I just hoped it was the high water over the hell …
“Do you have time for a ride on Rose? Or do you need to get back town?”
“Sure, I have time.” Rose had always been a favorite horse of mine to ride.
“I’m sure Rose would really enjoy that,” Carol said. But I knew what she was thinking. And she was right. I really needed it.
Chapter 7
Ford
After Elise had found out about my diagnosis, things hadn’t been the same. Now, after starting treatment, things had only gotten worse.
I should be concerned about myself, but I was more worried about my wife. She had been hit hard with my illness and the betrayal of me not confiding in her. She looked at me like she was scared instead of just living. The look of living was one of the sparkles I loved to see in her blue eyes. I had to do something to break the cycle and remind her we needed to live our lives. I surprisingly had come to terms with things and had to believe if I took my meds and completed radiation, I would be okay. There wouldn’t be an issue, and I could survive this. Of course, I knew what my risks were, and the odds were stacked against me, but I refused to let myself think that way. At this point, anyway. Whether Elise wanted to admit it or not, she was counting on me to show her I was okay, and I couldn’t let her down. But I had …
It had been just a couple of weeks since I had started radiation and had finally decided to take an official leave of absence from work. I couldn’t let my students down, especially when my head wasn’t where it should be. I was going in when I could just to stay in the presence of the boys. They counted on me, and I wasn’t going to let a little tumor change that. Nope. Fuck that.
Elise was on the balcony of our modest apartment drinking her coffee, eating her strawberry-banana yogurt, and reading a book when I snuck up on her by placing kisses on her neck. It was getting hot earlier now, and there was only a little time left when she could enjoy her mornings on the balcony.
I walked in front of her, moving a chair to sit down, so I was her focus.
“What do you think about us taking a mini vacation this weekend?”
“Do you think that is a good idea? What if some—”
“Elise, something can happen anytime to anyone. Let’s head down to the beach for a couple of days.”
I took her hands and kissed them, trying to convince her to take this leap of faith without any plans.
“Come on, baby. We could use this time together. We can go back to the same place we have been to the previous times. It can be like our little tradition.”
I keep talking, but I can tell she is going to need some more convincing. She is scared and rightfully so. But I am the one who is sick … not her. Those words I didn’t dare speak, though, as they were better kept to myself.
“Only if you promise me that if you start to feel unlike yourself, we’ll pack up and head back.”
“Promise. Now go get a little bag together and …”
“Little? Ha! To the beach? No, you’re going to have to give me some time to pack. Sit with me, though, for a few minutes out here. It won’t be long, and we won’t be able.” And she was right. The heat would be in full force soon, and the balcony will be off-limits until after sunset.
“I know, I know, sweetheart.”
Neither of us said another word because we could have been thinking of two likely scenarios. One of which I would not let myself think of.
*****
I was able to snag a nicer room than normal and couldn’t wait for Elise to see it. She wasn’t the type of woman who liked things blown out of proportion although I knew she would appreciate this.
The entire reason for the beach trip was to take us both away from our life and hide from our reality for a while. I wasn’t attempting to forget the obvious but rather just put it on the back burner. At the very least for just this weekend.
If I could hide from it all, I would, but eventually, that would catch up with me, as it had already, trying to act like I was okay.
I was proud when we walked into the room, and I had ordered the honeymoon package just for an extra treat. The bed was decorated with a white comforter that looked like it was made of feathers. I couldn’t wait to lay her down on it and make love to her just as she deserved.
I watched as she toured the small room, looking at the extra touches in the bathroom with flower petals in the water welcoming her. A bucket held champagne with ice and two glass flutes waiting to be filled. Fresh fruit sat beside the glass waiting to be noticed.
“Wow, Ford … I’m impressed. But again, you always do impress me.”
“I’m glad you like it. I wanted to make it a little extra special this trip.”
She swung her arms around my shoulders and kissed me softly at first and then turned demanding.
She began feeling for my pants and undoing the button to let me know she was ready for some entertainment.
“I made us reservations at Rick’s Steak House. We can’t be late … It has your favorite cheesecake and …”
“I don’t care about anything but you, Ford. I want you and me to stay in this room until we have to leave …”
I loved that my woman knew exactly what she wanted. I picked her up as she wrapped her legs around my waist. What I wanted was to be with her just as much as she wanted me.
I carried her to the bed and laid her down, grateful she was wearing a dress. Adrenaline filled my veins, making me feel an urgency that I needed to move quickly to be inside my wife.
I ran my hands on her legs, up her thighs, and to the warm spot I dreamed of, craved, and had memorized. She was a drug I couldn’t get enough of and could never resist, so intoxicating that she controlled my very thoughts.
Lifting her dress over her head, she pulled me up to her ready to end our suffering. We both needed this to relieve the pain we were both having.
We made love until we both finished, knowing exactly what needed to be touched, rubbed, and admired before turning into a hungry adventure like when we first started having sex. She pleased me to no end, and I had never come so much in my life. I could live inside her and never complain. The throbbing of my dick wanting more of her never stopped, and I had only hoped she felt the same way.
After several sessions of giving each other all we could give, I held her and thanked her for choosing me to be the one she wanted to spend her life with.
“I love you, Ford Kelly.”
“I have never loved someone the way I love you, Elise Kelly.’
She fell asleep on my arm, tucked in the nook she always seemed to find. She never cared how I laid as long as she could find that spot and get as close to me as possible.
No matter how many times I would get to make love to my wife, to hold her like this, it would never be enough.
I was afraid that my hourglass sand would run out before I was satisfied, and that shook me to my core, leaving me restless.
*****
Elise
I woke up in our large king bed alone and turned over on my side, wondering where my husband was. We had a wonderful night tonight, and I hated to wake up without him by my side. Ironically, he had in a lot of ways already left my side. He hadn’t been the same for a long time, and now I knew why. I can’t say I would feel differently if it was me.
I tried to process what I was feeling and be honest with myself although I didn’t want to admit it or let it ruin the past eight hours we had together. I had to get back to school this next week, hoping to finish the exams and end my college career.
Being at the beach was the exact thing we needed. Every time I looked at Ford, I was reminded of how much I loved him and the real reality that I would not be me without him. I was the person I was because of him now.
We had spent the night in the bed making love then attacking each other like we had never experienced our passion. Ford had always been a great lover. At first, he was soft and careful, but now he knew how to shift my body into gear, pleasing me as if he ha
d the secret key that controlled my body.
I wrapped the sheet around my body and headed to the bathroom to see if he was there, which he wasn’t. I wandered around the rest of the hotel room until I found him half asleep on the balcony holding a bottle of tequila.
Ford wasn’t a drinker. Sure, he’d drink casually, but he didn’t like his mental clarity to be foggy and especially now with his medicine. He assured me he had many days like that in high school with the guys, but he didn’t like feeling that way any longer. “I don’t have anything in my life that I want to be foggy,” I recalled him telling me. Yeah, you could say that had changed.
I tapped his shoulder, observing him looking so exhausted.
“Baby … come to bed …” I said lightly, not wanting to startle him.
He cracked one eye and growled, “No, I’m fine.”
“Come on, Ford, I’m lonely in bed alone.” I pulled on his arm to assist him, and he swung back, yanking it from me.
The tequila bottle fell and cracked before he shot up in a rage.
“For fuck’s sake, Elise, can I not just be alone?”
I shook to the rattling of his voice and the unclear way his face appeared.
I moved toward the door to get away from him when he pinned me against it.
My husband, the man who had made love to me earlier, was no longer here with me. This man wasn’t him.
And that petrified me.
“I DO NOT WANT TO COME TO BED WITH YOU. I WANT TO BE ALONE.”
I watched his lips as they moved because the look in his eyes wasn’t Ford. Maybe his lips would prove to me it was the man I trusted.
“You are always pushing me … pushing me to tell you … pushing me to go to the doctor … pushing me to …”
“I … it’s because I love you.”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t pressure me.”
“Pressure? This is your life, Ford. Our life. If something is wrong, we need to work to solve it. I need to know about it. I want to help you, get you better, and be here for you. That is what a wife does. She …”
“SHUT UP!” He snarled at me, and I closed my eyes, not believing that he was doing this to me. He had never been aggressive nor hatefully drunk in front of me.
Instead of shutting up, I did what any wife would do—yield to the warning and keep trying to explain my side.
“How do you think I feel that you didn’t tell me that you had a … and I had to find out from the doctor instead of you?”
“This isn’t about you, Elise. This is about me.”
“But …” I uttered.
“But what?”
“You are acting like a victim instead of a survivor. It infuriates me … you would have never let me just stop trying and be a victim without trying to defend myself!”
“This is not the same thing!”
“Victim is a victim. You didn’t ask for this, but it happened. And now you have to deal with it the best you can.”
He pulled back from me, and then lifted his fist, hitting the wall beside the door and making the glass shake. I was sure it would shatter into a million pieces just like my heart. I was seeing a part of Ford that I didn’t like; this wasn’t him.
I scrambled into the hotel room, slamming the glass door behind me in a panic. I wanted away from him and as fast as I could. If we were home, I would know exactly where to go, but we weren’t. I was trapped. Again. I had no intention of adding domestic violence to my long list of misery I had faced.
I looked back at the sliding glass door before closing the bedroom door with every intention of locking it. He needed to sleep it off, and he would have to do that without me.
He was standing at the door looking right at me as tears fell down his face.
How many times could a person’s heart break in one day?
I closed the door so that he would no longer be able to see me, keeping my focus on him until it shut completely.
I slid down the door, crying as I have never cried before. My husband was just on the other side of the door, but I feared I had already lost him.
Ford
I didn’t remember much from last night, but I remembered the look on my wife’s face when I scared her, which was something I would have never done in my right mind. We had a fight, and I felt horrible that I hurt her.
I had gone outside last night to be alone—and let’s just call it what it is—and feel sorry for myself when I had apparently passed out.
I had slipped out from under her and snuck to the balcony so I wouldn’t wake her. I knew that things were bothering her, and I sure didn’t want that.
We had spent the day together and devoured each other. Nothing was important other than us just being together alone. We didn’t discuss anything other than day-to-day things and things we had done or seen.
Elise in her bathing suit and how it rose high on her thighs and the fullness of her breasts in her turquoise top would be something I would think of often. She was beautiful and only got better with age. She was my goddess, only for me to love. But then what if I wasn’t here for her to love.
The pain got to my heart, and I started drinking even more. I didn’t want to feel anything more tonight.
Have you ever felt so much pain that you just want it to end?
That was what I was feeling.
After our fight, I walked back into the room and stood outside her door before finally giving in to my body and falling asleep. I had thought of going in to wake her to apologize and beg her to forgive me, promise her that wasn’t me, and I would never hurt her but thought it was better to wait until the morning.
I hated the thought of her upset and scared of the one person who would never hurt her.
I stayed still partly from my head pounding from the poison I had drunk last night and partly because I was exhausted.
The door opened, and Elise looked down at me, watching as I fell to the floor backward.
Her eyes were swollen, and she looked like she hadn’t slept a wink. I probably wouldn’t have either if I hadn’t drugged myself.
I shot to my feet ready to beg for repentance.
Before I was able to get a word out, she held her hand up to halt any attempt at speaking by moving her hand to my mouth to cover my dry lips.
“Ford, I don’t want to discuss last night. I know you were drunk, which only proves you are not handling this well, and I can’t say I blame you. But hear me and hear me good …”
“Baby, I would never hurt you … lay a hand on you … I …”
“I know, but at that moment, it sure felt like you were going to, and that petrified me.”
I put my hand to her face to touch her because I needed to touch her. As I did, it was like an automatic button that guaranteed tears.
Her eyes began to fill, and she said the words I needed to hear. “I love you, Ford. You are my life, and without you, I am nothing.”
I rubbed my thumb on her skin, listening to her but speechless.
“But you really scared me …” she said, shaking.
I swallowed hard, ashamed at what I had done.
“DO NOT EVER not think that we are not both going through this.”
I leaned my head against hers and held her there—grateful for her, grateful for the forgiveness, and grateful I had found the love of my life.
Chapter 8
Elise
We had been home almost an entire week from our beach trip, and things seemed to be getting better. Or, at least, we were on the same page.
Today, I was excited to get home and share my news with Ford. I was officially done with my two-year degree, and we could start figuring out our future in Humble.
As soon as I got into the car with my final grades in hand, I was ecstatic to share the news with my husband.
Turning the key in the lock, I heard the loud TV announcing the football scores from last night’s game. Ford always had to listen to ESPN while around the apartment to take in the news from the day.
<
br /> I walked in, placing my keys on the small bar before walking into the kitchen and gasping.
I dropped to the floor on my knees beside Ford lying down on the floor unconscious. His eyes were making a funny movement, and I had no clue what to do. Panic was all I could think of although I knew that was the exact action I shouldn’t do. This was Ford, my husband. How could I not panic?
I start shaking him and screaming his name, afraid of what possible thing had happened. “FORD!!!!! FORD!!!!!”
He slowly opened his eyes and tried to sit up, but instead of anchoring himself up on his elbows, he fell back down.
This wasn’t good … I felt it in my heart and my stomach.
I must have gasped again when he fell because he looked at me shocked as if he had no idea what was going on.
“What happened?” I asked as he stayed still on the linoleum kitchen floor. He looked as if the wind had been knocked out of him, and he was trying to catch his breath and get his bearings straight.
He ran his hand through his hair as if looking for an explanation.
“I was trying to decide what to make for dinner … and then …”
“Do you know where you are?”
“Of course … I am in our apartment.”
He started to sit up, and I sat beside him, leaning against the wood cabinets that had seen better days.
“Ford, something isn’t right.”
“I’m fine. I think I am just tired. I am still recovering and didn’t eat a good lunch today from working with Roderick on getting the last papers turned in before grading period ends. He is covering for me, so I was trying to help him out.”
“When do you see the doctor again?”
“Elise, I am fine.” He patted my leg and then pulled me closer to him.
“Headaches any better?”
“Yes, baby. I am feeling better.”
I knew as soon as he said yes that he was lying. I felt it and knew it. He was going through his medicine quicker than he should, and although I shouldn’t be snooping, I was. It was the only way to check on him since I knew he wouldn’t tell me. He had promised to protect me, and he thought he was doing just that.
Changing Us Page 8
