by Amanda Cain
"I wish it were that simple. The story gets worse. Lindsey seemed somewhat better once Myla moved out, so I enrolled at CU in Boulder to get my degree in business. I got a temporary apartment in Boulder and moved Lindsey and Melissa in while I went to school. For a short time, I was happy. I excelled in academics. It came pretty easy for me. But then I started enjoying the college life a little too much. I stayed out, I slept with other women, and then I did something really stupid. I should have known better as a father with a four-year-old."
He shook his head and continued as his eyes examined the floor. "I was at a campus party. A friend and I had arranged to meet a guy to buy some drugs. My friend called and said he had to drop off a paper with one of his professors, but he would meet me at the party in a few minutes. The dealer was already there, so I decided to meet with him by myself. The next thing I knew, I was wearing handcuffs and being busted for possession of narcotics. It took place on school property. I was expelled with less than a year left until graduation. I was over twenty-one, so I was charged with a felony. I was ordered house arrest for six months. Prison would've been easier. I had no escape. Lindsey was there every day, and not a single day went by that she didn't remind me of how stupid I was."
"I still don't get it. So when you were young you did something foolish, but what has that got to do with you not getting divorced?" I asked.
"I am a felon. I have a record and a reputation. I talked to my attorney again when I went back to Chicago this last time. The court system favors the mother in child custody cases unless gross negligence can be proved."
I tried to process what he was saying. "What about joint custody. Surely you could get joint custody of Melissa?"
“If Lindsey wants to fight joint custody, and she will, there is a good chance she will win."
“Why? How? You seem like a great father.”
"I like to think I'm a great dad, but I've done a lot of stupid things. Lindsey doesn't want a divorce and has threatened to make sure I never see Melissa again if I file for one. So as long as I don't divorce her, I'm allowed to see my daughter." His voice only slightly betrayed his pain. "At the moment, Lindsey is in control at least until Melissa turns eighteen."
"Why doesn't she want a divorce? Does she still love you?"
Ryan threw his half-eaten piece of pizza back in the box. "No, she doesn't love me, never did. She doesn't even like me. I don't know why she doesn't want a divorce. I've asked her, but she won't give me a straight answer. We've never had much of a relationship. She has never shared her feelings with me, and we don't really talk unless it's about Melissa.
"I think in some way she believes she needs me. I can't really explain it … Hell, I'm just guessing. She has never really been close to anyone since high school, but it's not like I do anything for her. All we do is fight." He shrugged.
"Lindsey's parents were distant and cold. I guess that's where Lindsey gets it from. Once her mom and dad divorced, her dad disappeared, and her mom didn't seem to care about anything. She never acted like a grandmother and barely acknowledges Melissa's existence.
"When Lindsey got pregnant and dropped out of school, she lost contact with her high school friends. The girl I met in my senior year was vivacious, the life of the party. It was easy to get caught up in her energy. Soon after we got married, that changed. She withdrew from me and then from Melissa once she was born. I've read recently about postpartum depression and wondered if maybe that had been at least part of Lindsey's problem. Or, maybe she is just a bitch who hates and resents me for getting her pregnant. I really don't know.
"When she moved to Chicago, I agreed to come with her but refused to stay in the same house. She threatened me saying she would keep me away from Melissa."
"I thought you had your own apartment in Chicago. Are you living with Lindsey?"
My heart was racing. I wasn't prepared for that possibility. Bob had told Char they weren't living together.
"No, about six months ago, she finally agreed to let me move out, but she still doesn't want a divorce. I know Lindsey has been going out more with friends, but who these friends are … I have no idea. If fear of being alone is her problem, new friends in her life might make it easier for me to convince her to agree to an amicable divorce…” he hesitated and took my hand in his “…but, for now, Em, it gets worse."
"Worse?" What could be worse than losing your parents at eighteen and being in a loveless marriage for fourteen years or longer?
"It isn't only that she won't divorce me. It doesn't matter to Lindsey how many women I fuck, it never has, but if she finds out I'm in love with someone, she will stop allowing me to see Melissa. "
"What? That's crazy. Can she do that? She doesn't mind if you are with another woman as long as you don't end up caring?"
"Exactly. I'm sure she realized that if I'm in love with someone else, I will have to find a way to divorce her. But until you, it hasn't mattered to me. Lindsey kind of ruined the idea of a loving relationship for me. I'm not proud of it, but an occasional one-night stand was all I wanted."
"So, I was supposed to be a one-night stand?"
Ryan stared at me, his piercing green eyes flickering. A cocky smile crept across his face. "You knew that was my intent, but it took us both about two seconds to figure out there was more to us and one night was never going to be enough." He approached me with caution, tilted my head up, and kissed me. "There is no such thing as enough when it comes to you."
I pulled away from him. "So, now what? We sneak around for years until Melissa turns eighteen?"
"Em, I do not blame you if you want to walk away. None of this is fair to you."
Ryan turned away. He didn't want to look at me, surely afraid of what might come next.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight. I'm exhausted and need time to think."
"Would you like me to leave?" he asked, fear radiating in his gaze. Ryan's expressive emerald eyes often gave away his feelings. He may keep secrets, but his eyes told the truth.
"No, come to bed with me and hold me."
"Deal." He let out his breath and put his arm around me as we walked down the hall. Once in bed, I asked, "When do you have to go back?"
"I need to pick up Melissa on Monday. She'll be staying with me for the week."
I lay there, savoring his touch as his fingers caressed my arms, my head on his chest. I wished I could get to know his daughter. How would this work? Would I see him every other weekend? That would grow old fast—it already had. I wanted more time with him now than he could give me.
* * *
I woke up early and wanted to go for a run to clear my head. As Ryan slept, I lifted his arm up and snuck out from underneath it. Standing at the edge of the bed watching him, I sighed. It would be so easy to crawl back into bed and on top of him. But instead, I put my jogging shorts on, left a note tacked to the fridge, called Sierra, and left for my run.
As I ran, I replayed everything Ryan had told me in my head. No immediate answers came to mind, but we would find a way, we would figure it out, and we would be together. I had never felt this sure about someone, not even my ex, Craig. Oh my God, I'm in love! I laughed out loud. So this was it, I was in it, and I was staying.
Back at the house, I heard Ryan in the shower. Stripping out of my sweaty clothes, I hopped in with him. His smile was big enough to match his growing erection. "I was afraid you changed your mind," he said.
"Sorry, baby, you are not getting rid of me that easily. Now, what do you think about putting that thing to good use?" I said, looking down at his giant hard-on.
"What an excellent idea." As the water beat down on us, he turned me against the wall and began washing me, running the bar of soap over my nipples and down my belly, working his way between my inner thighs. His muscular body leaned into my back, pressing into my butt. My own juices flowed in response to his firmness against me. I was torn between reciprocating and succumbing to the ecstasy as his powerful hands caressed me.
I turned to take the soap and do the same for him, but he clasped my hands above my head and pushed me against the wall as he explored the inside of my mouth.
I let out a soft cry as his long fingers entered me, his thumb playing with my clit and rubbing it in small circles. I was breathing heavy, desire building as I panted. How was it possible to want someone so much?
"Em," he whispered as his thumb continued its assault on my clit. "I'm so happy I met you, I want you more than I have ever wanted anyone."
It was like he read my mind. I was so happy, so excited, and so in love, I wanted to cry.
"You alright, babe?" Ryan asked.
"Yes, yes, don't stop," I whimpered.
He turned the water off and scooped me up in his arms, stepping out of the bathroom. He carried me to the bed and laid me down. Spreading my legs, he peppered me with little butterfly kisses as he traveled up my thighs.
"I'm ready now," I pleaded.
"Shh, I want this. I need this."
I gave in and relaxed as he started to tease me, circling my entrance, licking me and rubbing his tongue against my clit. He brought his hand up, and his fingers, first one and then another penetrated me while his tongue assaulted me, flicking and circling my clit until I could no longer take it. "Ryan, I'm going to …"
"Let go, baby. I want to taste you. I want to feel you come."
Like I had a choice. I exploded in the most mind-blowing orgasm. The sensations ran through my entire body, engulfing me in an uncontrollable wave of pleasure. I was pulsating and quivering, my body trembling. I was no longer conscious of Ryan. I was lost in my own desire, feeling every nerve ending, every sensation as it shot through me. I was in another realm, one that I didn't want to leave. Not ever.
As I became conscious of my surroundings again, I was a little embarrassed for allowing the pleasure to consume me. Ryan, resting his head on one elbow, was watching me.
"Welcome back." He smiled. Pushing the hair out of my face, he pulled me on top of him.
I found the strength to straddle him as he put his enormous cock inside me. I swear his erection was even bigger than normal. "Oh my God." I breathed as I slid down on his rod.
He grabbed my butt and leaned me forward. I rubbed up against him, rolling my hips, and he helped lift me up and down his shaft faster as he gripped my butt tighter. "Yes, yes!" I couldn't believe I was about to come again.
As soon as I came, Ryan allowed himself to let go. "Em, I don't care if it's cheesy to say it now, I love you. I fucking love you so much!" he shouted as he came.
Exhausted, I lay there with him still inside me, both of us completely euphoric.
Chapter 26
Emma
We woke up in each other's arms with Sierra at the bottom of the bed. The perfect family. I smiled. I found myself wondering what life would be like if we were married, and I got to wake up next to him every day.
Clearing that thought from my head, I glanced at the clock. It was 6:00 AM. Only one more night with Ryan.
He was watching me as I looked at the clock. "Let's not waste time. I want you to stay the night at my house. I've never invited a woman to my house before."
"Oh, I feel so privileged!"
"As you should," he said, grabbing me and putting me over his knee, tickling me while I pleaded for mercy.
"Ryan, there are some things on my mind that I need to ask."
"Uh oh …" He hesitated. "Go ahead, ask."
"I'm thinking Smith is not your last name?"
"You are correct. Smith is not my last name. Could you please hold off on asking me until tonight? If you ask me, I will tell you. I won't lie, but I'm not ready. I have not told you everything, and if I tell you my last name, you'll Google me and discover the few things I haven't gone into detail about yet."
"So tell me now whatever it is you're not telling me!"
"I will tell you later, just not yet.
"Soon?"
"Yes, I promise. Tonight. Next question?"
"This last trip away, when you thought we were over, did you … were you with anyone else?"
He took a deep breath and exhaled. My heart began to sink, and a dull ache pulled at the pit of my stomach. Why did I ask? My hands started shaking, and I felt all the blood drain from my face.
"Em …" He took a step closer.
I backed away. "Tell me."
"There's this woman, Jenna, the mom of one of Melissa's friends." I tasted the salt from my tears as they made their way down my cheeks and across my lips.
"Please don't cry. Not much happened, but I promised to be honest."
"Go on."
He went to hold my hand, and I pulled away. "For Christ's sake, Emma, please!"
"Tell me first. I need you to talk to me without touching me."
"When I called you, and your neighbor answered your phone, I thought you were seeing someone else. Jealously and anger consumed me, and yet I knew I had no right to be mad. At the time, I thought it was for the best, and I should leave you alone. I know there's no excuse, but I was upset. You had moved on, and I had to let you. I didn't feel like I had the right to fight for you. I had met Jenna a few days earlier when I picked up Stacy, Melissa's friend, to take them to the zoo. Jenna had come on to me, but I ignored her. I had you and you were all I needed."
My mind was racing in different directions. A trip to the zoo? I would love to go the zoo with him and Melissa, to be a real part of his life! If this woman was the mom of one of Melissa's friends, he will run into her again and often.
Of course, she came on to him, who wouldn't? Who was I kidding? No way could I hold on to this man. I started hyperventilating.
"Emma, honey, stop!"
"Finish the story!" My voice rose along with my frustration. Someone had invaded my bubble, slithered their way into this perfect, unrealistic illusion that I had created in my mind for Ryan and me. Now here was another woman entering my territory, waiting to pounce, to grab him and take him back to his world of meaningless carefree sex!
"I went to her house and sat in my car. I wouldn't have gone in if she hadn't seen me and came running out. But, Emma, all I did was kiss her!"
"Did you run your hands through her hair? Did you caress her body or touch her ass?" I asked, doubt and fear dominating my voice.
"Yes, I did those things, but only for a second. Em, I did not fuck her! I couldn't. You were in my head. I went to her house wanting to fuck you out of my mind, but I couldn't. I didn't want anyone else. I have not wanted anyone else from the moment I saw you."
"Have you seen her since?"
"Yes, on occasion. She goes to my gym, so we run into each other. But not in that way. There is nothing sexual going on. I only see her at the gym or if I'm dropping off Melissa at Stacy's."
I hated the visual of him touching anyone else. His hands, his large, beautiful hands, gliding over her body, his soft lips touching hers.
Ryan moved in to try and hug me, but I backed away. He grabbed my arms and pulled me closer to him. I buried my head in his chest as my tears wet his shirt.
"Em, I …"
"You were going to walk away from us because you thought I was with someone else. I wasn't with anyone else. You were. How could you switch gears so quickly?"
"It wasn't like that. I wasn't with her. Em, I should never have gone to her house. I'm sorry. I've made a lot of mistakes. Don't let this ruin us, please." He had been caressing my hair and holding me close to his chest as he talked.
I took a step away from him and searched his eyes. He did what he did, but he told me the truth. "Are you going to run into someone else's arms every time we fight or have a misunderstanding?"
I saw the hurt flicker in his eyes. "Fuck, Em, is that what you think? Do you really believe that's who I am?"
"No, I don't." I dug my face back into his chest. "I'm just hurt. She is the mom of one of Melissa's friends, so I understand that you will see her again. Never, ever be in a room with her without your daugh
ter! And switch gyms! I don't want you to be in the same room with her unless it is to pick up Melissa's friend, and Melissa is in the room with you."
"Deal. Em, you have my word. It will never happen again." He tipped my chin up and kissed me. "Are we still going to Evergreen?"
"Yes, but I need to give Char a quick call. I'm sure she's wondering what's going on." I stepped out the back door and dialed her number.
"Emma, where the hell have you been? I was waiting for you to call. Talk to me. Tell me what he's said. Is he still at your house?"
"Slow down, Char. He mentioned his wife and how she won't give him a divorce, but they don't live together. He has a house in Evergreen. We are going there today."
"Is that it? He didn't tell you anything else?"
"No. What else is there? What aren't you telling me? You're holding back. You have never been capable of keeping a secret! And why do you sound so excited?"
"I don't know what you mean. Bob is standing here. I have to go." I heard the phone click off.
I gathered she didn't want to talk in front of Bob and decided to try her back later.
Ryan stood by the front door, waiting. "Ready to head out?"
"Sure." I had packed my small overnight bag and started to grab Sierra's food dishes when he stopped me.
"You won't need those. She has her own food and bowls at my house. She's been there already. She came with me a few times when you were at work," he said casually.
"Traitor!" I admonished Sierra, who stood on her hind legs and gave me hug. "You big baby, you're forgiven." I laughed.
We rode in silence as I ran the events of the past day through my head. Eventually, I peeked over at Ryan, who was smiling to himself. "Well, you look pleased with yourself, Mr. Smith," I said.
"You're kind of a smartass." He reached over and squeezed my hand. "And I've never been more pleased … well except for maybe last night when you were on top of me."
"Now who's the smart ass?" I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
He slowed down as we turned on a narrow road. The land on both sides was maintained and fenced. It had to be a lot of work to keep up that property.
