Travesty

by Carrie Thomas

  At her words, I internally sighed in relief. It wasn’t that I’d even given the level of her cleanliness a second thought—which was completely out of the ordinary for me—but I was relieved she wanted to be.

  I turned the knob to the shower, praying they had hot water, then undressed. As I shed my shirt, I caught my reflection in the mirror. My battered body was tired. I was able to hide the knot on my forehead with my bangs. I brushed them back, still shocked I even had the knot. After inspecting it, my hand slowly trailed my naked skin down to the bruises on my ribs. They appeared to be turning darker as the day wore on.

  I ran my fingers up my ribcage as I followed the discolored skin all the way up to my neck. Every spot I touched was sore. My neck felt knotted up and my back needed to be popped. It felt tight and stiff. It was so overwhelming to think about the situation in its entirety, so I just chose to concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now, it was my body.

  I took my pants and underwear off and put them in a pile. I slipped Abe’s socks and shoes off and put them in the corner. I pulled the brush Abe bought for me through my blonde locks and racked my brain silently, trying to remember any memories from my past.

  I leaned into the mirror, trying to force the sky-blue eyes to come up with something. I could remember strange things, like who was president, or that my favorite band was Foo Fighters. I knew what seven times seven was, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember my name. Why is this so diffican’t?

  Hopping in the shower, I bent my head forward, letting the water run over my head. I was perfectly content with the half-assed massage, even though it hurt, due to the knot in my neck. I stared at my sparkling silver toenail polish and a toe-ring on my right foot. I must have been fun. Maybe I was witty and popular. Or a cheerleader. Nerd? Artsy misfit?

  Once the water cooled, I washed my body so vigorously, I felt like I could have rubbed my skin off. I felt filthy, like that basement had carried STD’s and I’d been exposed to all of them. I repeated the same movements over and over. Wash then rinse, then wash again. The soap smelled wonderful, and I felt like I couldn’t get enough of it. I washed my full body three times and my hair twice. I was getting exhausted standing up for so long, and my brain was tired from thinking too much, trying to make sense of it all.

  I’d spent half of the drive pretending to be asleep, all the while repeating to myself the importance of trying to stay positive. It was either that, or I’d break down completely. I didn’t have one answer to any of the questions swirling in my head, but I was alive. That was something.

  I tried hard not to think about the actual abduction. I didn’t want to remember how someone had taken me, but I felt like I needed that piece of information to figure out the rest of it. I knew deep down I hadn’t gone with those people willingly.

  My time with Abe was comforting me though. He was sweet and gentle. He made me feel safe, like every move he made was an attempt to make me better.

  I didn’t have the energy to stay in the shower as long as I’d wanted. I was physically exhausted, even though I hadn’t done anything the past day but ride. My body needed rest and time to heal. I just felt like such a burden with Abe carting me around. I wanted to be able to keep up with him. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. I wasn’t sure why I cared what he thought of me, but I did.

  Dang it, I didn’t bring any clothes in here with me. I wrapped my hair up in one of the cheap towels hanging above the toilet and my body in another one. I wasn’t a big girl by any means, but the small strip of fabric covering my body made me feel like one. The towels were so small, they could have almost passed for a hand towel. I was a little self-conscious about asking Abe to bring my clothes to me, but I wasn’t walking out in front of him looking like a street-walker.

  “Abe?”

  He didn’t respond. Surely, he hadn’t left me.

  I swallowed hard, trying not to panic. “Abe?” I tried again, only louder this time. Again, I was met with silence. Vigorously drying myself, missing half of my body, I quickly wrapped the towel around me again. Knotting it just above my breast, I made a dash out into the room, trying not to freak out.

  I just wanted to get dressed and find Abe. I had almost reached the plastic grocery bag holding my new clothes, as I looked up, shocked to find Abe sitting on the end of the bed. Ear buds stuck in his ears, he held his phone in his hand. Our eyes met and I felt relieved. Then embarrassed.

  His body went ridged, eyes growing two times their normal size.

  I gripped both sides of my towel, pulling it up as if it would magically stretch and cover more of my body. He followed my movements, not speaking. The silence was awkward, but his facial expression didn’t make me uncomfortable. His eyes shone bright, causing me to forget what we were even doing in a hotel room.

  “I forgot my new clothes,” I tugged at the towel again, then pulled the bottom down as I pilfered through the bags.

  “Uh . . .”

  “Hmm?” I turned back to see him in the same spot and position. He hadn’t looked away like I’d wanted him to. He hadn’t even blinked as far as I could tell. It was interesting to note, even with my battered body, he liked looking at me. I waved my hand, trying to get his attention.

  “Huh?” He blinked again and met my gaze.

  “You were about to say something.”

  “Sorry, I don’t remember.” He swallowed.

  I shrugged and turned back around to grab my night clothes. I pulled them out quickly and kept my head down as I walked back to the bathroom and closed the door. After dropping the lid on the toilet, I sat down and sighed.

  I felt as though I had fifty emotions flowing through me all at once. My nerves were shaky and my heart felt heavy. It was as though I was wearing myself out trying to make sense of everything. My mind seemed muddled and unstable when I was left alone. When I was around Abe, I relaxed a little. And even though I knew I wasn’t any better off, I felt like I was.

  I still didn’t know who I was or what I was going to do. The unknown was torturing me like a black cloud hovering above, threatening to swallow me whole. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to know who I was—what I liked, what I didn’t. Not having my identity made me feel flighty. I was constantly searching for anything I could relate to, yet nothing was familiar.

  I dropped my clothes on the ground, placed my hands over my eyes and cried. Tears streamed down my face, letting out the heavy burden I’d kept inside since the first time they’d hit me. Every single tear that fell released the fear, the anger, and the constant agony of being mentally blind.

  Like poking a tiny hole into a balloon, emotions released from inside me, taking the power away from my captors. I wasn’t giving the abduction any more value. I didn’t want it to become the most important thing in my life. I let as much of it go as I could, feeling lighter. I wouldn’t forgive them, but I would refocus on the life ahead of me. I’d made it through for some reason, and I wanted to make the most of it.

  I should’ve been terrified or angry, but I wasn’t. Abe was so sure we’d figure everything out, I’d started to believe him. Even though we didn’t know each other, I had a feeling he’d lived through things far worse than I’d just gone through, and that made me want to be near him. To make sure those things never happened to him again.

  After catching my breath, I dried my eyes with the towel I’d wrapped my hair in and got dressed. I hated to admit feeling happy by the fact that he’d looked at me so caring earlier. Honestly, that connection between us was probably somehow responsible for me finally coming to terms with the whole situation.

  Something had passed between us, as if we were seeing each other in a different light. Like we were realizing as little as we’d both known about one another, the bond we had now was soul deep. The pull I felt wasn’t sexual in nature, although he was easy on the eyes. It was like I was drawn to him. Our link was rooted and I knew whatever happened, he’d always be a part of me. It was weird.

  I got dressed in
the nightgown we’d purchased. It’d looked bigger on the hanger. Once I had it on, it hit me mid-thigh, making me feel self-conscious about picking something so flirty. Maybe I should have just bought boxers and a T-shirt.

  Walking out, we made eye contact and I knew he felt it too. The silence grew between us and even though I was a little timid, I wasn’t self-conscious anymore. It was bizarre how his gaze continued to give me confidence.

  “Umm, I called the police again. There still hasn’t been any reports of anyone missing in that area. If I wouldn’t have heard Pat talking about you, I would almost guess you weren’t from there.”

  I nodded and walked over to the bed. Pulling the blankets back, I slid in on the side closest to the window. I knew it was weak, but I wanted him on the side closest to the door, so he could protect me. Even though I’d decided to move forward mentally, I was still gun-shy about the possibilities of it happening again.

  “I’m gonna get in the shower now.”

  Tingles shot up my arms, causing me to feel frightened at the fact he was going to be out of my sight. It had been different when I’d gone into another room and he’d stayed behind. He’d been between me and any possible danger. Now, I’d be left alone, with nothing between me and the outside world, except for a lousy hotel door.

  My blood-pressure was on the rise and I couldn’t shake the anxiousness creeping up. “Abe, wait,” I whispered, glancing at the door.

  “Yeah?”

  I was being unreasonable. “Never mind.” I wrapped my arms around my middle.

  I’d just had a moment of strength in the bathroom and I wanted to continue the positive thinking. I kept glancing over at the hotel door, trying to force myself to act like an adult. I couldn’t get past the point that someone might break in the room while he was indisposed.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, walking back over to the bed.

  “I’m . . .”

  “You’re what? Just tell me.” He stood over me with a concerned look on his face.

  “I’m scared,” I admitted, looking back at the door, even though it was locked.

  “It’s okay,” he said, following my gaze. “Do you want to sit by the bathroom door while I shower? I’ll keep it open so I can hear you.”

  I felt stupid. The whole thing was stupid. I was going to sit on the bathroom floor while a boy I’d known less the shelf-life of a carton of milk took a shower. Naked. I gave myself grief and questioned my sanity.

  He brought his hand up to my cheek. “It’s okay. You’ve been through a lot. It won’t always be like this.” His touch was soft, barely skimming my skin.

  “I don’t know. Diffican’t comes to mind,” I said, smiling sadly.

  “You know what comes to my mind every time you say that? Diffican. It’s difficult, but you can do it.” He laughed and rolled his eyes, like he couldn’t believe he’d said it.

  I lit up from the inside out at his words. I couldn’t believe he’d turned it around on me. He’d turned my pessimism into something positive. “Well played.” I giggled.

  “I’m bright like that. Now come on and guard the bathroom door. There’s an over-eager, gross desk clerk who will probably try and sneak a peek. You’ll take care of her, right?” He winked, holding out his hand for me to take.

  Placing my hand in his, I linked our fingers together. “I’ll cut a bitch.”

  Abe barked out a laugh and pulled me to the bathroom. Once we hit the doorway, he let go of my hand and went on about his business. I stood there with my arms crossed, nervous about the fact he was about to undress. He started the shower and stepped back. I watched intently as he tugged the neck line of his shirt, pulling it from the back over his broad shoulders.

  “Here, sit on this.” He grabbed a towel off the rack.

  “Thanks,” I said, putting it on the floor and sitting on it.

  I turned my back to him as he unbuttoned his jeans. Obviously, he wasn’t as shy as I was. I pulled the hem of my nightgown down, stretching it over my folded knees, making sure to cover any exposed skin.

  When I heard him pull the shower curtain closed, I turned my body sideways so that I could see both the shower and the door to our hotel room. “Are you from Oklahoma, Abe?” I decided to start asking him questions again, to take my mind off how uncomfortable I was making everything.

  “Yep.” He was talking louder than normal, so I could hear him over the shower spray.

  I wasn’t staring at him, but I couldn’t help but notice how fast his hands were moving as he covered his body with the hotel soap. I swung my hair over my shoulder and started braiding it absently as I asked another question. “How old were you when you went into foster care?”

  “Four.”

  “Oh.” I couldn’t imagine what I’d just gone through being an actual life. It made me sick to think of him in that home.

  “It’s all right. I don’t mind discussing it, I just don’t remember a lot from that time.”

  “What parts of your memory are the most vivid?” I only asked because I was having trouble forgetting any of it.

  “Thirteen and on. That’s how old I was when I went to live with them.” His answer made me feel a little better.

  “Do you know why they took me?”

  After a long pause, he said, “That same day I found you, I heard them talking.”

  “What did they say?”

  He was completely still behind the curtain. “They wanted you to take my place.”

  “Take your place?” I was confused by what that meant.

  He opened the shower curtain. I was so enthralled in what his answer would be, I didn’t even turn my head. He grabbed the towel off the rack and wrapped it around his waist.

  “I’ve had a job since I was thirteen. They didn’t let me go to school. I had to work and give them the money. They were going to make you do the same thing.” The look of shame he had almost shattered me.

  “I’m sorry you had to do that. You were so young.”

  “It’s all over now. I don’t plan on looking in the past,” he said, pulling his boxers on.

  I got up and climbed into the bed while pulling the blankets up to my chin. Abe grabbed a pillow off the bed and put it on the floor. He’d taken an extra blanket down from the small closet, not saying anything else.

  I watched him closely as he made his pallet on the floor. He never once complained. Even though I could appreciate his chivalry, I wanted him next to me. I needed him close, even though I didn’t fully understand why.

  He’d taken his spot on the floor and grunted around for a bit, trying to get comfortable. I laid there, silent with my thoughts. I was embarrassed to ask him to sleep with me. After a few moments, he was silent as well, which made me think he was truly okay with the floor.

  “Abe?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I feel kind of weird asking you this, but would you mind sleeping up here with me?”

  “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

  “I’d feel better.” I knew it was clingy and probably strange for me to ask such a personal thing from him, and without meaning to, I’d changed the dynamic of our relationship. Neither of us spoke about it, but both of us knew. I could’ve played it off, but my peace of mind meant more to me.

  “Okay, but if you fart . . . I’m out.”

  I laughed. I loved how he made me feel okay about asking for help.

  He climbed into bed. At first, we both laid on our backs, barely breathing. I could tell he was as nervous as I was. His body was stiff and he didn’t look at me for a long minute. We both stayed silent, letting the fact that we were actually going to sleep together sink in. I wasn’t uneasy about being near him, it was more the feeling I was having being that close to him in an intimate setting.

  Rolling on my side, I slowly scooted backward until my back touched his side. I reached behind me and grabbed his hand, pulling on it. He took my cue and rolled into me, his arm carefully wrapped around my middle. I took his hand in mine a
nd laced our fingers together.

  We both needed the comfort the other was providing. Relieved, I relaxed for the first time in what felt like forever, not petrified of falling asleep. Neither of us said goodnight to each other.

  “Abe!” I gasped, sitting straight up out of a deep sleep. I had no idea what time it was, but it was still dark outside.

  “What? What is it?” His hair was haphazardly sticking up, his breathing heavy as he bolted up next to me.

  “Sophia.” Hope settled in my chest as I said the name.

  “Sophia?” he asked, as I turned to him.

  “My name. Sophia. I remember my name.” I hugged him, feeling like all was not lost. If I could remember my name, more would come.

  She was so happy, like a child at Christmas. I cleared my throat, while I tried to conjure up excitement in my next statement. The last thing I wanted was to freak her out by being inside my own wonderment instead of encouraging her. “That’s awesome! Can you think of anything else?”

  “I don’t remember my last name, but I definitely know Sophia is my first name and I know that I’m sixteen. It was like I was dreaming and it came to me. I wish there was more. It’s frustrating to get bits and pieces.”

  “It’s okay. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re doing great, Soph.”

  “Soph?” She smiled.

  If I had been the kind of guy to blush, I’m sure her calling me out on the pet name would have done it. But I wasn’t. “I like it.” I shrugged. “Go back to sleep and maybe something else will come to you. We’ve got to get up early so we can make it to the ranch on time.”

  “Goodnight, Abe.” She rolled over again.

  “Night, Soph.” I faintly kissed her hair. It wasn’t something I planned to do, but it felt right.

  I was having my own revelations, even though I wasn’t sharing them with her. I had never held anyone before. No matter the circumstances, having someone else’s body touching mine for hours had not been something appealing to me. But with her, it was different.

  Her body molded perfectly to mine and she didn’t push me for more. She was perfectly happy with the amount of closeness I was able to give. Granted, it wasn’t like that with us. It was more, because she didn’t have any choice, as there was no one else around to help her. But that didn’t mean she had to have me sleep next to her. And my skin didn’t prickle at her request, with my brain in constant turmoil over whether or not she’d washed her body properly. It was more than surface stuff with her.