by Martha Long
‘Ah, don’t be moidierin me!’ me ma was mutterin, lookin aroun half-heartedly fer somethin te put on the babby.
Harry was slippin down me legs, an I was tryin te keep a hold of him. Me nerves was goin, watchin me ma chewin her lip an takin her time. Me head was swivellin from her te Jackser, who was pacin up an down now, clenchin his fists by his sides an givin vicious side looks te the two of us.
The babby started te squeal, an I was startin te shake. What’ll I do? Anytime now, he’s goin te land his fists on us. I whispered te me ma, ‘Give us somethin quick, Ma, te put on him.’
‘I’ve nothin,’ me ma said, annoyed an worried at the same time. ‘Everythin is soppin wit piss. Ah, just leave him there!’
I put the babby down an watched Jackser, afraid te move. He whirled aroun on the balls of his feet an grabbed me. ‘Go on, then, get out, an if this lazy aul hag doesn’t get off her arse an do somethin aroun here, she’ll find herself an her bastards out on the streets again where she belongs.’ He opened the door an threw me across the hall. I managed te land on me back an roll, tight as a ball, an jump te me feet, headin fer the street, in case he decided te put the boot in me.
I ran fer the stairs an sat meself down. Me heart was poundin, an I tried te slow me breath. Then I jumped up an sneaked a look out te see if Jackser was comin after me. No sign of him. I let out a big breath an sat back down again, well hidden on the landin step. Now I’d see him before he sees me. I could look over the banisters te keep a watch. He’s an awful habit of creepin up behind ye an catchin ye unawares. ‘Ye won’t see me comin, but I’m always watchin ye!’ he roars at me.
Teddy staggered past cryin, an a young fella of about three came after him wit a stick. I leapt up an took the stairs two at a time, catchin the young fella’s arm as he was wavin the stick in the air an threatenin Teddy wit it. ‘Ah, no ye don’t!’ I said, takin the stick off him.
‘Tha’s mine!’ he screamed.
‘Why are ye hittin him? Ye can’t do tha, ye’re a little blackguard.’
‘He spit at me!’ the young fella roared. An I looked at Teddy, all black-faced an snots. An he gave a spit at the young fella, an it went nowhere, just dribbled down his chin.
I laughed. ‘Ah! Don’t be hittin him, he’s only a babby, an you’re a big fella. Look at the size of ye. If ye go aroun hittin babbies, everyone will say you’re a coward. Now, ye don’t want tha, do ye?’
‘No! An I’m not a coward.’
‘Course ye’re not. I can see tha, ye just forgot he was a babby!’
‘Yeah, ye’re right, I forgot!’
‘So will ye mind him fer me an don’t let anyone else hit him?’ I bent down te the young fella an looked inta his face, smilin at him. He was thinkin about this an said, ‘Yeah, I’ll be his bodyguard!’
‘Right! Now don’t let him wander out the gates! He’ll get kilt wit the cars.’
‘No, I’m big, an he won’t escape me!’ An he grabbed Teddy’s hand an said, ‘Come on, we’re goin te play cowboys an injuns.’
Teddy roared an shook the young fella’s hand away. I grabbed Teddy an wiped the snots wit the hem of me frock. ‘Go on, Teddy! Frankie’s goin te play wit ye.’
Teddy looked at Frankie bendin down an smilin at him. ‘Yeah! I’ll be the cowboy an ye be the injun, ye can even have me stick.’
‘See,’ I said, givin Teddy the stick. He roared laughin, delighted, an ran off, chasin Frankie wit the stick.
I looked aroun, wonderin where Charlie was. He was supposed te be watchin Teddy, but there was no sign of him. If Jackser had caught him gone missin an leavin Teddy on his own, he would have annihilated him. Ah, fuck! I can’t do anythin or go anywhere, I’ll have te sit here an mind Teddy. He’s too little te turn me back on him, even fer a minute. He could wander out onta the road an get kilt by a car.
‘But, Ma, is it really goin te happen? Am I really goin te go te the Sunshine Home fer a holiday?’
‘Yes, yes! Amn’t I after tellin ye? Now will ye run down te the shop an get the milk before he starts roarin. He’s waitin fer the sup a tea. Now go on,’ an she pushed me outa the scullery. I rushed outa the room, throwin an eye at Jackser sleepin in the bed, an closed the door quietly, in case he woke up an started roarin. I flew te the shop, dancin in the air. The St Vincents are lettin me go on a holiday. Me heart was poundin wit excitement. I couldn’t believe it!
When I came outa the shop wit the bottle a milk, I saw Emmy crossin the road, headin fer the buildins. She’s my age an lives across from me, up on the balconies. ‘Emmy! Wait fer me, I’ve got somethin te tell ye!’
‘Wha? Wha’s happenin?’
I rushed over an said, ‘I’m goin te the Sunshine Home!’
‘Ah, Gawd, tha’s great! Ye go on a train, cos it’s in a far-off place down in Balbriggan. An it’s run by the Legion o Mary. Ye call them Sisters. They’re only women, not nuns, but ye have te call them tha, so ye do, but they’re all right really. They don’t give out te ye like the nuns. An ye get loads a sambidges, an tea from a big pot. An when I was there last year, we had great gas. The sisters were fallin aroun the place, handin us out sambidges from a huge tray. An we kept screamin at them an puttin our hands up sayin we got nothin! An hidin the bread underneath us on the benches an sittin on them.’ An then Emmy stopped te draw a breath an looked at me fer a minute an then said, ‘But first ye have te go up te the head office on Mountjoy Square, te Ozanam House, it’s called, fer an examination te make sure ye don’t have any diseases. An they look at yer head te make sure ye haven’t any nits.’
Me mouth dropped open, an me heart sank. ‘Does tha mean if ye have nits, ye can’t go?’
‘Ah, no! It just means if ye only have a few, ye’ll be grand. I mean they look at yer hair, an they don’t mind ye havin the normal amount. It’s only if yer head was walkin alive wit them.’
I let out me breath. ‘Oh, thanks be te God. Ye don’t think I’m walkin alive, do ye?’
Emmy looked at me head an said, ‘Ah, no! Ye’re grand. They’ll pass ye!’
‘Right, Emmy! I better run, me ma is waitin on the milk. I’ll see ye again.’
‘Yeah! See ya.’
An I took off, runnin wit the milk, wonderin an worried, happy tha I might go on a holiday. But then again, it was too good te be true. Anythin could happen. Jackser might not let me go. I didn’t want te really believe it.
I was sittin on the chair by the fireside thinkin about me holiday, wonderin what it would be like, when I heard Jackser shoutin. I looked over at me ma. She was sittin wit her head down lookin at the empty fireplace an runnin her fingers through her hair, lookin fer lice. ‘I asked ye, Mrs, te get them kids inta bed. Are ye fuckin deaf or wha?’
‘Ah, don’t be annoyin me. Ye’d put years on people wit yer carry on!’
‘I’ll get them inta bed, Ma!’ I said, jumpin up.
Me ma ignored me an went back te starin at the empty fire. Me heart started te pound, cos it was gettin dark in the room now, an we needed te switch on the light, but I was afraid te ask Jackser, cos he was in a bad mood.
He kept walkin up an down, clenchin his fists an lookin out the winda. I looked aroun me, not wantin te get too close te Jackser in case he lashed out wit a kick or a dig. The babby was asleep on the floor, an I picked him up an carried him over te the bed. Charlie was sittin on the floor, starin inta space. ‘Get inta bed, Charlie. Hurry up!’ He took off his trousers an climbed inta the end of the bed. ‘Come on, Teddy,’ I said quietly, puttin out me arms te him an pickin him up. He was sittin beside me ma’s chair, keenin wit exhaustion, an I struggled over te the bed wit him, managin te hump him onta the bed. ‘Ye’re gettin heavy, Teddy. I can’t carry ye now. Ye’re a big boy now, aren’t ye?’ He turned his head away from me an roared, too tired fer any more. ‘Shush! All right, I’m puttin ye inta bed now.’ An I pulled off his trousers an put him in beside Charlie.
‘Will I get inta bed now, Ma?’ I whispered te me ma, but she just ignored me. It was dar
k now an gettin cold, but I was afraid te move in case I did the wrong thing an Jackser went fer me, so I sat back down again on the chair, lookin at me ma sittin like a statue starin at nothin. An I wondered why she was not like the other mammies, laughin an wearin an apron, an makin tea, an shoutin an keepin everyone in order. An wipin babbies’ arses, an cleanin, an shoutin she’d kill the lot of them if they didn’t give her any peace! An havin a purse wit a few shillins in it, an rushin down te buy the few messages fer the dinner. An stoppin te have a talk wit the neighbours. An laughin an complainin, an rushin off again. Me ma doesn’t do any of them things. She just sits there starin an doesn’t bother about anythin. An Jackser won’t allow us te talk te Mrs Dunne any more. He hates her, cos she’s not afraid of him. An when he hears her comin an goin, he shouts names an calls her terrible things at the top of his voice. But he doesn’t say them te her face or even open the door. He just roars up at the ceilin, knowin she can hear him. I know it torments her, but she doesn’t complain. She just acts as if we’re not there an goes about her business. I feel very sorry about tha, but Jackser won’t allow us te talk te anyone. He keeps frettin tha they might learn about our business.
‘Hey, you!’ I jumped up wit the fright.
‘Yes, Jackser, I’m here!’
‘A fella I knew from a long time ago said I’m te send ye up te him an he’ll give me the price of a few smokes. Tell him Jackser sent ye, an he’ll know what it’s about. Right! Ye know the balcony te go te, an ye have the number, so get goin!’
‘Right, Jackser!’
I rushed out the door an across te the other balconies, hopin I’d get the money fer Jackser’s cigarettes. It would put him in good form fer a while. An he was very sure I’d get the money. I walked along the balconies until I found the right number an then knocked on the door. A man opened the door, an I looked at him. ‘Jackser sent me. He said ye would give him the price of a few Woodbines!’
The man looked behind him an pulled the door close te him. He was very nervous. ‘Shush!’ he said. ‘I’m not ready fer ye yet, she’s not settled down!’ he whispered te me, throwin his head behind him. ‘Come back in twenty minutes, an I’ll be waitin fer ye!’
‘Right!’ I said. ‘I’ll do tha!’
I wandered off te wait down the balcony, wonderin wha tha was all about. Why he couldn’t give me the money now.
I decided te go an knock again, cos Jackser would come after me if I wasted any more time. ‘I told ye! I’ll be ready as soon as I can. She’s not asleep yet!’ an he kept lookin over his shoulder. ‘Look! When ye come back next time, don’t come here. Knock on the back room, tha one there!’ an he pointed down the hall an then shut the door quietly. I was left starin at the closed door, wonderin wha he’s talkin about. Jaysus! Jackser’s goin te kill me fer takin so long. Will I go back an tell him or will I wait? Oh, dear God, grant tha he gives me the money fer the cigarettes an Jackser won’t kill me. An I promise te be very good from now on.
When I went back again, I stood in the hall, not sure wha door te knock on, so I knocked on one of the back rooms. The man opened the door of the first room an rushed down te me, lettin me in te the back room, an brought me over te a lovely big roarin fire. I looked aroun, there was no one else here. ‘Wait here!’ he said. ‘I won’t be long,’ an he rushed out again, shuttin the door behind him. I stood in the middle of the room lookin aroun me. It was lovely an clean. The lino on the floor was shiny an smelled of polish. An there was a lovely big mahogany bed against the wall in the corner wit big black hairy blankets an lovely white sheets an white pillacases. An two little comfortable armchairs each side of the firerplace, an a big black clock on the mantelpiece goin tick tock, wit photographs of people gettin married. They were very old, ye could see tha by the way they were dressed. An there was a lovely round table wit a big heavy cloth on it, an a rug at the fireplace. Oh, God, this is lovely!
Then the door opened, an the man rushed in. He was smilin an rubbin his hands. His face was shiny an clean, like he just shaved himself. An his hair was combed an greased wit Brylcreem, an ye could smell the soap offa him. ‘Are ye cold?’ he said, comin over te the fire. I said nothin. I was waitin fer him te give me the money, an I’d run an get the Woodbines, cos I’d taken an awful long time, an I wanted te get back.
‘Come over an lie on the bed!’ he said, lookin at me an noddin te the bed.
I looked at him an looked at the bed, not understandin. ‘Eh! I have te go, Mister. Jackser will be wonderin wha’s keepin me!’
‘Come on!’ he said, whippin me off the floor an carryin me over te the bed, an put me lyin down in the middle. I sat up, confused, taken unawares. An he pulled the frock over me head an left me sittin there naked in me skin except fer me vest.
‘No, let me out!’ I grabbed fer me frock.
‘Stay there, don’t move!’ he roared, pullin off his trousers.
I started te panic. Wha’s he goin te do te me? An now Jackser will kill me stone dead fer all the time I wasted.
I started cryin an tried te pull the frock over me head an get me legs outa the bed.
‘It’s all right,’ the man said, holdin me arms an takin the frock offa me. ‘He won’t mind. I’ll give ye the money fer his cigarettes. Now lie down an be good, an I won’t hurt ye. I told him not te send ye up until after dark, so don’t be worryin.’
I looked at the wall an waited. He opened me legs an said, ‘How old are ye?’
‘Nine!’ I said.
He just knelt between me legs an said nothin, just looked, an kept examinin me. I stared at the wall, afraid te shut me eyes tight in case he knifed me or somethin, or broke me bones, or tried te strangle me. Plenty of childre get murdered one way or another. An I knew I was in fer an awful lot of pain, an I needed te keep me senses about me. One thing I can’t do an tha’s te annoy him. Ye can certainly get yerself kilt tha way! So I lay very still an looked at the wall.
‘Ye could pass fer a six year old! Ye’re very small fer yer age! I’d prefer if ye had a bit a meat on ye.’ Then he lay down on top of me, an he started te rock himself.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, I counted te meself. All good childre go te heaven. When they die, say goodbye.
‘Pull this, will ye! Come on, I’m talkin te ye!’
I turned aroun lookin at him. He was kneelin up again. ‘Wha?’ I said.
‘Pull this!’ an he took me hand an put it between his legs.
‘No!’ I said. ‘I want te go home!’ I tried te sit up, an he pushed me back down.
‘Do as ye’re told, or I’ll tell Jackser ye were no good te me an he won’t get no cigarettes from me. Do ye understand tha?’
I lay back slowly, movin away from his face. He looked like he was goin te hit me. ‘Jackser expects me te get me money’s worth. So do as I tell ye. Now pull this, like tha!’
I looked at the thing between his legs. It was different from tha bastard. It wasn’t big an hairy, it was little an white, more like me babby brother’s, except fer all the hair aroun it. I looked at the wall, an I waited. I wouldn’t touch it. He lay back down on me an rocked. I’m goin te the top balcony, an I’m goin te jump off. He got up an knelt, holdin his thing an pullin it like mad, an stared between me legs. I don’t care any more, this life will never end unless I end it meself. So I needn’t worry now. No matter wha happens te me, I can end it meself. I thought of meself flyin through the air an smashin te the ground. I saw me head explodin like a squashed tomato, an then I’d have an awful lot of pain. It would be terrible!
An then I had the picture of the other child, Nora, lyin on the ground very still. Her eyes were closed, an she didn’t feel anythin. Yeah! I could put up wit the pain. It would last fer a few minutes, an then it would be gone, an I’d never have te worry again. So tha’s what I’ll do.
‘Come on, get up!’ I felt the man’s weight liftin offa the bed, an I came outa me dreamin an looked aroun. ‘Hurry! Get up, I’m tellin ye. I have te be outa here before the aul w
oman gets back from her devotions. She’ll be makin her way back now from Marlborough Street Church. I only borrowed this room. I’m supposed te be keepin an eye on the fire fer her!’ He was hikin himself inta his trousers an lookin fer his sock. I didn’t care wha he was sayin. I slowly put me frock over me head an walked te the door, waitin fer him te give me the money fer tha Jackser’s cigarettes. He put his hand in his trouser pocket an handed me two shillins. ‘An here’s threepence fer yerself. Now buy yerself a bar of chocolate!’ I took the money an made fer the door. ‘Listen! Ye know ye’re not te say anythin te anybody about this, don’t ya?’ I said nothin, I didn’t care. ‘I hope ye’re listenin te me, cos, number one, people won’t believe ye, an number two, Jackser promised, an he means this! You’ll be taken out te the country an buried alive in a big hole. An ye’ll never be found!’ I looked at him. ‘Ye know I’m tellin ye the truth. I know Jackser a long time. He’s a mad bastard! An he wouldn’t think twice about it if ye crossed him!’
The man’s eyes was bulgin, an he was afraid, too. I nodded me head, ‘No, I won’t say nothin te nobody.’
‘Good girl!’ he said happily, an he opened the door, an I walked inta the dark hall an out inta the dark cold night air.
I walked down te the shop, lookin up at the stars an thinkin, men are not nice. They want te do horrible things te me. An I wonder if any other kids get tha done te them. Somehow, I feel very old. I think I’ve missed me chance of ever gettin te find out what it would be like te have a real mammy an daddy te let me sit on their knee an do me hair an mind me. I’m a bit too old fer all tha now. An I started te cry. The tears rolled down me face, but I didn’t make a sound. An I couldn’t shout fer someone te mind me like I always did before in me own mind. Cos now I know tha won’t happen. I’m on me own. I had me chance wit Mrs Dunne, but tha’s over now. I’m just an aul one. Me childish days are gone fer ever.
27
I can’t believe me good luck! Here I am sittin on the train goin te the Sunshine Home fer a week’s holiday. I looked down, admirin me new brown leather shoes wit the straps an the shiny silver buckles, an me lovely white socks, an then brushed the dust off me lovely red an white checked frock. There wasn’t a crease on it, never mind dust, but I wanted te keep it immaculate clean, cos I felt lovely in it. Jackser warned me, before he let me on the train, I was te come back wit it in the same condition I got it. An I wasn’t te get a mark on me new shoes. Me heart was in me mouth, cos I thought right up te the last minute he’d change his mind an not let me go. I’d been worryin meself sick fer weeks, wonderin if I’d get te go. Ever since I passed the head examination fer lice an disease tha the St Vincent de Paul give ye up in Ozanam House in Mountjoy Square. But I did pass it. An then ye get sent te another room where they give ye a parcel wit the frock, an the shoes, an socks, an knickers an vest, an even a lovely white cardigan. The waitin an wonderin an the excitement nearly kilt me. I’d been runnin up an down fer messages wit me head splittin me, an I’d stop te vomit me guts up an then run on again. It was all the worryin tha caused it. But here I am now. An I’m so happy. I’m thinkin, all is well in the world, an God must be in his heaven.
