The Man I Want to Be (Under Covers)

by Christina Elle

  Last night was the most incredible time of his life. The sounds she made. The way her body fit his. It was almost indescribable. Unmatched to anything he’d ever find again. But the nightmare he’d just had was a constant reminder that he couldn’t have what he most desired. Life had other plans, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

  No matter how right she felt, his situation remained unchanged.

  So for now, today, he was going to curl up with Kenna and hold her tightly enough to etch this memory in to his mind. If he was lucky, nightmares like this one would replace the one he’d been having since his accident.

  After last night, and what he was going to do her at this end of this week, he’d deserve it.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Two days. They had two more full days to find her mother’s ring and the other items taken.

  Tonight was the wedding rehearsal. The sun was just starting to set, which cast a perfect glow upon the wicker canopy with sheer white drapery and white roses. White safari chairs were already set up, as were tall silver candelabras with candles leading into each row. The weather was supposed to be milder the rest of the week with lower humidity. It was going to be a perfectly beautiful day.

  As long as they could track down their thief.

  Only members of the small wedding party, the brides’ and grooms’ parents, and grandparents were invited to the rehearsal. The rest of the guests had the evening free to explore the island. Kenna rested in one of the chairs in the front row, one leg crossed over the other, the skirt of her maxi dress flowing around her on the slight breeze as she waited for the wedding coordinator to give her directions on where she needed to stand.

  The coordinator, Laura, had a friendly face with kind blue eyes, easy smile, and confident demeanor that immediately put you at ease. Which was good since it seemed Sam and Cass were a little more wired than they’d been earlier in the week. Each bride paced in front of the canopy, Sam biting her fingernails and Cass twirling her long brown hair around her finger. Both women with a deep crease of anxiety between her eyes.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” Laura said, holding a small tablet and cell phone at her side. “May I have your attention?” With bleach-blonde hair, golden skin, and a white tank with long white skirt and sandals, she very much personified the true island persona.

  Kenna stood, following Laura’s voice toward the canopy.

  That’s when she saw him. Bear. Walking with that commanding gait he couldn’t hide if he tried. He crossed the sand in a simple white button-up that fit his broad shoulders, khaki linen shorts that hit his knee, showcasing his muscular thighs, and bare feet. The thought made her giggle. No untied boots tonight. His hair was smooth over his crown and secured at the base of his neck with a tie. She could barely believe her eyes, but his beard looked as if it had been combed and trimmed. It was less unruly than normal. More polished. Her heart did a little flutter, and her stomach, a small flip.

  Or that could’ve been the lingering memories of last night. The man had transformed before her eyes. He was so caring and cautious with her. Taking his time like he thought she might run at any second. When, in fact, she was the one terrified of him running away. In all their years together, they’d never made love. Not like that. They’d explored each other’s bodies. But nothing like last night. That was different. It meant something.

  He caught her stare, his features lighting up as he approached, keeping his attention only on her. Her insides started to warm. Her chest felt light. It was as if he was walking into her previous thoughts. It almost seemed like a dream. The soft white sand. The slight glow from the rising moon. The flicker from nearby candles. Everyone else around them disappeared. It was simply Kenna and Bear. Her Bear.

  “Hey,” he said once he was at her side.

  “You look nice.”

  He glanced down at himself like he forgot what he was wearing. “Thanks. Sam picked it out.”

  “Why would Sam pick out—?”

  “Hey, asshole,” Ash said on his way toward them. He gave Bear a once-over and shook his head. “You can’t take direction for shit, you know that?”

  “What?” Bryan asked, the tips of his ears coloring.

  “The wedding,” Ash said, gesturing to Bear. “You’re supposed to wear that for the wedding, you dipshit. Not the wedding rehearsal.”

  He scanned Ash’s attire, which wasn’t white and khaki. “But…but…”

  “But nothing,” Ash said. “You better get your ass up to your room and change before Sam sees you. Otherwise we’re both dead.”

  Bryan glanced at his watch, panic rising across his face like a second skin.

  “May I ask for the brides and grooms to join me, please?” Laura called out from under the canopy.

  “Forget it. We’re starting now.” Ash started to walk away but threw over his shoulder, “Just don’t get anything on yourself tonight. Christ.”

  Once Ash was out of earshot, Bryan swiped a palm down the front of his shirt, which she noticed was wrinkle-free. “Fuck.”

  “You’re adorable,” she said, unable to hold off the laugh bubbling up inside her.

  He snapped a look at her.

  “You are. You were so worried about looking nice for Sam and Cass. It’s incredibly thoughtful. I love it.”

  A smile finally cracked his worried expression. “Thanks. Hopefully Sam doesn’t mind too much.”

  “It’ll be fine.” She looped an arm in the crook of his elbow. “Trust me.”

  They made it through the rehearsal without any major blips. Bryan didn’t hold Kenna’s arm the way Laura suggested. The violinist didn’t play “Here Comes the Bride” at an adequate tempo for both brides to get down the aisle before it ended. And someone misjudged high tide because halfway through the practice a large rush of water came up over the hill and pooled around everyone’s feet. But Sam and Cass didn’t seem to mind any of it. Once they’d gotten through the formality of the rehearsal, and their fiancés’ arms went around them, and they were told to practice their first kiss as husband and wife, they both seemed to relax.

  Dinner was being served at an oceanfront restaurant attached to the resort. It was where the reception would also take place. Everything was outdoors. Yellow, twinkling lights were strung to the dark canopy above, white hydrangeas in glass vases were strategically placed along the center of the elongated table accented by various-size candles. It was romantic and classy. There was another long table behind theirs, currently empty, which would house the rest of the wedding guests for the reception tomorrow night.

  “Want something to drink?” Bryan asked.

  “Wine, please.”

  As Bear made his way to the bar on the other side of the patio, Kenna scanned the table. Place cards had been set out with everyone’s names in black script. She found hers near the middle, smiling when she noticed she would be sitting next to Aunt Estelle and Bryan.

  She picked up Bryan’s card and reread his name. How formal and classic it looked in the beautiful font. So different from the man himself, who wasn’t formal or classic. And she loved him for it. She always would. He knew who he was and be damned with anyone who didn’t like it.

  She placed the card back onto the table, then pulled out her chair, hopelessness filling her. The prospect that they may never get that ring back at all was too much for Kenna to process. It was the only thing she had left of her mom. It was something she’d always thought she’d pass down to her own daughter. Her own daughter whom she would never have because there was no other man for her but Bear. No one else she wanted to share the beauty of parenthood with.

  Spending time with Bryan again had been amazing. It was all she’d wanted for so long. But how did multiple orgasms help her find her mother’s ring? It didn’t. She’d gotten distracted by his body and her lust for it. That never-ending ache low in her belly that only he could extinguish. Once again, she was blinded by her love for him.

  If he didn’t want her long term,
which he said he didn’t, and things would never be like they used to be, then what good was acting as if he did? What good was it to imagine that this time they might actually make it work? That they’d leave this island together.

  They wouldn’t.

  He came back to the table, handing her a glass of red wine, lowering his voice as he sat. “Just had an interesting conversation at the bar.”

  Now what?

  She took a sip and prepared herself.

  “Remember that couple I told you about? The ones who thought her mother’s watch was stolen?”

  Kenna nodded. Richard and Claire. Their family heirloom went missing around the same time as Kenna’s ring.

  “They found it.”

  “You mean they found the thief?” she nearly gasped. “They got the watch back?”

  Bryan shook his head. “She found it in their room this morning. No one took it.”

  He looked at her, and the unspoken question hung between them until Kenna adamantly said, “I searched. Trust me, I looked everywhere. The ring isn’t in my room.”

  His shoulders sagged, and his face said he figured as much.

  Oh, how she wished it were that easy. Especially since the ring and the brooch seemed to have evaporated into thin air. No leads. No more suspects. Nothing.

  “There’s something else I need to tell you.”

  The glass rested on her lips, red wine ready to pour over into her mouth, but she lowered it onto the table and waited. “Go ahead.”

  He chewed on whatever he had to say a moment longer, then, “Clint’s gone.”

  “What?” She gathered herself enough to quietly hiss, “Gone where? What happened?”

  “While we were at Clint’s place, I found drugs.” When she opened her mouth, most likely to berate him for not telling her, he flashed a palm. “Save it. I didn’t know if it had anything to do with our investigation. Just in case it did, I passed his name to the cops. Figured he was worth a second look. But something must’ve spooked him because he bolted. They have a few leads on where he might have went. They’re confident they’ll catch up to him pretty quick.”

  “So he did it,” she said. “He wouldn’t run from the cops if he was innocent, right?”

  Bryan sipped his beer, his expression clearly saying he had similar suspicions. “We won’t know more until they catch him.”

  That made her think about the ferry and her deal with Finn. She quickly recounted the story to Bryan about how she’d asked Finn, the driver of The Bay Bee, to text her if any man with dark hair and lean build tried to leave the island. If Finn hadn’t contacted her, then Clint hadn’t tried to escape that way.

  “The cops are on it. Trust the process, Kenna.”

  Easier said than done. Especially since Bryan’s eyes shadowed with doubt that the cops would actually come through.

  “Bryan, I feel like a broken record, but this time I’m really worried. What if they don’t find him? What if we don’t find the ring? The wedding is tomorrow.”

  She knew he heard her voice crack because his eyes took on a hard glint. He brought his face to her level. “Don’t talk like that. We will. I promise.”

  Kenna closed her eyes and inhaled a fast, deep breath to hold off the frustrated tears gathering in her eyes. “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because I never make promises I can’t keep.”

  The cut through her stomach was quick and efficient. As if he’d pulled that fancy knife he’d had the other night out of his belt and jammed it into her side. He didn’t realize what he said. What his words meant. Promises didn’t mean anything to Bryan Tyke. She knew that firsthand.

  “So…” she started but had to tamp down the rise of anger. “What about us? What was that? Didn’t you make me a promise?”

  Almost instantly she watched his fire die. Regret. Anger. Despair replaced it. “Not tonight, Kenna,” he said barely audible. His voice was pleading.

  Kenna quickly scanned the area, noticing most of the wedding party at the bar, laughing and talking. Everyone enjoying the evening with one another, not caring about the past. Simply relishing in their time in the present. The time they had together before the week came to an end. And of course, the beginning of a new shared life for Ash and Sam, and Luke and Cass. A long-lasting, picturesque marriage as husband and wife.

  “If not tonight, when?” The week was just about over. It’s not like she’d be able to have this conversation later. Once they left the island, she’d never see him again. Her emotions started getting the better of her. Started making it hard to see and think straight. The lump in her throat made it difficult to get the next words out. “Were you ever going to tell me why you never came back? Or was your plan to leave me hanging forever? Because that’s exactly what happened, Bryan. I waited for you. For years.”

  He squeezed his eyes closed and massaged his temples. “Kenna. I can’t do this—”

  She finally cleared her throat enough to thrust her words at him. “You never could, could you? You never planned to come back. Like a fool I waited for something that wasn’t going to happen. How could you do that to me?” She jabbed a finger in his chest, and this time he recoiled. He absorbed the impact by curling his shoulders forward and dropping his chin to his chest. “I would’ve done anything for you. Would’ve turned myself inside out if that’s what it would’ve taken.”

  “I wouldn’t have let you.”

  “Yeah, well,” she continued, “that would’ve been nice to know before you promised me you’d come back. Would’ve saved me a hell of a lot of time caring about something that wasn’t real.” She huffed out a breath and gathered a bunch of his linen shirt in her fist. “I feel sorry for you, you know that? You’re alone because you choose to be. And I won’t be a part of it anymore. I’m over you, Bryan. It’s time I start living my life. You gave me everything I needed in your bed. I’ve had my fill, and now I’m finished with you. I’m going to find it with someone else. I’ve wasted too much time thinking you’d come to your senses. That you’d change. That my love for you would be enough. But you don’t change. You never did.”

  “Great,” he said with a shake of his head. “I knew this was gonna happen. I knew you’d get attached. We never should’ve slept together. We promised. You promised.”

  “So this is my fault?” she said, affronted. “Really? You’re going to blame me for thinking—no, believing—you’d changed?”

  “What’s going on here?” Aunt Estelle said. She placed her short glass of clear liquid on the table in front of them. Spearing Kenna and Bryan with a stern look, she crossed her arms over her snug-fitting navy sleeveless top. “Someone start talkin’.”

  “It’s nothing,” Kenna said, throwing up her wall. She smiled at her aunt as she stood. “This is a huge misunderstanding. But it’s all sorted out now. We’re good. Aren’t we, Bryan?”

  He wiped all emotion from his face and flicked a final hard look at Kenna. “Yeah. It’s done.”

  She gave a quick nod. “Good. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

  Kenna brushed past Bryan and moved as fast as she could away from the crowd without drawing too much attention to herself in the process. She caught Sam’s stare, but she smiled and mouthed, Not feeling well. Going to lie down. Sorry. Sam darted a glance over Kenna’s shoulder at Bryan and Aunt Estelle. She didn’t know how they reacted because she wasn’t turning around to check.

  She, of course, crossed directly in front of Michael Tucker, suspect number one and the man she’d left naked in the shower a few days ago. Faltering a step, she groaned. She attempted a pathetic smile and a sorry again, to which she earned an eye roll back, before continuing on her way.

  Kenna made it through the doors to the back of the resort before she crumbled to the ground, knees to her chest, hands covering her face. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she couldn’t get enough oxygen into her lungs.

  This was what she needed. The closure. And while she didn’t get the answers she needed from him, she
had to accept that she never would. What mattered was what she said. She told him how she felt and what he’d done to her. That’s all she’d ever wanted to do.

  To make sure he knew how badly he’d hurt her.

  Even if the pain would never subside.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Tyke stood next to the table, unable to move as he watched her go. Estelle hustled after her niece, but given Kenna’s speed, it would be a miracle if the old broad caught up with her.

  He wanted to go after her. Chase her down and make her understand. Explain why he couldn’t make her happy.

  He had a passing thought that she’d turn around and come back. For Sam’s benefit. But her hatred for Tyke must’ve been a lot stronger than her love for her friend.

  He knew she hated him. Hell, he hated himself. But to hear it. To listen to the words in that strangled voice of hers. To hear how broken she’d been over him. How his leaving still affected her. It ripped him up. His insides were in shreds. He’d been selfish to think they’d be able to get through this week without incident. Without reliving their past.

  And he was stupid to think he was over her.

  He’d been ashamed of himself for so long. Disappointed he couldn’t be who she needed. That he’d betrayed her trust. But he saw now that she needed to know. Otherwise, she’d never get over the past. She’d hold his leaving against him forever. And she deserved to be free of him. To truly move on and not look back. Once she knew why he never came back all those years ago, she’d understand. She’d finally be done with him. For good.

  It’s what they both needed.

  Even if he’d live in misery for the rest of his life. At least he could go on knowing she wasn’t suffering anymore. He wanted to give that to her.

  He had to tell her. Fuck forgiveness or apologies. He just needed her to know why he didn’t come back.

  “Hey, man,” Calder’s concerned voice came up behind him about the same time that he stood at Tyke’s side and gripped a hand onto his shoulder. “You okay?”

  “Fine.” Tyke threw his head back and inhaled a huge gulp of beer. Not that it would do anything to numb him. Might take the edge off. But at this point, he’d take what he could get.