Gage’s mouth dropped. “So what was already a stressful situation for you was made even more so by her. Did something like that happen today when you took him out at the end of the fourth inning?”
She told him about the tantrum in the restroom. “Even when he stops crying, that doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the tantrum. Usually that’s only round one. Each subsequent round is a little shorter. Gage, I could go on all night, telling you about Justin. The fact of the matter is that I’ve learned to leave other people out of my situation. It’s just easier that way.”
“But what about people like Chad and Joy who want to help and who seem to know how to work with autistic children?”
“What they did was commendable. Most people have good intentions, but sometimes it make things even harder for him.”
“So, basically, you’re saying that you would prefer for others to mind their own business.”
“I just wish that the people who want to help me would be more sensitive to my needs.”
“How does your ex fit into this picture?”
“He doesn’t,” she said flatly, her lips forming a hard, straight line. “Justin saw a neurologist while Nick and I were still married. Dr. Callahan prescribed an EKG as well as genetic testing, to determine the likelihood of autism and seizure activity. The results were normal, but Nick insisted that Justin’s ‘defect’ came from me. He tried to convince me that I must have done something wrong during my pregnancy to jeopardize Justin’s health.”
“What did he accuse you of?” Gage said vehemently. “Pouring a gallon of gasoline down your throat to fry Justin’s brain?”
“No. Nick was just venting about the fact that no one really knows what causes autism. There are so many conflicting theories out there ranging from immunizations to hybridized foods. It wasn’t until after Nick and I divorced that Justin saw a developmental pediatrician who conducted the Childhood Autism Rating Scale or CARS test on him. At that time, Justin received his diagnosis.”
Gage gritted his teeth. “So what convinced you that it wasn’t your fault?”
“I asked my dad to give me a priesthood blessing in which I was given the knowledge that Heavenly Father gave Justin to us to help others learn tolerance and love.”
“How ironic that your ex-husband couldn’t figure that one out.”
“Yes.” Valerie nodded sadly. “Nick refuses to have anything to do with Justin.”
“That’s for the best.”
Valerie nodded and folded her arms across her middle as if talking about her ex-husband brought a physical ailment to her body. “Gage, your job offer was a life saver for me. These tests aren’t cheap. Neither are the specialists Justin sees.”
“How do you do it, Valerie? You’re always so calm.” Then, remembering her uncharacteristic fit while shoving him into the water, he clarified, “Well, almost always.”
“Please don’t put me on a pedestal, Gage. I’ve taken my turn being very angry at God. At times, I watch other perfect mothers in my ward and wonder why they weren’t given Justin instead. They could have cared for an autistic child better than I.”
With a heavy heart, Gage stared at her, instinctively realizing how difficult it was for her to reveal this side of herself. He knew what it felt like when reality left a glaring hole in a person’s idealistic dream.
Valerie took a deep breath while pulling her hand through her hair. “I also worry about Whitney with her visits with Nick every other weekend. When she comes home, I have to go through the process of undoing all the damage he’s done in two short days.”
“Damage?”
“She talks back to me. She thinks she doesn’t have to do anything I ask her to do. Nick makes sure our daughter knows that I am the one who broke up her family.”
Gage could only shake his head in disgust. He’d thought his marriage had been miserable. “This guy took you to the temple and promised to love you and take care of you. How did you keep believing in all that after what he did?”
“I’ve gone through counseling. I was definitely a mess when my marriage fell apart, but my family was there to pick me up. My bishop was incredibly supportive. I spent a lot of time being angry, but I still know that Heavenly Father really does care about me. He always seems to place certain people in my path when I need them.”
Like the way He’d placed Valerie in his path when Gage needed her?
Gage wondered how different their lives would have been had he been more of a friend straight from the beginning. She might have felt differently about him during their teenage years if he hadn’t riled her so much. Would she have given him a second thought? If he had then served his mission, might she have possibly waited for him? And if so, would Justin have eventually become their son? Gage hated to wonder if he might have placed the same ridiculous blame on Valerie that her ex-husband had.
Gage dished out vanilla ice cream. Zach and Whitney proceeded to see who could come up with the craziest combinations on their toppings, including strawberry syrup and sprinkles topped with gummy worms. Gross! Valerie thought.
Justin, of course, had been thrilled with the possibilities. When Valerie mentioned to Gage that his idea had been a winner for Justin, Gage quirked a brow. “How so?”
“I have found that Justin responds better to having choices, as long as there aren’t too many to choose from at one time.” He’d been a great reminder through the years that her parenting style needed to more closely match that of Heavenly Father’s.
“Well, then,” Gage said with a smile, holding out a dish filled with ice cream, “here’s to brilliant solutions to life’s challenges.”
They each took a bite of their ice cream before Valerie ventured the question she’d been wanting to ask for so long. “So are you going to tell me about that tattoo or not?” She smiled to soften her words.
“You really want to hear the story?”
“Yep. Spill it, Logan. It’s only fair since I spilled my guts to you.” When he hesitated, she couldn’t resist teasing him by lifting his sleeve to take another peek at the cute but out-of-place Sun Devil.
“Is it symbolic of your devilish good looks or devil-may-care personality?”
He laughed sardonically. “You really don’t have a very high opinion of me, do you?” She chuckled in return. This sense of camaraderie she was experiencing with Gage was something new and exciting, like nothing she’d ever felt before her. Somehow she felt freer and more alive than she had since she could remember.
The kids were just finishing their ice cream sundaes. Zach asked if they could play longer. Ruffling his hair, Valerie told them that they could play for five more minutes. Zach and the other two sprinted off.
Valerie looked up and found Gage staring at her with a glint in his eyes.
Raising her chin defiantly, she said, “Okay. I bought you five minutes. Be quick about it.”
“Yes, ma’am. Actually, this story is so lame, I’ll only need two.” He took a deep breath. “My frat brothers at ASU were big-time jokesters and party-goers.”
A wave of apprehension swept over Valerie. That was never a good combination.
“They made sure I was good and drunk and then dared me to go and get the tattoo of our mascot. I was too wasted to remember any of this at the time.”
“Are you telling me that they took you to get a tattoo without your consent?”
“At least I didn’t have to pay for it,” he said self-deprecatingly.
She gasped, incensed over his humiliation. “Not with money, but with your dignity!”
“I guess I have been paying for it ever since,” he replied soberly. “Especially when I went to work for the U of A and I met April. She saw the tattoo and taunted me about being a Sun Devil at heart. She became as much a challenge to me as I did to her. I guess in that way, we deserved each other. I may not have been the best husband to April, but at least I was faithful to her. She had no qualms about seeing other men while she was still married to me, though. She
used me to keep the peace between herself and her parents.”
Valerie’s heart constricted. April had played Gage for the fool he’d been. “When I was going through counseling, the best piece of advice I received is to learn from the mistakes of our past and move on. Sure, you’ve made some, but you’re trying to be a good father to Zach. And you’ve always provided for him. That’s more than you can say about a lot of dads.”
Gage’s brow furrowed. “I skipped town when April told me about the baby. I hired on as a sales consultant for the Diamondbacks—anything to get away from that situation. Now I regret that I didn’t see Zach’s first steps or hear his first words. You were right when you accused me of not sharing any of the responsibilities of his early years.”
Valerie laid her hand on his arm, willing him to stop being so hard on himself. “He’s adjusting well. Given time, this will only be a small blip in his memory.”
Gage’s eyes widened. “He may never remember his mother.”
“Keep a picture of her around. When he asks about her, let him know that she loved him the best way she knew how.”
The appreciative smile he sent her way melted her heart. A special warmth spread throughout her body from knowing they had worked through some difficult things and found some common ground.
Gage sat on the steps of his patio much later that night, staring up at the bluish-black sky, mentally replaying the conversation he had earlier with Valerie. He needed to get some sleep soon because he’d be dropping Zach off at her house in the morning for church.
He couldn’t believe it—his kid going to church. Gage grinned, recalling how easily Valerie had won that round. But like she’d said, they didn’t really need to keep score. Parenting wasn’t about who was right or wrong. It was about wanting what was best for the child.
So is marriage. Where had that thought come from? Maybe he was more tired than he thought. Marriage is about unconditionally loving and wanting what’s best for the other person. He’d been a selfish jerk when he married April. Now he wished that he could at least tell her how sorry he was.
“Daddy?”
Zach’s voice carrying from the kitchen broke through his thoughts. Gage quickly stood and made his way back inside to find Zach coming toward him where he’d left the back door open. “Hey, little man.” Now he was starting to sound like Valerie. “You should be tired after the fun day we had. What’s up?”
Picking Zach up, he carried his little boy to the couch where he’d talked to Valerie earlier that evening. “I had lots of fun with Justin and Whitney today,” he said happily.
“I did too.”
“And I like their mom a lot.”
Gage’s chest tingled as he smiled. He felt the same.
Then Zach’s smile dimmed. “But . . . I miss Mommy.” His voice became almost indistinctive with the sound of the crickets chirping outside.
“I know you do, Zach. You’ll probably always miss her.” If not April as a person, then the entity she represented. “Missing someone who has died is a hurt that never really goes away. But Heavenly Father makes up for it by sending other people in our lives to ease some of the pain.” He didn’t know if what he was saying made sense to Zach or not, but suddenly and with absolute clarity, he knew it was true.
“But will I see Mommy again?” Zach asked with all the urgency of a four-year-old.
“Well,” he hesitated, searching for the right words. “If everything I learned at church when I was young is true, then yes, you will.”
“You mean like the songs I’m learning in Primary? You learned them when you were a kid too?”
Gage had to smile at his son’s awe. This was, without a doubt, the best form of hero worship he’d experienced in a very long time. “Yeah. Heavenly Father knows you and loves you, Zach. I’m sure He wants you to be happy and will do everything He can to help you if you do your part.”
For the first time since he’d received his mission call, Gage felt like he could be given the same blessing, too, if he’d reach out for it. It was time to lay aside the selfishness and pettiness of the past and move forward. After sending Zach to bed with a hug, he walked over to a bookcase where a long-abandoned Book of Mormon lay. His mother had brought it over last year, claiming that she’d found his old set of scriptures among some books she’d stored away. Gage had shelved the volume with no real intention of ever looking at it again. Somehow it seemed disrespectful to throw it away.
Now he dusted off the cover and brought it to the couch, flipping it open to read the account of Alma the Younger once again. He continued reading into the night until he came to Alma 44 when the Nephites were fighting the Lamanites. Zerahemnah, the ferocious leader of the Lamanite army, tried to destroy the Nephite army, but the Nephites gained the advantage and warned him to back off. Zerahemnah failed to comply, which resulted in his gruesome scalping.
Gage pondered Zarahemnah’s fate. Instead of listening to the Nephites’ warning, he decided to proceed with his angry pursuit. At what point had it become too late for him to turn back? Where was the line drawn? Feeling certain that pride and anger motivated Zarahemnah’s actions, Gage couldn’t help but see the parallel in his own life. Letting go of those two emotions could change everything.
Valerie loved her little Primary class. There was Becca, who was sweet but shy, and Dylan, who was a little mischievous but impressed her with his brilliant answers. Braden told taller tales than anyone she’d ever heard and Isabelle didn’t like to be the last in line for anything. Lindsey could try the patience of a saint with her dramatics but could also melt the coldest heart with her endearing smile. And then there was Zach who hadn’t even known what Primary was, had never heard the words prophets, scriptures, or baptism, and who didn’t know any of the songs until a few weeks ago.
Time was on her side, however. He had a lot of catching up to do, but he was quick like Dylan. When Valerie and the kids came home from church, she sat them down at the kitchen table to feed them lunch, asking Whitney and Justin to teach a few new songs to Zach. By the time they’d finished eating their grilled cheese sandwiches and carrot sticks, Zach had learned the words to “I’m Trying to Be Like Jesus” and “Book of Mormon Stories.” Valerie’s heart swelled with pride much like it had when Justin said his first words or Whitney learned to tie her shoes.
Wait a minute, she cautioned herself. Zach is not your child. He is only in your care temporarily. She needed to remind herself that Gage would have the final say on whether or not Zach would continue going to church once he no longer needed childcare. But she was determined to help him learn all she could.
When the Diamondbacks left for a ten-game road trip on Wednesday, Gage’s work schedule changed, leaving Valerie to watch Zach from 8:00 a.m. till 6:00 p.m. when he arrived to pick him up. Valerie took all three children to Kiera’s house for swim lessons on Thursday morning, then took them to the public swimming pool on Friday afternoon for more practice.
On Sunday, she drove to Gage’s house to pick Zach up for church. Gage answered the door, looking like a man of leisure in his long shorts and rumpled T-shirt with his hair askew. “Growing your hair out?” She grinned at the dark strands that covered the tips of his ears.
“I haven’t had time to get a haircut.” He stepped aside to allow her to enter. “Zach’s almost ready. I was just helping him with his shoes.”
Just then, Zach came around the corner looking quite charming in his white shirt, black dress pants, and diagonally striped tie with his blond hair gelled to perfection. Gage had probably spent more time sprucing him up than Valerie had spent on her own appearance. Whitney and Justin had a tendency to monopolize her prep time on most Sunday mornings. Today, though, Whitney was with her father so Valerie had at least been able to put on a little makeup and twist her hair into a French knot.
“Hi, Zach,” she said cheerfully, offering him her hand to grab ahold of. “Ready to go to church?”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
“Okay.”
She took one step, lifting her head to say good-bye to Gage, when she caught the momentary look of longing on his face. Startled, she almost missed a step. “Gage, would you like to come with us?”
The second the words were out, she regretted them. His jaw tightened for a split second before he carefully schooled his features into an air of nonchalance. “No thanks. I’ve got some chores to catch up on here.” Fingering his longish hair thoughtfully, he added, “Maybe I’ll get that haircut now.”
Swallowing her disappointment, she placed what she hoped was a non-threatening smile on her face. “No problem. Enjoy your day off. I’ll bring Zach home as soon as church ends.”
The familiar strains of prelude music welcomed them as they entered the chapel and Valerie quickly found a seat near the back. When Valerie had first divorced Nick, she’d felt conspicuous coming to church as a single parent. She’d hated the feeling that everyone was staring at her. Over time, she’d learned that she wasn’t the only single parent there and that she’d been foolish to let her insecurities impede her spiritual progress.
She’d cleared that hurdle only to face a new one every week while trying to keep her kids quiet enough to hear the speakers. Attending sacrament meeting could be a high-calorie-burning workout with little ones at times. Valerie was bending over to retie Justin’s shoe when Zach accidentally spilled all the crayons from the box. As soon they finished picking them up, Zach announced rather loudly that he needed to use the restroom. Valerie sighed in chagrin. They hadn’t even taken the sacrament yet.
Ten minutes later, with her attention still on Zach, who was choosing which crayon he wanted to use next—Valerie had decided to hold them in her hand so he wouldn’t spill them again—her heart beat double time as Justin was suddenly lifted into the air by a pair of strong arms. Her gaze flew up in astonishment as Gage lowered his body next to hers, setting Justin on his lap. Zach looked up, smiling when he saw his dad.
The Matchup Page 13
