Changing Us

by Brooklyn Taylor

  I watched as she took a sip of her coffee and then continued.

  “Garrett started to do some digging around after I told him what you accused him of when you lived in Liberty not to mention that I hadn’t taken your word for it. Needless to say, Bryan has been hiding quite a record. He has been let go from the police department. You weren’t the only victim who he—”

  “Raped,” I finished for her.

  “You should have seen the police and Bryan’s dad stand up to him. I will be laughing about the look on his face for years to come. He was stripped of his badge and gun and told he was done working as a police officer. His commanding officer told him he couldn’t have a rapist working on his force or any force, for that matter. Said he was a disgrace to the other men who wore the badge and he should be ashamed to look in the mirror. Bryan started to throw a fit, and his dad actually stood up to him and apologized for always covering his messes and helping to create the monster he had become.”

  “Did he admit to the rapes?” I asked, already assuming the answer. Part of me wondered how many there were. Did I know any of the other victims? And did they find someone like Ford to love them and heal them like I had been blessed to find?

  “Of course, not. Said it was all hearsay. Lying snake.”

  “What did Bryan have on Garrett?”

  “It was more on Garrett’s dad. Gambling debts.”

  “So Bryan is the scum I always knew he was,” I remarked, not that I had any doubt.

  “Worse. Elise, I am so sorry I didn’t believe you. But I still think sending you to Humble was the best thing I ever did for you.”

  “I agree. She is a blessing in my life,” Carol said.

  “Carol, Terry, Ford … Shay … my life … I can’t imagine my life without them. Humble is my home.”

  “Then I did one thing right,” Mom said sweetly but ashamed.

  “Yes, yes, you did.” I smiled. I had never noticed I had a lot of my mom’s smile. I guess it was because she rarely smiled.

  Chapter 16

  Elise

  It had been a month since I received news that I wasn’t sure whether I should be happy or depressed about. Acknowledging the possibility of feeling sadness hurt more than I could have ever imagined.

  I hadn’t told anyone my secret and held it close to my heart. I was aware of it, though as every hour passed I felt the guilt of not sharing it with the one person who should know, who would normally be happy, elated even. Ford. There were times he had come back to me—when the fog would lift from his sorrow, and I could see him again—but it wasn’t as often as I needed it to be. I was a yo-yo being pulled to him and then pushed away over and over.

  Truth be told, I wasn’t sure if this was a blessing or a curse.

  Could I say that this happened when we really were insanely in love?

  Absolutely.

  Could I say that he or she was conceived from passion?

  Hell, yes.

  Could I say we were bringing a baby into a world he or she would deserve?

  No. And that was what hurt.

  Today was Ford’s surgery, and I watched as he lay in our bed. He would be in the hospital for at the very least a couple of days, and I feared the possibility that when I brought him home, he would not resemble the man I loved.

  It was a risk he had to take for himself and for me and, little did he know, for our child.

  I had wanted to tell him of the secret several times. The last time we made love at the farm would have been a perfect opportunity, but I couldn’t get the words out.

  When he muttered he would have the surgery, again I could have snuck it in, giving him another reason for the risk, but instead, I held it in with all the willpower I could muster.

  I wanted him to want to live and to fight because he was Ford. Not because of anything else. And this would have given him a reason.

  I went to the kitchen to start the coffee pot and then said a prayer, or a begging of sorts, hoping that God heard my prayer tenfold. If there was a reason we needed a miracle, this would be the time.

  As the coffee brewed, I watched the dripping intently, wishing that was all that was on my mind and not about how I would be coming home alone later. I was making only one cup for me instead of two since Ford couldn’t have anything.

  I poured my cup and walked over to the window. Staring out at the trees, I wished it was a normal day. The sun was just rising, and I had a long day ahead of me. We had two hours before we had to be at the hospital for pre-operative admission, and I wished I could make the time go slower.

  “What are you looking at?” Ford came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me being careful not to spill my coffee.

  “Just the trees.”

  “Why are you up so early?” he asked as I turned to him, pretending that today wasn’t of significance.

  “Same reason you are.”

  In Ford style, he changed the subject.

  “That coffee smells so good.”

  “Only because you can’t have any. That is always the way it is.”

  “Come sit with me.” He walked over to our couch and sat down.

  Instead of sitting beside him, I sat on his lap. He had lost weight in the past months but not insanely so. Enough for anyone to take notice, though.

  I placed my coffee on the table and turned to him, kicking my legs up on the side of the couch. He would never tell me if I was hurting him, but I didn’t want to risk it.

  “I haven’t had a headache or seizure since the day at the farm. Maybe I need to just postpone this?”

  “We both know that is not what needs to be done. Plus, you are back on your medicine, and that is helping…” I said it but didn’t look in his eyes. I didn’t want to see his face.

  “Elise, we are going to get this through this. I have no doubt in my mind.”

  “I know we are too.”

  “I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things in case everything doesn’t go as planned.”

  “Do we really need to do this?” I asked, scooting off his lap. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants that sit nicely on his hips. He might have been sick, but he was still gorgeous to me. Always had been.

  “We do.”

  I began to tear up before he even spoke. I sat back on the couch, and then he took my hand, turning to me.

  “I have a letter that I have written to you, but Terry has it. I didn’t want it here in case everything is fine when I come back home. If everything goes as planned, then he will tear it up, and you’ll never see it.”

  That damn tear slipped down my face. I tried to keep the others at bay.

  “Second, I have written down all my information, my trust information, and I have a will in my desk drawer. It also has all my account information, passwords for things, etcetera. I don’t want you to be lost and not know where anything is.”

  “I will be lost if you aren’t here. There is nothing that can—”

  “Please baby, please let me finish. This is as hard for me as it is for you. Thirdly, I bought some land two miles from Terry and Carol. It is already paid for, and God willing, we can start building on it as soon as I recover from the surgery. I’ve already had a blueprint drafted and approved for construction, so we are ready to go. I just didn’t want to start it yet, since … well, the obvious. That also is in my desk.”

  I put my head in my hands and started to bawl. We should be talking about this because we want to, because it is another step in our marriage, and not because he might not come back home to me.

  He held me and rocked me as I cried, and I let him. I wanted him to rock all the pain away, but he couldn’t.

  I wanted to tell him so badly that we had created something, and he had to be around to be a part of his or her life. That I wanted the baby to see what a wonderful person he was and how he had blessed my life and he would do the same with our child.

  No, it wasn’t our plan to have a child so early, but God had his own plan.

  T
his part I could understand, but I couldn’t even fathom the reasoning behind him being sick.

  My crying had finally slowed, and he picked me up and carried me to our room. Instead of making love, he held me, and we just looked into each other’s eyes. We both had tears that escaped, and other than a few stolen soft kisses, we kept our gaze on each other. I could feel his love for me deep in my soul, and I could only hope that he felt mine.

  I had turned a few minutes before I knew we would have to get up, and he placed his hands flush on my stomach.

  I wish he could feel what was growing inside, and I hoped that wasn’t the only time he would get to feel the life he created.

  Chapter 17

  Ford

  Arriving at the hospital seemed to me like a death wish, maybe a miracle worker, but for a reason I can’t explain, it felt like the former. Perhaps everyone felt that way before surgery, perhaps not.

  Elise stayed by my side the entire process of getting me checked in, in my gown, and settled. Dr. Pelker came in and went over everything with me just as we had discussed previously, but now, it seemed more final. He tried to settle my nerves and calm me although it didn’t work. I felt like a cow being sold to the slaughterhouse.

  Terry and Carol were in the waiting room to sit with Elise, and for that, I was thankful. She needed to be comforted, and I hated I was the reason for it. My parents were also there although I wasn’t sure how much of a comfort that would be.

  “It’s almost time, Mr. Kelly.” Elise grabbed my hand a little tighter instead of the opposite.

  “I guess it goes without saying that I don’t want you to go,” she said with a worried, forced smile on her face. She was trying hard to be strong, and I loved her for it.

  “I’m ready, Elise, as ready as a person can be. Hopefully, I’ll be a new person although with less hair.” I tried to make her laugh, but it was an utter fail.

  “Get over here and give me a kiss.”

  She kissed me, and I kept my eyes closed, wishing we were anywhere but here.

  She leaned back and kissed me one more time before muttering words I will never forget. “You need to make it through this because you are going to be a daddy.”

  She walked back slowly as I watched her every step.

  “Elise, I love you more than anything. Always remember that.”

  “I love you, Ford … but I expect you to tell me that again in just a couple of hours.”

  As she walked out of my room, I wished I could get up and walk with her.

  I would be a father and hoped that I would be here to see it.

  “You ready to get the show on the road?” the nurse asked me, already removing the brakes from my bed.

  “No … but I bet all the patients say that.”

  “Yes, they sure do. Was that your wife?”

  “The love of my life,” I responded and closed my eyes, feeling the medicine start to take effect. I could hear that she was talking but had no clue what she was saying. I didn’t care anymore anyway because the only voice I wanted to hear was my wife’s.

  I clenched my eyes, begging to hear her voice repeat “I love you.” And that was what I held onto as I drifted off to sleep, hoping to wake up again.

  Elise

  “It feels like he has been in surgery for hours.”

  “He hasn’t been in that long.” Terry looked at his watch, trying to keep me calm. It felt like days.

  “That could just mean that they are making him perfect, dear,” Carol said sweetly.

  “A long surgery is never good news,” I responded.

  I watched as she walked to pour me some coffee and then back, handing it to me.

  “If I drink another cup of coffee, I am going to puke.”

  “It’s your nerves, sweetie,” she said sweetly as we both drank from our cups.

  Why did hospitals think coffee out of a vending machine was going to help anything? The last thing you wanted was something to eat or drink when you were worried to death.

  “I don’t know why either, but I know that my mom used to always walk around, waiting on people, and I have picked that habit up,” she said, reading my mind.

  “I know you mean well. I’m just a mess,” I said, feeling shitty.

  I walked over to Ford’s parents sitting against the wall not talking to each other at all. I had looked through the window before I realized it was just another waiting room beyond them.

  A lady caught my eyes because she was staring off into the distance in a trance and a man sitting beside her had his arm around her.

  “Terry, come here real quick,” I asked, and he stumbled over to me.

  “What is it?”

  “Is that Mom?” I pointed in her direction.

  “I’ll be. It sure is.” He turned and looked at Carol.

  “Why would she be here?” I asked.

  “She knows Ford has … that he isn’t well. And she wanted to be here. I told her it wasn’t for the best, so it looks like she found a way around that.”

  I started to cry. I had hated that woman for as long as I could remember, but she had tried to come to support me. I didn’t know how I felt about it, but I knew that it was a gutsy move. Carol or Terry must have told her more than I was aware of, but at this point, it didn’t matter. There wasn’t such a thing as too much support was there? I didn’t think so.

  Dr. Pelker appeared, walking out to the surgery area, and I froze, not sure I wanted to hear what he would say.

  I walked toward him with my eyes focused on him, still donning his surgical cap and the blue scrubs that had seen better days. I could feel Carol and Terry on my heels anxious to hear what the result was.

  Ford’s parents not far behind.

  When I met eyes with him, my heart sank because the look on his face wasn’t the one I wanted to see.

  “Mrs. Kelly, we need to talk … I am …”

  And then I lost it. I hit my knees and cried as everyone watched with sorrow, and my mother came rushing in.

  Carol wrapped her arms around me, and my mother did the same. I began to rock back and forth, not wanting to live any longer without him. My life was Ford, and without him, I …

  “Mrs. Kelly, let’s go to this room here so we can talk in private.” I got up with the help of Terry and followed the doctor into a room on the side. I felt like I would be read my death sentence. I didn’t blink the entire way, wondering if and how I would keep it together.

  I didn’t want to hear any reasoning behind it. I needed to know the facts and that in and of itself would eat me alive.

  I was a lost soul, a pregnant widow now and had no idea how I would get through it.

  Epilogue

  Elise

  It had been three years since Ford’s surgery. And two years ago, things changed again.

  My life had forever been changed by a man. He loved me more than I had ever felt loved, and in return, he gave me a life I would have never seen if I hadn’t moved to Humble.

  Kinsley had just turned eighteen months and was walking around driving me crazy. The home on the land that Ford had purchased had been finished for a year now, and it was exactly what I wanted to raise our daughter in. She had light brown hair and his crystal blue eyes. I swear I could look at them and think I was looking at Ford.

  “And she runs, fakes to the left, fakes to the right, touchdown!” I watch Kinsley with her pink football covered with glitter from the princess crown she was wearing. She wore her blue Cinderella play high heels and somehow was able not to trip in them while running from her daddy.

  Ford caught her as she grinned up at him, and he tickled her. “You beat me again? My little princess is going to be a running back just like her daddy.”

  I stood, watching them play. She giggled as he tickled her, wearing a smile. There was no way in hell he would ever let her play football once she had grown up, but he sure liked to play with her now.

  I rubbed my hand over my growing stomach again, counting my blessings.
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br />   Ford had made a complete recovery from his surgery although it took a while. He had survived against the odds. His tumor was removed successfully, but he still had to undergo excruciating suffering through radiation and chemo. The chemo damn near killed him—his words, not mine—but he pulled through.

  Dr. Pelker had every bit of hope that he would although I could see in his eyes that he knew the odds were stacked against us.

  “Sometimes, will overrides fear,” he had said one time to Ford, and he had repeated that to me.

  Ford had gone back to work at the beginning of the year, and I had started to work part time at a business in town as a bookkeeper.

  Kinsley went to Carol and Terry’s when I worked, and they spoiled her rotten. Sometimes, my mother would come to town and spend time with us, and it was slowly getting less awkward. I couldn’t help but feel that Thad was playing a part in that.

  We would never be the perfect mother and daughter—hell, not even close—but I have learned to forgive her and see things a little differently.

  The road that we follow didn’t always stay the same, and I knew that better than anyone.

  It was easier to forgive than to hate, and that was a fact I could say I truly believed in.

  Ford had to go for an MRI every six months for a couple of years to monitor, but other than that, he got to live life. A life he didn’t take for granted.

  Miracles did happen, and although I honestly admit that I didn’t believe in them, I knew they did now.

  Love was what it was all about, and I knew in my heart that everything else doesn’t hold a candle next to it.