Littler Conversations (Conversations #1.5)

by Sibylla Matilde

  “Oh, sweetie,” the older nurse said as she checked the monitors, “it will get worse before it gets better.” She gave Devin a sympathetic smile, and then blanched ever so slightly at Ronin’s scowl. “But,” she began backtracking, “after it’s over, you’ll barely remember the hard part.”

  Devin gave her a weak smile. Ronin continued to scowl, although a little less so. He looked back down at Devin, his eyes deep with concern, and brushed her hair back from her cheeks. “I’ll give your mom a call, honey,” he softly said. “Is there anything I can get you? Anything I can do?”

  “Just don’t go very far,” Devin replied. “This is freaking me out a little more than I thought it would.”

  “I’ll be right outside the door, not even out of earshot. You need me, I’m back.”

  He pressed a soft kiss to her lips, then pulled his iPhone from his pocket as he stepped from the room.

  Before long, Devin’s pains grew longer and stronger. Ronin watched helplessly as her body curled up into itself, trying to relieve the pressure. He gently massaged her back as she lay on her side. He whispered in her hair, held her hand, and kissed sporadic tears from her eyes.

  It seemed to take forever.

  Motherfucking eternity.

  He hated watching her go through this. A wave of guilt washed through him every time her small form convulsed. After a short time, the nurse checked her again. It was in her birth plan that she’d rather not use pain meds, but if things got to be too much to bear, she’d promised him that she'd reconsider.

  She was reconsidering as things progressed. But, upon examination, it appeared that things were moving rather quickly, and it was likely that it wouldn’t even really take effect until after the delivery. And suddenly, things got really heavy. The monitors went crazy, and the world around Ronin began to fade as all he could focus on was Devin, the pain in her eyes and the sobs that began to emanate from her lungs.

  “Ronin,” she breathed softly at a short lull in the pain, “oh, God, this hurts.”

  “I’m right here, honey,” he whispered back, “whatever you need, I’m right here.”

  Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening right now, Ronin internally panicked.

  “I can’t do this,” she sobbed quietly.

  Fuck, this is insane.

  “You can, Dev,” he murmured with a calm he truly didn’t feel, “you can do anything.”

  More breathing, more groaning, more contractions that made Ronin feel simply desperate. The love of his life was in agony, and he couldn’t do a damn thing for her. In the short moments between the contractions, exhaustion pulled her away from him, and he felt as useful as the chair on the other side of the room.

  “My mom’s not gonna make it in time, is she?” she whispered weakly after another exam showed her to being very close. So, so close.

  “She might, baby,” Ronin’s voice exuded that same feigned calm.

  Oh my God. Her mom wasn’t going to make it in time. Oh my God. Fuck!

  But he kept those thoughts to himself and ran his fingers soothingly over her forehead and down her cheek. With every fiber of his being, he suddenly wanted nothing more than for Cari McKay, Dev’s mom, to make it on time. Hell, he wanted his own mom there. He sorta wanted to crawl onto her lap and have her tell him everything was going to be fine, just like when he was a little kid.

  In reality, though, as fast as Devin’s labor was progressing, Cari might fly into Bozeman on time if she had gotten an early enough flight, but she’d still have to get a rental car and drive a good hour to get there. There was no way she’d make it.

  Telling himself to man up, that Dev needed him to be strong, he took a deep breath and did just that. Words he wasn’t even sure he believed spilled from his mouth in an effort to reassure her. “Everything will be fine. You’ll see… I won’t let anything happen to you, baby.”

  Time seemed to stop. Or it completely rushed by. Ronin had no idea, really. Nothing mattered but the alternating rushes of pain and quiet exhalations as they began to subside. Over and over. Closer. Longer. Stronger.

  There were beeping sounds from the monitor and murmurs from the nurses. A heavier, rougher groan from Devin as she clamped down hard on his hand. And then the doctor whirled into the room, washed her hands in a flurry, and rushed over to Devin just in time to catch the slippery bundle in a blanket.

  “You have a boy… a son,” the doctor smiled up at Ronin, just as the baby let out a disgruntled wail.

  All of a sudden, all the fear and worry ebbed away, and a warm sensation seemed to wash through the room, repairing the tension and soothing the raw nerves.

  “Fuck,” Ronin gasped, and he wiped a strange feeling of wetness from his eyes, “we have son. Fuck, Devin, we have a son.”

  “Don’t swear in front of the baby,” Devin whispered rather listlessly with an exhausted smile. Her tired eyes opened to look up at him with a teasing light, and then softened as she focused on his face. “Oh my God, Ronin,” she breathed, “are you crying?”

  “No,” he quickly growled, in spite of the burning wetness in his eyes, and cleared his throat before he shot her a weak smile. “Fuck, honey…”

  The doctor interrupted as she set their lightly wrapped son onto Devin’s chest, and Ronin felt like his heart was going to explode. All at once, he felt fantastic and exhilarated. The tiny little person they’d created, so small and so perfect and so fragile, tucked up against his wife’s breast. Devin’s thick lashes lay heavily on her cheeks with exhaustion, a pink flush slowly fading. And then the baby's tiny little eyes opened and looked at his face, only inches away.

  “Fuck,” he whispered incredulously. He glanced down at Devin when he realized what had slipped from his lips. “I mean, um…”

  Devin’s eyes opened and she smiled at him, lifting her fingertips from their son’s tiny head to brush along his jaw. A thick tightness filled his throat, and for a second Ronin could barely breathe.

  It was almost as though his mouth had a mind of its own. Like he’d die if he didn’t say the words to her right then and there. “God, I love you, honey.”

  “I love you, too,” she smiled, then beamed down at the downy little head peeking out of the blanket. “He’s perfect.”

  The nurse stepped over to the bed, watching them for a moment. “What a handsome little man,” she said softly. For the first time since they’d arrived, Ronin smiled at her. His overwhelming fear and protectiveness having eased once he saw his family whole and healthy. The nurse smiled back with understanding. This wasn’t her first rodeo. “So, does he have a name yet?”

  Devin’s green eyes met Ronin’s own hazel ones, filled with all the love in her heart and the light of the stars. His hand covered hers as she gently held the baby close, his fingertips brushing the sparkling surface of her wedding ring with the three evenly-spaced diamonds. At the touch, her expression grew softer yet and she whispered almost inaudibly in the quiet room.

  “His name is Orion.”

  In the end, Devin’s mom arrived about two hours late to see the birth of her first grandchild. Devin was fast asleep in the hospital room as Ronin got to know his son, and, in a quiet flurry of excitement, she walked through the door with tears in her eyes. Her gaze careened back and forth from Devin’s exhausted slumbering form to the tiny face in a bundle of blankets that Ronin held, as though she couldn’t decide who to go to.

  “He’s awake,” Ronin softly murmured, “if you’d like to meet your grandson.”

  For a split-second, Cari just stared at Orion, her lip trembling. Ronin read the expression in her eyes. He’d seen the exact same look light Devin’s face from time to time over the years. Wonder. Sheer joy. Deep love. All swirling through her to the point where she was frozen. So Ronin slowly and carefully tucked Orion against his shoulder and rose from the chair, walking over to her. He shifted the little guy into the crook of his arm and tenderly pulled the receiving blanket back a touch from the round little cheek to give her a
better look.

  Cari’s face softened, the stress of the past few hours fading as she took in the sight before her, so little and sweet, but so healthy and strong.

  “He’s beautiful, Ronin,” she sighed. Her gaze flicked up to him for a second, and then back down to the alert gaze in the blanket. “What’s his name?”

  “Orion,” Ronin replied softly, and Devin’s mom smiled widely.

  “Orion,” she mused. “Devin and those stories… I had no clue when I used to tell them to her that they’d take hold so crazily.”

  Ronin grinned. “She tended to murmur 'Rion' a bit, though, right before she fell asleep. It may have just been because she was so tired, but it kinda fits the little guy. At least until he’s a big ol’ tough warrior.”

  Cari wiped the wetness from her eyes as Ronin motioned to the chair with his elbow. “Wanna have a seat? Hang onto this little fella for a while?”

  Cari looked slightly startled for a second, then nodded and quickly settled into the chair. Ronin gently lowered his son into her arms, and the tears began to trail down her cheeks unheeded.

  “Hey, little Rion,” she whispered with a broken breath. “It’s Gramma. I’m so happy to meet you.”

  Ronin walked down to the coffee bar near the maternity ward. He should be sleeping. He should be taking advantage of what was likely a rare moment in the next eighteen years and beyond. A moment where he was able to just… be. Nobody needing or expecting anything from him.

  But he was restless. He wanted to be needed. He needed to be needed. And an ever so slightly lost and bereft sensation overcame him without that feeling all of a sudden. But he wanted to give Devin’s mom a little time in private, or at least the privacy of her completely zonked out daughter, while she bonded with Rion.

  Ordering a shot in the dark for himself and a chai for Cari, he contemplated what to get Devin. She may sleep for a while yet, so it would be cold, but, as horrid as it sounded to Ronin, she almost liked her coffee cold. With all the milk and hazelnut syrup in it, she always said it really tasted great either way, hot or cold. But should he order decaf? Should she maybe not have caffeine since she was planning to nurse? Shit. He didn’t know what to do.

  He realized all of a sudden that he was freaking the fuck out. He had the responsibility of a whole person on his hands. More than just Devin. Devin, as much as she clearly relied on him and often said she could never live without him, was an adult. She was capable of getting through day-to-day at the very least. But this little eight-pound person really, truly relied on him. For a second, sheer panic poured through his veins. He felt shaky and his knees seemed to turn to jelly.

  The barista shot him a concerned look, then softly said, “May I suggest decaf, if you’re not sure?”

  Ronin focused in on the girl’s face, “I, um…”

  “Dude, you have ‘new father’ written all over your face. You wouldn’t believe how many guys come down here and do the exact same thing you’re doing right now. Really, decaf is a safe bet.” She grinned at him in that exuberant, hyper way that only someone absorbing caffeine through their skin in a coffee bar can. “If I’m wrong, come back and I’ll give you a fully caffeinated version for free.”

  Chapter 4 ~ Sleepless Nights

  The rest of their short stay in the hospital sped by uneventfully. Orion was a strong little guy, and seemed to be perfectly healthy. He ate well and slept well. And then it was time to go home and settle into their new lives as a family of three. Devin’s mom stayed for a few days to help around the house, then left saying she felt like the little family needed some time alone before Ronin’s leave ended. He’d taken two weeks off to stay home with his wife and son, and it had all rushed by in a bit of a haze of sleeping, feeding, diapers, and more sleeping.

  To Devin, all at once, everything seemed focused, yet blurred.

  She felt like she simply had everything. All that she had ever wanted. She had good friends and a comfy little home. She was married to the love of her life. Her hero, her saint, her savior. She had a strong and healthy son.

  Yet she also sensed in Ronin a strong sense of responsibility that made him restless, and it grew and festered as he neared the end of the time he’d taken off.

  And now, tomorrow, he’d be back at work. Back in the mountains building houses and worrying about how his little family was doing at home without him. He had fallen into a heavy sleep after pushing himself hard to make sure she was as prepared as possible to be home alone with their infant son. His chest now rose and lowered in an exhausted sleep.

  A small faint cry sounded from the cradle across the room, and she climbed carefully out of bed to gently gather up Orion and slip into the other room, allowing Ronin to sleep undisturbed. She changed Rion’s diaper and swaddled him tightly, then padded into the living room, settling into the recliner to nurse her son. As he finished on one side, she nudged him awake and switched to the other breast. Her eyes grew droopy along with Rion’s and as his hold on her slackened, she, too, faded off to sleep.

  Ronin’s eyes sprang open, realizing he was alone in the bedroom. No wife. No baby. No other breathing or shifting of the blankets. Knowing he should roll over and go back to sleep while the sleeping was good, Ronin instead rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of flannel pants, then stepped from the room.

  He peeked into Rion’s room. No wife or son there either. The house was relatively small yet, even with the addition Ronin had built a few months back, so there weren’t a lot of places they could be.

  Stepping into the living room, Ronin’s eyes caught at the sight before him. Devin was fast asleep, tucked into his soft, heavy recliner, her feet raised and a sleeping Rion snuggled against her bare breast. Her long brown hair had been swept around to spill down her shoulder, opposite side of their son, and the dark waves gleamed in the faintly lit room.

  God, she was beautiful.

  They were beautiful.

  A sight he’d imagined over the past few months, but never realizing the true stunning power it held over him until it was right there, right before his eyes. And for a moment, he could only watch. Rion pursed his lips in his sleep. Devin gave a soft sigh. And an incredible sense of peace flowed through Ronin’s soul.

  Finally, he took a few steps into the room, gathering their tiny boy up in his strong hands. Rion made a faint whimper at being disturbed, but then he settled against Ronin’s chest. Ronin turned to walk back into the bedroom, intending to lay their son down so he could come back and carry his wife, but then he saw her eyes open sleepily, gazing up at him.

  “Dev, honey,” he whispered, “you’re exhausted. You should have woken me up.”

  “You have to work in the morning,” she quietly replied. “You needed the sleep more than I did.”

  “I just need you and Rion,” he smiled warmly, his voice thick with emotion. “I’ll put him in bed and come back for you.”

  “Don’t be silly,” Devin said in a low tone, her lips tilting up in a tired smile. “I can walk.”

  Ronin heard her lower the footrest and her soft footsteps following him down the hall. He tucked Rion into the bassinette, smoothing his fingertips over the silky little brown fuzz-like head of hair. He felt Devin’s arm slide around his waist and her head rest softly on his back, and he threaded his fingers through hers. And for a moment, they held each other, marveling over their sleeping child in the sweetness of the quiet night.

  “Thank you,” Devin softly whispered.

  Confusion knit Ronin’s brow. “For what?” he chuckled.

  “For loving me. For Rion. For being who you are.”

  Ronin lifted her hand, brushing a soft kiss against her fingers.

  “All that shit is easy, honey. I couldn’t do anything else. I tried, actually.”

  Chapter 5 ~ Fire

  The summer heat brought dry thunderstorms and lightning strikes, and before long the mountains filled with smoke. Every summer since graduating high school, Ronin, Joe, and Shane took time from their
normal construction jobs to work with the Forest Service fighting fires in the nearby mountains. In the past, they’d often gone on larger teams, often heading to other states. However, this year, with Rion so new and the feeling that Devin needed him nearby, Ronin had turned down most of the fires.

  Until one hit close to home.

  Caused by a dry lightning storm on a hot August afternoon, the burn area quickly spread among the steep, rugged mountains outside town. The jagged peaks and deep ravines made the fires like this much more difficult to fight, to get trucks of firefighters and supplies in and out of the back country. Small fire crews hiked in and out in an effort to keep the blaze from spreading.

  Ronin’s crew had been in the mountains since before dawn, not too far out of town, digging a fire line to prevent the blaze from spreading into an area where a bunch of mountain homes had been built. Most of the houses were million-dollar vacation homes that got used a few weeks a year. Any current residents had been evacuated, and the homes had been wrapped to protect them. Because of some political ties, though, there was still a push to avoid having the fire run in that direction.

  They’d made some good progress, following along a natural stand of trees that eased into a wide mountain meadow when the sky, already an ominous dark because of the thick smoke, began to grow darker still. Way too dark for the early evening.

  With a loud clap of thunder, strong, gusty winds began to blow up and over the mountain range.

  “Awe, fuck,” Ronin said, a sense of dread filling his gut as he looked over at Joe. “We need everyone together. Now.”

  Joe had grown still at the sound of the thunder. He had heard horror stories from his dad, a longtime employee of the Forest Service who’d been working fires ever since Joe was a little kid. He nodded at Ronin and picked up the radio.

  While she sat, holding Rion's sleeping little form, Devin's mind whirled. She wished on every star in the heavens. She prayed to every god and goddess in the constellations above. She fervently hoped and begged and pleaded to every power that had ever been known to her.