After Church: Walking Worthy....After the Benediction! (The Greatest Love Series Book 2)

by Genevieve Woods

  As she took out her portfolio, Paige wondered why the doctor had to give that long definition. It was redundant, but she went along with it. She opened the prongs and gave Dr. Whitney a copy of the list that contained her strengths, and weaknesses. She anxiously waited for Dr. Whitney to speak as she looked over her list. After a couple of minutes, Dr. Whitney spoke. “Let’s start with your strengths.

  You have listed first that you are a Survivor. Explain to me why this is the first strength you chose.”

  Paige took a moment to collect her thoughts. Counseling was difficult. It was you, the doctor, and your personal truths. As simple as it sounded, it was the opposite. Opening yourself up to someone else was hard. After a pregnant pause, Paige began.

  “I chose being a survivor first, because that is who and what I am before anything else. Before I could write my own name, I had survived things most adults will never experience. When I was twelve years old, I read the police report

  on the incident of my mother being found dead, and me being with her. A sentence stuck out to me then and has been with me since. It said, ‘There was a minor

  female on the scene who survived being alone with her mother’s corpse.’ That was the day I started calling myself a survivor. Long before Destiny’s Child and the reality show were in existence, I was a survivor.” Paige stopped speaking. She was choking up and the tears were falling freely. Dr. Whitney offered her tissues. Paige accepted them and began to blow her nose. Dr. Whitney coached her on breathing in and out so she could collect herself and avoid an anxiety attack. When Dr. Whitney was sure Paige was okay, she began again.

  “Paige, how does that make you feel?”

  “How does what make me feel?” Did she not just hear me say I felt like a survivor? Paige thought. There was no way she would be repeating herself.

  “How does being termed, a survivor in the report, make you feel?”

  “It makes me feel like all I was given to begin my life was a dead corpse of a mother for a foundation. It makes me feel like, every breath I have taken or will take, I have had to fight for. And in order for me to continue to breathe I have to fight anything or anyone that gets in my way.”

  Dr. Whitney nodded, signaling she accepted Paige’s response. She then looked to Paige’s response sheet and addressed her. “Is it safe to say, that has influenced your first item for improvement which is anger?”

  “I don’t know doctor, could be.”

  “Paige, I need you to answer all questions with thought. Let’s try not to answer questions with I don’t know. Is that agreeable?”

  “I will try. But I don’t know. That is why I am here, Doctor.” Paige blew her nose in the Kleenex. “This is so hard; I don’t know if my being neglected by my junkie mother caused my anger issues. Could be? I. Don’t. Know. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have one memory of her. I’ve seen her in pictures when she was younger, she was beautiful. Maybe I am angry because I was not enough for her to stay off drugs. It could be that the people she left me with did not give a rat’s ass about me.”

  Paige inhaled. She had used profanity, something she had sworn off weeks ago, but kept failing to hold true to the commitment. She was failing at this letting go of baggage bull. It was hard. It was safer behind the brick walls she had erected early in life. Behind her brick, emotional walls, no one could touch her. If they tried, she would come down on them and they would regret it. No! No! If she wanted to be free, she had to push forward. She could not tell Ms. Pretty Doctor to kiss her behind and leave. Her flesh wanted out, her walls wanted to remain erect, Raige, her protector, did not want to die. She wanted to tell Dr. Whitney that she was full of it and she would not be attending again. What was wrong with being angry and having walls? She didn’t start anything, she only finished it, and last she checked that was called self-defense.

  Dr. Whitney could see Paige’s internal battle. She silently prayed that the Holy Spirit would enter the room and bring peace to Paige’s troubled mind and soul. She spoke life into Paige while holding a trembling Paige’s hands. After

  several long minutes, Paige shook away those wayward thoughts that were caused by fear.

  “Dr. Whitney, I am sorry for using profanity. I have to stop cussing.”

  “Paige, it takes time to stop some habits, especially when that habit has been a form of self-protection for you. I have heard worse words. I also hear you may hold some resentment for your mother being addicted to drugs, which ultimately caused her demise. Do you agree with that?”

  “Yes.” Paige was nodding her head emphatically. “Yes, I do feel like my mother killing herself with drugs was the beginning of my anger issues.”

  “Why do you feel that way?”

  “Because I am angry with her. I am angry that I wasn’t worth staying clean for. I am angry because I wasn’t worth her living for. I am angry she left me to take care of myself, and I have been doing it all my life the best way I knew how.

  By surviving, I now have wonderful friends and a man that loves me and I am near losing it all. Because my survival tactics WERE ALL WRONG!” Paige’s voice cracked and the dam to her buried insecurities had broken at last. Dr. Whitney saw the levee break and squeezed Paige’s hand as the words flowed from her soul.

  “I am so angry with her because although she abandoned me by death, leaving me nothing— not even my father’s name—in my heart, I love her so much. I will not tolerate any one speaking ill of her, I feel like I have to protect a memory of a ghost that haunts me. Her death haunts me, because I wonder if she had lived, would I have these flaws, could I love without boundaries? Would I have all of this personal baggage Pastor Caine spoke about a couple of weeks ago? If she had

  cared enough about me and kicked that drug habit, would I be the person on the inside that I portray on the outside? I’m so messed up Dr. Whitney. I’m lost and the more I think about my life, the worse I feel, and then the angrier I become.”

  Paige buried her face in the Kleenex that covered the palm of her hands. Dr.

  Whitney again gave her time. She moved to the flanking chair across from Paige and pulled her hands away from her face to get her attention. Paige looked up into Dr. Whitney’s compassionate face and tried to stop crying. Her cries slowly turned into hiccups. Dr. Whitney proceeded as the session was nearing its end.

  “Paige, I know it may seem hard right now to understand the progress you have made in these two sessions. You have revealed a critical trigger for your anger and self-protection defenses. Now, what I want you to understand is you are not alone. We as Christians have a savior who is our healer. This sense of abandonment you feel, the lack of self-worth by your mother choosing drugs over your wellbeing, has made you independent and fierce. However, as the song goes, you can let Jesus take the wheel now. Let Jesus be your balm, the healer of your broken heart.” Dr. Whitney stood and went behind her desk and retrieved a

  tablet. “There are some points I want you to write down and meditate on this week. As well as some scriptures I want you to study and pray about implementing into your thoughts and reactions to situations.

  Paige took out her portfolio and opened the section that contained her legal pad. Her tears had ceased and her breathing had finally returned to normal. She looked to Dr. Whitney, signaling she was ready for her to begin.

  “One, it is okay to mourn over what you have lost. Paige, you lost the chance to have memories with your mother, a home with a mother and father. It’s ok to be saddened by that. This week, write a list of other things this caused you to lose and grieve over them.

  “Two, get back on track after you mourn what was lost. Get back on track by

  looking at all the positives in your life and future. Don’t let this loss do, to your life, what the drugs did to your mother’s. Recover and walk triumphantly over the hurt and the losses.

  “Three, press on. Don’t give in when the enemy tries to pull you back into the trap of grief or anger. Find a calming, encouraging scripture this w
eek that lets you know you are an overcomer.

  “Four, forgive so you may be forgiven. Forgive the people who come against you in words or deeds. Forgive people who come against your loved ones. Allow the Lord to fight your battles. Forgive your mother for not being strong enough to do what you are strengthened by Christ to do through him.

  “These points are important for you to practice, so that you receive. Know that Jesus is with you and he is our healer, he is our present day Balm in Gilead. Let’s pray as we have come to the close of our session today.”

  Paige bowed her head with Dr. Whitney and asked the Lord to help her accept him as her balm for emotional healing. After the prayer, Dr. Whitney gave her a booklet entitled “Calming Scriptures for Anger.” She asked Paige to study them as her homework, and next week come prepared to share how it helped her release anger. Paige hugged Dr. Whitney, and complimented her on her Red- Bottom shoes and all black designer pantsuit. Dr. Whitney was truly a Diva in the Lord. She responded with a humble “Thank you” and told Paige to be blessed.

  Paige had to stop and confirm her appointment with the receptionist, Tamala Sykes, who was another Diva in the Lord. She was a beautiful, exotic looking, young woman. Paige had to give her props for her style and the look she pulled off effortlessly. Tamala had long, silky, natural hair that stop in the middle of her back. Her skin was light, and her almond eyes, with irises that were so dark they appeared to be black, caused Tamala’s ethnicity to be in question.

  Tamala Sykes was fierce. If Paige had been a lesser woman, she could have been intimidated by this beauty’s presence. But she wasn’t and decided to ignore the shade Tamala threw her way each visit. Although it seemed this time Tamala’s tone was icier than usual as she confirmed her next appointment. Paige compared

  her to a little robot, only doing what she was being paid to do by the members of

  Liberty Church.

  Paige wanted to put the chic in her place when Tamala didn’t even say “Have a nice day”, but dismissed her with a “That will be all.” It was as if she thought she was Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, and she, Paige, was Anne Hathaway. Paige held her resolve not to release her anger on this receptionist. She simply said, “Thank you Sister Sykes,” and made her way out of the office. On her way out, she smiled at her ability to walk away from that underserved rudeness and cold shoulder. In the words of Elsa, who she was now fond of thanks to Nikki,

  “The cold never bothered her anyway.”

  ***

  “Camille did you speak to Karen about that family issue?” Benjamin asked. He was holding the dustpan as she swept the kitchen floor. Everyone had left shortly after Nikki’s scare. They had just received word that Nikki was in the bed asleep for the night.

  “No Benjamin, we kind of had a health crisis here tonight.”

  “But there was plenty of time before that, when you two were in the

  basement alone.”

  “We were putting away the gifts, and besides Tabitha and Dawn were helping as well.”

  “That’s why you invited them right?” Ben asked with one eyebrow raised. Camille thought it was the cutest thing ever. She couldn’t help but smile as she put away the broom and he threw the trash in the waste basket.

  “Ben, I know I have been dragging my feet. I will tell her soon, okay? Let’s

  not fight about it again, please.” Ben walked to her and gave her a hug. They

  lingered in the embrace for a long moment; he pulled back and placed a kiss on her lips. He promptly moved to her forehead, placing a kiss there. It was safer than on her delicious lips. He stepped away with her hands still in his.

  “Cam, I don’t want to fight with you. I want you to be happy. It is my job to keep you that way. That means sometimes when you get in the way of your own happiness, I have to call you out on it. I don’t want you to allow fear to make you continue procrastinating. Karen loves you and I don’t think for a second she will blame you for J.D.’s actions. However, the longer you wait the more culpable you will be in hurting her. You feel me?” Ben pulled her to his masculine body and Camille melted into his warmth. She knew he was right. She had to tell Karen but she needed to make sure Nikki was healthy first.

  “I will tell her once I know Nikki is okay. They are taking her to the doctor tomorrow morning before Karen comes in to the office. I will tell her when she arrives and I am sure Nikki will be fine, health wise.”

  “You promise?” Ben asked. “I promise.”

  Ben hugged her tighter, kissed her gently on her lips, and began to sway with her in a slow dance without music. He started to sing in her ear with his soul- stirring baritone voice, the lyrics of Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud.” Camille wrapped her arms around his neck and placed her head on his beating heart as the song commanded. She enjoyed the lyrics of loving one another with longevity. She was beyond impressed with Ben’s ability to sing Acapella. Benjamin was not only an astute businessman but he was musically gifted. He could play the piano and guitar, and often did while singing to her. Tonight he chose to serenade her with

  his melodic voice. She concentrated on the words he sang smoothly in her ear.

  They were words so true to them. They fell in love in such a mysterious

  way. From the first conversation she had with Ben at her desk he had her heart; and

  the way he stayed by her side after she was hit by an SUV and endured critical injuries, secured it. Benjamin stayed with her despite all the objections she threw his way. He had helped Karen during the crisis and volunteered at her company, helping to bring on top accounts. This man was a godsend and an answer to prayers she had yet to pray. Ben’s love and actions made her fall in love with him

  every day. Some might say they were moving too fast but she knew it was meant to

  last.

  When he made it to the phrase, referring to being kissed under the stars, she was done. She did not know if her resolve to abstain from yielding her body to him would hold strong tonight. But Ben, being the gentleman, gave her a hug and separated their bodies to a safe distance. He gently pulled her by the hand.

  “Come on let’s get you packed up so I can take you home. It’s getting harder

  and harder to break away from you. How long do we have until our wedding day?”

  Camille was happy he changed the course of the evening. She felt ashamed she had not been the one to put on the breaks. Without making eye contact, she addressed his question.

  “Let’s see…” Camille picked up her phone and scanned the calendar. “Today is September 8th —we will marry on November 1. We have eight weeks until we are husband and wife.”

  Benjamin picked Camille up and twirled her around. “Ms. James, I can’t

  wait eight weeks for you to become Mrs. Benjamin George Adams. Let’s just go to

  the courthouse and do this thing. The bible says it’s better to marry than burn, and

  I’m like an oven on high. I am beginning to smell smoke around here. What do you

  say?”

  Camille laughed at Benjamin until she realized he was not joking. “Ben we

  haven’t attended a counseling session yet, and besides I want to walk down the

  aisle. I may not be his biggest fan right now, but he is still my dad and he deserves to give me away.”

  “Camille, there is nothing in those sessions that will stop me from marrying you. We can still have the wedding afterwards so Mr. James can have the honor of giving me what I already know is mine. The point is, we would be married and no longer have a need for you to leave our home so I can keep my hands off you.”

  Camille shook her head as she pulled on her light jacket. With the change of season, the temperature was much cooler in the evenings during September in Memphis. “Benjamin, no we are sticking to our plan. Now come on and take me home. We will not be eloping, we have a plan and we will follow it. We are so close, no need to ruin it by losing focus.”

  Ben shrugged as he grabbed hi
s keys off the bar. “Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

  ***

  Paige was drying off after a long hot shower; she was feeling optimistic about being able to have her rough edges smoothed out through therapy. She

  looked at the woman in the mirror as she applied moisturizer to her hair and moved to the cocoa butter oil she used on her body. She had thought it had been a slow start for her in counseling, but she was proud of herself for opening up to Dr. Whitney. Allowing anyone to view the dark enigmas that she possessed was perplexing. Paige had to fight with vehemence against her personal demons— happiness and love were worth the fight. Paige completed her nightly beauty

  regime and slipped into her favorite “I love Paris” pajamas. She was headed to bed,

  notebook in hand, to read the scriptures Dr. Whitney suggested when her doorbell

  rang.

  Paige opened the door and was accosted by a distraught Kevin. She was petrified when he grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up to straddle his body. He wailed into the crook of her neck. His grip on her was so unyielding that Paige responded by prying his hands off her waist. After a slight tussle, she managed to

  free herself from his stronghold. She stepped back, looked into his lifeless eyes and immediately went back to him, reaching out to wipe his falling tears. She had