Texas Hellcat

by Shelley Stringer

  “Maybe you might…we might need to talk about what’s okay, and what’s not,” he murmured as he stroked my arm. “I mean, after yesterday, I didn’t think about anything being off-limits. I am really sorry.” The pained look on Liam’s face made me feel guilty I’d reacted so violently. I took a deep breath and reached to touch his face softly.

  “Just don’t hold me down from behind,” I whispered quickly, then shuddered. “And,” I began, and then stopped cold.

  He pulled away to look down at me. Placing his hand gently under my chin, he lifted it slightly as he caressed my cheek with his thumb.

  “And what, Kel?”

  “Nothing…nothing anal,” I whispered, barely even hearing myself.

  “No, of course not,” he answered quickly, his eyes widening.

  I shut my eyes tightly, willing my breathing to slow down to an even pace. When I opened them again, Liam was still gazing down at me, a pained expression on his face.

  “What can I do?”

  I shook my head, and then took a deep breath. “Just…hold me,” I whispered finally.

  He nodded, and then pulled me back into his chest. Reaching down, he grabbed the blankets and pulled them up over us. After several moments, he could sense my breathing had returned to normal.

  “Better?” He asked, his lips in my hair.

  I nodded. I snuggled in deeper, burying my nose in his chest. He smelled so good, and his familiar scent was comforting. He didn’t have any cologne on, he just smelled like hotel shower soap and…Liam. I smiled at the thought.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly.

  “No, maybe someday,” I added quickly.

  “Okay.”

  The silence was deafening. I felt as though my panic attack had damaged something between us, and I was afraid he would feel he couldn’t be spontaneous with me anymore.

  “I’m sorry,” I choked out.

  He pulled away and gazed down at me. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Kel.”

  “Yes, yes I do. I don’t want my past to affect you. I don’t want you to be afraid to…” I began.

  “I won’t, baby, I promise. I’d often wondered how you could be so strong with everything that has happened to you. You’re human, Kel. That was obviously a trigger for you. I need to know these things. If something upsets you or brings up those disturbing memories or feelings, I want to know what it is. I don’t ever want to be the cause of pain for you,” he assured me as he stroked my arm. After a moment, he leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on my shoulder.

  “Well, I certainly threw cold water on us tonight, didn’t I?” I commented, pushing up in bed.

  “Hmm…Let’s just say we’re taking a little detour into getting to know each other better,” he said as he threw the covers back. “Tell you what. Let me go finish shaving, and then I’ll snuggle down here and we’ll watch some really crappy TV and fight over the remote like any other red-blooded American couple,” he said as he threw the covers up over my head. I giggled, pulling them back down to find him smiling at me.

  He rose, and picked his towel up from the floor and returned to the bathroom. As he closed the door I slid from the bed and returned to the closet to finish picking my wardrobe for the following day. After I had everything out, I donned my new nightgown and another pair of delicate lace panties and returned to the bed to wait for Liam.

  After shaving, he stepped out of the bathroom and picked the remote up, turning the flat screen on and turning up the volume.

  “Texas political candidates and the eye-candy over the years. The pictures never go away, Senators. No one seemed to care, years ago, this swinging bachelor ran for the Texas Senate. Some of these pictures surfaced in his re-election campaign four years ago when another republican challenger attacked his character,” the TV commentator droned on.

  Liam had flipped channels to watch a news story on the local Austin politics and power inside edition on one of the local stations. He stepped back into the bathroom to finish shaving. I’d long since busied myself with searching ads in a pile of Texas Monthly’s beside me.

  “What’s with all the magazines, Cat?” he padded back into the bedroom to search through the dresser drawers.

  “Just catching up on some local stuff and getting ad ideas for promoting Austin Nightlife--you know, that new account we landed. Trying to weed through what’s already been done to death,” I called out. I looked up just as Liam dropped his towel, revealing his finely sculpted butt and the cute dimples just above his butt-cheeks. I blushed as he turned. I was almost caught ogling him.

  The female moderator on the local station continued. “But now Senator Reeves has thrown his hat in the Governor’s race, things are heating up, and photos that have re-surfaced of the Senator and a high-priced Houston party girl have Austin buzzing. The likeness to this woman, the young woman photographed in a heated discussion with the Senator only days ago at the big Austin gala fundraiser, have many speculating just what their relationship might be.”

  My picture flashed on the screen as I gasped. It was a picture of me, obviously shaken, backing away from Reeves at the gala, Liam standing tall behind me. The report pasted beside it a picture of my mother, obviously high, dressed in a low-cut halter dress and large hoop earrings, one of her boobs almost exposed, and Reeves’ lips pressed to her neck.

  “The likeness to the picture taken in the early eighties of the woman in Houston is uncanny. The younger woman has been identified as Kelly Sanger, a recent UT graduate, and the daughter of the Senator’s former girlfriend. Miss Sanger’s reported connection with San-Antonio bachelor and politically-connected Liam Covington has Austin politicos scratching their heads. There has been much speculation Covington might make a bid for a Texas Senate seat in the future. But with pictures popping up of him partying with young girls, it might make his road to the Texas State House a little rocky. But there should be no shock here. Many will remember Covington was photographed half-nude outside a hotel room the night before he was to be drafted. After a gifted career…”

  Liam quickly grabbed the remote from the foot of the bed and switched the screen off. I was stunned. He turned to look at me. As my eyes met his I took a deep breath. I realized I’d been holding it since the picture of my mother had flashed on the screen.

  “They could have picked a more flattering picture of my mother,” I murmured, still staring at the blank screen.

  “Kel,” he began.

  I held my hand up, knowing that talk was not a good thing at the moment. The commentator hit a little close to home when she’d compared my and Liam’s relationship with that of my mother and Reeves.

  “Kel, I know what you’re doing. Stop it,” he commanded, coming around the side of the bed.

  “Stop what? Now what is your father going to say? It’s the same argument over and over again…and I can’t get away from it. You can’t sugar coat it.”

  “Sugar coat what, Kelly?”

  “Who I am! No matter how hard I try, there it is. No matter how much I want to change it. No matter how much money you throw at the problem, it will still be there. I’m the poor girl from South Houston with a dead junkie mother and cocaine addict sister. My kind is definitely not good for your political career…” I trailed off, the words cutting me like a knife as I said them out loud. Then I looked up at him anew. “Do you have political aspirations? Does your dad? Because she’s right,” I declared.

  “Kelly, I said stop it. That news piece was more about me than you,” he argued.

  “Really, Liam? Because I don’t remember seeing a picture of your DEAD MOTHER half-dressed, plastered on late-night Austin talk-shows,” I retorted angrily. Flipping the covers back, I pushed from the bed and walked around him into the bathroom.

  “Damn it, Kelly! This is the same freaking argument we’ve had over and over again!” he yelled out. I slammed the bathroom door.

  His ringing cell phone diverted his attention from me. I could hear hi
m talking to his father, telling him we’d indeed seen the news piece on me. He dropped his tone, obviously not wanting me to overhear his conversation, but I could tell even in the hushed tones the conversation was strained.

  That familiar feeling where I just wanted to cut my losses and run, to curl up into an insignificant ball somewhere was overwhelming. I’d worried about Liam’s family and their acceptance of me, but I’d never thought about the rest of the world. Or the fact his family was politically connected and my past might hurt him or his chances of a Senate race. I was not Lady Bird Johnson material, and I never would be. Tears gathered in my eyes as I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. I shook my head in anger.

  “Feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t change anything, Sanger,” I hissed at myself.

  Liam had been acting like he was ready to settle down, but I knew it didn’t need to be with me. He needed a nice sorority girl or the girl next door. He needed someone who would look good in a designer dress and hat at a fundraiser, not the party-planner working the fundraiser. I turned, suddenly needing some air.

  “Kelly?” his voice called softly through the bathroom door. “Kelly, open the door, please.”

  I quickly donned my biking shorts and t-shirt I’d been wearing earlier while we lounged on the balcony, and folded the new lingerie and nightgown Liam had bought for me and placed them lovingly on the counter. Taking a deep breath, I pulled the door open.

  “Kel,” he said, turning when he heard me open the door. There was a look of surprise as he realized I’d donned my old clothes.

  “I…I need to leave,” I murmured, pushing around him to retrieve my purse and my phone. I grabbed my laptop off the bed and shoved it into the carry case.

  “Kelly, Damn it! What have I done?” Liam asked, raking his hand through his hair. “Is this about earlier?”

  “No…it has nothing to do with that. You haven’t done anything. It’s me…I need to go. I can’t keep doing this to you, and I can’t stay here,” I replied as I rushed past him into the living room. I turned as I reached the door and found Liam standing in the middle of the living area, nothing on but his pajama bottoms.

  “What are you so afraid of? What are you running from?” he asked, stepping closer to me. He reached his arms out to me, and I instinctively took a step back toward the door.

  “So you’re just going to run out, again?” He sounded disgusted.

  I couldn’t answer. Everything I’d come to love--all my hopes and dreams were standing in front of me, and my heart told me I needed to let him go. I couldn’t stand the constant reminders I was beneath his social standing. I felt raw and damaged. I couldn’t keep doing this to him if I loved him.

  “I have to go. Goodbye, Liam.” I whispered, closing the door. For a second, I leaned on the outside of the door, unconsciously hoping beyond hopes he would burst through to stop me. But he didn’t.

  * * *

  “Kelly-cat?” Tana’s startled voice rang out from the living room where she and Tom sat curled around each other on the living room sofa. For a moment it hurt me to look at them. They were so comfortable around each other, and Tom seemed to adore Tana. Tana was strong, bubbly and beautiful. Tana didn’t have a damaged past hanging over her to chase Tom away. I swatted the tangled thoughts from my mind. My troubles had nothing to do with Tana and Tom.

  “Yeah, Tana…it’s me,” I replied, walking through the kitchen and past them to climb to the loft.

  “I was beginning to think you were going to move in with the consultant,” she said, their eyes still glued to the movie they were watching. “Anything wrong? Are you okay?”

  “No, I’m fine. I just needed some home time. I need to do some things here,” I replied as I took the stairs.

  “Well, Sunni bought some tilapia, hint…hint…it’s in the fridge, if you’re in the mood to cook,” Tana joked. “We’ve missed you, mom!”

  I laughed, trying to choke down the rather large lump in my throat. I dropped my purse and computer bag on my bed. “I’m back…I’ll catch up on my duties as cook, I promise.”

  I looked around my room. It was just the same as I’d left it days ago, except for the fur stuck to my bedspread where Tana’s cat had camped out during my absence. I forced back the tears as I thought bitterly to myself, “home again.” This didn’t feel like home. I shut my eyes. Liam’s hotel room felt like home. He felt like home. I opened my eyes and the tears began. The only other place in the world that had ever felt like home was my grandparents’ farmhouse with Aunt Deb, and now I could add Liam to the list.

  I repeated the mantra over and over in my head…I’m not going to cry. I’m over it. Move on, Kelly. You need to focus on work. I’m not going to cry…

  But the last image I had behind my teary eyelids as I drifted off was Liam’s face as he watched me close the door to his hotel suite.

  * * *

  My alarm clock shattered the silence in my cocooned loft at 5:15. After finally locating it in a daze, I shut it off and then flipped on the lamp. My cell phone lay on the nightstand, and as the realization of what I’d done the night before hit me, I grabbed it and touched the screen. There were no missed calls, no text messages. I didn’t know what I expected…but I certainly didn’t expect to feel so empty and devastated.

  A run was what I needed. I was still in the biking shorts I’d worn home, so I pulled a running bra out of the drawer and then donned my sneakers. I grabbed my keys and water bottle, and was out of the apartment by 5:25.When I stepped off the elevator my heart raced, unconsciously hoping Liam would be waiting by the entrance to run as he often did.

  Stepping out onto the sidewalk, my heart sank. Stupid, stupid girl…this is what you wanted. A relationship with him is only going to keep both of us torn up…it’s never going to work. Move on! I berated myself all the way down to the Congress Ave. Bridge. I’d run about a mile and a half when I finally relaxed and started to clear my mind. One foot in front of the other…my mind getting in rhythm with the pace…pick it up, Sanger. Pick up the pace!

  I pushed myself, running faster than my usual slow jog. I passed the two-and-a-half mile mark and pushed harder. When I realized I was almost at four, I began to let up a bit. My chest was pounding, and I was totally drenched in the heavy wet Austin pre-dawn. My own footsteps seemed to echo around me, and as I slowed further, I realized I wasn’t alone. I stopped, moving quickly off the path as I took my bottle of water out of my running sleeve and took a drink, slowing my breathing. The footsteps behind me in the darkness halted.

  The hair stood up on the back of my neck. Liam’s warning about not running alone echoed in my thoughts. I waited a few more minutes, and no one came around the bend. I was in almost the same spot as I’d been the night Liam had come looking for me and we’d collided. That was the first night we’d made love, I thought, my mind going where I didn’t want it to. My chest ached at the memory. I shook my head and decided I’d imagined the footsteps. Finishing that side of the trail at a brisk walk, I then picked my pace up on the backside of the trail, returning to the bridge. People were beginning to stir, and as the pink haze of daybreak streaked across the eastern skyline behind the tall Austin buildings, I realized the other runners had been there all along, just hidden in darkness. I relaxed, stopped to catch my breath on the bench, and then started back to our apartment. All the way home my eyes unconsciously searched for the tall muscular form in the tight t-shirt and basketball shorts I’d come to love so much.

  Eighteen

  A week passed and I was miserable. I knew I’d made the right decision – the selfless decision. Liam was never going to understand how much a relationship with me was going to drag him down. I didn’t want him to discover it on his own; after we’d been together so long it would have destroyed me. The thing was it already had. I was like a zombie, putting one foot in front of the other. I just existed, barely breathing.

  Evidently, he’d gotten over our breakup quickly, and it was as if he’d shut the door on us.
The first few days, he came and went withoust glancing in my office. Then the past two days, he’d been absent from our office altogether. I busied myself with going over budgets with Tana’s department, getting a more in-depth picture of how our budgets worked project by project. We’d begun shooting nation-wide commercials promoting Austin clubs and the Austin music scene, so I was swamped during the day. Work was a welcome distraction, keeping me from thinking about Liam. But my nights were torture.

  Memories began to swirl in my head the second my head hit the pillow every night. When sleep finally found me, I would either dream of Liam and wake lonely, or my nightmares of old would startle me awake, and I would turn to search for his comforting presence. Either way I would end up in tears. I hated my weakness. I hated I’d experienced what felt like a perfect love. Now I knew what a loving relationship could be, and I’d lost it.

  On Thursday night of the second week without Liam, a man approached me silently as I jogged.

  “Hey, you usually run in the mornings, right?” he commented breathlessly, falling in stride beside me. His smile was more of a wince, like he wasn’t comfortable talking to me. Slightly balding, he appeared to be in his mid to late thirties, but in runner’s shape. He didn’t strike me as the type to try to pick me up.

  “Um, yeah…why?” I unconsciously slowed my pace when he did.

  “I just thought I’d warn you. I’ve seen you a few times, and there is always a big guy trailing you. He’s usually decked out in black, but it’s always the same guy. Muscular build. He keeps his distance, but it’s like he’s shadowing you. I thought you needed to know.”

  “Oh.” I was suddenly chilled, the thought that someone had been following me undetected was unsettling.

  “You really shouldn’t run alone in the dark--you need a running buddy,” he admonished as he picked up his pace and passed me.