“Kelly? What is it?” he asked again, moving around to stand in front of me when I didn’t answer.
I cleared my throat, suddenly thick with unshed tears. This might be the deal-breaker. This was the one thing that if I told him, he might never want to have anything to do with me again. I needed a drink--liquid courage, my grandfather had always called it.
“Before I tell you everything, do you have something to drink? Because I think you might need it,” I said calmly. He nodded slowly, a puzzled look crossing his face as he crossed the room to the mini-bar on the back wall. He poured both of us some bourbon and then crossed back to me and handed me a glass. I downed it, startling him.
“You’re scaring me,” he murmured. He urged me to sit down in one of the chairs facing the magnificent view.
“I’m scaring myself. I was resigned, after Aunt Deb died, to never think about it again, and I certainly never intended to tell anyone about it.” I turned after staring out the window to find his eyes on me.
“Then you came along. I never planned on falling in love. Well, not for a while. I envisioned myself with an extensive career in business, and maybe someday getting married-- when I was older. A family has never been in my future.”
“Why, Kel? I mean, I’ve never really thought much about it until I met you. Now it’s all I seem to want. I thought that’s what every girl wants eventually,” he answered softly, taking my hands in his as he leaned forward.
“I do want a life with you, Liam. But if you want kids, it might be a problem.” I stared down at my hands, avoiding his probing gaze.
“Sure, I want kids someday. Are you saying you don’t?”
I slowly exhaled, raising my gaze back to him. “No, I don’t. For a lot of reasons. I don’t deserve any kids.”
“Okay, now why the hell would you say that?” he asked, his face showing the rage he’d felt earlier when we’d fought about my self-esteem.
“Just hear me out, please. Don’t say anything. I have to get this out, and then you’ll know everything,” I said. He nodded, sitting back in his chair and propping one leg across a knee. Watching me intently, he rubbed his index finger across his bottom lip. “When my mom died, when I found her dead…that was during the height of the abuse. Reeves would have never stopped. My mother’s death separated us from him. I never saw him again after Aunt Deb took us back to Fredericksburg.” He nodded, his eyes becoming dark. “At first, he just touched me,” I whispered, watching his reactions. “Later, he became bolder--making me touch him. Then he started coming in our room after my mother would pass out. He’d hold me down, always face down, and he…” a dry sob escaped. There were suddenly no tears.
“Kelly, you don’t have to do this,” he said hoarsely.
I whispered, barely audible. “It hurt. I fought him, and kept him from penetrating. But then he came in my room more and more, and I couldn’t fight him anymore. After I went to Aunt Debs, I thought the nightmare was over.” I paused, and stared down into my glass. “Then I began to get sick. I thought it was the flu at first, but it just… wouldn’t… stop,” I whispered.
“Oh Kel, no,” he groaned, leaning forward as he ran his hands through his hair.
My voice quivered uncontrollably as I continued. “I went to Aunt Deb, and she took me to the Doctor. I was three months along when we found out. Aunt Deb was horrified, so I had to tell her what had happened. I begged her to tell the doctors that it was one of the boys at school, so that there wouldn’t be charges or an investigation. She and the doctor set up an appointment in Houston, and she took me to have an abortion the next week.
I watched him lean forward, his head in his hands. I couldn’t read his reaction, so I continued on.
“I’ll never forget that day. It was four days after my fifteenth birthday. There were complications and I hemorrhaged. I lost a lot of blood, and they ended up having to put me in the hospital and do a transfusion. I developed an infection….” my voice trailed off at the horrible memories.
Liam sat eerily still, looking out into the evening sun shining down over the river walk. I rose silently and crossed to the decanter, filling my glass full of more liquid courage, my hands shaking uncontrollably. After several more moments of silence I sat back down in the chair. He watched me patiently, waiting for me to continue.
“I was devastated, humiliated, having to go through the lectures at the abortion clinic about having safe sex and the fact I was having an abortion at fifteen.” I shook my head and continued, “If they only knew they never had to worry about me. Sex wasn’t something I would ever want to have for years after. Aunt Deb and I never discussed me keeping the baby. All she knew was one of my mother’s boyfriends had raped me. She never knew him. She didn’t know his name. I knew it went against every religious belief she had to take me to that clinic, but she couldn’t bear thinking about me having the baby. And when you’re fifteen, all you can think about is getting rid of the sickness. The ache inside--there are miserable feelings that go along with the shame of being pregnant that young. But what neither one of us anticipated was how I would feel afterward.”
I paused as I took a big swallow of the bourbon. Liam leaned forward, rubbing his hand across his face, his expression hard and unreadable.
“About a month later, I was fully recovered and back in school. And the very next subject on the agenda in health class that semester happened to be human sexuality and babies and birth control,” I whispered. “The day we were shown a fetus at three months in the womb, it all clicked into place. I knew at that moment I’d made a decision which would haunt me the rest of my life. I’d killed my own baby.”
The room was eerily quiet. My chest tightened with the silence--it was as if something had been ripped from me all over again. It was the first time I’d spoken the words aloud, and it hurt. My heart ached with the memory, and all of the miserable feelings I’d had about myself came rushing back.
I waited in the heavy stillness. The only noise in the room was the sound of my own breathing. This was it, the one thing I’d never shared with anyone. I felt sick, and I was shaking with the fear of what his reaction would be. But it was the one dark secret I felt I had to share with him before we could move forward.
Rising silently, he stood in front of my chair. He held his hand out to me, and as I took it, he pulled me up into his arms. He held me for the longest time, not saying anything…just stroking my hair as he gently rocked back and forth with me in his arms.
I finally broke the silence. “I’m really messed up about it all, Liam. And even if I wanted to have a baby, I don’t know if I can.”
His arms tightened around me. After several moments, he pulled me away to look down into my eyes, stroking my cheek gently with his thumb.
“It guts me to think of what you’ve been through,” he ground through his teeth. I blinked back tears as he searched my face. “Kelly, I love you so much. Sure, I want kids someday, but it’s no deal-breaker with me. I want you on any terms. I. Want. You. I don’t care what comes after.” Liam stroked my back and placed his lips in my hair.
I let his declarations wash over me as I wound my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.
“Liam, that’s not the only issue. I know your family is conservative, and this kind of thing always comes to light. I don’t care how confidential medical records are, they always surface. Can you imagine you or your father on the campaign trail, and some reporter sticks a microphone in your face and asks you about the abortion your wife had at fifteen?”
He shook his head, placing his hand behind my neck and holding my head as he looked into my eyes. “Well, number one, I’d deck the reporter. My family’s lawyers would have him and the clinic who leaked the records fried in court. Kel, my family may be conservative, but I swear to you they would have made the same decisions your Aunt Deb did. I’m so sorry a decision was made for you so young that it has affected you emotionally and has you questioning your own morals. I want to go back in time a
nd fix it all for you, baby, and it’s frustrating to me that I can’t. What I can do is love you like no other ever has, and make you feel like the woman you are - a strong, beautiful, caring woman…a survivor.”
I tightened my arms around his waist. “No matter what I tell you about my past, you’re still going to love me,” I whispered in wonder.
“Yes, Kelly. You’re my hero. If anything, I love you more every time you reveal something to me about your past, because you’re so strong. I just want you to start seeing yourself through my eyes, and not for what has happened to you!”
I nodded, the tears finally stinging my eyes. “I promise I’ll try.”
“Good. Now, you aren’t going to tell me you stole underwear from K-mart in high school, are you? Because that might be the deal breaker for any political career I might aspire to,” he warned jokingly.
“No, I’ve never stolen anything in my life,” I laughed through my tears as he pulled me into a kiss.
“Except my heart,” he murmured against my lips.
* * *
I drove Tana’s car back to Austin with Liam following close behind me. After I dropped it off at our apartment, I got in with him.
“Are you hungry? We could go out,” he began.
“I’m pretty wrecked. I’d like to just get a bath and go to bed,” I replied, leaning my head against the window.
He reached over and caressed my cheek with his thumb as he cupped my face in his hand. “Kel, you’ve lost weight. You aren’t eating enough, and those circles under your eyes say you’re not getting enough sleep.”
I turned to look at him.
“It’s your fault, Covington. I can’t seem to sleep without you.”
He dropped his hand and took mine, smiling crookedly at me. “You left me, remember?”
I nodded. “I know.”
After a few moments he confessed, “I can’t sleep without you, either.”
I smiled at him. He returned it, his blue eyes flashing a sparkle in the twilight. I noticed the dark stubble on his face for the first time.
“That unshaved look is really sexy on you, Covington.” I reached over and stroked his cheek with my fingers. “I might even let you kiss me,” I teased.
“Well, I’ve got to feed you first. I don’t want you passing out on me. If you’re tired, we can order room service,” he offered as I nodded.
“Sounds great.”
Instead of pulling in front of the hotel like he usually did, Liam pulled into the hotel parking garage. Parking in one of the first spaces on the ground floor, he cut the engine and then turned and grinned at me.
“What?” I asked, perplexed.
He jumped out of the SUV, and then hurried around to help me out. “I have something to show you. He pulled me around the car next to us, and then held his hand out, indicating a new sporty silver SUV.
“This is your new ride baby,” he said as he held the keys out to me.
I shook my head. “No, Liam. We talked about this. You’re not buying me a car.”
His smile dropped a bit. “Hellcat, it’s already done. You need a car, I bought you one. I love you, and I want you to have it. End of discussion,” he countered, his eyes beginning to blaze.
“I thought you understood…when you buy me things,” I began.
“Stop it, Kel. I want you to stop with the negativity when I try to give you things. Part of the reason why you lost your car was because of your job. If you want, look at it as your boss replacing your property.”
“We don’t know for sure it was Carter who planted the bomb,” I murmured as he cocked an eyebrow at me.
“In any case, we’re responsible for lax security. Don’t argue about this, Cat.” He offered the keys to me again in exasperation. I finally took them from him.
“I wouldn’t even be able to afford the insurance on a car like this. I’m going to buy something on my own. Stuart gave all of us a raise after he let Carter go,” I said as he shook his head.
“Everything is taken care of, Kel. We will discuss this later. Right now, you’re tired and you need to eat. Come on,” he urged as he placed his arm around my waist, leading me to the side hotel entrance.
Once inside his suite, he led me into the bedroom, and then through to the bathroom. “How about a bath to relax while I order room service,” he suggested. He leaned over and started the water in the large tub. “What are you hungry for?” He stood, reaching up to tuck a stray bit of hair back around my ear. He caressed my cheek softly with his thumb.
“Soup and sandwich. Anything is fine,” I murmured, suddenly shy about being back in his suite. I felt so raw and open after spilling everything in his office earlier. Talking about the repeated rapes, the pregnancy and abortion had left me feeling so exposed.
Liam leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. “Go ahead and get in. I’ll be right back,” he promised, striding into the bedroom.
I slipped my dress, shoes and stockings off, and then quickly shucked my bra and panties and stepped into the warm bath. I immediately felt better, the water swirling up around my shoulders as I sank down in the bubbles.
Soft guitar music drifted in from the bedroom, Liam had obviously plugged his I-pod into the stereo system. I heard him talking in low tones on the phone, ordering room service before he appeared in the doorway again.
“Relaxed?” he asked.
“Mmmm. I’d be better if you were in here with me,” I whispered up to him.
Smiling broadly, he pulled his shirt out of his trousers and then unbuckled his belt slowly. I sighed in contentment as I watched him. His eyes began to sparkle wickedly as he proceeded to make a show of undressing-–slowly removing his cufflinks, methodically unbuttoning each button on his shirt. He dropped each article of clothing on the tile floor until nothing remained but his boxer briefs. With slow deliberation, he drew them down his hips, his eyes locked on mine, measuring my reaction. I ran my tongue over my lips.
Leaning over, he slid his hands down my shoulders and under me as he eased me forward in the tub. He stepped in behind me, and then sank down into the water, drawing me up on his lap.
“Hmm. I might have to switch from showers to baths. This is nice,” he murmured, placing his lips on my shoulder. We both sank further down under the jets as he wrapped each foot around my ankles, holding me down.
“I’m so relaxed, I could fall asleep in here,” I whispered. He began to knead the muscles in my neck. I picked up a bar of soap and lathered my hands. After running the soap up over my breasts and shoulders, he took the bar from me, lathering his own hands, then gently soaping my shoulders and back. As he continued to massage my shoulders, I leaned back on to his chest.
We lay still in the steamy water for twenty minutes or more, the soft strains of guitar music drifting in through the open doorway.
“As much as I want to wash the rest of you, baby, I’d better get out. Our food will be here any minute,” he finally whispered, kissing me on top of the head.
“I love it that you call me ‘baby,’” I replied honestly. When he didn’t answer, I turned to glance up at him. He was smiling down at me, seemingly pleased.
“I’m glad you don’t mind. I’m never sure with you. At times, you’re the ‘tough’ girl, not the type of girl who likes to be called ‘baby.’ Other times, you’re so soft and vulnerable,” he remarked, drying off and slipping into his jeans, sans briefs.
Wow. The thought of nothing between Liam and those worn Levi’s was HOT.
Just when he finished towel drying his hair, there was a knock at the suite door, signaling our food.
“Take your time, Kel. I’ll get everything set up in here.”
Alone now in the tub, I no longer wanted to linger. I rose and toweled off, and then slid his bathrobe on. When I stepped into the bedroom, he had our food out on the dining table and candles lit in the center of the table and on the side tables around the room.
He was so thoughtful and sweet, it made me grin. �
�I don’t think I’ve ever had soup and sandwiches by candlelight,” I teased.
“I told you, I wanted all your firsts once before,” he reminded me, pulling a chair out for me.
He picked a bottle up out of an ice bucket with two glasses, and placed them on the table.
“Champagne?” He cocked an eyebrow at me.
“What are we celebrating?”
“You, coming back to me. Best decision of your life,” he smirked as he poured a glass full with a flourish and sat it down in front of me.
“Cocky, much?” I winked. “Hmm. So far, yes. I believe you’re right,” I agreed, raising my glass to his as he sat across from me.
“So here’s to more firsts and starting over,” he declared as I met his glass with mine.
* * *
Liam’s legs were twined with mine, his arms around me as my head lay cradled against his shoulder.
“I’ve missed pillow talk,” I murmured. He played with a strand of my hair. “It relaxes me…helps me fall asleep.”
“Are you saying I put you to sleep, Miss Sanger?” he asked, mockingly offended.
“No, it’s a wonderful way to fall asleep every night,” I whispered. “You make me feel safe.”
“You are safe. Maybe you can forget about the bad things happening, and about Reeves,” he replied.
“Not if he doesn’t quit contacting me,” I replied as I yawned.
“What?” he pushed up, looking down at me. “He contacted you? When?”
“He sent me a note in the mail, inviting me to dinner at Ruth’s Chris. I got it the night of the break-in at the apartment.”
“What the hell…what did he want?” he asked, incensed.
“He said we’d obviously gotten off on the wrong foot, and he wanted to make amends and restore the relationship with your family. He hinted he was willing to buy me off,” I said as I shrugged. “I tore it up and threw it away.”
“That bastard has a lot of nerve,” he swore. “Kel, you need to tell me these things.”
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