What's Left of Me (Finally Unbroken Book 2)

by Maria Macdonald

  I move my gaze back to Mandie. “Sure, baby doll, you wanna get him out for me?” I ask.

  “Nah-uh, Mama says it has to be a groaned up.” Her little girl hands are on her hips, and with the sass she has, even at four, she reminds me of Anabel, who promptly chuckles at her daughter.

  “Okay.” I sigh and reach in to get the fuzzy mass. I pull him up and into my hand, holding him gently while he continues to tremble away. Mandie reaches over slowly and softly strokes his fur the correct way, telling me that’s how she’s been shown, and that I should do the same. After a few minutes I start to loosen up, Mandie is obviously a pro at looking after the little rodent nestled in my palm. He seems to have stopped shivering, which I’m taking as a good sign. Then without warning Clara picks up a xylophone throwing it from her chubby little fingers straight across the room. Now that child is one hundred percent her daddy. The noise startles Lucky, who simultaneously craps in my hand while biting my finger.

  “Ahh, shit!” I shout, tipping my hand up the other way, but instead of the little beast dropping to the floor, he hangs from my hand, his teeth piercing my finger as he holds on for dear life.

  “Mind your mouth!” Anabel shouts.

  “Fuck that shit! This little fucker won’t let go! Fuck!” I yell, waving my hand around, trying to dislodge the damn animal. Nothing seems to be working. Anabel gives me a dirty look as she steps over to where I’ve ended up, taking over, trying to pry the little bastard from my hand. Things don’t get any easier when Mandie says ‘Fuck that shit,’ followed by Clara getting up, her podgy little legs pushing her forward as she tries to run to the now broken xylophone, saying ‘Fuck’ repeatedly, over and over and over again, the whole way across the room.

  Once Anabel has removed the cling-on, she slaps me upside the head. “Go get your hand cleaned up dickwad, this isn’t over,” she hisses quietly to me.

  Four hours later and Anabel has forgiven me… just. Danny just raises his eyebrows as she retells the story to him. We’re sitting once again in their back yard, I’m freezing my balls off but also following the lead of my friends.

  “So what did you come here for today?” Anabel asks. It’s a fair question. I’ve been here for half the day and haven’t said why. Let’s face it, the house has been too chaotic.

  I sit back and take a swig of my water. “I went back to see Laurie.”

  “What! Why? What’s going on?” Danny interrupts.

  “Danny shhh! I filled you in yesterday remember?” Anabel grumbles waving her hand at him to shut up while still looking at me.

  I chuckle to myself as Danny gives me the finger. “I saw that,” Anabel snaps and Danny’s lips twitch. “Go on,” she urges me.

  “Nothing really.” I shrug.

  “Nothing?” Her face moves into a frown and she leans forward slightly. “Elaborate, Ruben,” she demands and I smirk for a second before I think about Laurie’s reaction to what I’d said yesterday and my smile drops.

  “I told her, I think that she has demons. One’s she hasn’t faced yet.”

  “Oh, I bet she just loved you,” Anabel says shaking her head laughing.

  “What? What did I do?” I ask.

  “Oh, Ruben. You haven’t seen her for eighteen months and you didn’t exactly end things well. Now you waltz back into her life, actually no, into one of her sessions. You’ve probably thrown her completely by being there, and then you run out, only to go back and tell her you think she has issues.” Anabel stares at me.

  “Shit,” I groan, allowing my head to flop backward, realizing what an absolute dick I’ve been.

  “Ruben there’s something else I want to say.” I look back to her. “Listen, you can always come to Danny or me, we’ll always be here for you. Especially if you want to talk about Amanda. But as far as I can see you’re there now.”

  “There?” I question.

  “Yeah. There. You’re ready to move on. Find someone else. You’re pretty much healed, and anything else past this point can’t come from us. It can only come from you, and from whoever you give your heart to. Trust in them and trust in you.”

  I sigh, but nod. I know she’s right. I think about Amanda and she’ll always have a place in my heart, a part of me will always love her, but I’m ready to move on now. I never thought I would be, but here I am. Now, I just need to allow myself that freedom.

  The next morning I find myself standing outside of the community center. I’m hopping from foot to foot awkwardly, partly because it’s freaking cold and partly because I’m unsure what to do next. The lack of self-confidence is something I’m not used to, always having bravado, especially with women—that was before Amanda. After I had lost her, alcohol was my crutch. For the four years that I relied on it, I didn’t need confidence, because I didn’t care about anything or anyone, even myself. The final part of my journey, before coming back here, has been to get clean and to try and work all my issues out. The confidence I once had hasn’t been needed for so long, I’m worried I don’t know how to really interact with unfamiliar people nowadays.

  I haven’t done anything substantial in my company for so long. Danny hired a guy—David—

  and he’s been running things. I get weekly updates, as did Danny until recently, now I’m trying to take a more active role again. I’ve also not been with a woman since Amanda. I’ve not even thought about it, until now. Too stuck in the past, or wallowing in my own self-pity.

  Kicking a stone, I glance around. Come on Ruben, suck it up.

  “Hey. You’re Ruben, right?” I hear from the side of me. So consumed with my own thoughts, I didn’t see the little pixie-like woman, the same woman that got Laurie for me when I came here yesterday.

  “Oh, yeah, hey,” I say with a half-smile.

  “You don’t have to look so nervous, sugar. I don’t bite… mostly,” she tells me with a smirk.

  She’s joking… I think.

  “I’m Sarah, come on, I’ll show you around,” she says, tucking her small arm through mine, a rattling coming from all the jewelry she has running up her wrist.

  I take in the center as Sarah drifts from room to room with me alongside her. The passion she has for the place is evident in everything she does.

  “This is where the elderly folk are,” she tells me, as we step into the only room she hasn’t yet introduced me to. Immediately, I notice that no one moves as we enter. Not a single one of the ten seniors looks up in acknowledgment, or even curiosity, wondering who’s just entered the room.

  “What’s wrong with them?” my whisper brings Sarah’s gaze to mine.

  “Come,” she suggests, stepping back through the door. “Let’s go to the coffee room.” I nod and follow.

  Pointing me to a chair when we walk into the bare room, she moves to the coffee pot. “You have to understand…” Sarah begins her back to me while making our coffees. As I listen to her, I look around, taking in the depressing room. A room that’s supposed to be an escape from daily work. “The old folks come here to get away from Meadow Senior Living, but they don’t really have anything different here than there.” She turns and brings our coffees to us, taking the seat next to me.

  “Why?” I ask simply.

  Sarah shrugs her shoulders. “Funding mainly. But it’s more than that. We don’t have enough people to volunteer. Me, Laurie, and Derick are the only ones who get paid. We’ve had people come and go over the years, doing stints of volunteering, but nobody ever sticks around for long. Makes things harder… you know?”

  I don’t really know, so I say nothing in response.

  “Is Laurie here?” my words are almost whispered.

  “Damn, sugar, you got it bad,” Sarah comments smacking me across the knee. “She’ll be here soon, probably doing something with Amber.”

  “Amber?” I ask.

  “Nuh-uh, her life, her stories, if she wants to share, that’s on her.”

  I nod and grin. Many a woman I’ve known would gladly spill her friend’s shit. Go
od to know that some women can keep that stuff tight, and more, Laurie has that in Sarah.

  “Right sugar, as much fun as it is spending time with you, I have work to do. A counselor always has work to do,” she tells me with a wink. “I’ll take you down to the seniors, introduce you, then just be yourself. Chat or watch television with them, whatever you feel comfortable with. When Laurie comes in, I’ll point her in your direction and she can have a chat with you about your plans here.” I nod again and follow her down the dingy hall, wondering how different it would be if this place were somewhere that brightened the spirits of people who desperately needed it. All the while knowing, it’s not just the visitors that need their days brightening and it’s not just the visitors days that I want to brighten.

  Chapter Nine

  “I’m so tired this morning, why are you dragging me here again?” Amber moans as she sits next to me on the bus. When I smile in response, she rolls her eyes and puts her earphones in, I can just hear the tinny noise pumping out, probably scarring her eardrums. Amber turns into a typical teen if you wake her before eight am. Today, I want her help at the community center. She never complains, the place was home for her until she moved in with me, plus helping out there added to her gaining the scholarship.

  I made the mistake of telling her about Ruben’s visit. Her initial feelings were of anger. They were spat out through her mouthful of chili… it was absolutely delightful. When I explained that he had offered to help out with the seniors, her feelings toward him softened some. Then she threw me completely, when, after telling her how Ruben said he thought I still had issues to work through, Amber told me flat out the she agreed with him. Before she went to bed last night, while I was making lunch for today, I told her that I needed her help at the center. She shook her head smirking, then walked over and sat down next to me, patted my hand like I was a scared child and said, ‘I’ll protect you’ then she winked, giggled to herself, and walked off to bed. My mouth hung open, and I stammered trying to say something, anything. Nothing came out. This morning, her reaction wasn’t quite as helpful as she pulled the covers over her head, and told me to deal with Ruben on my own. That I was a big girl and she needed to sleep. I managed to drag her up, but she’s been grumpy ever since.

  “Morning, your man’s here,” Sarah tells me the minute I walk into the center. She has an unmistakable twinkle in her eye.

  Amber huffs out and follows through with yet another eye roll. “I’m going to dump my stuff and then head to the games room,” she grumbles.

  “Morning Sarah, good to see you,” Sarah says to Amber with heavy sarcasm.

  I watch as Amber’s shoulders drop and she turns around, a sheepish look on her face. “Sorry Sarah, morning,” she replies with a small, embarrassed grin that makes one of her dimples pop out. The she rushes off, and I look back at Sarah, who bursts into laughter.

  “You’re gonna miss that one when she goes.” The smile on her face vanishes as she takes in my reaction to her words. “Sorry baby. I forget that when she goes, it’s not gonna be easy on you.”

  I bite my bottom lip and hold my hand up to her, indicating I need a second to compose myself. “It doesn’t matter…” I croak out, “…she’s going to be amazing, and this will be the start of the life she’s always deserved. I’m over the moon for her.” My words linger like wasps in the air, and I’m waiting for the sting to come.

  “I know what you’re saying is true, but I also know you, honey. I can see in your eyes the struggle that you’re constantly fighting when it comes to Amber leaving. You’ve built your life around her for the last two years, I’m not sure you’re ready for her to go. Telling yourself that you are, and actually feeling that way, are two different things.” Sarah’s words are kind, they’re meant to be a comfort blanket, soothing away my ailments, but all they do is serve to bring everything I’m trying to avoid thinking about up to the surface.

  “Where’s Ruben?” My change in both topic and tone causes a reaction in Sarah. It’s only a small head movement, and probably unnoticeable to most, but I catch it. Sarah is the master of disguise. Being a counselor she needs to hide her emotions, and when the topic is serious, she’s been known to mask reactions extremely well. The fact that I just caused a recoil from her, however small, tells me what I already don’t want to know. My avoidance issues have hit an all-time high, even I know that the end is near. I need to face what’s coming and get ready to sort all the crap out in my head. Because if I don’t, the demons I live with aren’t going to just surface, they’re going to take over, and I’m not sure there’ll be anything of me left behind when they do.

  “He’s in the rec room with the seniors.”

  I blink twice and look at Sarah, trying to remember what question I’d asked her. When my thoughts catch up, I nod. As I walk away, she grabs my arm and I turn back to her.

  A look of unmistakable concern covers her face and she offers me a small smile. “I’m here. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.” I pull in my eyebrows, but nod once again before turning, needing to find Ruben.

  “So what happened then?” Ruben’s excited voice carries down the corridor, hitting me in the chest, making my body sway. As I approach the door, I slow and come to a stop. Leaning against the doorframe, without even really understanding what I’m doing, I watch Ruben and Mr. Pallor.

  “Well, we ran,” Mr. Pallor replies with a chuckle. The usually quiet, elderly, somewhat frail man, is now animated. His eyes sparkle and his arms have taken on a life of their own. The thin, almost see through skin, covering the back of his hands, the blood spots dotted across his wrists and the sunken, nearly skeletal look of his face have all been forgotten. Disappeared amongst the stories of yesteryear. I feel my heart warm, but decide to leave them be. The seniors need someone new to listen to them.

  As I walk away, I think about how Mr. Pallor is different to the others. Dementia has taken a hold of him, stripping his memories, his independence, and sometimes his dignity. It’s a truly vile disease, and I can’t imagine how he feels when the moments of clarity break through. It’s the people connected to him, who have to watch the suffering that I sometimes feel sorrier for. Having to live through your loved one being ripped from your life… from their own life, must be heart-breaking.

  The times he’s been clear minded, he’s managed to talk to me. He’s told me his truths, explained how trapped he is inside his own shell, his prison. That he’s a stranger to himself and feeling scared is an almost constant for him. The majority of his time these days is spent not recognizing anyone, anything, or anywhere. He said, sometimes he wishes, those moments he sinks back into the real world, would stop happening. That they can be more painful than anything. It’s in those moments, his brain clicks onto the fact that everything else was a lie. He said what’s worse, is that he knows he’s heading right back underwater, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

  “Hey Laurie, can you help me with something?” Marco, one of the boys who frequents the center asks, pulling me from my sad thoughts as I climb the stairs.

  “Yeah, sure. What do you need?” I ask looking up at the top of the stairs, into his worried brown eyes, as I take my last few steps.

  “You know I’ve been trying to do my GED? Well, I’m struggling and I can’t fuck this up, Laurie,” he says passing his work to me, which I start looking at.

  “Language,” I chastise with a sideways glance.

  “Sorry, ma’am,” Marco answers.

  Shit, how old am I? When did I become a ma’am?

  “Okay, listen. I could help you, but honestly, between work here and the fact that I’m just not that good, I’m probably not your best bet.” I chuckle. “It’s been many years since I’ve been to school. And let me tell you, I scraped by the first time, only with the help of my sister.” My mirth dies down as I think about Larissa. A pang rumbles in my stomach—it’s the realization that I don’t remember her every day anymore. I shake my head, hoping to push out the thoughts. �
�Listen, Amber is somewhere here. Go look for her. You know she’ll help,” I tell him and watch as his eyes sparkle. All the boys that come here have a thing for Amber. At once he nods, mumbles his thanks and spins around walking off to find her.

  “Ah-hmm,” I semi cough out, trying to mask my laughter.

  Looking over his shoulder, Marco’s tanned cheeks redden slightly as he shuffles back, relieving me of his paperwork, before rushing away again.

  Two hours later, and the mountain of paperwork I found in the small admin office is now more of a hill. Sighing and rubbing my temples, my immediate thoughts are of coffee. After filling my cup, I remember Ruben. I’m not sure if he’s still here, but I decide to go find out. Putting my cup down and automatically walking back to where he was earlier, I see he’s moved positions, now sitting on the old man’s other side. The other five seniors are all sitting facing Mr. Pallor too. Although, I think they’re more interested in Ruben.

  “Then they appeared from the back of the holding cells and we didn’t know what to do,” the old man tells Ruben, who could easily be his grandson.

  “So what happened then?” Ruben asks eagerly.

  “Well, we ran,” Mr. Pallor replies with a chuckle. That moment it dawns on me that Ruben is listening to the same story again. Maybe for the hundredth time, still holding the same interest and excitement on his face that he did when I saw it being relayed to him earlier. I step back from the door, my heartbeat causing a whooshing in my ears. The compassion that he so obviously feels winds me, and I need a moment. Sliding down the wall and bringing my knees up to my chest, I’m glad the hallway is empty. I take deep breaths trying desperately not to think about Ruben, but he’s taken over my mind.