“Thank you for the roses.”
“You’re welcome. I’m sorry for being such an—”
“Asshat, jerk, stubborn jackass …?”
“Yes.”
“We’re married; we are in this all together.”
“I know, but I want to protect you. I told you I would always, and I told Thad.”
I took a sip of the beer that the waitress had brought along with her Mexican martini. She followed.
“Okay … so let’s say I got sick. I had something go horribly wrong, and I was the one having to deal with it. I would include you in it because I love you and even though it is about me … there is no me anymore. It is us. Especially on major things like this.”
She moved closer to me in my nook that she found under my shoulder without fail.
“Do you trust me?” She had never asked me that before, but I had asked her this. Several times, in fact.
“With my life.”
“Remember that then.” In saying that, she lifted her head and met my eyes before leaning in to kiss me.
“I love you, Ford.”
“And I you, Elise.”
For tonight, it would have to be enough. And somehow, I would have to figure out a way to protect her but also let her know what was happening to me was out of my control. And no, I didn’t want to admit that out loud. So instead, I took another drink of my beer, and I changed the subject.
*****
Far too many drinks led to us taking a taxi home and staying lip locked from the restaurant to our apartment.
The driver didn’t seem all that shocked and probably was entertained by it.
“I don’t think I can walk up the stairs, Ford.” She giggled as she said it and I watched as her eyes danced from the lack of serious thoughts tonight.
I lifted her up, intending to carry her in my arms, but instead, she wrapped her legs around my hips.
I was instantly turned on by her warm body and knew the sooner I climbed the stairs, the better it would be for the both of us.
I wanted to make love to my wife. It had been a while since I had been pulling back from her and withdrawing from life.
She held on tonight and pushed her hips down on mine, showing me that she wanted the same thing. The laughing had stopped, and she had begun sucking on my ears. A lick here, and a lick there. Elise bit lightly as I heard and felt her breathing deeply. It had turned me on as it always had. The few times I had attempted to resist her were halted when she ran her tongue along my earlobe then down my neck.
I held her against the wall next to our apartment door and kissed her deeply, not caring where we were, who could see, or what else this might lead to. Neither of us was thinking of anything but our desire for each other.
Elise began grinding her hips against my hardness as we kissed each other with no intention of stopping. She unbuttoned my top button and began putting her hand down my jeans to feel my growing length. She bit my lip, and I had a sudden urgency to get us in the apartment, so I could devour her without any witnesses.
“Baby, I want you, but we have to get into our place.”
“I want you now …” she whispered with almost a growl.
I moved sideways while still holding my wife around my waist and opened our door in the nick of time.
I had her against the wall again as we shut the door, removing her shirt and paying immediate attention to her breasts before letting her feet reach the floor.
“Where do you want to ...?”
“Right here,” she said, breathing hard with desire shining in her eyes like we hadn’t made love before.
“How about you let me take you to our couch?”
“How about a pallet on the floor so we can take advantage of each other?”
“Take advantage? No such thing. Any time you are up for it, I am.”
Her pallet consisted of the throw from the back of the couch and the blanket on the chair she had in the corner. She took her jeans off just as I did but left on her thong that was cut for her beautiful ass.
When we lay back on the floor, I took her just like I had many times before, but this time, I made love to her slowly, taking in every fucking minute. Every stroke that I orchestrated was in precision so I could watch her body language speak volumes of her pleasure. She was under me with her eyes closed rather than her eyes open so I couldn’t see them rolling back in her head from the pleasure.
Her hands rubbed softly up and down my back in perfect timing in the way my body was moving into hers.
There were no words, only our bodies talking to each other and responding to each other’s touch. It was familiar and amazing all at the same time. I couldn’t get enough.
Hitting my climax, I stayed on top of her, holding my weight up as we both caught our breath.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” I asked, seeing that she had tears falling from her eyes.
“I’m perfect, actually. You made love to me just like you used to. Not that what we do now is bad, because it’s not, but I really needed to feel the passion you showed tonight …”
“Please don’t ever doubt that I love you more than anything,” I said as I pushed her hair out of her eyes. After making love, she was always the most vulnerable, and I was honored that she let me have her in this capacity. I was the only one on Earth who felt her inside and was a part of her true being. I was one lucky man, hooked on the drug of Elise.
“I don’t doubt it, Ford. Sometimes, I just need the reminder. Especially with the things we have already had to deal with.”
“I’m sorry I dropped the ball, Elise. I know I am messed up in the head right now, but I will get it figured out. I promise.”
“Okay.”
I rolled over on my back, and Elise crawled on top of me with her legs by my sides. Her breasts against my chest and the weight of her body made me feel like the luckiest man alive. I would never move again if I didn’t have to.
But I would have to, especially now since my head was starting to pound.
Elise
Ford was still sleeping late in the afternoon on Sunday, and I had decided to let him sleep as long as he needed to. He couldn’t get enough sleep right now although I couldn’t say that I blamed him. His body was tired and was about to get more fatigued.
We had gone to Dr. Chen’s office and had set up the radiation treatment plan to begin tomorrow, Monday. My husband would be undergoing treatment for a tumor. It seemed like it was too soon yet too late at the same moment.
I sat on the couch staring at the TV with no intention of actually watching it. I was hoping it would take my mind of it, trying to watch Gilmore Girls, one of my favorite shows. I liked to pretend that my mother was like hers, but instead, my mind only thought of Ford.
I gave up, shut the TV off, and quietly made my way to the bathroom connected to our bedroom. I tiptoed across the room and shut the bathroom door as quietly as possible, holding onto the door handle to prevent it from turning and clicking into the doorjamb.
I ran the bath water, adding in my bath bomb. I undressed, looking at myself in the mirror as the water ran in a daze, and pulled my long blond hair up in a sloppy bun. I was never a person to feel sorry for myself, but today was a day that I did. I put my hand over my heart and looked at it in the mirror. The silver wedding ring shined in the mirror as I set that on my chest. The man who had my heart and gave me this ring was lying in bed in our room and was in pain. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, nothing I could say, nothing I could pull off that would remove his hurt. I was helpless and pissed that this tumor had us cornered.
I kept my hand on my chest, feeling my heartbeat starting to increase. I had promised Ford forever, and that wasn’t going to change. But I never thought our forever would be cut short. I had found the love of my life and fallen happily in love only to have him for a short while. Forever wasn’t going to be long enough, and now we were being told forever wasn’t a real possibility any longer.
I turned
the water off and slipped in, trying to let the heat remove my hurt, my aching for Ford.
I had only known three great men in my life. Ford, Thad, and Terry. Thad was obviously taken from me too early, Terry, as far as I know, was healthy as a horse. And my Ford.
The tears came on heavy, and it was hard to tell what was the water in the tub and what was my own tears after a short while. I left it all in the water, allowing the crying to cleanse my soul as much as my heart would allow.
I closed my eyes and leaned back as far as I could in the water before going under and try to catch my breath. I kept my eyes closed tight and tried to calm my breathing, assuring myself that there was still hope. He was still here, and he was still mine. I could still feel him, kiss him, touch him. I could still hear his I love you’s and see him.
Relax, Elise.
The battle might have started, but it was far from over.
Once my breathing seemed to be under control, I opened my eyes and saw Ford staring at me with love and worry all wrapped into one.
“Baby, did I wake you?” I asked, hoping he didn’t hear me. I immediately started to feel under my eyes and cheeks to make sure there were no remains of my sorrow.
“No…” He leaned over the tub and moved his hand over to my face, touching me softly. I closed my eyes, enjoying his touch. I felt his thumb, then his hand, and then his palm again. He tilted my head slightly, and then I felt his lips on mine.
I wrapped my arms around him, not caring about anything except the taste and feel of my husband kissing me. I pulled him to me, wanting him, all of him immensely.
He stood up for a split second to join me. He had always slept in the nude unless we were somewhere other than home, and I can’t say that I minded it in the least.
I scoot over in the tub to allow for his body, but instead, he stays on top of me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me while bringing his lips to mine again.
“I could never tire of the touch of your skin, and the way you look naked in the water.”
Instead of responding, I started to move against him, letting him know I needed to feel him in his entirety. Every single inch of his skin I wanted to feel, and his to feel me.
Ford didn’t resist me but instead took all of me, slowly and passionately like it would be the last time he ever felt inside me, kissed my lips, or held me.
His precision of knowing exactly what I needed combining with what he needed always impressed me.
“Ford, I am scared …” I said to him after we made love, and he ran more hot water and held me.
“I am too,” he responded.
“I know what Dr. Chen said, but I am still worried. I can’t live without you, and I don’t understand why this is happening. Why is God trying to take away the one person I love more than anything? He did this with Thad and now you … But you are a part of me in a completely different way than Thad was.”
“I know …” He didn’t say much more than that to ease my fears, but I think it was more because he didn’t know what to say, which scared me even more.
I moved on top of his chest as much as I could and looked into his blue eyes. He promised me the world, and he meant every word of it; he’d never broken a promise to me in the time we had been together. Loved me better than I had ever been loved, showed me more earth-shaking passion than I ever thought possible. I was more in love with this man than I could have ever fathomed was possible.
“You are it for me, Ford. So you’d better fight as hard as you can for us. I will never love another person like I love you, and I hope you know that.”
I sealed my sacred words with a kiss, and he watched my eyes. I could only hope he felt the intensity that I felt when I said the words.
Ford
Treatment number eight had been as successful as a person breaking every bone in my body, or that was how it seemed. Elise waited for me in the waiting room each time, trying to do whatever she could after the appointment to make me feel better to no avail. She had attended every appointment without fail taking in any and all information.
She had been so sweet and strong, trying to reassure me that things would be fine. Elise had waited on me hand and foot, tending to my every need trying to ensure I was okay. Well … as okay as I could be.
I understood now how the doctor said I would get depressed because I was in some serious ass pain, plus I felt like total hell. Between my head and my stomach, I was sick from head to toe. Every side effect they warned me about I seemed to be having, and that only made things worse. I had no appetite, had started to lose my hair some where they were doing the radiation, but that didn’t really concern me too much. I just didn’t want to look sick, but that wasn’t possible any longer. The fatigue was setting in significantly, and that pissed me off to no end. I wasn’t the type of guy to sit around and was becoming antsy.
I couldn’t help but wonder if surgery would have just been easier because this pain was unrelenting. I was becoming sicker with the treatment than I was without.
In addition to feeling like complete dog shit, I also didn’t want Elise bugging me. She meant well, but I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to work, but I had to attempt to pull myself out of this slump. If not for me, than for Elise. I hated her seeing me this way although the struggle I was having was intense, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to pull it off. I sure as hell wasn’t an actor, and you would have to be to hide this arena of illness.
I began to feel I was already losing the battle, and I had to prepare for her being here without me. Just thinking that very statement hurt more than the pain I was feeling physically.
Elise
Ford left early this morning for work, and I lay in bed, taking in every second, but the worrisome feeling I was having was overtaking me. I didn’t know how much longer he would be able to go to work with how poorly he was feeling although he was trying to convince me otherwise.
I had wanted to drive out to Humble today to talk to Carol and Terry but was still having an internal battle about whether I wanted to open that can of worms. I needed to talk to someone about it, and there was no way I could talk to Shay. Ford’s parents were completely out since they would get into our business—something Ford would not approve of. He hated to discuss anything regarding our lives with them, mostly because they had always disapproved of his decision unless it was what they wanted. Screw what Ford wanted, it was what Mr. and Mrs. Kelly wanted. And Ford had the injuries to prove it.
On a whim and remembering that Ford would be returning home later than normal this afternoon, I headed to Humble to visit with my aunt and uncle. The usual greeting as soon as I put my Jeep in park arrived with hugs and laughter, reminding me how much I loved this place, the people, and everything about it. It was my home.
“You made my day by coming out today, but to what do we owe this honor, my little busy bee?” Carol stuttered with excitement.
“I just wanted to see you. I have missed you.”
“I have missed you too, darlin’!” Carol commented, and Terry lovingly commented, “Boy howdy, does she.”
She hugged me, and I hugged her back. Holding on longer than normal, I needed to feel her strength.
“Carol … Ford has a brain tumor.” I blurted out without much hesitance.
“My word! When did all this happen? How?” Carol said trying to remain calm as she led me to the kitchen that smelled of coffee and peanut butter cookies, Terry’s favorite.
“I thought he had gone to a doctor for the bad hit he took on the last game?” Terry asked.
“He did, but he had already known that he had a tumor. But he didn’t tell me. He didn’t confide in me.”
“Maybe the doctor is wrong? Did he go to another doctor?” Carol asked.
“Always with the doctor, Carol,” Terry remarked irritated. “Ford knows if something is wrong and will take care of it if there is.”
Carol rolled her eyes at Terry.
“
I don’t need a cotton-picking doctor to tell me if I am sick or something is wrong. I feel it, and then I do something about it.” He snorted, making sure we knew our places, but Carol wasn’t the least amused.
“Yet if I was sick and you knew it, you would have me at the doctor looking into what was wrong in a heartbeat.”
“Yes, sugar, because you are the love of my life,” he replied sweetly.
“Good gravy, Terry. God, I love you, but you drive me bat crazy.”
“That’s my cue.” He stood to make his way out of the kitchen to no doubt go tinker with whatever he could. Busy hands were happy hands, or that was what they said anyhow.
I looked at my aunt, hoping she would have some advice for me. Terry got out of the hot seat as fast as he could, and I couldn’t blame him. “I am scared. I’ve gone to his last couple of appointments, and I am taking him to radiation. He has gone to eight treatments so far, and they are horrific. I think they are making him worse … I don’t know what I would do if …”
“Stop, missy. Just hold it right there. Do not ever assume the worse. You can’t go through life thinking that way.”
“How could I not?”
She laid her hands on mine as she had many times with me in the same spot at the kitchen table and patted them. Carol did this as a passing of strength, of assurance that everything would be okay. It was her way of consoling someone.
“Elise, Ford loves you, sweetie. He knew how worried you would be, and he tried to protect you. I’m not saying it was right that he kept it from you because it wasn’t, but let’s give him more credit than we have been, okay?”
“You’re right.”
“I usually am. I can count on one hand how many times I haven’t been, but it is a rarity.” She giggles her sweet sound of sunshine-filled sky.
“I have every bit of faith all will be fine,” she finished.
I look her in the eyes, wishing I was as confident as she was about it because, come hell or high water, we would do what we had to do.
Changing Us Page 7
