’ the woman said.
An I moved me way out, gettin squashed, cos the women wouldn’t give an inch of space. ‘Let me out! I want te get out,’ I said, tryin te lift me head up fer air.
‘Here! Get out.’ An an aul one gave me a dig an pushed me through the crowd. They were all annoyed cos I was a young one an they might lose their place in the queue. ‘Bloody young ones, pesterin ye!’ an aul one roared after me.
Me ma was lookin very worried. ‘He’s goin te go mad,’ she said. ‘How long more have we te wait?’
‘It’s slow, Ma, but the queue is movin. We won’t be long.’
‘Jaysus, he’ll go mad,’ she said te herself.
Me ma was in a state by the time our turn came. She was worried cos we’d been waitin nearly two hours. ‘How much do ye want?’ Eddie asked me ma, examinin the clothes.
‘Eh! Will ye give us ... eh!’ ... cough ...
‘Three quid!’ I said, haulin meself up onta the high counter an diggin me feet inta the panel te stop the aul ones pushin me off.
‘I’ll give ye a pound,’ he said, lookin at me ma.
She chewed her lip an said slowly, ‘Ah, no! I won’t take tha.’
‘Two pound ten, Mister. Them clothes are the best quality money can buy!’ I shouted up.
Eddie looked at me an said, ‘Are ye tryin te take me job? Thirty bob! Tha’s the best I can do,’ he said.
‘OK, leave it at two quid. We’ll be back on Friday te claim them,’ I said.
‘Thirty-five bob, an that’s me final offer!’ Eddie said, puttin the stuff back in the pillacase.
Me ma looked at me, happily chewin her lip. ‘Done, Mister!’ I said.
‘Jaysus, ye can let her out!’ an aul one said, laughin behind me.
26
I was jumpin up an down, all delighted. ‘Yeah!’ me ma was sayin. ‘Tha aul bastard is not comin back. I got rid of him. Here, eat up tha dinner before it gets cold.’
I looked at the half-raw sausage an was about te say, ‘I think it’s supposed te be brown, Ma, not still snow white,’ when I heard a roar in me head.
‘Wake up, ye stupid bastard!’
I shot up in the bed an looked inta Jackser’s face. His mouth was openin, an his eyes was starin at me. Spit was comin from his mouth, an he was roarin somethin at me. I looked aroun an the light was still on. It must still be the night, wha’s happenin? I looked at him again, tryin te understand. He lunged at me, grabbin me by the neck, an hauled me onta the floor. ‘Do ye hear what I’m sayin te ya? Wake yerself up an get out there an watch te see if anyone is watchin us. The St Vincents are comin te see us in a minute, an I don’t want anyone knowin me business. Now move!’ He bent down suddenly an picked up me frock from the floor an threw it, landin it on me head. I pulled it on fast an headed fer the door. ‘An don’t come back until I tell ye te!’
‘No, Jackser! I won’t.’
I rushed out inta the dark hall an onta the street. It was pitch black, an the freezin cold hit me full blast. I started te shiver. I stopped an looked up an down. It was very quiet, not a soul te be seen or even a sound heard. I crossed me arms an hunched me shoulders, droppin me head down tryin te get a bit of heat. An rushed fer the stone stairs te get in outa the freezin cold an the wind tha would cut ye in two. I sat meself down on the cold stairs an pulled me frock over me knees. I felt me arse startin te freeze straight away an lifted meself up a little, balancin against the stone wall. Aw, Gawd, that’s worse. I jumped up an started te hop, tryin te get a bit of heat. But I was too tired an sat back down again. Te hell wit it, an started te rock backwards an forwards. If only I could stay in me warm bed. He does this every week. Wakin me from me sleep an makin me sit out here te watch fer nothin. People are not watchin him at all. This is all a waste of time. Why is he not like other people? I don’t see anyone else carryin on like this. He won’t call me in. I’ll have te sit out here fer hours an then creep up te the door an knock meself, hopin he won’t kick the heart outa me cos the Vincents haven’t come yet. An he’ll let me in an just say, ‘Right! Get inta tha bed.’ But it’s not long enough yet. An the cold is painin me everywhere, cos I’ve nothin on but a vest an me aul frock. I can’t last tha long, an I opened me mouth an started te cry. An it caught in me throat, cos the fear hit me. Jackser might hear me an kick me te death fer makin a show of him. So I stopped an rocked meself harder an waited.
At last I was back. I rushed in through the gates inta the buildins. Me arms was achin, an I was tryin not te drop the messages. It was a long way from the shop in Summerhill te drag all this stuff. But ye had te go only te tha shop, cos no one else would take the ten shillin voucher me ma got from the St Vincents. An ye could only get food fer it. So tha meant Jackser couldn’t spend it on drink. He was ragin. But I was delighted. I got inta the hall an banged on the door wit the heel of me foot. The bottle of milk was beginnin te slip. Me ma opened the door. ‘Quick, Ma! Grab the milk before it smashes te the ground.’ She caught it as it slipped from under me arm. I wriggled over te the table, an everythin was beginnin te fall. ‘Ma! Take the stuff offa me. I can’t hold it.’ Me ma grabbed the bag of sugar an took the rest of the messages an put them on the table.
I tried te stretch me arms, an they were locked solid.
‘Did ye get everythin?’ me ma said.
‘Yeah, Ma!’ I said, a bit worried in case everythin wasn’t there.
‘Did ye get the packet a Lyons tea? An the half-pound a margarine? An let’s see, the loaf a bread!’
‘Yeah! I got the lot.’
‘Where’s me fuckin five Woodbines?’ Jackser shouted from the bed. ‘Ye were long enough. I was goin te get up outa this bed an come after ye. An if I’d caught ye takin yer time, I’d a made ye sorry ye were ever born.’
‘Yeah, Jackser! I got yer Woodbines! An I was hurryin very fast. But I had te wait until the shop was emptied, like ye told me te. So no one would see me handin over the voucher an know yer business. An I had te wait a long time, cos the shop was crowded.’
‘Gimme the fuckin cigarettes an stop yer guff. Now get outside an play an don’t go far. I may be lookin fer ye, so I want ye te be ready in case I call ye. An when I do, I’ll only call once, so ye better come runnin!’
‘Yeah! OK, Jackser, I won’t go far!’
‘An mind them kids!’ me ma shouted after me as I made fer the door. ‘Here! Take the babby out in his pram.’
I pushed the pram outside an went back in an picked Harry up off the floor an carried him out te the pram. His arse was bare, an Jackser jumped outa the bed an gave me a clout over the head an dragged me back inside, still holdin on te the babby.
‘Here, Mrs!’ he shouted at me ma. ‘Would ye ever put a pair of trousers on tha child an don’t be lettin tha bastard a yours make a show a this house. The whore’s melt is blind as well as stupid. Couldn’t she see ye can’t bring no child a mine out in his skin! Lettin everyone think I’m not as good as the rest of them!’
