House of Cards

by Pinson, K.

  “Shortly after your dad passed away. Something happened…something bad. I fucked up. You didn’t deserve it…but the selfish part of me thought that when you woke up from the hospital asking for me, that I could fix it. I could make you forget about it, well, if you ever got your memory back, and I could make you love me again. I had this delusion that the only reason we broke up was because of my mistake and had it not been for that, we would have been married by now; you and me against the world, like we had planned when we were young. Now I see…we were never meant to be. Not for the long haul.” I raise my hand to silence her. I don’t know how much more of this I can hear. The conviction in her voice tells me that she knows a lot more than I do about my situation. That in itself is enough to drive me fucking mad. True to Krissi fashion, she doesn’t give a fuck that I attempt to silence her. She takes another calming inhale and starts again.

  “You and she belong together. She does shit for you that I’ll never be able to - I’ve heard that from both your family and your friends. They pretty much hate me right now and I understand it, but I couldn’t miss taking this chance. I couldn’t stop myself from this opportunity to temporarily erase the past and just see… but the spark between us is gone. It’s fucked up for me to keep playing this charade for you in hopes that you will love me the way that I crave. I realize now that you can’t. Your heart belongs to someone else. It fucking kills me to the core to admit that, though.” She attempts to laugh, anything to get the tears that haven’t stopped streaming down her face since she began talking to stop. She’s never been the type of girl to show pain. She usually just grins and bares it, not wanting her confidence to be outwardly diminished. Confusion is still gripping me hard, but I smile anyway. Not one that reaches fully to my eyes. Just a small, sad smile - one that says ‘goodbye.’

  “I hope that your memory returns to you, Dax. I really wish all the best for you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I did this to you…to her. I promise to stay away.” She said the last phrase with as much conviction as her shaky voice would allow. I couldn’t tell her to stay. I couldn’t ask her to still be a part of my life. I needed to figure myself out again. I needed the truth and now I know what I’ve been feeling in my heart all along, that she is not a part of the plan. No more words are exchanged between the two of us. I stand up and she follows suit. I give her one of my hugs, not letting it linger. When we part, I grab my acoustic and walk out the front door without turning back. I know that she needs to collect her things and I don’t want to get in her way. I just need some fresh air, so I walk. I go to the only place that makes me feel fully alive; a place where I can breathe again.

  When I reach the dock, I stare out into the water. It would be so easy to sink down inside of it and let myself go. To succumb to the internal darkness that is bubbling to the surface. I’ve tried to stay as calm and cool as possible throughout all this bullshit but I’m only one person. I can’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. It seems like no matter what decision that I make in life, someone is going to be hurt by it in the end.

  I’m beyond confused. I don’t know how the fuck to feel, what the hell to do, or who the fuck to talk to it about. Even though she told me everything, I am having such a hard time hating her like one would think I should. Maybe it’s because I already hated her at one point and those feelings have long disappeared. I still haven’t gone to see the angel girl and tell her that I know the truth. Mainly because my memory still hasn’t returned and this is all just hearsay, but also a small part of me is shaking in my boots, fuckin' afraid.

  I know I need to man up, but things may never be the same as everyone is telling me they were and I don’t want to lead her down that pathway. Picking her up just to let her down? Yeah, that's just not my style. Not to mention, the last time I saw her, I said some pretty messed up shit and treated her like she was some one night stand of mine. She probably doesn’t even want to see me. If my memory would just fucking return to me, life would be grand, but instead I’m just dragging on by.

  I sit down at the end of the dock, allowing my feet to dangle over the water, and lift my guitar easily into my arms. I’m still having a hard time playing and that’s tearing me up more than anything. There’s a song stuck in the back of my mind, but my brain won’t send the right signals to my useless fucking hands. So here I sit in the silent dull of the world, contemplating how in the hell to get my spark back.

  I’m missing something and I just can’t remember what. I stand up quietly, raise my acoustic over my head, and smash it into the dock, sending shards of shattered wood along it and into the water. I feel a little bit better now at least. I'd feel a lot better if life would stop kicking me in the ass though.

  I try to contemplate how I should handle all this. Should I just go to her and explain everything? Should I even take a risk at all or just leave well enough alone? It’s hard to know because as much as I wish I could, I can’t remember her and I don’t know what she would want me to do. It hits me almost instantly; an idea to just go back to my normal routine, of which I need to find out the real truth from my friends and family. If I can get back to what I was doing, where I was working, whom I was hanging out with prior to the accident then maybe I have a real chance of actually remembering. I am tired of this walk-on-egg-shells-around-Daxton bullshit. I don’t know who the fuck devised this plan, but it only makes me feel more stressed out. I know everyone means well, but it’s time for me to take the reins back. I stand up, brush off my ass, and set off walking in the direction of Grams. It’s there that I’ll find the answers that I need. She’ll help me. I think at this time that she’s the only one that can.

  Chapter 13:

  I’m ready for a breakdown

  Avalynn’s POV

  This feeling has become all too familiar to me. It’s been seven months, twenty-eight days, two hours, and forty seven minutes since my heart was shattered into my chest. I haven’t had interaction with Daxton since that day; I can’t face him. I’ve let him down, myself down, and Abby down, by not fighting for us. Everyone keeps telling me that’s what’s best for his health and eventually his memory will come back on its’ own. At that point, will he even choose us? He’s been with Krissi most of the time or so I’m told. People make it a point to keep me updated on his everyday dealings even when it pains me to hear it, and I’m glad. I would hate to run into the two of them without any knowledge of them being together.

  I’ve become pretty useless to the world around me. I am working on it though, slowly but surely. I still don’t know how that girl can live with herself every day knowing what she did to Daxton pre-accident and still pretending that everything is okay and they were together before the accident happened. Bullshit, they haven’t been together in years. I wonder if he even knows. A huge part of me wants to write him an anonymous letter or just go to him and let him know the truth, but I know it will confuse him and I don’t want his health to decline because of it. It really sucks knowing there isn’t a damn thing I can do without potentially hurting him, even though it’s hurting me, excruciatingly so, every god damn day.

  I’m sitting here contemplating how to go about living without him in my life when she appears out of thin air. I don’t think much about it because it seems like I pay attention to nothing around me these days. I could probably get robbed blind and still be sitting here staring into space. Now, just looking at her makes me want to scream, break shit, and slap her across the face, but I don’t do anything. Not a damn thing. I can’t even muster up enough energy to avert my eyes from her face, so I sit in silence and stare. My mother is dressed in the same outfit I’d seen her in on the day of the accident. Isn’t it weird the unimportant things that we remember?

  She stands in front of me, extremely still. She appears to be cold and her sapphire eyes calculated. My insides twist and disdain fills my being. She almost looks translucent, her pale skin so closely mirroring my own in tone. The resemblance between her, Abby, and I is uncanny.
I’m just glad I don’t look like him. If I did, I’d never look in the mirror again. Finally, she speaks and it takes much longer than normal for her words to ascend from my ear drum and register into my brain.

  “Push.” A one syllable world, filled with demand and intent.

  I frown, causing my skin to feel as if it was cracking all the way across my face. My facial muscles have had little workout in the last couple of months. I look into her eyes searching.

  “Push, Avalynn. Fight. You need me, so I’m here, but you know deep down. Avalynn, you know.”

  The more she spoke, the more confused I felt.

  “What are you talking about, Mom?” I question, unsure if I am going to like the answer.

  “I know you want this to be the truth, but life isn’t so easy. Sometimes it just sucks the life out of us and there is nothing that we can do to change it. My girls are more impressive and beautiful than I could have ever imagined. The only one to thank for that is you, Avabug. I couldn’t save you, I couldn’t even save myself, and for that I am truly sorry. But you can do this - you are strong enough, even with all of that self-doubt burdening your frail shoulders.”

  I can feel the warmth of hot tears sliding down my cheeks. It has been such a long time since I’ve cried and I really have no idea why I am crying now. Or maybe I do; everything is coming together and my outlook on things are glum. I want to believe this to be the truth and deep down something breaks in me and I realize I have created a mirage inside of me masking the outcome I never wanted to be a part of. Right here, this is the end - the end of my delusions. The end of not dealing with what I should have long ago. I can feel every little unnerving emotion and I may just explode with the pent up pressure of everything I am; the negative energy that has held me captive for far too long. Here I sit, alone, rocking back and forth for God himself only knows how long. I am begging for just one lungful of the thick air that is surrounding me, suffocating me. Panic grips me and my breaths get fewer and far between. I’m clawing at my chest, attempting to rip out my rapidly beating heart and bury it in the backyard with the secrets I’ve been keeping. This is me admitting to myself that I am not strong enough to face the past that continuously stalks my whole life, laughing in my face, and daring me to be happy. My scars suddenly feel more defined. I look down to see raging, red lines not so delicately interwoven throughout the entirety of my body. It’s been a long time coming. I am hoping that this is not the end, but only the beginning for realization to strike me and better things to come from the ashes.

  Time staggers by and I calm myself enough to make a phone call. I’m surprised at the voice on the other end, but anything is better than solitude and being alone right now is the farthest thing from my mind. My knight in dark shining armor arrives to save the day, only he’s not my knight this time.

  Tripp doesn’t even knock on the door, just opens it and rushes inside straight to me. He wraps me in his arms and I feel safe again. It’s nothing like Daxton - I don’t think anyone will ever be able to compare, but it is comfort. I tried calling Faith, but Tripp picked up. Abby and Faith had gone out to get ice cream and she forgot her phone at her apartment where Tripp had been staying all week. The two of them tried to keep their relationship on a no-strings-attached type of level, but they were only fooling themselves. The two of them are so good for each other. I want that again.

  “What’s going on, Ava?” He asks gently, sitting down on the floor next to me, his legs crossed at the ankles. He has to be the most positively laid back guy I know, even in such a crazy situation.

  “She’s not real. I made her up,” I whisper. He doesn’t know who or what I’m referring to, but I know and tears begin to steadily stream down again.

  “I need help, Tripp.” Those words were all he needed to hear. He scooped me up into his arms and takes me to his truck. Happy memories of Daxton and I fill my brain and it helps for a short time. We arrive at the hospital and I am able to walk on my own inside. Tripp follows behind, his hand gripping my shoulder to keep me steady. At least I know that if I fall, someone would be there to catch me. I haven’t felt that way in a long while now. Tripp is the only one that can’t look me in the eye while talking about Daxton. His loyalty for his friend goes above and beyond and I can appreciate that. I know that he is torn; he’s been friends with Daxton for many years and they are family now. Faith hasn’t come out and made him choose and I’m thankful for that at least. Tripp wouldn’t choose my friendship and I wouldn’t want him to. Daxton needs some real people in his life. Faith, on the other hand, wants to tear Daxton limb from limb and beat Krissi in the head with them.

  Tripp walks in with me, but I refuse let him go any farther than the front desk. I need to do this on my own.

  “Please give Abby a hug for me and tell Faith, I’m sorry.” My voice quivers and I struggle to get control over it, failing no matter how hard I try. I know that Faith will take care of Abby until I can get the help I need. I should have dealt with this forever ago, before it ate me from the inside out. Regardless of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s…now was the time. Tripp gives me an awkward one shoulder hug. I feel sorry for the guy, he truly looks like he is betraying everything he stands for by leaving me there. I can’t help him to understand why I need to do this; I can’t even fully understand exactly why I need to do this, I just know I do.

  “Don’t worry about Abby. She’s safe with Faith. We will have a blast and give her tons of love and support. I know that I haven’t been super there for you and I am sorry for that. It has been hard to try and juggle both positions when I know that neither party is at fault for all the fucked up shit that keeps happening. I really hope that you’ll give Faith a call and let her know what’s going on when you get situated though - for my sake and for yours. That woman will be on my ass about everything as soon as I walk in the door and she’s a baby pit-bull, that one.” Tripp laughs and gives me a heartwarming smile, making me feel better about the entire situation.

  “I’ll call her as soon as I can. And Tripp?” I question.

  “Yeah?” he asks back.

  “Thank you.” He nods his head and hurries out the door without looking back, almost as if he needs to leave before he changes his mind. He is a man of few words, but his heart of gold, that he thinks he keeps hidden from the world, always seems to shine bright in my eyes.

  Tripp, same day.

  I don’t have the heart to tell her that I was only at Faith’s house to collect my things while Abby and she were out. Faith knew it was over between us. Things were just getting too strenuous. I felt like a middle man. I needed to have my best friend’s back. As much as I love Faith, I can’t choose between the two. Daxton has been there for me as long as I can remember and I’ll always choose him. Bro’s before hoes and all that. Not that he’s even asked me to choose. He doesn’t have a fucking clue what’s going on still. Just like everyone else, I’m too selfish to tell him. I don’t want a spiral to be on my conscious.

  When I gave Ava a hug goodbye, I realized then and there, that I’ve never felt guiltier in my entire life. I will pass on the message to Faith, I would never lie about that. But I just didn’t have the heart to make her upset about our split when she had so much other stuff to worry about. I don’t know what compelled me to answer Faith’s phone. I think I picked it up out of habit. Sometimes I did that, just to feed my curiosity. Faith had lots of dudes after her. Mama didn’t raise no fool. I was all the time acting as if it never bothered me. But let’s be honest, it did and still does. I hate losing her. I really do. But what else can I do? Lead a double life? Go back and forth and never have Daxton and Faith interact. That’s not the way I want to do things. My girl has to be around my best friend, plain and simple. And I’m not sure if Faith would ever be able to as long as Krissi and Daxton were together. Hell, I could barely stomach the two of them together. I get that Faith has an alliance to Ava, I really do. But it’s not Daxton’s fault he can’t remember shit. Faith makes it seem at times that
he is willingly choosing Krissi over Ava. That’s definitely not the case. It’s just unfortunate and shitty circumstances that led us all here. At this fucking dead end.

  I was so close to calling Daxton when I returned back to Faith’s place to collect the rest of my things. I felt like a dickhead for just leaving Ava to rot in a hospital. Damn, I fucking hate hospitals. But that’s where she wanted to be. I hope that everything comes out in the wash and she gets the help she needs. I cannot even believe that her Mother had never really came back. That it was all something Ava’s mind created. I still am not sure if I even believe that. Maybe Ava just wants to believe that?

  All I know is, I’ve got to stop caring. I need to just worry about my buddy and how his life is. If the time ever comes when Daxton’s memory returns, and God damn I fucking hope that happens, then and only then will I make amends for the shit I said to Faith and to Ava. Faith won’t forgive me. I know that. I’m by no means a stupid man. She’s beautiful, she’s perfect to me. She’ll find someone. I give it a week tops. I’m just sorry that it’s not me. I just…can’t.

  I leave a note for Faith and tell her everything that happened. I write I love you at the end and instantly regret doing it. I can’t keep leading her on. I do my best to scribble it out.

  “Mother Fucker…” I yell at myself. I just wish things didn’t have to be this way.

  I leave the note and my keys on the table. This is probably the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever done. But it’s necessary. Its right, I know it is. At least I hope it is. I load my bags into my truck and head back to my apartment. Daxton has been staying over there anyway. At least I won’t have to be alone. It’s good to have my partner in crime back. Daxton is the only male family I have. All girls in my family and my Dad ran out on my Mom before I was born. Seems to be a living trend around these parts.