Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  I tore up Parnell Street, lookin back te see Jackser grab a hold a me ma an pin her against the wall. I slowed down an stopped. He has her! Jaysus! What am I goin te do? I rushed back, stoppin a few feet away. Now he was roarin inta her face an pointin te the sky. ‘They’re gone, ye whore, gone!’

  ‘Where are they?’ me ma was askin, white as a sheet an shakin.

  ‘I fucked them inta a home. Wha did ye think I’d do? They’re split up in all directions. Did ye really think I was goin te take care of them? Did ya?’ he screamed.

  ‘But where are the childre now?’ me ma asked, shakin like mad.

  ‘I told ye, ye’re not listenin te me. They’ve all been put inta different homes,’ he roared, stabbin the air wit his pointed finger an lookin at her wit his eyes starin an his jaw droppin open, soundin very satisfied wit himself. Me ma started te cry. ‘It’s too late fer tha now, Mrs,’ he said, standin back from her. ‘An I’m on me way over te the Corporation now te hand them back the keys of the house.’

  ‘I want te see the childre,’ me ma said, lookin at him. ‘Where are they?’

  Jackser stepped inta me ma’s face again. He had an evil sneer on his face, an he said quietly, ‘Ye won’t be seein them again. They’re gone fer good. I signed them away, as you’re not fit te take care a them. Remember, whore! You were the one tha abandoned them! An ye’ve no home te take them to. So you can fuck off now. Cos I’ve already got another woman lined up fer meself,’ an he laughed, throwin his head back.

  Me ma stared at him, tryin te work out wha was happenin. ‘Yeah!’ he said, shakin his head slowly at her an laughin again. ‘They’re gone, every last one of them, an you’ll never find them. Ye can start searchin, Mrs, but they won’t tell ye fuck all.’

  Me ma looked at me in desperation. ‘Jaysus Christ! The childre are gone, ye poxy bastard,’ she roared at him. He sneered at her, enjoyin himself. ‘An ye’re goin te give up the keys of the house? Ye can’t do tha! Tha’s my home, too.’

  ‘No, Mrs! Ye’re wrong there,’ he said happily. ‘Tha house is in my name. An I can do what I fuckin well like.’

  Me ma was blinkin like mad, tryin te think. ‘Ma, tell him, tell him, Ma, you were comin back te him. Tell him ye missed him an the childre!’ I looked at him. ‘Jackser, she missed ya! She never stopped talkin about ya!’

  The bastard’s face lit up, an he looked at me ma. She looked at me, ‘Yeah,’ she said, blinkin at him an chewin on her lip.

  ‘Well, tha’s different. Tha’s a different story altogether! If I thought ye were back fer good, an I knew ye’d never try anythin like tha again, maybe I’d see me way te lettin ye back. But there would be changes, mind! Ye’re not gettin off tha easily!’

  ‘Yeah!’ me ma said, noddin agreement. ‘So let’s go, then. I want te get the childre back. We’ll go now.’

  Jackser snuffled happily an looked at me, noddin away, agreein wit everythin tha was bein said. ‘Right! The first place is Cheeverstown. Tha’s where Dinah an the babby is. An you! Go on home. Charlie will let ye in. I kept him back te look after the house.’

  ‘Ye didn’t put Charlie away?’ me ma said, lookin confused.

  ‘No, he’s your bastard, an I needed him te get me messages. Go on! Are ye still here?’

  ‘I’ve no money fer the bus fare.’

  He put his hand in his pocket an took out two pennies an threw them at me. ‘Here, get runnin fer tha bus.’

  I sat on the bus lookin out the winda seein nothin. Caught! Just like tha. An everythin’s gone. We couldn’t let him give up the house, cos he’s right, the bastard. We’d never get the childre back. At least this way we have a chance. We can try te find a place of our own once we have the childre. An poor Charlie! He kept him wit him. Tha child is only six. He wouldn’t be able te do much, an Jackser was sure te beat the hell outa him. I looked up, an the bus was comin te my stop. I jumped up, an the conductor banged the bell wit his fist. I didn’t wait fer the bus te stop. I held onta the bar an jumped off backwards when it started te slow down. An then I ran forwards te keep me balance. The conductor thumped the bell again, an the bus picked up speed without stoppin. I like doin tha, cos it tests me te see how fast I am on me feet. I’m always testin meself. Jumpin off high walls, climbin things. If I’m afraid of somethin, then I have te have a go, to test meself an beat it.

  I started runnin, wantin te see Charlie. In the gate, better close it or tha aul fella will go mad. I banged on the letter box, the knocker’s gone. An Charlie opened the door. He stood starin at me, an I couldn’t take me eyes offa him. I came in slowly. Jaysus! Wha happened te him? He looks like an aul man. His eyes were sunk in the back of his head, an he had big purple marks under his eyes. An his hair was matted, an he was in his bare feet an wearin a pair of short trousers tha looked like they’d belonged te a twelve year old. An the rest of his face was grey. A dirty grey. ‘Where’s me ma?’ he stood starin at me.

  ‘We’re back, Charlie!’ I said slowly, smilin, tryin te take him in.

  ‘Yeah!’ he said quietly, turnin his back on me. ‘An ye’s went off leavin me behind.’ An he walked off slowly inta the sittin room. I followed him in. Jaysus, the place is a mess. Porter bottles everywhere. An jam jars wit tea, an plates, an spoons, an filth on the floor walked inta the filthy dirty black floorboards. The smell was terrible. I opened the curtains an the windas te let in the air, an the fuckin chairs was broken an smashed against the walls an thrown in the corner. Christ! Me heart was sinkin down inta me belly.

  ‘There’s nothin te sit on,’ I said, lookin aroun the empty room wit only the table still standin an dirt everywhere. I looked at Charlie, an he said nothin. ‘Wha happened, Charlie?’ I asked him quietly. He looked away, sayin nothin. ‘Did he go mad?’ No answer. ‘Did he kill ye, Charlie?’

  He shook his head up an down. ‘Youse left me wit him, ye’s wouldn’t take me,’ was all he said. He looked like a very old man standin there in the trousers too big fer him, an his legs, ye could only see a bit of them, was like two matchsticks hangin under curtains. An his feet were black. His eyes was dead, though. An his face was all grey an purple.

  ‘Yeah! It was a terrible thing we did te ye. Leavin ye behind. I should’ve made me ma bring ye wit us. Later, when it hit me, I knew he’d kill you, cos ye don’t belong te him, an he’d take it out on you! I’m sorry, Charlie!’

  Charlie stared at me listenin, then he turned his head away, takin in a breath, an said, ‘Yeah! He hates us, Martha. He wishes me ma didn’t have us.’

  I shook me head, ‘Yeah, Charlie! Ye’re right. He thinks we’re only the bastards, but who cares wha tha mad bandy aul bastard thinks. Come on, let’s pick up this rubbish before tha animal gets back.’

  I started te pick up all the porter bottles, an I headed fer the back door, puttin them in the corner, cos the dustbin was overflowin. ‘Jaysus, he went mad on the drink.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Charlie said. ‘He brought aul ones back, an they were laughin an drinkin all night.’

  ‘Wha?’ I said. ‘Here, in the house?’

  ‘Yeah. One aul one came in already drunk, an she was plastered wit lipstick all over her teeth an her mouth. Jackser wanted me te cook black an white puddin an eggs fer them. But I couldn’t light the gas. An he gave me a smack a the fryin pan, an I woke up lyin at the back door. I was vomitin me guts up wit the pain in me head. Here, look on the top! Ye can still see the sore.’

  I bent down, an his head was matted. It was hard, the blood must of caked in an dried it stiff. ‘It bled fer weeks, Martha. An I had a headache all the time, cos I must a touched it in me sleep, tha’s why the sore kept openin.’

  ‘Go in, Charlie,’ I said, feelin terrible. ‘This is hell. We have te get the fuck outa here.’

  ‘Ye’re takin me wit ye’s. I’m not stayin no more,’ Charlie said, lookin up at me ashen-faced.

  ‘Yeah, Charlie. Don’t you worry. Me ma’s takin everyone. We’re goin te get a place of our own an get away from tha mad aul fella.’


  ‘When?’ Charlie asked.

  ‘Me ma’s goin te get everyone outa the homes, then we’ll start lookin,’ I said happily, thinkin about it.

  Charlie lifted his shoulders te give a big sigh an sorta smiled, then he dropped them again. I was happy te see him liftin up a bit. But he didn’t look well, an it broke me heart.

  ‘Let’s make a sup a tea, Charlie,’ I said, headin fer the kitchen.

  ‘There’s no milk, Martha.’

  ‘Ah, Jaysus, tha’s too bad.’ I was disappointed. An there’s no bread, so tha’s tha then. We’ll just have te wait.

  I was lookin at him when I heard the front gate openin. I leapt te me feet, an Charlie was screamin in fright. He was tryin te get up in a hurry. I was already halfway te the door, an I rushed back, helpin him te his feet. ‘Take yer time, Charlie! Sneak through when they’re in the sittin room,’ I croaked, me heart poundin.

  The door whipped open, an Jackser glared at me, puttin Dinah down on her feet. She started te whinge. ‘Where the fuck are you hidin, Mrs? Why the fuck didn’t ye have the door open fer us?’

  ‘Sorry, Jackser. I was rushin te get it open.’ He pushed past me, headin fer the scullery.

  Me ma came in carryin Sally. She raised her eyes te heaven, lookin at me. ‘Jaysus, he’s startin again,’ she said. I shut the door, an Dinah stood rooted, starin at the floor an keenin.

  ‘Come on, Dinah,’ I said, takin her hand, an she pulled away from me.

  Jackser came runnin inta the hall an punched me on the side of me head, sendin me flyin. ‘Get the young one in,’ he roared, stoopin over me wit his fist raised in the air.

  ‘Right, Jackser,’ I said, seein stars an tryin te watch his fist. ‘Get her in,’ he roared, draggin me by the back of me neck an liftin me te me feet. Dinah screamed, buryin her face in her arm. I lifted her under her arms an carried her inta the sittin room. Sally was cryin an frettin, too.

  ‘Jaysus, Sally. Will ye ever shut them kids up?’ he roared, goin inta the scullery.

  ‘Jaysus Christ!’ me ma moaned, lookin at me. ‘Wha did I come back te this for?’

  ‘Hey, Mrs!’ Jackser roared, comin in. ‘Get up te tha van an get a pint a milk an a loaf a bread.’ An he threw two shillins at me. ‘Hurry!’ he roared.

  I was out the door when he roared after me, ‘An another thing! First light in the mornin, I want you outa tha bed an inta them shops. An ye’d better bring back the money an get them messages. There’s fuck all money or food in this house. So ye better get back te work, you’ve a lot a catchin up te do. An I heard all about yer gallavantin.’ An he looked at me ma. She got annoyed an didn’t know where te look. Jackser laughed, an me ma made a face sayin, don’t be mindin him! An Jackser said, ‘It’s true, isn’t it?’ an pinched me ma’s arse an looked at me wit a glint in his eye. ‘She was ... ye know,’ he was lookin at me ma an mumblin. ‘Wasn’t she? Tha’s wha ye said,’ an he was shakin his head an pointin down at me ma’s arse. ‘Fuck me,’ he said, laughin an takin sideways looks at me an snufflin.

  I felt sick an looked at me ma. She was laughin, an liftin her head, an givin quick looks at me, an didn’t know wha te do wit herself. She told him! She knows wha happened te me in England wit them two men. But she thinks I’m a woman! Tha I would want tha te happen te me! An now Jackser thinks tha’s great. He’s lookin at me like I’m a grown woman an I would want wha they do te each other. I wanted te scream, ‘Ye fuckin bastardin whore! I’m a child. I’m only eleven years old. Ye’re not supposed te be treatin me like a woman, ye dirty filthy animals. Ye’re a whore, Ma, an I hope ye die roarin!’

  I took outa the house an ran as fast as I could up te the van. An when I had the bread an milk in me hands, I walked back slowly. Me heart was breakin. Me ma knows wha Jackser likes. He likes te get his hands on me. She must have known tha. An she went an told him wha happened te me. She must have thought I wanted te be wit them two men. So she tells Jackser te make him happy. So the fuckin whore is happy te be back wit him. She must have missed him, tha’s why she came back, not just fer the childre. An te think I fell fer her lies. No! She’s no good.

  Me anger slowly left me. I can’t depend on her. I’m on me own, an so is Charlie, an we’ve nowhere te go. If I complain, wha would I say? An they would deny it. An, anyway, no one would do anythin about it. The police made him take me home tha time I was sent te England on me own, even though they knew I didn’t belong te him an he didn’t want te take me back. But they forced him. So there’s nothin I can do about it other than kill meself. But I’m not goin te do tha. I want te be big. Then I can do what I like. But tha’s too far away. God, are ye there? Will ye look after me an me brother Charlie? Cos he’s got longer te go than me. But on the other hand, I can always take him wit me. Will ye make sure no harm comes te us, God? An ye know wha me ma an Jackser are like. I don’t want te ever be like them, God! So will ye look after us, God? An I’ll be very good. Thanks! I felt better. God is lookin after us, an he’ll make sure we’re OK.

  I started te run wit the bread an milk. An when I got in the door, Jackser came runnin an snatched the bread an milk offa me. ‘About fuckin time! Were ye milkin the cow?’

  ‘Eh! There was a big queue at the van,’ I said, talkin te his back.

  ‘Go an give yer mammy a hand,’ he shouted, makin the tea.

  I wandered inta the sittin room, not really wantin te be near me ma. ‘Look at this poor child’s head, Martha,’ she said, holdin Sally on her lap an sittin on the floorboards. ‘The child’s head is covered in sores.’ I looked at Sally, an she looked sickly, her eyes dead in her head an not lookin at anythin. Her head was covered in sores an a few aroun her forehead. ‘She picked tha up from tha place out in Cheeverstown! They’re full a diseases them places! As soon as I saw her I said I was takin her home. They were tryin te stop me, but I told them they had no rights. An tha aul fella said he was responsible fer signin them in, an now, says he, I’m takin them out. An don’t try te stop me.’ Then me ma laughed. ‘They were afraid of their life, cos they knew they were in the wrong. There’s nothin they can do when ye have yer own home. So fuck them!’

  Me ma was ramblin on, but I wasn’t listenin. I was lookin at Dinah sittin beside me ma an lookin away when she saw anyone lookin at her. Her eyes were dead, too, an her face was very white. I tried te lift her. ‘Come on, Dinah,’ I said, smilin at her, an she let her head fall back an keened, not really cryin, an actin like she didn’t know me. I put her back down on the floor beside me ma, an she just lay there. Not lookin at anythin, no life in her.

  38

  Jackser was pacin himself up an down the sittin room watchin fer the gate. ‘Now ye know wha te say te him! Don’t ya?’

  ‘Yeah, Jackser!’ I said, wishin te get it over wit.

  ‘Tell him nothin! Keep yer mouth shut. An keep yer eyes on me. I’ll let ye know when te answer somethin. If he asks any awkward questions, leave it te me. Just pretend te be stupid. But the main thing is te say nothin, ye can’t be hanged fer wha ye don’t say! Have ye got tha now?’

  ‘Yeah! Right, Jackser. I’m te say nothin.’

  ‘Right! Fuck this waitin, he should be here by now,’ he said, lookin outa the winda. ‘Wha’s tha smell?’ an he sniffed his way aroun the room. ‘Did ye make sure te clean up tha shit the babby did over there?’

  I looked over beside the corner near the fire. ‘Yeah, Jackser! It’s all cleaned up.’

  ‘Well, check aroun again,’ he roared, clenchin his fists. ‘I can still smell somethin. I told tha lazy aul hag te get this room cleaned up.’

  I rushed aroun lookin in corners. The floorboards was caked black wit dirt. ‘Yeah, it’s OK, Jackser,’ I said, keepin close te the door, well away from him over at the winda.

  Then he pointed at the ceilin. ‘Get up there an tell tha aul one te keep them fuckin kids quiet. I can hear them movin aroun.’

  I rushed out the door. An then I could hear the gate squeakin open. ‘He’s here, Jackser!’ I said, rushin bac
k in.

  ‘I know tha!’ he said, grabbin me an pushin me outa the way. He opened the door himself, an a man came in carryin a leather bag. He stopped just inside the door, takin in the room. An his mouth dropped open, an his eyes flew aroun the room, then lit on me. Then he looked at his shoes, not sure if he should come in or go back out. Jackser came up behind him, sayin, wit a big smile on his face an droppin his head te show respect, ‘Eh! Martha’s in here, Sir!’ an he rushed over te the table tha was bare now. Me ma had te clear all the dirty jam jars an milk bottles away fer the man’s visit. ‘Eh! Sit here, Sir!’ an pulled out the only chair tha wasn’t goin te collapse when ye sat on it.

  The man sat at the top of the table, an I sat on his right. An Jackser sat on his left, starin straight at me. ‘Now!’ the man said, openin his bag an takin out a big bunch a forms. ‘You know why I’ve come here? I have been sent by the court, because the judge wants a report on Martha. My name is Dr Carroll. And I want you, Martha, to answer my questions.’

  I looked at Jackser, an he shook his head an winked at me. I shook me head an said, ‘OK, Dr Carroll.’

  ‘Right, let’s begin,’ said the doctor, lookin at me an then pullin out a piece a paper. ‘Now! I want you to look at this picture and tell me why you think this man is running.’

  I looked at Jackser, an he winked, so it was OK to answer the question. Then I looked at the picture. It was a big field. An a man was runnin fer his life, an he looked so afraid he’d even let his hat blow off an didn’t wait te pick it up. I stared at the picture fer a few minutes, then I said, ‘Tha poor man is after gettin an awful shock. He was goin home, makin his way across tha field. It was probably a short cut. An he saw a man hangin from a tree. An he’s not the better of it. An he’s rushin te tell someone an get help.’ I then let out a big breath after workin tha one out. The man was starin at me wit his jaw hangin down. An I looked at Jackser te see if I’d done all right, an his eyes was rollin te heaven.