“See … always about you.”
I stood, tempted to grab something and chunk it against his body to inflict pain. Then I reminded myself that he was already suffering.
I needed to get out of this room and breathe. He was dwelling in his own pity, and although I wanted to do something about it, I also felt like he deserved it. Not the brain tumor, but the way he was surrendering like it wasn’t worth the fight, like I wasn’t worth the fight.
I walked out and slammed the door, being a bit more dramatic than I normally was. But dammit, I was pissed and hurt.
I walked out the front door and to my car before pulling out my phone and calling the only person who I could think of.
“Dr. Pelker’s office.”
“Yes, my husband is a patient of Dr. Pelker’s, and I need to speak to him urgently regarding his condition.”
“Please hold, and I will see if he is available. Your name please?”
“Elise Kelly.” I looked down at my wedding ring as I said it.
Elise
Instead of sitting in my car repeating the words that Dr. Pelker continued to tell me, I decided I needed to get out of Rockwall.
“Surgery is needed ASAP,” Dr. Pelker had said, yet no matter how much he had told Ford this same statement, he wasn’t getting the point.
“He is so depressed and isn’t even himself anymore,” I said.
“He isn’t himself. The meds he is on alone are going to make him miserable. Lethargic, depressed, not to mention the fact that he is very sick.”
“I just can’t believe this is happening, Doctor. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“If I had a quarter for every time a patient of mine said that.”
“Isn’t there anything we can do?”
“You can make sure he knows you know he needs the surgery and hope he comes around. The longer we wait, the worse it is going to get. But, that being said, I can’t make a patient have surgery any more than I can make a patient tumor free.”
“I know.”
“I wish I had more encouraging words; I really do. It is very hard to see this in such a good young man.”
I started to weep but tried to keep it under control.
“Please call, Mrs. Kelly, if I can answer any more questions.”
“I will. Thank you, Doctor.”
Once I left Dr. Pelker's office, I drove to Carol and Terry’s but was determined not to bring up my and Ford’s issues. They were aware that Ford was sick, and sometimes, I thought that Terry knew more than he led on. That was Terry, though. Carol was always an excellent listener but didn’t offer too much advice other than to be patient.
I began to cry again somewhere around East Street and cried until I pulled onto FM 906. I had exactly five minutes to dry my eyes and calm my breathing. It wasn’t lost on me that Carol would take one look at me and see that I was upset, but at least, I could hold it together after getting it out on the way here. I wanted to live in Humble again where everything was great and where our love had started.
Carol was sitting on the porch cross-stitching in the swing when I pulled up. She smiled and waved, waiting for me to sit with her rather than greeting me as she normally did. I reflected for a few minutes about when I first came to Humble and the kindness she showed me and never stopped. She took on the mother role with compassion that only a loving person like her could give.
“What brings you out, darlin’?” she asked.
“Just wanted to come breathe some fresh air.” I smiled as I sat next to her. We side hugged each other, and she holds me a little bit longer than a normal hug. Yep. She knew.
“I’ve been working on this cross-stitch of a hummingbird. I had hoped to finish it a couple of weeks ago but haven’t been able to spend time doing it.”
“You’ll have to teach me how to do it one day.”
“That I can do, sweetheart.”
She continued to cross-stitch, and I watched, glad I was able to clear my mind and just watch as her fingers held the needle and pushed through the cloth.
“How are things at home?” she asked casually.
“Could be better,” I responded.
“Been busy at work?”
“No … work is good. Ready to give my notice as soon as we can get something arranged here.”
“I told you that you are more than welcome to move in here. We could use the help.”
“Ford isn’t in a condition to move right now.”
“Oh, I see.”
I started to feel the tears building, but I was fighting them off as hard as I could.
“I don’t know what to do anymore. He isn’t himself anymore. He is so damn mean. Like a spitting cobra. Everything he says is hateful.”
“Well, he’s not. He is sick and …probably in a lot of pain, dear.”
“He said today that he could feel it eating him. It hurt so badly to hear him say that and know that I can’t do anything to help the man I love. I would give up anything for him. I am his wife yet lately he treats me so badly.”
“I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I can’t. It is hard when someone is sick, and you can’t do anything to help relieve it.”
“The radiation isn’t working. In fact, he is becoming sicker and more depressed. Carol, the thought crossed my mind for the first time today that what if he doesn’t survive this? We are fighting left and right. I can’t bring him back to the now, and all he can think about is how he is dying. He doesn’t want to leave the house or do anything but sleep. He isn’t Ford any longer.”
“None of us knows what God’s plan is but the Lord himself. How do you know the medicine isn’t working?”
“I talked to Dr. Pelker. They are going to have to operate.”
“And they can get it, and he can be ...?” Carol asked almost like a statement.
“He is hopeful, but he has seen the way Ford is acting. Will is huge, and if he gives up the fight before it is in full swing, then Dr. Pelker doesn’t think he will do well.”
We had begun to swing back and forth lightly without my realizing it. It was as if she was my mother hugging me and rocking me to ease my pain. If only it worked. If only anything would work.
“Terry and I have never shared this with anyone in the family, but Terry had a good scare about ten years ago. I was sure that I would lose him. He pushed me away. Lord, that man tried to make me hate him.”
“Why?”
“He told me after he fought his battle and won it that it was because he thought it would be easier for me to hate him rather than love him if he did die.”
A light bulb flashed on, and I could see how Ford might very well be thinking that. He was always putting me first.
“That is ridiculous,” I said, clearly hearing what she was saying and wondering if Ford would do something similar. He was pushing me away with a vengeance.
“I thought the same thing, but when I started to really think about it, I asked myself if I would do the same thing to ease the pain that my spouse was going through? To help them start to get over me?”
“I wouldn’t!” I somewhat raised my voice irritated with the notion.
“You should know more than anybody that when you love someone, you protect them at all costs. The last thing you want to do is leave someone you love.”
“I haven’t surrendered yet. Why is Ford?”
“Because he is the one feeling the pain, and he is the one who is scared that is going to cause you heartache. Not many men can honestly say they fall in love with all their heart. But Ford, he did. He had loved you before you loved him. It was an instant connection for him. You know he told me one day when he was out here working, and you were at school that he knew he would marry you.”
“He did?” I smiled because I could see Ford telling Carol that.
“He was as positive as a person can be.” She patted my leg.
“Why does this have to happen? We were just starting our adult lives, and we get
hit with this? It isn’t fair.”
“You are correct; it isn’t.”
“But …”
“But what?” she asks.
“Isn’t there something you are going to say?” I knew Carol well, and she always ended with a but to settle my mind.
“There isn’t a but although I wish there was. I don’t understand it any more than understanding it when my husband was sick.”
“What did you do to get through it?”
“A whole lotta praying, begging really, so much my knees were sore. And with Terry, I just told him every day how much I loved him even when he became someone I didn’t recognize or even like really. He turned into a real monster. I reminded myself when I was crying many times that it wasn’t him talking … it was a power higher than him … and that was his sickness.”
“He beat it,” I responded.
“Yes, he did. I’m not going to believe that Ford isn’t going to either. There are two people in this world. One who thinks negatively all the time, and then those like me, who prefer to be positive until all else fails.”
“Yes…” Was all I could say.
“Now let’s head in and get some cobbler. I’ll start a fresh pot of coffee, and we can play a game of Rummikub.”
“Okay.”
Chapter 14
Ford
Misery … that was all I felt anymore. Guilt, anger, frustration, and helplessness.
I often stared at the ceiling in our room, watching the fan go round and round far more than any normal person would since I was in bed most days. Who would have thought I would be dealing with this pain day in and day out? At this point, it was welcomed and even expected. It was my life.
Everything was clear to me … I was a burden to the one person I loved more than anything in the world. That was what cut me deeper than the dull knife that picks at my head daily. The hideous pain that followed my body around to no avail.
Elise … the look in her blue eyes when she saw me the way I was now … I couldn’t handle it.
I fell in love with her and wanted to give her a life full of everything she wanted and deserved. Instead, roadblocks detoured our planned route. I hated it for her, and I hated it for me. For us. This changed us.
We were two kids who fell in love and didn’t let anything hold us back until it was out of control. A testament to the fact that no matter how hard you tried to plan your future, someone could grip your collar tight enough to cut off the circulation and prevent your next breath. The unidentified man was standing in the corner laughing at us again, and I couldn’t help but ball my fist in anger. He smiled, and I grunted as I prepared to hit his jugular.
I practiced holding my breath to see what it would be like. I knew I was dying and hoped to make it go faster at this point. The voices in my head were calling me to a distant place, and although I questioned the effect of my medications before I stopped taking them, I only resisted because of them.
I found myself watching my beautiful bride at night while she slept with tears in my eyes, wishing God would take me in my sleep. Something I never thought I would hope for at this season in my life.
My suffering only made Elise suffer. And that was something I never would get used to. My pain was incredibly unwelcome, but hers was crushing my heart.
Depression had taken total control of my thinking …
And I feared it would beat me.
And I would let it because I wanted the love of my life to live.
I had read that when a person was ready, they knew it. They felt it in their bones, and for me, it was getting close. I have contemplated so many things, things I couldn’t fathom, but every time I saw my wife looking at me with fear, it made me more sure of what I needed to do.
I heard her pray for me each night. The woman who I had pushed away hit her knees every single night, asking for healing for the love of her life. I cried every single time and couldn’t help but join in her prayer, asking for help for myself.
I prayed the same prayer, but I asked for healing of her. I fear it was too late for me now, but it wasn’t for her. She’d be okay because she was a survivor.
I had thought of many plans, but today, I was sure of how I was going to do it. I had a gun my father had given to me that I always kept in my nightstand. I know that Elise had seen it, but she’d never asked about it. I had only shot a gun once but was confident I would be able to seal the deal.
I had called Terry and asked him to come by this evening before Elise and Carol would be back in town. They were going to an antique auction for Elise to start looking for things for our place that she had dreamed of in Humble.
I didn’t want Elise to see me that way but knew that Terry would be able to take care of it and ensure that Elise was safe. He would protect her.
I had written my wife a letter, telling her how much I loved her and hoped that she would always remember my touch, my look, and the way she made me feel. Even more, the way I made her feel. I wished that our future would be different, but we both knew that would not happen. The further I pulled back, the harder she tried to fight to get in, but I resisted. I wanted her to be angry with me and not hurt. I wanted anything but for her to be in pain.
Elise,
“Love is both beautiful and heartbreaking.” You, baby, are the reason my life was beautiful.
You are also the reason it is heartbreaking because I have to do the one thing I always said and promised I would never do and that is break your heart.
You, Elise, were the reason I held on for as long as I did because you are my everything and always will be. I’m sorry for all the pain I have caused you, but I know that you will survive this. You are a survivor and have so much of life left to live. The pain in my heart knowing that I won’t be able to share it with you is unbearable. You were the first and only woman I have ever loved and am thankful you were sent to me. Without you, I wouldn’t have known love as I do.
Please never doubt my love for you and my reason for this …
I couldn’t fight anymore. And I couldn’t suffer in front of you anymore.
I am at peace with my decision and hope that you will be too once you read this letter.
Yours forever,
Ford
I hadn’t taken my antidepressant in two weeks, for fear that it would alter my thinking. I was clear minded and knew what I wanted to do. Hell, honestly, I wanted to do it as soon as I knew I would have surgery. Although the doctor tried to deny it, I knew my odds of surviving that were slim to none.
I loaded my father’s gun, placed my football in my lap, and held a picture of Elise and me in my left hand.
I closed my eyes to say a final prayer.
“Please Lord, forgive me for doing this … but I can’t take it anymore. Please watch over my wife and never let a day go by without her knowing that I love her. Amen.”
I stared at the gun and then back at the picture of us smiling. She had placed it on our dresser the day she moved in.
I brought it to my lips and kissed her face, wishing I could feel her skin one last time, but that wasn’t possible.
I closed my eyes and brought the gun to my head to pull the trigger.
And then my eyes went dark.
*****
“FORD! FORD!!!” I heard Terry screaming my name and jostling my body.
I didn’t answer because I couldn’t. I was cold and wet and not sure how or why.
“ANSWER ME!” Terry demanded.
I looked at him without being able to vocalize I could hear him.
“Can you sit up?” he asked and tried to help me up.
With his help, I am able to lean up against the wall and get my bearings.
I put my hand on my head to see if I had done what I thought I had and then pull it back to see if there was blood. My head was hurting, but it always hurt.
“I …” I try to compute something … anything. “Why?”
“It is sweat … I came in and broke down your door in a pani
c since you weren’t answering. Elise had said you were acting odd today, so I thought I would come get you and make you work some at the farm with me.”
He paused.
“The best I can tell you had another seizure and passed out cold.”
He was leaning beside me on the floor but then moved to beside me sitting against the wall as well.
“You wanna tell me what was going on here?”
“You just said I had a seizure.”
“We both know that is not what I am talking about, don’t we?” He looked at me like he was waiting and hoping to God what he saw wasn’t what was intended.
I looked around the floor for my gun, but it was nowhere to be seen.
“Looking for the gun?” he asked.
I nodded and looked at me with shame.
He handed me the picture of Elise and I, and I broke down uncontrollably.
Terry put his hand on my leg and patted it.
“Son … I don’t know what happened to stop this … but I am thankful. We would have lost someone who we all love very much.”
“I don’t know what happened either … I thought I had … but …”
He stood and took the letter I had laid on the dresser for Elise and held it up.
“I will just dispose of this and get you some water. Stay put until I get back.”
I nodded, letting him know I understood, and wiped the snot that had begun to run out of my nose.
Terry walked back in the room with a grin on his face and a cup in his hand along with a beer.
He handed me the cup and took a sip of the beer he had in his other hand.
“What do you say we never speak of this again? There are some things our women do not need to know about …”
“Terry, I am sorry for …”
“Ford, do you think you are the only person alive who feels like complete hell mentally and physically? You are fighting a disease, and you have let it get the better of you, but I hope now you will think differently. And I’m taking the gun.”
“Yes … but I can honestly say I …”
Changing Us Page 14
