“Just to be on the safe side.”
Elise
Carol and I had done some antiquing today. She knew I needed to get out of the house, and Ford agreed.
Terry would go by and check up on him, and I had hoped that somehow, he would be able to lift his spirits. Lord knows we needed any help we could get.
Terry had called, letting us know with a laugh to come on back to Humble when we finished spending his money. Ford and he had gone out to do some work, but on what, I could only guess. Ford always humored Terry with whatever he needed him to help with a smile.
I was excited to tell Ford that I had a job interview in Humble with the bookkeeper Carol had told me about previously.
Maybe getting out of Rockwall would do us good.
Carol was keeping her eyes open for a place for us, but I knew she wanted us to stay with them. She liked the company and acted like she needed the help.
Surprisingly, when we made it back to the property, the guys were still not back.
Carol went in to take a cat nap, so I sat on the porch with a glass of tea and read my book while listening to the birds and soothing sounds of the country.
Two hours later, I was still sitting on the porch in the big swing, staring out at the property, the barn in particular, with a book in my hand pretending to read, but it wasn’t even a disguise any more. The words were jumbled, and I honestly only held the book at this point to act as if I was reading.
The barn … oh, the barn. The first place we had made love and had several times after that there as well.
Ford’s truck pulls up, and he and Terry get out. I remember when he used to pull up in his truck, and how I felt the excitement in my stomach. This was the teen boy who had grown into a man who made my world circle on its axis; the reason I wanted to breathe. He was it for me, but by pulling away from me, he told me he possibly didn’t want me in his life anymore. And that hurt badly.
I pretended to be reading as Ford walked to the railing that was supporting the swing from the ground on the porch.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“Ford.” I was already starting to tear up because his voice was the old Ford. Not the evil growl it had become.
“You want to go for a walk?”
I nodded but wanted to jump over the railing and into his arms. Of course, I wanted to walk with him. Forever into the unknown.
He waited for me at the end of the porch, and he was wearing his old boots that weren’t donned very often. The same boots he had worn when working here at the farm when I first met him.
He took my hand and stood close to me, closer than he had in weeks. He was freshly showered and smelled like my Ford.
We walked in silence for a few minutes although our thoughts spoke volumes. We didn’t have to talk. We knew each other inside and out.
I stopped for a minute and faced him. “Ford, I am sorry for fighting with you… I just can’t stand that you are sick, and upset and afraid … and I can’t fix any of it. You are my world, and you are kicking me out of yours.”
“I know.” He looked down like he was feeling the guilt and didn’t know what to say to my statement.
“Elise, let’s sit for a minute.”
He sat down and then pulled me toward him to sit on his lap. He then pushed my hair to the side so he could rest his head on the other side of my neck.
“First, let me say something I should have been saying all along. Thank you for being here for me. I never had any doubt that you wouldn’t be, but I would never have thought I would have acted as I did. I can’t give you an explanation because I can’t comprehend it myself. I …”
I turned my head and placed a peck on his lips. Damn, that felt good. Something so small, a little gesture that connected me with my husband.
“I am sorry. I am sorry for putting you through this. I wish …” Ford tried to finish his sentence, but his eyes were filling with tears, and I could see his struggle.
“Do you remember when we were about to get married, and I asked you if you were sure you wanted to marry me not knowing what our future would hold? And you told me no one knows what it holds.”
“Yes, of course. And I meant it. You are the love of my life, Ford, that hasn’t changed. Nothing could change that.”
“My behavior these past months’ should have,” he said shamelessly.
“Well, I won’t disagree with that.”
“I felt like there was this demon inside me telling me that I would not beat this and that I needed to just lie down and let it happen. His voice was louder than what I expected, and I surrendered. I did it willingly.”
“But Ford …”
“I put that voice to rest this afternoon. I realized I was alone after pushing you away. I didn’t like it and don’t want to feel it.”
I started to talk, and he stopped me by putting his hand up against my lips softly. He used to do that when I wouldn’t stop talking to get my attention. With Ford, I sometimes felt like I had to say everything I felt because I was afraid it would go away; he would go away. He promised me that would never happen; that he wasn’t going anywhere … but now that could change.
He finished. “I don’t want you to ever feel the absence of me either, Elise.”
The lump in my throat was choking me. I didn’t want that either. I would give my last breath not to have that happen.
Words came to me, but I knew they weren’t the ones that needed to be spoken.
“Let’s do something about that then. Let’s do whatever we can to keep that from happening, Ford Kelly.”
“I honestly thought you had given up on me from the way I have been treating you,” he said with all seriousness.
“Ford, I married you for better or worse, till death do us part. I’m not looking to get out.”
He ran his hand along my cheek, and I wanted to melt. I hadn’t felt his touch in far too long, and his skin against mine was sending my nerves on high alert.
He kissed me softly like when we first kissed years ago, which quickly accelerated to a little rougher. Taking me in as if he couldn’t get enough of me. Tasting my mouth like he was starving.
“Are you ready for battle, Mrs. Kelly?”
“You bet your ass I am ready, Mr. Kelly. I’ve been ready. I have just been waiting for you.”
We went back to kissing, taking in every inch of each other until I pulled back, stood out of his lap, and walked him to the barn to the very first place we had made love.
Ford always surprised me with his lovemaking. He was as gentle as any man could be, I assumed really, since he was the only man I had willing been with. He knew where to apply the pressure with his skills and always pleased me.
I watched his eyes as I removed my shirt and then stood to take off my jeans. He stayed focused on me as if I was the only thing in the world. He always had a way of making me feel that way.
“Now you, baby,” I said, and he undid his jeans and pulled them off his hips to where his manhood showed.
He was ready, and I was too.
“You going to take advantage of me?” he asked and winked.
I laughed and nodded.
He sat back on the bench, and I got on top of him, moving myself down on him. He moaned, and I followed suit. He ran his hands up and down my back as I moved, his hand feeling like a feather lightly grazing me.
I found a rhythm, and he joined in, making sure I took him all in.
I rode him, rocking back and forth with a mix where he was almost out to all the way down. Every time I heard him moan, I almost shivered.
I wanted him to feel as good as I felt.
We were connected physically and mentally.
He kissed my neck and would touch my breasts, making sure to please me in all areas.
At my climax, I continued to ride him to make sure that he followed through. His face showed his ecstasy, and I smiled, proud of my work.
“That was definitely not how we made love here the first time.” He smiled,
pushing my hair off my neck and placing small kisses there.
“No. We can do it that way in a few minutes if you want.”
“Want?” He laughed.
“I love you, Ford Kelly.”
“I love you more,” I said.
He kicked off his jeans in total then lifted me up to lay me down to start round two.
“I remember the first time I ever felt the inside of you.”
“Do you? Right here?” We had made love the first time in this very spot. Exactly how we were lying.
“Yes. It was heaven. And every time since has been heaven.”
“Heaven,” I said, taking it in.
“I am the luckiest man on earth to get to feel you and touch you. Do you know how many men would kill for this?”
“The only man I’m interested in is you.”
I pulled him down and kissed him until we were breathless as he made love to me softly.
In the end, we pulled the blanket that was laid on the back of the bench over us and fell into a slumber.
His arms wrapped around me, and I thought about how I could stay in this position next to him on this floor for the rest of my life. No questions asked.
“I am having the surgery, Elise.”
He had waited until my eyes closed and my breathing had slowed, not expecting a response, so that was what I gave him. I didn’t think he wanted one.
I wanted to be positive this would be it, and then I would have my Ford back, but I also knew the risks.
I closed my eyes tighter, feeling the rise and fall of his chest and hoping he was at peace because I was in his arms.
Praying quietly to myself just like I had tons of times before, wishing it was me instead of him and I could take away his suffering and pain. I had already beat so much … but not my Ford.
I had tried to think about my life without him, but it wasn’t possible. There was no Elise without Ford Kelly. Not anymore. We were parts of each other for better or worse.
And this was the worse.
I would hope for the better because that was all I could do. Hope and pray and try to settle for nothing less.
Elise
“I keep thinking about how down you have been,” I said to Ford, sleeping in my old room at the farm. The room had the same smell as it did when I moved in when I was in high school.
The room was dark other than the lights shining through the window from the back porch.
Ford didn’t respond as I continued to run my hand up and down his arm as I laid beside him listening to him breathing. The only thing you could hear was our breathing together.
“I can’t believe I let myself get there either. I didn’t feel like I was living in my own body any longer. It was as if something had taken hold of me and suffocated my will, my drive,” he finally answered, and my throat felt blocked with pain. Tears were filling, but I was resisting them. I didn’t want to cry.
He had told me just a few hours ago that he would have the surgery, and I felt like we were in a no-win situation. He was surrendering like the doctor had said that he might, but I knew Ford didn’t want it. I didn’t want him to live unhappy anymore although losing him wasn’t an option.
He moved, and we were face to face because I could feel his breath.
“Elise, I need to tell you something. You aren’t going to want to hear it, but you need to know.”
I was scared to speak up and tell him I was listening for fear of not knowing if I wanted to know, if I needed to know. All this was too much.
“I tried to kill myself earlier today with my dad’s gun. I had written a letter to you and was looking at a picture of you before I apparently fell unconscious from a seizure. I hadn’t taken my medicine for two weeks.” He paused. “Ironically, the seizure saved my life, and then when I came to, Terry was by my side.”
Then he was silent, and I heard him begin to sob but not move from his position on the bed or from me. He wasn’t moving from me, resisting me, or pushing me back. For once, he was talking to me.
I moved closer and began to wipe his tears, holding his face while not concerned about the ones falling from my eyes. His were more important. He had just confessed something to me that was probably the hardest thing he has ever had to say.
“I was ready to give up, sweetheart. I have been in pain … and then the man I have become isn’t who you want or need.”
“Ford, listen to me … I love you. I will take you in any way I can have you. But I don’t want you in pain, physically or mentally. Whatever we need to do, we will do, okay?”
“After Terry woke me from my poorly planned—pathetic, I now realize—breakdown and attempt, I realized I do want to live. And I want to fight. And I will fight.”
I swallowed hard and moved nose to nose with him, lightly placing a kiss on his lips.
“I won’t be a victim any longer.”
“We will be survivors,” I muttered softly.
“I won’t let it define me,” Ford said.
“It never has, baby,” I told him and then kissed him again.
We held each other the rest of the night on top of the covers fully clothed until the sunlight hit the windows and woke us.
Leaning over him, I muttered that I was getting up, but he didn’t budge. I kissed his forehead and gently got up to move off the bed.
I turned the corner to head to the bathroom and ran straight into Terry down the way to the hall to the kitchen.
I immediately hugged him. “Thank you, Terry. Thank you for …”
“Think nothing of it, sweet pea.”
“Let me thank you please for once. This wasn’t a small thing, Terry. You saved him. You made him see he wants to live.”
“No, Elise … He already knew that; he just needed to be reminded he had a lot to live for.”
“And you did that.” I was tearing up and fought it because I knew my uncle well enough to know that he wasn’t privy to a crying gal. It embarrassed him and made him look away lost with words.
“Let’s go get some coffee, shall we?” He invited me, holding out his elbow for me to follow him.
I looked over one last time in his dark brown eyes. “Saying thank you doesn’t even seem like enough—”
“It is for me.”
Chapter 15
Elise
I had just started my morning shift and saw Carol walking in with a look of worry
She came up to the counter and asked if she could talk to me.
“Is everything okay? Do I need to …?”
“Everything is okay … just need a few minutes of your time. Or should I say we do.” She pointed over to my mom who was standing outside the coffee shop apparently waiting to come in.
“Why is she here? And you are with her?”
“Trust me, sweetie, I’m just as shocked as you are. She came to the farm and talked to Terry and me. I was ready to throw her out before she even spoke, but Terry gave her the benefit of the doubt, and I’m glad he did.”
“This has got to be good.” I told Nicole that I needed my break now, and she smiled, agreeing. This place always moved slowly except for our peak times.
Carol and Mom were sitting in the brown leather chairs that faced the window, and I pulled one up to meet them.
“This is a nice place, Elise,” Mom said, trying to make small talk.
“Yeah, it works. Listen, I only have about ten minutes, so what did you need to discuss?” I wasn’t beating around the bush as she could tell.
Carol didn’t say anything but just sat with her hands in her lap. Nicole brought over two coffees for the guests and then made herself disappear quickly. I was assuming she sensed the tension.
“I want to talk to you about the lawsuit.”
“I told you, I already had the money withdrawn and a cashier’s check for you, but I just was waiting to get to the post office and was …”
“I don’t want it.”
My mouth dropped to the floor, and I almost fell out of my chair
. I couldn’t find a single word to respond to that. What? She has got to be drunk.
“Elise, I was being forced to try to … anyway, it doesn’t matter now. Garrett has taken care of it all. Here.”
She handed me two envelopes. One with the law office label and the other blank.
I opened the law office label one first, and it had a letter on the front stating that the lawsuit had been amended and a settlement had been reached.
The second was a police report copy. I didn’t understand this one, so I looked at my mom then back at the piece of paper.
“This is a copy of the police report I filed on Bryan years ago. Why do you have it?”
“Look at the last paper.”
“You wrote a report too?” I read over it, and my throat ached.
“I am so sorry for doing what I did to you with this, but all your life, I was a bitter woman who wanted to blame anyone I could for being unhappy. That fell on you and …”
I watched her talking but was shocked by what she was saying. This couldn’t be the same woman I called my mother.
“I can’t just forget the things you have done to me, Mom. I wish I could but—”
“I don’t expect that. I know I can’t erase the things I did to you because, believe me, if I could, I would in a heartbeat. I just want to be a part of your life in any way you will allow me. I already lost one child, and I don’t want to lose you too.”
I felt the urge to hug her and tell her it was okay and that all was forgotten, but instead, I just froze.
I stood after regaining my thoughts and walked over and hugged her.
“Thank you for that, Mom. It is just going to take time, but I am willing to try.”
“That is all I ask. Garrett has made me see the awful things I did to you. It is hard to look at myself in the mirror, but I hope by accepting the things I did and asking for forgiveness that with time it will get better.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, why the sudden change of heart about the lawsuit and on the police report?”
She took a breath, and Carol watched just as I did, waiting to hear what she would say about that.
“Bryan was blackmailing Garrett. I was trying to help Garrett get Bryan off his back. One night, I was at Rowdy’s and saw Bryan. He introduced me to Garrett, and we hit it off. He had no idea that Garrett and I would actually fall in love. Anyway, Bryan knew you had gotten money through Thad, I assume from Garrett, although he regrets it now. He had no clue what Bryan had done to you or what his intentions were. At that point, it was already too late, and he was being blackmailed. I was trying to help him so Bryan would leave us the hell alone.”
Changing Us Page 15
