“Well, we weren’t exactly talking at the time. I’d left you, remember? Anyway, I just now thought of it. I don’t think he will try to contact me again,” I murmured, suddenly sleepy.
“You’re tired. Sleep now. We’ll talk more tomorrow,” he whispered, lying back down beside me as he pulled me back against his warm body.
Twenty-One
We fell into a seemingly domestic routine. A week had passed since the night I bared my soul to him and revealed all the secrets from my past. Intimacy with Liam, I’d found, was my comfort zone. I could tell he felt the same. I was blissfully happy with him, but I couldn’t help feeling like more unrest was coming.
“Liam, get in here…you have to see this! Hurry,” I yelled, grabbing the remote to the television.
“What’s wrong?” He emerged from the bathroom, toweling his still-damp hair. We’d just returned to the hotel after our nightly run, and then had a pleasant workout in the shower.
“It’s the girl they found a few weeks ago by Lady Bird Lake. They’ve positively identified her,” I said breathlessly, fear gripping my chest. My eyes were glued to the TV and several pictures of Texas politicians, including one Senator Reeves.
“What the hell,” Liam swore, sinking down on the foot of the bed.
“Drugs were ruled as the main cause of death. Miss Thedford was a junior at the University of Texas, and a page at the State Capitol. She’d worked for several Texas politicians; one of three pictured here, Senator Reeves from Houston. His run for the Texas Governorship was made certain in recent weeks. We called his office for a statement today, and they released the following: “We’re saddened to hear of the death of Miss Thedford, and our condolences go out to her family at this time. She had a promising future and career ahead of her, and her loss will be felt by all of us at the State Capitol.”
I sat quietly for several moments, watching Liam as he listened intently to the rest of the newscast. I felt cold. I got a sick feeling when I thought about Reeves even being remotely involved with this girl. The picture Dana had described to me, of him coming out of my mother’s bedroom with the brown paper sack, flooded my thoughts, causing me to lose my breath.
“Kel…are you all right?”
My brain kicked into overdrive…remembering flashes I had long since buried.
I could hear my sister kicking the outside of the apartment door.
“Kelly-cat, let me in! Please, I want to see mommy! Mommy needs me,” she screamed as tears coursed down my face. I walked the few steps back down the hallway and to the bathroom door, where I stopped. My mother lay in the tub, the water running in sheets down the hallway, flooding our apartment and much of the hallway outside. Her beautiful blue eyes were open, staring at nothing on the wall. It wasn’t right. I remember being puzzled. The signs of the cocaine were there…the red splotches around her nose, her eyes wild. Traces of the powder still remained on her nose and chin. But she looked beautiful with flawlessly applied makeup, lush eyelashes and full pink lips. Her hair was curled and perfectly in place. She never cared about her looks when she was going to get high. I shook my head, remembering the large bruises on her neck and shoulders…
“Kelly! What is it? You’re scaring me,” Liam said as he grasped my shoulders tightly.
“He killed her,” I whispered, barely audible.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, pulling me into his chest. “Here, drink a sip of this,” he commanded, putting his glass to my lips. The bourbon burned as it slid down my throat, making me cough.
“That’s my girl. Come on, Hellcat. What is it? Tell me,” he urged, pulling me back to look at me.
“I just remembered…the way…I found…my…mother,” I tried to breathe, emotions weighing heavily on my chest.
“Relax, Kelly. It’s just me. Tell me what you remember,” he urged again, stroking my cheek with the back of his hand.
“I found her in the tub, naked, the water was running down the hallway. She had on makeup! It didn’t make sense…and the bruises,” I whispered as I covered my face with my hands. “When Dana said he killed our mother, she meant it wasn’t just that he brought her the drugs. I think he forced her to take them.”
“Was there an autopsy done on your mother’s body?” he asked softly.
“Yes, and the police ruled it “an apparent drug overdose,” I whispered, burying my face in his chest. He stroked my hair, holding me for the longest time. After a bit, he laid me back gently into the pillows.
“Okay, Kelly, just relax. I want you to calm down. I’m going to get you something to help you sleep,” Liam whispered as he kissed my forehead. “Just try to lie back and relax. I’ll be right back,” he promised. I nodded.
I could hear him talking in low tones in the living room of the suite. Moments later he returned with a bottle of water and some pills. “Here, take these. They’re mild, over-the-counter sleep aids.”
“Where did you get those,” I asked as he sat down beside me.
“Room service. This is the Four Seasons, remember? Anything you want for a price.” He smiled down encouragingly. I took the pills without further argument, and a large drink of the water.
“Kelly, please try to get some sleep.”
I nodded. He moved around the bed and slid in beside me, pulling me into his arms.
“I think it’s time you talked to someone about everything that has happened to you, and about what you know about Reeves.”
I took a deep breath, tears threatening again.
He hurriedly tried to calm my fears. “Baby, it won’t be like that, I promise. You need to talk to someone who can help you and to sort this out. If your suspicions are right, there is so much more to this now than just your past, and you might have the power to put a stop to him. He’s hurt so many people already.”
“I know. I’ll try,” I breathed softly.
“Hellcat, you are so much stronger and braver than you realize. Your Aunt Deb would be so proud of you,” he murmured, pulling me into his side as he pulled the covers up over us. I fell asleep, troubled, but with the knowledge that in his arms I was safe, and no matter what he found out about my past, he still loved me.
* * *
One phone call the next morning, and I found myself seated outside the offices of one Hallie Orr, M.D. Liam sat beside me, holding my hand tightly.
“Kelly, you’re shaking. I promise, you don’t have to tell her everything today. I just want you to meet her, and get a feel for this. I just want you to open the door, and have the opportunity to heal.”
I nodded, squeezing his hand.
“Liam…Miss Sanger, isn’t it?” Doctor Orr stepped out into the reception room and extended her hand.
“Yes, I’m Kelly Sanger,” I answered, shaking her hand. She then turned to Liam.
“It’s been a while, Covington!” she exclaimed as she hugged him. My heart contracted hard. I realized they weren’t only acquaintances.
“Yeah, and here you are--the big psychiatrist! I know you just went through medical school so you could find out what makes me tick,” he joked as he whirled her around.
“You’re such a simple case, I could have diagnosed you in my essay on my application to undergraduate school,” she teased, turning to me. “Liam and I go way back. We were good friends in high school.”
“Did you two ever date?” I asked, dreading the answer.
“Hell no! He was such a jock-brat, and we fought like brother and sister! No, I was in love with Liam’s best friend.” A shadow seemed to drop over her eyes. Liam hugged her close to his body.
“Hal was the closest thing I had to a sister, until Allie came along. As a matter-of-fact, she still is,” he remarked as Hallie laughed.
“Allison will grow up eventually.” She turned to me. “Kelly, I’m glad to finally meet you. Liam’s told me a lot about you. Come on in. We can catch up later.”
I turned to Liam quickly. “I thought…I thought you’d come in with me,” I panicked.
>
He shot a questioning look at Hallie.
“Kelly, if you want him to sit in with us, I see no harm in it. I just have to ask you, is there anything I need to know he doesn’t know already?”
I shook my head. “No, nothing. He knows everything.”
“Okay, then. It might actually be helpful for him to sit in.” She ushered us into her office, and held her hand out, indicating we sit down in the large leather chairs in front of her desk. I sat down on the edge of the farthest. Liam sank down, crossing his ankle over his knee like he always did.
“Kelly, relax.” he said softly.
I slid back into the chair and crossed my legs.
Hallie rested her elbows on her desktop, much like Tana would have if I were sitting in her office. It made me a bit more at ease. She seemed more like a friend wanting to talk instead of a doctor.
“So, tell me something about yourself.”
I hesitated. How could I just begin, explain everything that had damaged me up till this point? Liam grasped my hand tightly, and nodded for me to continue. Once I started, my entire dysfunctional childhood poured out easily. After about ten minutes, Dr. Hallie stopped me.
“Okay, Kelly. You’re independent and beautiful. Why do you see yourself as damaged? Your past helped to shape who you are, but it doesn’t define you. You grew up in a dysfunctional family, but your past made you determined and strong. Why can’t you see yourself like that?”
“Because I wasn’t strong enough to stop him when my mother’s boyfriend raped me. I allowed it, and kept quiet.”
Dr. Hallie glanced over at Liam and then back to me. “How old were you, Kelly?”
“Fourteen. It was the year my mother died.”
“Would you blame another fourteen year old girl if she told you she was raped? Would you tell her she should have been stronger?”
I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears. “No.”
Liam grasped my hand tighter, and then cleared his throat. “She always sees the negative in everything about herself. I see the positive. Kelly kept quiet to protect her mother and little sister. He threatened to do the same to her kid sister if she fought him or told anyone.”
Dr. Hallie nodded, and then paused to type some notes on her laptop.
“Was the rape reported? I assume this was a grown man, over the age of eighteen,” she asked.
“He was my mother’s boyfriend…boss…at least thirty,” I replied softly. “My mother had just died. I went to live with my aunt. It was never reported.”
“Kelly, the things that happened to you in your past…you are who you are now because of your determination to overcome them. The past doesn’t define you. You’re who you are because of your good choices. Can you see the good in yourself?”
I nodded slowly.
“It takes time to build someone’s self-worth. Kelly has much to work with.” She turned to me. “I think you’re a remarkable young woman. I want to work with you, and I think I can help you.” She then paused again to type. After a moment, she shut her laptop and addressed Liam.
“Kelly has already told me enough for us to do some real work. What I need from you are some examples of some of the conflict you’ve had in your relationship. Kelly, when Liam called me, he told me you two are in a serious relationship, but you keep pulling away. What do you feel about yourself is going to cause him to be unhappy in the future?”
I studied my hands again.
“Kelly?” Liam asked softly. “Look at me.”
As I looked up into his eyes I murmured, “I don’t think I will ever want to have kids. Liam wants children.”
“Why don’t you want kids?”
“Guilt. I feel guilty, like I don’t deserve to have a baby.” I glanced up at Dr. Hallie, who was gazing at me intently.
“Why, Kelly? Why would you think that?”
“Because I had an abortion. I was raped by a man, and because of the shame and humiliation I felt, I had an abortion. I didn’t …I didn’t think it through,” I whispered, my voice shaking. Liam grasped my hand tightly, urging me to go on. “I never thought about the fact it was a baby--my baby, until later.”
“And if this thing had happened to you at twenty? Do you think you would have made a different decision?”
“Yes…no…I don’t know,” I hesitated.
“Kelly, how one feels about abortion is a very personal thing. Numerous things come into play when making that sort of decision, even if rape isn’t the reason for the pregnancy. Factor rape into the equation…and it will flip the world of the most steadfast pro-lifer upside down. I’ve counseled women before after they’ve had abortions. The feelings of guilt and worthlessness—a severe depression much like post-partum can linger for years. This is something we will need to talk about and work through. You may never change your mind about children. A wanted pregnancy later in life can bring all those negative feelings to the surface again.”
I nodded in understanding.
“Liam, how will you feel if she never changes her mind about children?”
“Then I’ll deal with it. I love her, and I don’t care about anything else.”
“Is there anything about Liam you feel brings out these feelings of inferiority?”
I nodded as he turned to look at me.
“Sometimes, when he buys me things…expensive things,” I murmured, fingering my bracelet, “it makes me think of my mother. I’m afraid of being like her. Sometimes, it makes me feel cheap.”
“Have you had fights about it?”
He nodded slowly.
“So, Liam…tell me, what do you hope comes out of my counseling Kelly?”
“That she will see herself like I do…beautiful, strong, sexy. I hope she will accept our relationship, and stop running away from me when she hurts or feels threatened. I want her to stand up to her demons, living or dead,” he murmured as I looked at him.
“What does he mean by that?”
I sat motionless, Senator Reeves face staring at me.
“Kelly?”
“He wants me to go to the authorities and report what my mother’s boyfriend did to me so long ago. He wants me to tell someone I suspect he might have been involved in my mother’s death.”
“He’s still alive? Do you still have contact with him?”
“No, not until recently, when we ran into him. I didn’t know how powerful he’d become.”
“Powerful…how do you mean powerful?”
“Dr. Orr, if I tell you what I know about someone, do you have to report it if it is a crime?”
“It depends. More than likely, no. This is a safe zone. I can’t talk about anything you tell me.”
“The man who raped me is Senator Reeves, now a candidate for Texas Governor.”
Dr. Orr’s eyes widened.
“He’s powerful in Texas politics, and so is Liam’s family. You see how complicated this all is,” I said as she shook her head.
“What you decide to do or not do regarding Reeves doesn’t concern me right now. Although I think you would gain some feelings of empowerment by confronting him and punishing him for what he did to you, and to your mother. But right now, I want to focus on you and on your relationship.”
“Yes, that’s what I want too,” I whispered.
“I want you to do something over the next two weeks, and then I’ll see you back here again. I want you to keep a journal, nothing daunting…just jot down actions, reactions and emotions. Whenever you feel like bolting, jot it down. When you and Liam disagree about your relationship, write it down. Can you do that?” she asked as she stood.
I nodded silently. Liam covered my hand with his
She spoke directly to him. “You do understand, her reaction to run away from you is a defense mechanism. She has built these walls to keep from getting hurt.”
Liam nodded, gazing down at me.
She continued, “I also have a great book I’d like for you to read, Kelly, about children who have survived sexual ab
use. I think it would help you heal some very old scars.”
I nodded at her as she handed me the book she’d just taken off of her book shelf.
“Just let me step out and ask my receptionist to get you an appointment card.”
I relaxed, realizing I had the hardest part behind me. “That wasn’t so bad. I like her, Liam.”
He nodded, kneeling down in front of me. “I’m so proud of you, baby. You’re an amazing woman,” he breathed, leaning close enough to brush my lips lightly with his. I closed my eyes, resting my forehead against his.
“Thank you. I never had the courage to talk about any of this, before you.”
* * *
We’d enjoyed a quiet night alone, no television. We lounged on a blanket in the floor, dining on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk. After talking and kissing for hours, we finally climbed into bed. We lay in the dark, Liam’s arms wrapped around me, my back pressed close to his muscular chest.
“What’s your favorite movie?” Liam asked me.
“I don’t know. That’s a hard one. It changes every year.”
“Okay…favorite old movie.”
“To Kill a Mockingbird,” I answered.
Liam kissed my neck. “You didn’t even hesitate on that one.” I could feel him smiling, his lips pressed into my hair. “That’s one of my favorites, too. Okay, favorite country singer?”
“Easy. Tim McGraw.”
Liam paused, and then rose over me to look down at me, one eyebrow cocked over his amazingly blue eyes. “Because of his looks or his singing ability?”
I didn’t answer, I only grinned up at him.
“Okay, now your turn,” I insisted. “Favorite fast food, when you were a kid?”
“McDonald’s French fries…salty, just out of the fryer. I could never eat enough of them,” he said adamantly as I giggled.
“I can’t imagine you eating McDonald’s fries…you’re such a health nut now,” I said, peering at the ceiling as he nuzzled my neck.
“Just pass one of those cardboard holders under my nose, and I’m a goner,” Liam exclaimed. “I’m still a sucker for those salty fries.”
Texas Hellcat Page 24
