by Amanda Cain
"Ryan, I'm talking about Ryan."
"Dammit, Char! You need to start making some sense!"
"Bob knows him!" she said. "The bastard won't tell me how and he won't say much, but he asked me to tell you to trust him."
"Bob knows Ryan? From before the barbecue at your house?"
"Yes! I have been arguing with him for the last hour, but he won't tell me anything! He knows about Ryan's daughter, and he's met Ryan's wife."
"You mean ex-wife."
"No, I mean wife."
"What?"
Ryan is married and has been since he was seventeen, but they are not living together.
"Why aren't they divorced?" My eyes teared up.
"Bob won't say. Em, I'm sorry, but that is all he would tell me. Whatever else Ryan is hiding, he thinks it is important Ryan tells you himself. I am so mad at Bob for not telling me this sooner! I only got this much out of him when I told him about Ryan's daughter coming to see you."
"I can't believe Bob knows him," I said.
"I know, Em. I'm pissed, but if Bob says you should trust Ryan—I can't believe I'm saying this … you should call Ryan."
"I don't need to."
"Why?"
"Because he is coming here."
"What? When?"
"I'm not sure, but I think tonight."
"The panda?"
"Yup."
"Good luck, Em. Stay calm, try to figure out what's real."
"Thanks, Char. I love you. Bob's in big trouble."
"Love you too, and yes he is." We hung up.
Exhausted, I couldn't think. I needed a nap. Ryan can't possibly show up tonight. Hell, if he was in Chicago, I was sure he wouldn't. I stripped my clothes off and for some stupid reason put on Ryan's shirt and crawled into bed.
Four hours later, I heard loud banging on my door. Sierra started barking. Still groggy from my nap, I went to the door. I left the chain on and peeked through the crack. Ryan stood on the other side of the door, looking frustrated and angry.
I let him in. Standing in the hallway, he glared at me like I had done something horrible and unforgivable. I had forgotten that all I had on was his shirt and my panties. "I'm sorry, I just woke up. I didn't expect you to be here so soon."
"I can't believe you're wearing that." His cold gaze ripped right through me as he stared at me. "You said now was a good time, so here I am. I kept my part of the deal. Now please keep yours and give me Pooka so I can get out of here."
His deep voice was distant and his piercing green eyes were full of disdain and distrust. I searched my brain for a way to stall him, some way of opening up dialogue so I could find out what changed … why he was so angry.
There was another loud knock on the door. We both turned toward the door which was still unlocked.
Randy and John came barging in. "Sweetie, are you okay?" John asked in his usual feminine, overly dramatic way. Randy's arm draped protectively around John as he glared at Ryan. They were shirtless; it was obvious we had interrupted them.
"Why are you back?" Randy snarled impatiently. He turned toward me. "We heard some lunatic hammering on your door. Is everything alright?"
"Yes, guys, everything is fine. I appreciate you looking after me though."
Ryan stood there looking dumbfounded.
"Come on, John, we've got some business of our own to finish. Em, you scream if you need me. I'm right next door," Randy said, eyeing Ryan suspiciously as he pulled the door shut behind him.
Ryan still said nothing.
I walked to the refrigerator and opened two beers. "We need to talk."
"Those are your neighbors?"
"Yeah, Randy and John. I tried to introduce you to Randy yesterday, but you were … well … not in the mood."
"Randy is your gay neighbor?" he said, letting each word hang in the air like he was still processing the thought.
"Yes, Ryan. What are you homophobic or something?" My own anger started to build.
"No, no, Em. I'm not homophobic. What I am is an idiot," he said, his eyes now traveling freely over my body.
"Ryan, I don't understand any of this. What is going on?"
"I have a lot to explain." He started walking toward me. "You may never want to see me again when I do." He took the beer from my hand.
Was he serious? Was he seriously going to try to seduce me now? After all this? And was I going to let him?
That was the last rational thought I had before his lips touched mine.
Chapter 24
Emma
Picking me up, he carried me to the bedroom. Ryan put me down at the edge of the bed and unbuttoned my shirt.
"Once again I believe this belongs to me, and I'm afraid I must ask you to remove it." He undid the last button and slid it off my shoulders then gently pulled off my underwear.
"Em, I missed you so much," he continued as he took off his own clothes and pulled me down on the bed with him.
We lay naked, facing each other. Ryan reached up and brushed the hair away from my face. Despite everything that had happened, lying naked in bed with Ryan felt right. Being with him was always as comfortable as if I'd known him all my life and as exciting as if I'd just met him.
"You may want me to leave after I share the details of my life, so what I am hoping is that before we go down that road, you crawl on top of me and let me …"
I wanted the same thing. I thought for a second about Bob telling Char I should trust him. I straddled him, slipped him inside me, and let my lips touch his.
"Thank you, Em. Thank you! You are the most fantastic woman I've ever known." He groaned.
My body ached for him. We moved meticulously slow in no hurry for this to ever end. He rolled us over, penetrating me as he explored my mouth with his tongue. We both came close to coming several times but stopped short, neither one of us ready to finish, loving the sensation of being together.
We had been intimate often in the past, every time fantastic, but this was different. This was making love. This was never wanting to let go, needing to be a part of each other in whatever way possible.
"I want to be inside you forever." He leaned in and kissed me, the rhythm of his kiss mimicking the force of his penetration. At first, each thrust was slow and deliberate then harder and deeper. His kiss, his touch, my awareness of him pushing into me, everything he did made every nerve ending in my body scream. I had missed him so much!
My orgasm was so intense while I gazed into Ryan's mesmerizing green eyes. My breath caught in my throat. I didn't say it out loud, but the words “I love you” floated dangerously around the perimeters of my brain once again.
We lay there entangled in each other's arms, neither one of us speaking until my phone went off. I groaned and leaned my body over Ryan's to reach the nightstand. Randy was texting me.
Randy: Hey, love, everything good?
Em: Everything is wonderful. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love ya! I quickly texted back.
Ryan was caressing my back as I texted. "Your neighbor?"
"Yes, he's checking on me. He wanted to make sure you weren't holding me against my will." I laughed.
"Hmm, am I? Cause that kind of sounds like fun." His lips curled up into an evil grin. "I'm glad there is someone who lives close by looking after you, and I'm also glad he's gay." He smiled. "I suppose we need to talk," Ryan said as he got out of bed, pulling me up with him. "What would you like to drink?" He put on his boxers.
"I'm out of wine, so I'll just have some water."
He started tugging on his pants back on. "Don't put clothes on. I love looking at you."
"No worries, I'll be right back. Making a quick trip to my truck."
He came back in carrying an expensive bottle of chardonnay from Chateau Montelena, Napa Valley.
"Where did this come from?"
He wrapped his arms around me. "I bought it for you as a way to thank you for putting up with everything yesterday, my daughter calling and popping in on you unannounced," he sai
d. "Except I was too busy being an asshole to bring it in with me." Opening the bottle, he poured me a glass. "Now it hardly covers all the things I want to thank you for. Em, if you hang in there, stay with me, I promise, somehow I will make things right." Ryan caressed my cheek and ran his hand down my back.
"We need to talk." I pulled myself away from him. "And I'm afraid talking is not what will be on my mind if you keep touching me."
"That's my girl, insatiable!" He took a step toward me, kissed my forehead, and backed away with his hands in the air. So, where do we begin?"
"First, I want to understand what happened … why were you upset with me? Why did you stop all communication?"
"Because I'm an idiot. I called you and a man answered your phone."
"I tried to explain that, but you never gave me a chance!"
"I'm sorry. I see that now. It's not an excuse, but my past experience with my wife has caused me to have some trust issues when it comes to women. Just the thought … the idea of you being with someone else tore me up. I was going to call you, but I couldn't face you telling me it wasn't fun anymore and that you had moved on."
I heard my own words thrown back at me, and they stung. "Ryan, I …"
"Shh, let me finish. I decided it was for the best that whoever this guy was he could provide for you more than I could. He could offer you love and forever. I cared too much about you. I didn't want to hurt you any more than I may have already."
Ryan's words hit hard. Someone else could offer me love me, but he couldn't … was that what he was saying?
"Keep going," I said.
"Then I saw you at the Wildflower Café with Randy. He had his arms around you, and you were laughing."
"You saw me? And you thought Randy and I were together?"
"Yes, I did, and I should have asked you instead of jumping to conclusions." Ryan tried to put his arms around me.
"No …" I backed away from him. "You hurt me. You were going to walk away, give up on whatever this is because you didn't have enough confidence in me to ask me?"
"Yes … no …" he said. "Not if everything were normal. But it isn't, Em. Things are not normal. I thought it was better to let you go then involve you in all my craziness."
"And now? What's changed? Are you now willing to involve me in all your craziness?"
"Yes, if you will let me," he said honestly. "I want you in my life. I want to share things with you, but I'm also scared. Scared that what I can give you isn't enough … isn't fair to you," he said, unable to look me in the eyes.
"What, Ryan? What can't you give me?"
He stared at me with piercing green eyes. Anxious and shaken, I stared back at him, waiting for his answer.
"The whole package, Em. I can't offer you the complete package."
"What exactly is the whole package?"
Ryan sighed. "Love, marriage, and forever after."
There it was again. Was he saying he could never love me?
We had just made love. We didn't fuck. For the first time, we had made love. I swallowed my pride. I had to be sure I understood.
"Ryan, are you saying you don't think you could ever love me?" I was so afraid of his answer I squeezed my eyes shut, as if not looking at him would make his answer easier to swallow.
"What?! No, Em, that is not what I'm saying."
I felt Ryan cup my face with his hands. "The problem is I do love you. I am in love with you."
I opened my eyes. "You do?"
"Yes, Em, I do."
No words had ever had such an impact on me. My heart was racing, and I was consumed with pure elation. There were still so many things about Ryan I didn't know, but what I did know was right then, at that moment, my life had changed.
Before he could say another word and spoil my euphoria, I pushed him down on the bed. "Take your clothes off," I demanded.
This time it was primal. We went at it like two animals in heat, and he was right: when it came to him, I was insatiable. No matter how much he fucked me, I still wanted more. I would never get enough of Ryan, never grow tired of him, never stop loving him.
Once spent, lying in bed caressing each other, I allowed myself to finally acknowledge it and said it out loud. "I love you, Mr. Ryan Smith."
He flinched. "You realize it is kind of cheesy to say I love you for the first time after making love." He tucked a wild strand of hair falling over my eye behind my ear.
I shook my head. "That rule only applies to men. It is only cheesy if a man says I love you after or during sex."
"Oh, I see … the old double standard." He laughed. "Can you please stop calling me Mr. Smith?"
"One of the many things we need to talk about, I assume?"
Ryan's eyes flickered. "Yes, yes it is. Now that you've had your way with me, can I continue with my confessions?"
I laid my head on his chest. "Not now. Whatever else there is to this saga can wait. As long as you love me, we can handle all the rest of the problems later. Right now, I want to enjoy being in your arms."
He kissed my forehead—he did that to annoy me now—and I fell asleep.
Chapter 25
Emma
When I awoke, the sun was beginning to set and the room was growing dark.
"Hi, beautiful." Ryan pulled me up out of bed. "Back to confessions."
"Food first, I'm starving."
"Pizza is on its way, and Sierra has been fed and walked."
"Whoa, how long have you been up?"
"About ten minutes after you dozed off. Couldn't sleep. I ran into Randy while walking Sierra. We shared a beer and discussed what a dumbass I am. He seems like a good guy. Did you know he collects guns? Glad I didn't piss him off even more."
"Me too." I laughed. "We go to the shooting range together whenever we have time."
"I've got a target practice area set up at the house in Evergreen. I'd like to see how good of a shot you are. That way I'll know how worried I should be when I make you mad."
"Oh, you should be worried. I'm an excellent shot."
"Didn't you say that about air hockey?" He laughed.
"I just let you win so you'd do perverted things to me," I said. "Wait … Melissa mentioned you staying in Evergreen with your sister, so do you have a house there?
"I do, but I stay in Chicago most of the time because of Melissa."
The pizza arrived. He paid the delivery guy and set the boxes in the kitchen. "Come on, come sit and eat so I can get my confessional over with. I'm starting to think you're avoiding the subject."
I pulled two beers from the fridge and offered Ryan one.
"You might be right. I hate the thought of anything spoiling this day."
I took a bite of my pizza. "Okay, let's try this again. Melissa's mom … let's start there.
"I met her my senior year of high school. I was a football jock, math geek, on the debate club, and a virgin."
"You were a virgin in your senior year of high school? That's hard to believe."
"And you weren't?"
I blushed. "This story is about you, not me, Mr. Smith, so keep talking."
"Yes, I was a virgin. Stuck on third base. I didn't grow into my good looks until my senior year, after finally getting my braces off." He flashed me my favorite half-smile. "Even then, except for being on the football team, I was a complete nerd. Loved reading and learning. Lindsey, Melissa's mom, was that girl … you know, the one who rules the school. Definitely, not a scholar, put pretty hot back then." He shook his head. "We started dating and fooling around. Long story short, she got pregnant. She claimed to be on the pill, said she had gone to the free clinic. I believed her. What seventeen-year-old boy could turn down a hot sixteen-year-old girl?"
"The classic love story," I joked and kissed his cheek.
"My sister hated her from the start and it put a bit of a rift between Myla and me. She swears Lindsey got pregnant on purpose. Fuck, maybe she's right. I thought I needed to do the right thing so, at seventeen, I married Lindsey, and w
e moved her into my parents’ home. My parents didn't warm up to her either, but they supported us in our decision to keep the baby."
I tried to imagine what it would be like to marry the only person you had ever been with at seventeen. I couldn't. To get married with no life experiences and then be thrown into the ultimate life experience by having a child. No way! I would have taken a different route. I had a whole new admiration for Ryan.
"Lindsey did not do pregnancy well. She complained and whined throughout, never happy. She dropped out of school, which had been the one thing Lindsey enjoyed. After Melissa was born, Lindsey paid little attention to her. No motherly instincts kicked in at all. I had graduated and started working at night while taking care of Melissa and Lindsey during the day."
"What about your parents? Did they help out?"
Ryan took a deep breath. "They died in a car accident a few days after my eighteenth birthday. They never got to meet Melissa. She was born a month after they died."
"Oh, Ryan, I am so sorry. That must have been tough." I leaned in, caressing his arm.
"Yeah, both my sister and I were wrecks. I became Myla's legal guardian, a husband, and a dad all shortly after turning eighteen."
Holy shit, considering everything he had gone through, I could understand why he had been wary of jumping into a relationship with me. No matter how right it felt. I couldn't imagine all that pressure at such a young age. He was responsible for a baby, a sister, and a wife. As an only child with two parents, I guess I had it pretty easy.
"Lindsey and Myla fought all the time, and Lindsey got so fucking lazy. She wouldn't work, clean, or cook. She only did the bare minimum for Melissa, and she wanted nothing to do with me. Things sucked, and I was too damn young to handle it all.
"Myla met her husband, Stan, when she was eighteen. Shortly after, she moved in with him. He is a lot older than her, and at first, it made me uneasy. I worried that she may have used him as a way to get away from the house, from Lindsey and all the tension, but it turned out to be the real thing for her."
"Ryan, I'm not understanding … if it isn't working for you and your wife, why don't you divorce?" I could see the sadness in his body language. He was hurting and had been for a long time.
