Just Pretending

by Myrna Mackenzie

  She did, and she wanted to do it in David’s arms. She wanted to make him forget that he had been forced to kill and she wanted them both to drive away the threat of death that had stared them straight in the face that day.

  Then she could face the rest.

  She and David weren’t over. They were both alive and well and they would survive. But their days as partners were coming to a close.

  She would regret that. But for tonight she would have as much of him as she ever could have.

  And it would have to be suffice. In two days’ time all she would have of David would be achingly sweet and distant memories.

  David lay in the dark with Gretchen draped over his chest. He kissed the top of her hair and she snuggled closer in sleep, soothing the rage that still lay banked deep within him.

  He’d work through it in time, but it would be a long, slow process to put this day behind him, and he would never, he knew, forget the sight of this lady, a gun pressed to her head, silently telling him that she was about to make a move.

  A long, deep river of emotion ran through him. He wondered if he would ever stop loving Gretchen or if he would ever stop wanting to love Gretchen.

  He would live without her, because she wanted things that way. He wouldn’t intrude on her space because he knew after today that he would do anything, give anything, to see her happy and safe and contented for all eternity.

  And contented for Gretchen meant living a single life.

  But she couldn’t keep him from caring, and neither could he. No matter what he’d done or thought to prevent it, he hadn’t been able to back away from what he felt about this slender, strong-willed woman.

  She was what made life special. He would have lived in hell forever if she’d died today.

  But she’d lived, and it was only right that she be allowed to live on her own terms, in her own way.

  He could watch from the sidelines, but he couldn’t let himself force his heart on her any more than he could have allowed Lyle Brooks to hurt her and survive.

  That was just the way things were.

  “So deal with it, buddy,” he whispered to himself.

  He would. Somehow. But he shook his head as he tried once more to settle down to sleep. How ironic that he’d finally found one woman who could make him want to settle down and make a home, and she happened to be a woman who had absolutely no interest in such things.

  Leave it to Gretchen to do things a little differently.

  But why not? She was a woman who went along with a ridiculous scheme to pretend she was engaged to him. She was a detective who took the time to listen to people even when she didn’t have the time or the ability to solve their problems, just because it made one person’s day a little easier to bear. She was a woman who faced the ultimate terror and still managed to keep her thoughts clear enough to stay alive until help could be arranged.

  She was, quite simply, he thought, the heart that beat within him.

  He shifted and snuggled her just a little closer to him and that small movement jostled her just enough to have her blinking those wide green eyes at him and propping herself up on his chest.

  A slow, sweet, sleepy smile lifted her lips. “I’m so glad you’re alive, David,” she whispered, her voice groggy with sleep. And then she laid her head back on his chest, touched her lips to his skin, making every cell in his body snap to attention as she drifted back into sleep.

  As he lay there, smiling into her hair, fighting the instant desire that she had awakened and was now no longer awake to assuage, David felt his heart lurch just slightly.

  Tomorrow he was leaving, but there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that Gretchen Neal was going to haunt his sleepless nights for the rest of his life.

  And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to fight it.

  He settled her closer, kissed her once more and realized that he had no urge to fight anything that had to do with Gretchen.

  If he loved her forever—and he would, even if it was to no avail—at least she would be with him in the only way he could have her. In his soul.

  Chapter Fifteen

  She’d been trying her best to keep her mind on work all morning, but Gretchen just couldn’t keep her gaze from straying to David again and again. This was his last day. He’d been given his orders and he had to get on a plane back to Atlanta tomorrow. The fact that he’d come in to work at all today amazed her. She knew that yesterday had been hard on both of them, but she suspected that it had been harder on David than herself.

  She’d been so busy trying to think her way out of the situation that she hadn’t had time to give in to the natural terror that any sane person would feel.

  But David—he’d had to watch her life being threatened while his hands were effectively tied. She had a hint of what that must be like, because in those moments when she’d feared David would barge in on her and Lyle and be gunned down, she’d barely beaten back the panic.

  And David had been the one who’d had to take a life. No matter that it hadn’t been the life of a good man, and no matter that he’d done it before. He’d confessed that much to her when she’d asked, trying to make sure that he was all right. She’d seen officers who’d been forced to kill before. There was always a bit of fallout. No one came out completely unscathed. And the few who did seem to have no reaction whatsoever were the ones who had to be watched most closely.

  David had not been unaffected. She’d seen the acceptance in his eyes and the regret that a life had had to be given for justice to prevail.

  But he was here, finishing up the paperwork with her, and mostly—she knew the man too well—offering her his presence. He wanted to make sure that she was past her own reactions to yesterday’s bad experience.

  Without thought, without the time to prepare herself, her heart overflowed. She had to fight a teary feeling deep inside, and that made her so angry that she slammed the folder she was holding down onto the desk.

  David looked up from the scratching of his pen on paper.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  No, she was not okay. She hadn’t been okay since the day she’d met David Hannon.

  “I’m perfectly fine,” she lied with a smile. Except this man had flipped her world like a top spinning off its string. He had her thinking about her mother and herself and all those years when she’d sworn she’d never follow in her parents’ footsteps. He had her wondering if her mother really had regretted all those moves, or if the regrets had only been her own imaginings, her own grumblings. She knew for a fact that her father had regretted having to uproot his family, that her mother had always smiled and reassured him as best she could.

  “I wish I could stay and help you work out things on Raven’s case,” he said, reaching for her hand.

  Without thought, she pulled away. Her emotions were much too close to the surface. She had a feeling that tears weren’t far behind, and she never cried. She made a point of not crying. It was bad for business, especially if you were a female detective. It was unacceptable and left you open to criticism, made people think you couldn’t take whatever was dished out. Worst of all, it left you vulnerable. If she let David see she was upset, he would know what she didn’t want him to ever know.

  She loved him. Completely. Devastatingly. And it just wouldn’t do.

  Somehow she dredged up a smile. Phony, but it would have to do.

  “We’ll get through on the case. And I’ll be protected,” she assured him. “Haven’t you noticed all the eyes that have been following my every move today?”

  He smiled slightly. “Everyone feels guilty that you were abducted yesterday while the world and the White-horn force went on.”

  She shrugged. “How could they know?”

  He frowned. “Exactly.”

  She leveled a stare at him. “It won’t happen again. Rafe’s set shadows on me. And, anyway, the danger is past.”

  “Yes,” he said solemnly. But she still heard the doubt in his voice. Both
of them knew that in their line of work the danger was never past.

  She felt the catch in her throat. David was going away. He would no doubt put his life on the line over and over and she would never know. She knew now why her mother had calmly packed up her household time and time again. It had been important to her to be with the man she loved beyond life, to see him every day, to know that he was alive and with her, day and night. Her father had, she realized, been her mother’s world. Their life had been complicated by her father’s work and responsibilities and their constant moves from one place to another, but they’d loved, and they’d raised a houseful of children whom they’d taught how to love.

  She didn’t regret her childhood, just as David didn’t regret what he’d gone through as a child. Her struggles had made her stronger. They’d made her who she was, just as his challenges had made him what he was.

  The man she loved. The man who was leaving just when she’d realized she wanted him to stay with her forever. The man she couldn’t reach out and latch onto because she knew he had a path of his own to follow. And because he hadn’t asked her to share his life. He wouldn’t. David Hannon loved women, but he didn’t stay with just one.

  “Atlanta must be pretty at this time of year,” she couldn’t help saying, although she wished she could shove the words back into her mouth.

  He gave her a deep, lazy smile. He rose and dropped a kiss on her lips. “I’ll show you sometime,” he whispered.

  But he wouldn’t, she knew. Because she didn’t think she could bear to visit him and go through a goodbye all over again.

  “Hey, Hannon,” a voice called at that moment, and Gretchen turned to look toward the door. “Your aunt’s here to see you.”

  “Come on,” David said, giving her hand a tug. “Come with me. Aunt Celeste came in, I’m sure, to see you alive and in person. Ten to one she brought you comfort food. She needs to know you’re all right. And who can blame her?”

  “I’m going to get spoiled by all this attention,” Gretchen said softly and with a laugh. “Detectives are supposed to face danger, David. They’re not supposed to be fussed over.”

  He stopped mid stride and looked over his shoulder. “Baloney, Gretchen. You don’t have anything to prove. People love you. Let them fuss. And let yourself enjoy.”

  She placed her hand on his sleeve. “I do,” she assured him. “I will.”

  The words that were so close to the kinds of vows lovers made as they joined their hands in marriage fell from her lips too easily. She removed her fingers from his arm, wishing she could hold his warmth next to her forever. And she turned to Celeste who wrapped her in a warm hug.

  “You should be in bed, sweetie,” the older woman ordered. “But David told me I might as well suggest you hang from the ceiling naked, so I brought you brownies instead. Caramel and fudge.”

  Gretchen grinned at Celeste and hugged her again. “If I were in bed, I’d miss all your good cooking, Celeste. Pretty clever of me to come in and claim all this attention, wasn’t it?” she asked with a grin as she bit into a heavenly brownie oozing with melted fudge.

  Celeste laughed out loud. She turned to her nephew and opened her mouth to make a comment.

  Her mouth opened wider. Her eyes widened like a gaping door. She brought both hands up to cover her mouth.

  “Oh, no,” she whispered through the tunnel of her fingers.

  Gretchen spun around to see what had distressed Celeste so. Her gaze swept across Storm Hunter who was on the other side of the room deep in conversation with Rafe. Storm’s eyes were dark and tired and leveled on David, Celeste and herself. He looked slightly stooped and bleary, as if weariness had left him sleep less of late. But as Gretchen made eye contact with the man, she saw his attention sharpen, she saw him blink. She felt a swoosh of movement at her side.

  And she turned to see David catching his aunt in his arms as Celeste slumped toward the floor.

  The day had slipped away, David thought as he walked Gretchen to her car that evening. Celeste had been taken home, apologizing to everyone for behaving so foolishly in fainting, in not realizing how closely Storm resembled his brother, Raven. She apologized for thinking even for a second that she’d seen a ghost.

  The excitement was over.

  And the torture was about to begin.

  His bags were packed. He had to say goodbye to Gretchen. How was he ever going to do it and survive? He wanted to kiss her, needed to kiss her, but if he did that now, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to let go.

  She solved the problem by holding out her hand.

  “Well,” she said, her voice the barest trace of shaky sound, “I guess this is where we say goodbye. I wanted—”

  She took a deep breath. She bit down on her lip.

  He swayed toward her.

  “I wanted to thank you,” she said, forestalling his movement. “For being such a good partner. A detective couldn’t ask for better backup. A woman couldn’t ask for a better fiancé.”

  Her voice shook on those last words. Her fingers were ice-cold when he took them in his own.

  And David knew in that moment that he had to warm her. He had to take the risk, he had to do what he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do for her sake.

  He lifted her hand to his lips, turned it over and kissed the palm deeply, savoring the way her skin warmed beneath his.

  “I wanted to make it that easy for you, sweet heart, but I’m afraid it isn’t going to be that simple.”

  She looked up at him. She opened her eyes wide, shaking her head in a mute question. But she didn’t retrieve her hand, he noted. She didn’t step back from him.

  “I don’t understand,” she finally said.

  “You want me to just walk away, but when have I ever just walked away when you wanted me to, Gretchen?”

  And her fingers curled closed slightly. She raised her hand as if to touch his cheek, then held her hand there in midair as if uncertain what to do.

  “You’ve never been a very conformable man, David,” she agreed in a husky whisper. “You were pushy right from the start.”

  “So you think you’ll get rid of me just by saying goodbye?”

  “I don’t know. Won’t I?”

  He shook his head. She wrapped her palm around his jaw. “I won’t?”

  “Do you want to? Get rid of me, I mean?”

  And then a terrible thing happened. A mist of tears filled her beautiful green eyes.

  And he couldn’t help himself. He tugged her close and kissed her eyelids shut as a tear trickled down. She opened her eyes again.

  “I’m sorry,” she said with another gentle shake of her head. “I know this is a game we’re playing, and I—I seem to have forgotten the rules.”

  “No rules. No game.” His voice was a harsh, choked whisper. He thumbed away the dampness from her cheeks.

  “It never was a game with us, really. Was it?” she asked.

  He shook his head slowly, leaned forward and brushed her forehead with his lips. “I wanted it to be. I suspect we both wanted it to be, but no, it never was a game. What went on between us was as real as it gets, angel.”

  She pulled back, touched her fingertips to his lips, staring earnestly into his eyes. “I don’t want to distress you, David. I promised I wouldn’t be this way, but I don’t want it to end. I don’t want you to go.”

  “Try and make me leave you. I couldn’t,” he whispered against her fingertips, biting softly on the flesh.

  The softest of smiles brightened her eyes. Her lips curved upward, giving him the response he needed and was desperate to have.

  “I can give Rafe my notice,” she offered.

  “Too late. When I was in the Billings office, I saw that there was a position opening. It can be mine. I’ve grown to realize how much I love this place where I grew up. I thought about it on the ride back to White horn yesterday. I half considered applying for it, but—”

  “You’ve changed your mind?” Confusion colored her e
xpression.

  “I’ve made up my mind,” he confessed. “Gretchen, you’ve taught me a few things since I’ve been here. You’ve made me see that I’ve always pushed away the things I really wanted because I grew up knowing I couldn’t have so many of my heart’s desires. Denying those things has become a bad habit, a protective armor…

  “You’ve changed things, though. I don’t want to deny those wants and needs anymore, and what I really want is you. Day and night, in every way that counts. I know the thought of teaming up with any man permanently isn’t your idea of heaven, but I’ll do my best to make it work for you. I can’t promise not to invade your space from time to time, but I’ll try hard not to. I’m sure you’ll remind me when you need time alone, and I’ll do my best to protect you from people who ask too much from you. But I just can’t imagine my world without you anymore, love. Do you think you could ever love me in the same way?”

  Gretchen felt her heart filling up, her throat closing.

  “Who gets to lead and who follows?” she asked with a teary smile.

  He smiled back and she knew that look in his eyes was the love she wanted to see.

  “We’ll take turns,” he promised.

  She rose up on her toes and kissed him. Once. Twice. Too many times to count.

  “I wonder if that will work,” she whispered.

  He slanted his lips over hers in one quick, hard, answering kiss. “You know that it will, lady. It’s what we’ve been doing all along. Besides, you have to marry me now.”

  She grinned and looked down at her stomach. “I have to marry you? I’m not pregnant.”

  He chuckled and the sound thrilled her completely. “I hope you will be very soon. Besides, you have to marry me for one other reason, Gretchen. We’ve already planned our wedding.”

  She smiled up at him and watched his dark emerald eyes grow warm in that way that she knew she would always love. “I guess we have planned our wedding, but even if we hadn’t, it wouldn’t matter, David, my heart. I love you beyond belief. I’ll marry you whenever you say.”