“Happy birthday.”
“Thank you! You too.” She smiled.
The weird thing was, before she’d remembered her birthday, I was planning on giving her mine, so it would be easy for us to remember. We both thought it was cool it had worked out that way.
“I thought we could have dinner, then I could treat you to dessert at the Dairy Queen. I can manage the grill, but me baking is not something either of us want to deal with.” I shook my head at the thought.
“That sounds amazing.”
I made sure to memorize the smile she gave me. I never wanted to forget it, or the fact something so little had put it there. I loved that about her. She didn’t expect a whole lot. Not in a demeaning way. She was happy with the little things. I handed her the gift and watched as she opened it.
“Abe! Two hundred dollars? You shouldn’t have done this!” Her eyes grew in size as she took in her present.
Her reaction excited me. I was happy she was smiling so much. For a while there, after I’d been so angry with her for going out and partying and not keeping in touch with me, things had been awkward. It seemed both of us were wondering where we stood with each other.
“I wanted you to be able to get some new stuff.” I shrugged.
“Thank you, I love it. I can’t wait to go shopping.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I’m sorry, but I had to make yours. I didn’t have any money,” she said looking bashful.
I opened the box and my eyes weren’t able to focus. I had never seen anything so artistic before. My stomach felt as if it was taking off outside of my body. It was a collage of me and her—the pictures we had taken together on our phones. They were all in black and white, with the wooden block I’d kept all these years in the center of the pictures. My chest got heavy at the meaning of it. No one had ever put so much thought into getting me a present before. Honestly, I hadn’t had a birthday present in so long, I hadn’t even considered receiving one.
I was overwhelmed with emotion. I tried to speak, but had to swallow again to compose myself. “Soph, this is so damn awesome. I can’t believe you made this,” I choked out, turning the collage over in my hands. The quote in the middle stood out like a neon light.
“That whole strong thing kind of fits us, so I just went with it.” She smiled.
“Thank you.” My voice sounded strange, weak and strained, almost as if I didn’t have the strength to push it out of my mouth.
“It’s nothing, you spent so much money on me.” She shrugged, her blouse slipping off her bare shoulder. My eyes followed the piece of material, almost hypnotizing me, until it stopped just shy of her elbow.
I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I knew I was crossing yet another line, but I had never felt the true feeling of someone caring about me. It slayed me how this beautiful creature, who could’ve crawled inside herself and completely shut down, was thinking of me on the day I was born.
My rough hand found its way to her soft arm and ran slowly up the contour of her shoulder to her neck. I brought her to me. With one last glance into the most beautiful blue I’d ever seen, I wrapped my arms around her, holding on for dear life. I clung to her like my sad, pathetic life depended on it.
In an unexpected reaction, she hugged me back. Her arms wrapped around my waist, hands moving up my back slowly. Even though I wasn’t speaking, I felt like she was pulling out every word I could’ve ever said to her. I felt weightless in her arms. True peace. I imagined a different time and place. One where she could be mine and I could be everything she’d ever need—our pasts wouldn’t matter because we’d just make a new life and never look back.
I didn’t want the moment to end, but tempting us was a mistake. With us spending so much time together and not having any outside influences, we leaned on each other for everything. She leaned on me because she had no choice, and I leaned on her because it was so much better than being alone.
I wasn’t aware I could even feel the feelings I had for Sophia. I found myself fighting harder to not fall for her with every day that passed. It was an odd feeling, caring about someone. I wanted her days to be filled with laughter and kindness. I wanted her to be happy, and as ironic as it was, I wanted her to be able to forget what had happened to her. Why did she have to remember the bad stuff? I wished I could take it away. And it was frustrating that the worst thing that had ever happened to her, was the absolute best thing that had ever happened to me.
As we held each other in complete silence, I closed my eyes and took one last breath of the strawberry shampoo she’d picked out our first night in the house. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself, or her. It wasn’t fair to either of us. We were getting too intimate and I knew she was feeling it too. But at the same time, I didn’t want the moment to pass without her knowing exactly how much the gesture meant to me.
I wanted to kiss her so badly, it was like losing a piece of myself every second I didn’t act on it. I wasn’t sure how I could put into words what I wanted her to know, without giving her mixed signals. But for some reason, the truth rolled off my tongue before I thought about the embarrassment of being stripped bare in front of her.
“I haven’t had a birthday present since I was nine,” I spoke into her hair.
She squeezed me tighter and turned her cheek so it was resting against my chest. I knew my heart was racing a mile a minute, yet somehow, it was okay she was feeling it. “You won’t ever go another birthday like that again. Not as long as I’m around.”
I squeezed my eyes shut at her words. “Thank you.”
“Don’t ever thank me for caring about you. You care about me, I care about you. We’ve got each other’s backs.”
“It feels good, having you here with me.”
“I know. I feel it too.”
“But I feel guilty. You’re not where you’re supposed to be.” I hated to bring up anything dark, but once I’d started spewing the truth, it continued to roll out.
She kept her arms wrapped around me, but stepped back so she could look in my eyes. “Don’t, Abe. Neither one of us can help what happened. I’ve cried enough over this and I don’t want to waste any more time feeling like crap.” She sounded as if she’d made her mind up.
Honestly, I was a little relieved. With her stepping back to speak, it broke the moment up. “You’re right.” I sighed. “Are you ready for dessert? I feel like some ice cream.”
She untangled herself from me, nodding her head.
The rest of the night was incredible. I think it was the most natural, fun night we’d had together. Sophia was opening up more about the friends she’d made. And as much as I hadn’t liked it, she’d mentioned she was going out with a guy from school. I didn’t want anyone near her, but it wasn’t fair for me to be a dick about it either. If I wasn’t going to act on my feelings, she deserved some sort of affection.
As we said our good nights, I felt peaceful going to bed. I wondered if this was how normal people felt, people who had people caring about them all of the time. Sleep overtook, and for the first time in a long time—I wasn’t dreading it. I welcomed it.
I sulked around the house for the next few days, not wanting to see Sophia with her new guy. Cal and Tonya were hosting a party tonight to celebrate their pregnancy. Tonya wasn’t too thrilled about it, but Cal wasn’t hearing it. He wanted the whole world to know and had invited half the town.
We went to the main house before the party to help get everything prepared. I hadn’t voiced my opinion on the Rob guy because I didn’t want Sophia mad at me. I wasn’t trying to be around a pissed-off woman twenty-four hours a day. Plus, I didn’t want her upset.
“Cal, we have plenty of food. Will you stop worrying?” Tonya said from the kitchen.
“I’m not worried, baby. I just want everyone to have a good time.”
“It’s going to be perfect,” Soph added.
“Do you want me to bring those hay bales around back?” I asked Cal.
“Yeah,
see if Paco can help. Thanks, Abe.”
“No problem.”
I had to admit, once everyone arrived, it was a fun party. Cal introduced me to all of his hometown friends. They were all older than me, but I got along with them well, enjoying their old stories. At one point, they had me rolling over a story about one of Cal’s buddies putting a dead deer in the driver’s side of his truck. It had been after a high school football game, and Cal had thrown the game-winning touchdown. He’d been on a high like no other leaving the locker room. Tonya piped in and described Cal’s facial expression when he noticed the deer.
“It was so funny. His eyes grew four times their size, and he took off running, leaving me behind.” She laughed. “I knew Dirk had something to do with it. They were always playing pranks on each other. Cal took off running back into the stadium, and came back eight minutes later with a swollen hand.”
Everyone was in stitches as she told the story, and Cal’s buddy, Dirk, was too until she added the part where Cal hit him. They ribbed each other a bit more until the stories got too detailed and Tonya had to remind them her mother was present.
Sam, Tyler, Rob, and Sophia all hung out around the fire. It was hard keeping my eyes off her. It was a blessing and a curse. She looked beautiful, but that douchebag was holding her every chance he got. And she must have liked it because she didn’t stop his advances.
I hadn’t realized I had a scowl on my face until Paco slid up next to me and said, “Man, it must suck to see your baby sister gettin’ pawed at.”
I shrugged like it was no big deal. “I don’t love it.”
“You look pissed.” He took a pull off his beer that I would have paid ten dollars for at that moment. “Tread carefully, Abe. She’s a smart girl, give her a little credit.”
“Is this from experience?”
“You could say that.” He smiled.
I nodded my head and left the bonfire. It was for the best. I didn’t want to watch her with him anymore, and if Paco noticed how it was affecting me, then everyone else would be able to as well. Plus, it wasn’t fair to Sophia.
I made my way over to an old tree stump, when I noticed a girl laying on the ground. “Hey, you okay?” I bent down to take a closer look.
“Yeah, my brother pissed me off, so I decided to hide from him to teach him a lesson.”
I chuckled a little bit. “Good one. Do you mind?” I asked, sitting down when she shook her head. “Who’s your brother?”
“Paco.”
“Paco?” I scooted farther away from her.
“Yeah, why?” She was looking at me slightly amused now.
“Umm, I just—I’ve never seen you around.”
“You’re the only damn person around here who’s not aware of it.” She sat up and picked a twig out of her hair.
I would’ve had to have been blind not to notice her. She was pretty. Her dark features were similar to Paco’s, and her brown eyes were so dark, they all most looked black. She had a hard edge to her. Her clothes were skimpy and her attitude was nonchalant. She was completely opposite of Sophia, which I didn’t know why that mattered.
“Sorry, I’m still considered new, I guess. I’m Abe,” I said sticking my hand out for her.
She eyed me suspiciously. I waited patiently as she looked me over. It was as though she was considering whether or not she wanted to introduce herself. “I’m Tori. Paco’s talked about you a bit.”
“Oh yeah? I hope he didn’t tell ya what a scrote-bag I am.” I kept my facial expression blank because I could already tell she would dig a little bit of humor and mystery. Plus, it was like riding a bike. I’d been able to slip right back into the guy I’d been not too long ago. Back before everything had happened with Sophia, and I became a mushy twerp.
“Actually, he left your personal life out of it. But, he did tell me you’re a pretty good worker.” She smiled.
“In that case, I like him too.”
“I’m mad at him and if you want to hang out with me, we’re not gonna be talkin’ about my dumbass brother.”
“Noted.” I was in dangerous territory. I wasn’t stupid, but I wasn’t thinking straight either. I was irritated with Sophia, turned on by Tori, and pissed at myself for both. Paco was not going to be happy, but right now, I didn’t care.
We were making out before I had time to comprehend it. All it took was one look between us and our lips connected. She wasn’t shy, and I was thankful for the reprieve. The song and dance Sophia and I had been doing was tiring, emotionally and physically.
She took the lead and was straddling my hips within seconds. “Let’s go back to your house,” she said between kisses.
“I—I’m not sure. Sophia’s here.” I grabbed her hips to pull her closer.
“Sophia?” She leaned back, putting distance between us.
“My sister,” I clarified.
“She’s here, right? We’ve got time.” Her hands went to my belt buckle.
“What about your place?” Distancing myself from my feelings was exactly what I needed. I didn’t want them to grow. I didn’t want them to go deeper. I didn’t want them to make any decisions for me. I knew, even before I let my body take over, that I’d never feel for Tori what I felt for Sophia, but drowning in my sorrows wasn’t going to help anyone.
If I just removed myself from the situation, we wouldn’t have any more problems. But I was smart enough to know I didn’t want to be anywhere near Sophia when I did it. My mind would automatically go to her, and I wasn’t in the mood for terrorizing myself when all I wanted was to forget about it.
“My roommate is at our dorm. I live on campus.”
I fought my conscience. I not only fought it, I rolled around in the fucking dirt with it. I wrestled it, punched it, tried to kill it by stomping on it, but at the end of my sixty second battle, I came to one conclusion. Sophia was with Rob. She was spreading her wings and broadening her horizons. Her nightmares were coming less and less frequently at night. A weight had been lifted from her, and I wasn’t sure if it was because of her motivation to move forward, or if she liked him, but me sitting back and watching her every move wouldn’t help either of us. It had to end tonight.
“We can go to my place. Let’s go.” I stood up and basically dragged her into the tree line so no one would see us. I held her hand all the way to our house, but I wasn’t thinking about her, or what we were about to do.
All I kept thinking about was keeping this from Sophia. In fact, I was more concerned about Sophia than I was Paco, which was ridiculous in its own right, since he could beat my ass and get me fired. But Soph . . . she had the potential of ruining me.
I pushed the indecision out of my head, reverting back to the days when I had nothing to look forward to; back when I lived day to day. It was amazing what you could let yourself do when nothing mattered.
The days were flying by since I’d decided to live in the present. Abe and I talked nightly about how my future could be anything I wanted it to be. Dwelling on the negatives wasn’t conducive to how I wanted to live my life. Although, I couldn’t help but feel incomplete. I had a whole life I’d already lived and didn’t know a thing about it.
So when I found myself lost in thought, or staring off into space, Abe would take me horseback riding, or for a ride on the four wheeler to get me out of the house. He never told me that’s what he was doing, nor had to ask me what I was thinking about. He just knew. And keeping me occupied worked most of the time. There were still those few times when I was alone, or at school, where it felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole. I tried to keep myself busy, which is why I’d been studying so much for my finals, even though I knew I would ace them.
I wasn’t shocked once I received my grades, finding myself with straight A’s for my first semester back. It just made me more excited for college. I had been talking with Tonya and her mom about applications and they were helping me find scholarships as well. Abe offered to help too, but he had a lot on his mind, so I didn
’t want to bother him with it. More times than not, he was quiet. I couldn’t tell where his head was at, and as close as we were, it seemed too private to question him about. So I left it alone most days.
I had transitioned into a smooth routine of spending my Friday nights with Sam and Tyler and my Saturdays with Rob. Occasionally, on the nights with my friends, we went to Rob’s football games, but we found our own ways to have fun too. Rob was cool with me spending time with my friends and I liked that about him. He wasn’t pushy or needy.
Things with him were comfortable, which was a relief. He was sweet and patient. Of course, he didn’t know the real me; I didn’t even know the real me. As much as I liked him, I could never trust him with the truth about me and Abe. On a deeper level, I questioned how close I could ever become with Rob, going back and forth on the importance of it. If we started the relationship out on a lie, what could possibly be true about it? It wouldn’t be real. I would even take Rob out of the equation, filling in the blank spot with whomever—Ty, Sam, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t share that one huge piece of information.
One, because it would blow our whole cover. And two, it had been our false reality for so long, it almost seemed like a betrayal to Abe. Our secrets were ours alone. Bringing other people in on them just wasn’t an option.
I’d invited Rob over to our house a couple of times, but normally we just hung out with his family or friends on our nights together. There was something about the whole thing that didn’t feel right about having him around Abe. It was awkward and weird. No matter what I tried to do to make it comfortable for everyone, it just didn’t work. The tension still existed.
Abe and I were closer than ever, considering the obstacles of outside influences, but neither of us discussed our personal lives. He was seeing someone, I just knew it. A couple of times he hadn’t gotten home until after me on the weekends. I was positive he tried to time his comings and goings by the times I told him I would be home, but I’d come home early a few nights before him.
Travesty Page 14
