Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  Jackser roared outa the scullery at me. ‘Tell tha woman te come in fer her dinner. It’s gone fuckin stone cold!’

  ‘Here!’ me ma roared at me. ‘Give the babby the rest a the bottle, an make sure ye wind her or she’ll get sick.’ I sat on the chair, an me ma handed me the new babby, fixin her back an head on me arm, an I lifted me knees an held her in tight te me, afraid a droppin her. Me ma put the bottle in the babby’s mouth an lifted me arm. ‘Keep the bottle up, an don’t let any air in.’

  The babby started te suck an then stopped te look up at me. ‘Yeah! It’s me,’ I said, shakin me head an laughin at her very quietly. She started te suck again, an I looked at her huge blue eyes starin up at me. ‘Ye’re gorgeous,’ I whispered, starin back at her. She gripped me little finger wit her tiny hand, then stopped an went red in the face an gave a huge fart, shittin inta her new nappy me ma’d just put on her. I took the bottle outa her mouth an looked at it. Only one ounce left. She had enough an started te doze off. So I leaned her forward, restin her chin on me arm, an held her belly an started te rub her back very gently, cos her little bones are like matchsticks. An her wind came up wit a drop a milk dribblin down her chin. An I wiped it wit the clean torn aul nappie me ma keeps fer her. An I carried her over te the cot an put her lyin down te sleep. She didn’t stir, an I looked at her. She was like a livin doll. She never cries an only wakes fer her bottle. An she’s nearly seven weeks old. Her name is Sally, after me ma. Pity tha, cos she would’ve been better wit a name like Sofia, like the fillum star.

  ‘Did ye not tell her yet?’ I heard Jackser shoutin back te me ma as he came inta the room.

  ‘Ah, don’t be botherin me,’ me ma shouted back.

  ‘Holy Jaysus!’ Jackser said, lookin up at the ceilin. ‘They’re after us again te get ye te school, or they’re puttin you away, so get yer arse up te tha church at half-eight, first thing in the mornin. An there’s a bus waitin te drop ye outside the school.’

  ‘Yeah, OK, Jackser.’ I tried te make sense a this. It’s well over a year since I was in tha school, an even then I hardly showed me nose in the door. Maybe only fer a few weeks they sent me there in all tha time. I won’t know where te go or wha te do, an I have no pencil or copybooks. Jaysus! Them nuns’ll kill me. They’re very strict altogether.

  Me ma came in moanin. ‘What am I supposed te do wit all them childre on me own? An who’s goin te go fer the messages, may I ask?’

  ‘Don’t I do everythin fer ye, Mrs? Do ye want them te take tha young one away? Then we’ll be truly fucked!’ Jackser roared, an pointed his finger at me ma’s chest.

  ‘Ah! I don’t know. She should be able te finish school by now, she’s eleven years old, fer God’s sake.’

  I am? When did I get te be eleven? This is the first time she mentioned tha.

  I was out the door an flyin fer the bus, up the hill an across the road. Wonder where the bus is? Through the church an out the gate again. Where’s the bus? Ah! Mammy, I’m goin te miss it. There it is! Over by the shops. I flew across the road, not mindin the Morris Minor car tha came aroun the corner. I made it stop, an the man waved his fist at me. I looked again. Ah! Tha’s me ma’s doctor, hope he doesn’t know me.

  I made it up behind a gang a kids all squeezin onta the platform, squashin the conductor inta the corner as he tried te hold onta his bell te stop the childre from bangin it. ‘Go easy! Go easy!’ he roared, as everyone tried te make it up the stairs before it filled up an the rest of us got kicked downstairs. ‘There’s plenty a room inside!’

  I squeezed inside an made fer the end of the bus, wantin te sit at the back on the long seat where ye could see everythin happenin. ‘Inside now! No more seats upstairs!’ roared the conductor, jumpin on the stairs te block the childre goin up. Everyone banged the bell, hopin te make the driver take off an leave the rest of them still rushin from all directions te catch it.

  The bus was full now, an childre were still rushin on. ‘Push up there! Let us on!’ The conductor pushed all the childre havin te stand now down the bottom, an I couldn’t see a thing. The bus was burstin.

  ‘Geroff the platform!’ screamed the conductor. An pushed even more down.

  Jaysus! I’m suffocatin. Then the bell gave three loud quick bongs an another three bongs. An the driver pushed back the little winda behind me back an looked fer the conductor but couldn’t see or hear a thing wit the noise. ‘OK, Tommy!’ screamed the conductor, swingin outa the bar an leanin offa the platform. ‘We’re off!’

  The bus farted an gave a big bang, an puffs of blue smoke blew up outa the back. It took off, an we’re hardly movin. Kids banged on the winda an roared inta the driver, ‘Hey, Mister, we’d be faster runnin! Do ye want us te ger out an push? My aunt Lizzie she lives in number eight, she has two diddies, like a ball a ...’

  ‘Cut tha disgustin singin out,’ screamed the conductor up the stairs. The windas were all open, an everyone was pushin an shovin te lean out.

  ‘Hey, Jenny! Are ye not goin te school?’ A young one standin on the seat in front of me screamed out at another one on the other side of the road.

  ‘No! I’m not well!’ she roared.

  ‘It’s well fer ye!’ screamed the one on the seat.

  ‘Tell the teacher fer me, will ya?’ shouted the other one back.

  ‘No! I’m tellin her ye were mitchin!’

  The bus lurched an got a second wind, an took off flyin, rockin from side te side. An everyone standin was now collapsed on top of the childre sittin. ‘Geroffa me! Ah, me leg! This is my seat! Mister, she hit me!’ Everyone was roarin.

  The conductor took no notice. ‘Fly me to the moon!’ he sang, puffin on his Woodbine. Then we got te Dorset Street, an the conductor suddenly gave two bongs te the bell, an the bus came te a skiddin stop, sendin everyone flyin again, landin on seats an the floor.

  ‘We’re stopped!’ shouted the childre, an the conductor waved at the driver, who shot back his little winda te see wha’s goin on.

  The bus conductor flew inta a sweet shop. An everyone shouted, ‘Come on! He’s gone inta the shop! Buy me a penny toffee, will ye? Here’s me money.’

  ‘Get’s a fizzy bag!’ screamed another young one. An gangs of childre roared in after the conductor.

  They all came flyin back out again. ‘Get back on tha bus!’ roared the conductor, grabbin childre by the arms an carryin them onta the bus. An he lashed out wit his foot, tryin te stop others escapin back inta the shop. ‘I’m tellin the head nun on the lot of ye’s if ye’re not back on tha bus right now,’ he screamed, tryin te grab them scatterin in every direction.

  ‘Ye’re not tellin on us, Mister! Lookit us, we didn’t geroffa the bus,’ roared childre from the top winda.

  The driver was watchin an waitin. ‘Have we got everyone?’

  ‘Yeah, Tommy! I think so,’ the conductor said, outa breath, lookin outa the bus te make sure. ‘No, wait!’ An a young one came outa the shop suckin an icepop.

  ‘Tha’s not fair, Mister! We want te get somethin. We’re entitled!’ screamed childre from the platform.

  ‘I’m reportin you!’ screamed the conductor. ‘Get on the bus before I put the lot of youse off.’

  The young one galloped onta the bus, an the conductor jumped on an bonged the bell three times. An the driver shut the winda an then opened it again an roared, ‘If any one of youse bang on this winda again, I’ll leave the whole pack of ye’s stranded where ye’s won’t be found fer a week!’

  ‘Ye can’t do tha, cos we’ll report ye te CIE. We know our entitlements! Yeah! An we won’t think twice about it neither.’

  The driver slammed the winda shut, an the bus roared an gave a big bang. An blew a big cloud of black smoke, an tore off, sendin everyone flyin. An then rocked back, an everyone went flyin in the opposite direction. An the conductor opened a new pack a Woodbines, peelin off the wrapper an throwin it offa the platform. An he stuck a cigarette in his mouth an lit it wit a match, an took a big drag inta his lungs, an shook himself
, mutterin under his breath, ‘Jaysus! This job will be the death a me yet!’

  We drove inta Mountjoy Square an turned right. ‘We’re there!’ childre shouted.

  ‘Come on, where’s me schoolbag?’, ‘Oh, Mammy! I forgot me copybook’, Lend’s a pencil!’, ‘Oh, Gawd! I didn’t do me exercise, the teacher’s goin te kill me.’

  ‘Hurry! Geroffa the bus.’

  Everyone was goin mad. All shoutin, an frettin, an pushin, an standin on each other when some were crawlin under the seats tryin te find their things. I took me time, in no hurry te get in them gates. Me heart was beatin like a drum. These young ones have been goin te school fer years. An they know wha te do an where they are. I know nothin. An I hate te look like an eejit. Pity I didn’t know sooner. I could’ve fixed meself up wit a copybook an pencil.

  I was bein pulled along by the crowd. ‘Come on, youse! The bell is gone, we’ll be late!’

  We went through the doors, an everyone flew in different directions. I stopped an looked aroun me, wonderin what I should do. ‘What do you think you are doing, standing about here?’ a voice barked at me. I got such a shock when I saw a big black figure flyin at me. Me eyes blurred, an I was seein three of it. ‘I asked you a question! Are you deaf?’ she screamed. I looked up inta the white face – the cheeks were hangin down, an it was squashed inta a white cap covered in a big black veil, an a long black habit, ye couldn’t see her shoes. An she was pointin a big bell at me an starin down at me wit her watery faded blue eyes waitin fer an answer. I forgot wha she asked me, so I stared back, waitin fer the question again. ‘You stupid girl! What is your name?’

  ‘Martha, Sister. I was here before.’

  ‘Are you a new child? Who sent you here?’ she looked aroun te see if anyone brought me.

  ‘Eh! Not really new, only a little, cos I was here before!’

  She looked down at me, tryin te figure out what I was talkin about. ‘When? When did you last attend here?’

  ‘Eh! Maybe a year ago, or it could be more. I don’t really remember. Ye see, me mammy told me te come back te school or I’m goin te be sent away,’ I tried te explain as she stared at me.

  ‘Are you on our roll?’

  I stared at her, thinkin. ‘Eh! Wha roll is tha, Sister?’

  ‘Follow me, you stupid creature! Stand against that wall!’

  I stood up against the wall outside her door, an she marched in an slammed the door behind her.

  I could hear childre chantin their lessons inside all the classrooms down along the passages. ‘No! No! Sit up and pay attention!’ I could hear a teacher roar, as she banged her stick on a desk. I shivered at the thought of havin te go inta one a them.

  The door swung open, an I stood up straight. ‘Come with me quickly!’ an she marched off down a corridor, past classrooms wit foggy glass at the top of the door so ye couldn’t see in. But ye could hear the noise comin out, no problem. Teachers shoutin an childre repeatin all together wha the teacher was tellin them.

  We stopped outside a classroom, an the childre inside were chantin numbers. ‘Nine ones are nine!’ An the nun listened until they were finished an then knocked on the door an opened it. All eyes swung on the nun, marchin over te the desk te talk te a fat little nun wit a red face. ‘Ah, Sister Vianney!’ An they turned their backs on the childre an whispered, puttin their heads close together.

  I stayed half in an half outa the door, watchin the nuns. Then I looked at the childre as they swung their eyes aroun catchin sight a me. They nudged each other an whispered wit their hands over their mouths. ‘Who’s tha? Gawd! Lookit the state a her!’

  ‘Quiet!’ the fat nun suddenly barked. An then the other nun turned an walked out the door. I crept inta the room, listenin te the quiet while the little fat nun pulled out a big book from a drawer in the desk an wrote somethin in it. Then she slammed the book shut an put it back in the drawer, an stood up from her desk an looked at me, then looked at the back of the classroom an pointed te an empty desk an said, ‘Sit down there.’

  I followed her finger an spotted the place she wanted me te go. An walked down the middle of the room, wit dozens a pairs of eyes all pinned on me. Me legs was shakin, an I felt very foolish, cos some of them were titterin behind their books.

  ‘She’s real scrawny!’ one young one was whisperin behind her hand.

  ‘Back to work!’ roared the nun.

  I sat down an looked at the empty seat beside me. Glad of tha. No one te bother me. I had a big winda on me right, an I could look out the winda an see up tha Mountjoy Square.

  ‘Marie Byrne!’ the nun shouted down from her desk, pointin her stick at a young one. ‘Come up here an give me the nine times table.’

  The young one crawled up te the top of the class an stood lookin down, twistin her fingers an lookin up at the ceilin. ‘Start!’ roared the nun, bangin her stick on the desk.

  ‘Nine ones are nine,’ she squeaked, then coughed an started again. ‘Nine ones are nine, nine twos are ...’ an she looked up at the ceilin, ‘are eighteen, nine threes are ...’ an she tried te count on her fingers without bein seein. ‘Nine twos are eighteen, nine threes are, are ...’

  ‘Stand against the wall with your back to the room!’ screamed the nun. ‘I will deal with your idleness later. Now! The rest of you, open your table books at nine times division.’ An everyone started chantin out the nine times division. It was just a dronin noise te me. I didn’t know wha they were sayin, so me mind wandered off te look out the winda, an I longed te be grown up like tha aul woman rushin past te get her messages. On her own an no one te bother her. She disappeared outa sight aroun the corner an up the hill. Tha left me watchin the aul mangy dog sniffin aroun the waste ground hopin te find somethin te eat. Even the dog can go about his business. No one te mind wha he’s doin. But no! I wouldn’t want te be a dog. I’m better as I am. There’s always a chance fer me, but a dog has no chance. A dog can be put down anytime. At least as a child they can’t be too quick te put me down. No! I’ll just have te watch meself here. An it will all pass eventually.

  ‘Go on, get goin!’

  ‘Right, Jackser. I’m goin.’ I rushed outa the door an started te run, feelin Jackser’s eyes watchin me from behind the curtain. Ye always have te run everywhere. Jackser doesn’t like me te walk. He thinks I’m idlin if I walk. I kept up a slow run until I turned the corner. Then I slowed down, feelin very tired an not in the mood te face another walk in an back te tha school. I couldn’t understand why he was sendin me inta school when there’s a bus strike on. An yet the week before last he kept me out fer the whole week, even though I was only four days started in the school. At least it’s Monday. I’m glad Friday an Saturday is over. I didn’t get caught robbin the butter. An I needn’t worry fer another few days. Not until Wednesday or Thursday, anyway. Tha’s when I start te get very sick, worryin meself half te death about it.

  I arrived up at the church, ready te head down the hill when I saw a crowd a people over at the bus stop beside the shops. An they were climbin up onta the back of army trucks. I rushed over. ‘Wha’s happenin, Mrs?’

  ‘They’ve brought in the army te get us te work.’

  ‘Where’s this truck goin te? Hey, Mister!’ I shouted te the soldier helpin the women up.

  ‘Inta town, me little darling!’ he laughed as he lifted me up an whooshed me through the air, landin me sittin on a bench beside a woman chinnin her head scarf up an down. I was delighted, lovin tha spin. An feelin very contented at gettin a lift inta town.

  Another woman leaned herself down beside me, an the two of them leaned inta each other an started talkin. ‘Isn’t this grand, Mrs!’ said Chinny, restin herself on top a me.

  ‘Oh, it’s lovely!’ said the fat woman. ‘The blessins a God on the army! What would we do without them, I’ll never know.’

  ‘Ah! They’re grand all right!’ coughed an old man sittin on the bench opposite, chokin on his Woodbine.

  ‘Hey, sonny! Where’s this one takin us to?’ a
nother man roared down the lorry te the soldier. Everyone waited fer his answer.

  ‘O’Connell Street, outside the Metropole!’

  ‘Lovely! Tha suits me fine,’ an everyone shook their heads in agreement, noddin te each other.

  The lorry filled up, an the soldier slammed the back shut an jumped up beside the driver, an we took off, flyin inta town faster than the bus. I was lookin out through the back, an people were watchin us flyin past an wavin at us. The truck stopped, an the soldier helped everyone down. An I waited me turn an lifted me hands, an sure enough I got another spin, flyin through the air. An he landed me on me feet an patted the top of me head. An I laughed, feelin giddy from the excitement of it. Then I headed up Parnell Street an left up the hill, an slowed down before I hit the gates. I’m on time, an the lorries are pickin us up at five o’clock te take us out te Finglas. I can hang aroun till then, an Jackser will never know the difference. He’ll think I’ve walked!

  There was very few childre at the school when I came in the school yard. The nun was ringin the bell, an only the childre from the city centre was here. I’m the only one from Finglas who’s come. They probably don’t know about the army trucks yet. The nun twisted her mouth up inta a smile when she saw me. ‘You must have left home at dawn to get in to school on time?’ she said, holdin her bell te stop it ringin.

  ‘Eh! Yes, Sister,’ an she shook her head, thinkin about this. An started ringin her bell again, shakin it in the face of young ones stragglin behind me.

  ‘Come along! Hurry, you lazy idlers.’

  I went down the corridor, headin fer me classroom, smilin te meself. She thinks I walked in this mornin. Grand, let them think I’m great. It feels lovely when people like me.

  33

  I was just headin in the gate from school when Jackser whipped the front door open. ‘Here, you! There’s half a crown. Run up te tha van an get me five Woodbines. Hurry!’ he barked.