What's Left of Me (Finally Unbroken Book 2)

by Maria Macdonald

  “I let you down. I’m not sure I deserve the future Sarah thinks I do. As much as I’d love it. Why should I get that future, when you haven’t got yours? It’s my fault, baby boy. I killed you.” Putting the photo back, I lay my head on the desk. “God, I miss you,” I whisper to him.

  Ten minutes later I’m still slouched there, wondering how in the hell I’m ever going to beat back the demons, when I belong in hell right along with them.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “The weather was rainy today.”

  “Yeah, it was Mom.”

  “It was rainy, I got wet.” My mom scratches at her head then picks imaginary lint from her lap.

  “You’re dry now,” I tell her tenderly.

  “It was raining. I got wet,” she repeats, not looking at me.

  Sighing, I flex my hands. I hate this disease. She would hate this disease if she knew. Sometimes, I’m thankful she really doesn’t know.

  “Who are you? Where’s my momma? Momma! Momma!” she screeches.

  “It’s okay, I’m going. Look, I’m leaving. I’ll get your momma, okay? Shall I put something on the television to watch?”

  “Momma!” she shouts again, but then goes quiet as she watches me move toward the door as I turn the television on for her.

  “I’m gonna go,” I tell my Aunt Karen.

  “Okay, my sweet boy. Don’t worry, your mom will be fine, just like usual,” she tells me and I nod. I know she’s right, my mom doesn’t know any better. It’s just so hard to watch a woman that was so strong, a woman who raised her only son by herself when my pa died, not have any control over her life anymore. At one point my mom had three jobs, and yet still found time to take me to sports and help me with homework. Now she’s so frail, she has no clue who any of us are, or even who she is most of the time. It’s like she’s losing herself from the inside out. I’ll never let her down, though. I come visit every other weekend. Sometimes for the whole weekend, sometimes just for a day. I know it’s time to leave when she starts asking who I am and getting agitated. It doesn’t happen every time, but it’s happening more often than not lately.

  “Love you, Aunt Karen,” I say, pulling her in for a hug. Apart from my mom, she’s the only family I still have. She never had kids and my mom and her were the only children. I don’t know my pa’s family, so here I am, the last in the line.

  “I have to say this to you, Ruben. So shut up and listen, okay?”

  She surprises me, but I nod and remain quiet.

  “I’m proud of you. You’ve pulled yourself up, exorcised your demons, gotten on with your life, you haven’t been weak.”

  I want to argue, to say that I was weak, for years I let myself be controlled by drink and grief, but I know there’s no point. She wants to say this, so I’m going to let her.

  “I was so scared when you started spiraling. I thought we were going to lose you. I thought it would just be Rosina and me.” She nods toward my mom. “I love you.” She reaches up and cups my cheek, in the way only an auntie can. Automatically I lean down to her small five-foot frame and allow her to kiss my cheek.

  “I know.” I straighten up and grab my bag, heading out the door to my truck. It’s an hour’s drive to my apartment, and for some reason, I just don’t want to go there. Once I’m on the freeway, I call up the voice control on my cell, check it’s connected to the speaker system and make the call I need to hear the one voice that soothes my soul.

  “Ruben?” I close my eyes, but just for a split second, so as not to cause an accident.

  “Laurie,” I breathe out her name and even I can hear the relief in my voice.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, worry evident in her tone.

  “Yeah, sorry. I’ve just had a hard time at my mom’s this weekend. I really don’t want to go home. How would you feel about me coming over to yours for a bit?” I ask the question. She can say no. Over the last three or so weeks, we’ve spent a lot of time together, I’ve picked her up from her apartment, but I’ve never been inside. She’s kept me away and I haven’t pushed, not until now. There’s only so long that I’m going to tiptoe around the situation. I want Laurie to release herself from whatever shit she keeps wrapped up inside. I also want her to be mine.

  Slowly I’m slipping into a friendship with her, which is fine, but I’m not going to be friend zoned. So I need to stop this shit before it gets too far. This woman has me seeing my future in a different color than I ever have before. Twelve months ago and that thought would have made me ashamed of myself. Now I realize it’s okay to move on. I know Amanda told me to, but doing it is a different thing altogether. There’s one thing that still makes me feel a little sour, it’s that I could see myself loving Laurie more than I ever did Amanda.

  “Sure, c-come over,” Laurie stutters and I feel like a douche for forcing the issue.

  “Listen, Laurie, it’s okay, I’m sorry for pushing. If you want, I could pick you up and we could go to the diner,” I offer half-heartedly, hoping she can hear something in my voice that tells her I want to be in her space.

  “No,” she snaps and I open my mouth not sure what to say when she continues, “Sorry, I mean, no, come over, it’s fine. Just… just remember it’s not like your place, okay?” I can hear the worry in her voice, and I hate that she feels that way.

  “You know me better than that, babe. I’ll be there in forty,” I tell her.

  “Okay. Bye Ruben,” she whispers and it hits me in my chest and dick. She disconnects and I let my head roll back while still keeping my eyes on the road.

  “Shit. I’m fucked.”

  Forty-five minutes later and I’m parked and jogging up the steps to her apartment, noting that the security door was unlocked. Before I get a chance to knock her apartment door is flung open and Laurie stands in the entrance. My eyes take her in. Her chocolate hair falls in soft natural waves over her shoulders. She has what looks like yoga pants on, and a plain blue V-necked top. She has no make-up on, and I love that she’s comfortable in her own skin. It’s her eyes and lips that always take my breath away, though. Her eyes are such a bright green, it’s like looking into a crystal clear ocean, and her lips are full and so fucking kissable.

  “Ruben.” Her soft voice is too much this time, and with my arm still on her door surround, I lean my body down and place my lips on hers. At first, she’s frozen, but within a second, I feel her melt into me, and that’s when I bring my arm down and wrap it around her back. I kiss her softly at first, but when I feel her hands move up my chest, fisting in my top as she nips my lip I lose some of my control. Bringing my hand up, I thread my fingers into her hair and gently tug her head back, allowing me more access. I pull away slightly and kiss the corner of her mouth. She opens her lips and her eyes are wide, I lean back in and capture her once again letting my tongue enter. It’s been years since I’ve kissed a woman, but I’m not sure anyone has ever had this effect on me. I bring both my hands down to her butt, and while still kissing her, I lift her whole body up. She gasps as I push her against the wall, but I don’t give her a chance to say anything, as I claim her mouth again. She brings her legs up and wraps them around my waist and I groan down her throat.

  Laurie pulls away from me slightly, looking into my eyes. I take in her thoroughly kissed lips, swollen and red, and I feel myself aching to do more than just kiss this woman. Slowly, hesitantly, she lifts her fingers and presses them against my lips. Her eyes are glued to what she’s doing, then suddenly her eyes snap back to mine.

  “Ruben,” she whispers my name once again, and I wonder if this is the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life. All she’ll ever have to do is whisper my name for me to lose all control with her.

  “Fuck. I think you might be made for me,” I murmur and watch as her mouth hangs open. I take that as my cue and kiss her again, knowing I’m not going to get enough of this woman. I’m not sure I’ll ever have enough.

  Chapter Fifteen

  My senses filter in as Ruben cont
inues claiming my mouth. His kisses are something else, it’s like this is going to be the last time he’s ever going to experience a woman’s lips. Or maybe I’ve just never been kissed like this before, like I’m his air like his survival depends solely on me.

  “Ah-hum,” I hear Amber cough from the doorway. I close my eyes as I feel Ruben look around me.

  “Hey. You must be Amber.” His voice is strong and doesn’t waver, even though he still has me hoisted up against the wall. I tap his shoulder and bring his attention back to me. It’s only then that he releases me and I slide down the wall until my unsteady feet hit the floor.

  “Yeah, I’m Amber.” She smirks then walks into the kitchen.

  “Give me a minute?” I ask Ruben, he nods while tucking my hair behind my ear. It’s such an intimate gesture, something he’s only done once before, that I’m stuck for a second.

  “Go. I’ll wait in the living room,” he says walking to the opposite door that Amber just disappeared through.

  When I enter the kitchen, I’m not sure what to expect. Amber has always been anti-Ruben, and although she was just smirking, I’m worried. However, I find she’s dancing against the kitchen counter, while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, seemingly like she hasn’t got a care in the world, bopping her head while her earphones ruin her hearing. I walk up behind her and pull the right one out of her ear.

  She spins around. “Hey, what you doing?” Her eyebrows are pinched, and I’m left slightly stunned.

  “I thought you’d want to talk, you know, about out there,” I say pointing to the front door.

  “Oh, not really.” She squirms and I cross my arms.

  “Look, a month ago you were telling me to stay away from him, you were completely against everything Ruben. You cannot possibly tell me you’ve done a one-eighty? I mean, I know teens are shallow and wishy-washy with their opinions, but that’s never been you,” I tell her something she knows.

  “I’ve been watching you.” Her answer isn’t what I’m expecting and so I have no reply. “He’s been coming to the center. You know… there have been times where I’ve been there too. At first, I couldn’t believe for even a second that he was somehow now interested in you. I figured he needed to have a cheerleader, someone in his corner telling him what a clever boy he was. Then I spoke to Sarah. She explained how he’d been with you, how you light up when he’s around.” She shrugs her shoulders. “I paid attention. To the both of you. You’ve been different lately, Laurie… a good different. You’re happier in general. He does something to you, and by what I just saw out there, you do the same thing to him.” She turns to continue making her sandwich. “Anyway, I’ve changed my mind about him… woman’s prerogative,” she says throwing a grin over her shoulder. Then she spins around again with the knife in her hand. Waving it about, she finishes with, “If he hurts you again, though, I will not be responsible for what appendage I’ll cut off. Remember, I’m off to study medicine.”

  “Okay, Rambo,” I say shaking my head with a grin. I lean over and kiss her forehead. “Love you, girlie,” I tell her.

  “You too, Laurie,” she replies before turning back to her food and popping the earphone back in. “I’m going to Judd’s house,” she throws out before walking away.

  I eye her up and down as she walks out of the apartment, then sigh. Judd is a guy who she’s been friends with for a couple of years, but I’m pretty sure she has a big ole crush on him and I worry. But she’s eighteen and going off to college soon… with Judd. I need to let her fly free.

  When I walk into the living room, I’m struck by how comfortable Ruben looks. Spread out on the sofa, even though it’s miles too small for his large frame, he still looks like that’s right where he belongs.

  “Hey you,” I say softly, unsure of what I’m supposed to do. A million things are rattling through my brain, and I can’t pin down any one thought.

  “Hey, come here.” He pats the space next to him and I sink down. Lying his arm across the back of the sofa, he turns to look at me.

  “What?” I say shyly, turning my head and catching his eyes.

  “Don’t be coy, Laurie,” he says, smirking.

  “Douche,” I reply with a smile.

  “You have to know I’ve wanted to kiss you for weeks now.” His words make all the air rush out of my lungs. “Don’t look so shocked. I know how I’ve seemed in the past and I already told you I’m sorry. I’m not going to keep going over that shit, even though I truly am sorry. I never noticed you before, because I never noticed anyone. There was no way I could sift through the shit that I had swirling around up here,” he says digging his index finger into his temple. “You’re special, Laurie, in more ways than one. And now I know you can fucking kiss, too.” I giggle at his words then cut myself off feeling slightly embarrassed at acting like a schoolgirl. “That right there needs to stop. You can take all the time you need to get over your shit, just understand I’ll be here every step of the way, lighting your path.”

  “You want a drink?” I ask, suddenly aware that I need a minute.

  He narrows his eyes on me but lets it go when he answers. “Yeah, what you got?”

  My eyes widen when I realize I don’t have much. “Errm, instant coffee?” I tell him, biting my lip.

  “Sounds good. You got take-out menus? I’ll order while you make the coffee,” his reply is all business and he completely ignores my embarrassment, which makes me just want to kiss him. Hard.

  “Yeah,” I reply, grabbing them from the pile next to my bills. “Here.” I pass them to him and scurry off to the kitchen. Placing my hands on the countertop, I let my head hang down taking some deep breaths. “Just breathe, Laurie,” I whisper. The kettle clicks off and I make him the coffee. Staring out the window in front of me, which faces the brick wall of another apartment building, I close my eyes and try to steady myself. I feel lightheaded, knowing Ruben Asher is in my apartment, and he’s just kissed me. It’s all sinking in and I’m slightly stunned like maybe I dreamt it.

  On that thought warmth hits my back. Ruben rests his chin on my shoulder, places his hands on my hips and rumbles in my ear, “Pizza’s ordered.”

  “Okay,” I manage to say. He moves his hand down and away catching my fingers and gripping them. Tugging me back to the living room, ignoring the coffee, neither of us says anything as he seats himself then pulls me onto his lap. “Your coffee,” I murmur.

  “Shhh,” he replies as he brings two fingers up to my lips, firstly to silence me, then he uses them to trace my mouth. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” His words are hushed like he’s not saying them to me. My stomach has butterflies, and I feel like I want to both cry with happy tears and kiss his face off. There’s no choice to be made, when he leans in and touches my mouth with his again. This time, I automatically open, allowing his tongue entry. As his hands move down across my body, I pull away. I need to know where this is going. I know he said that he’d wanted to kiss me for ages, and that he was going to be lighting my path as I battled my way through the issues I still harbor, but he has no idea what he’s letting himself in for and I’m not ready to tell him—yet. But, I do need to know what this is, what he wants.

  “Ruben,” I whisper his name as I pull away and he growls low.

  “The way you say my name, it drives me crazy.” He moves down, kissing my neck and I allow my head to flop backward, the pleasure overtaking me. Dragging my will together as best I can, I push him off me.

  “We need to talk,” I say softly.

  He looks at my face, and something he sees must register as he nods immediately, sitting back.

  “What… w-what is this?” I ask waving a finger between us.

  His eyes narrow and he looks annoyed, it’s not what I expected from him, but then his anger is explained when he starts speaking. “We’ve been spending time together these last few weeks,” he tells me and I nod. “You’ve gotten to know me pretty well….” he continues and I nod again,
“…have I mentioned anybody since Amanda?” I shake my head. “In fact, I’m pretty sure that I told you I haven’t been with anyone since her, being too wrapped up in my own shit to even notice women… until you. We’ve become pretty good friends, yeah?”

  I bite my lip, this time, worried about how upset he seems. His eyes move to my lip then back to my eyes. Sighing, he moves me onto the seat next to him and I instantly feel cold as my stomach clenches.

  His voice is softer when he continues talking, “Look, we’ve been getting closer. You’re the first person I’ve kissed in so long. I wouldn’t ruin this friendship we’ve built up if I didn’t think what we have could be something special. Something that was worth pursuing. Something that could possibly be forever...” I gasp at his words. “Yeah, see that’s where I’m at.” He nods but it’s with sadness.

  Timidly, I reach my hand out and grab hold of his arm. “I really like you, I’m sorry if you took offense to me asking, but I had to know. I haven’t had a boyfriend or even a kiss in so long, it’s been—”

  He cuts my rambling off. “I really don’t want to know about your history. The only thing I would want to know was if you were a virgin. Otherwise, let’s not hash out the past conquests.”

  I stare at him for a good few seconds.

  “Oh God, are you a virgin?” he asks, his own eyes now almost popping out of his head.

  “No, no, I’m not.” I smirk, pulling my lips in-between my teeth as his whole body relaxes.

  “What is it that you’re worried about? I can sense there’s something. We need to hash it out now, Laurie. Otherwise, whatever this could be, is never going to get past this point right here.” His voice is low, and I feel a frisson of excitement and nervousness run through my body.

  “It’s your past, it’s Amanda.” The words are expelled in one go like I can’t breathe until they’re out of my body. The instant they are out, in the open, Ruben goes still and I’m not sure whether I’ve fucked everything up by allowing myself to be honest with him. Even if I have, though, I know unless we discuss her, this issue will always be between us, in the way of whatever we could have.